Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm so thankful I have all of you : )
I'm still obsessed with the dress, but was able to try to figure out some things today.
I don't know where I fit anymore and I think it's sent me in such a tailspin I can't get out of it. I don't fit at work. No one knows me and I don't know them. If I'm having a hard time, which has been perpetual since I walked in the door, I can't talk to one person there. Even if I had become fast friends with anyone, I wouldn't say anything. In case you didn't already sense this, lawyers aren't supposed to have breakdowns. We're supposed to handle everything without a care in the world in a competent and detached manner. Sometimes I wonder if I ended up in the wrong profession. I can't think of anything detached about me. Further to that, I'm supposed to be the person that can handle any assignment. I know this is what my mentor, who is also my reference, told them, so I am very worried I'll mess up. I re-read a case 4 times today to make sure I understood it. 4 TIMES! I understood it the first time, but because I have no confidence in anything I'm doing, I'm freaking out about the possibility that I'm wrong, which would cause many problems to say the least.
I don't fit in at home. I never thought I would feel like a stranger in my own apartment, but I do. I don't even know why. I leave to get distance from it. I go out for a walk and guess what...I don't fit there either, so I come right back to my apartment.
I don't fit any place where there is a couple because I'm not a couple. I'm alone. Even after all this time I don't know where I fit in a place where my ex isn't. I was going through things I brought home from my old office and found the save the date card for my friend's wedding. His name is on it. His name was on the invitation to the wedding too. So, now I'm relegated to M and Guest.
I don't fit in that wedding dress. For months I could see walking down the isle, dancing with my ex, having everyone around to wish us well, etc. Then I could see our kids and what they would look like. I know a lot of this is romanticizing, but I can't stop myself. I don't think you can get anymore single than this. The thought of being with someone else makes me cringe.
I'm just displaced from everywhere and everything. I really felt like I was doing well focusing on myself and trying to grow. I feel like I'm climbing up a muddy hill.
I really believe everything happens for a reason, but I just can't seem to grasp a reason right now that I have to keep going through this. Someone in alanon, who has been in for years and I have looked up to in this meeting, pretty much came unglued last night. I thought WOW, if it happens to her, then am I ever going to get better? I also think God has a plan for me, I just wish he'd clue me in on it. I feel like I've had lesson after lesson thrown at me, but no matter how hard I try to get it and understand, I get another lesson that just confuses me.