What are alcoholic moms like?
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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What are alcoholic moms like?
i am in my thirties, married with two kids, and i only just realised my mom is alcoholic. I confronted her and after a lot of denials she actually 'disowned' me and said our relationship is over, blaming me for being a bad daughter.
It's very painful but I have great support from my husband and siblings and am reading some of the classic books for ACoAs.
However one thing I would love to hear from others about, is what their moms were actually like? The reason I ask is that my mom did not phsyically abuse me nor did she get blatantly drunk (although she always drank every evening, all evening...) but I am confused as to whether the alcoholism has always been there and whether it is the key to our relationship problems since childhood.
Some things that make me suspect she WAs alcoholic even then are :
1. She was very critical of me, especialyl my appearance
2. If me or my siblings were distressed or hurt, she would ignore it, laugh at us or tell us we were weird for getting so upset - this included things like when we were bullied at school, or cried when we saw awful things on the news.
3. She took little interest in my friends, hobbies, etc - just my academic achievements, I think because she loved to brag about me to others.
4. She was not physically affectionate at all and I have very few memories of us having nice times together.
5. She would talk a lot about how awful it was having children (to the point that I used to plan to get sterilised so I didn't accidentally have any when I grew up!)
6. She would also talk about how I rejected and hurt her when I was a baby, and about how some children are 'just born bad'.
7. She was always ill with one problem or another (headaches, bad back, stomach ulcers, bad knees, bad toes, you name it) - she was literally never without something to complain about, and she complained constantly. (Illness is still her reason for drinking, because she says illness & a tough life has made her so miserable that she deserves to be able to drink)
8. She tended to favouritise other children over her own, if they had had 'tough upbringings' like hers. This really hurt one of my siblings in particular.
Do these ring any bells with anyone??
It's very painful but I have great support from my husband and siblings and am reading some of the classic books for ACoAs.
However one thing I would love to hear from others about, is what their moms were actually like? The reason I ask is that my mom did not phsyically abuse me nor did she get blatantly drunk (although she always drank every evening, all evening...) but I am confused as to whether the alcoholism has always been there and whether it is the key to our relationship problems since childhood.
Some things that make me suspect she WAs alcoholic even then are :
1. She was very critical of me, especialyl my appearance
2. If me or my siblings were distressed or hurt, she would ignore it, laugh at us or tell us we were weird for getting so upset - this included things like when we were bullied at school, or cried when we saw awful things on the news.
3. She took little interest in my friends, hobbies, etc - just my academic achievements, I think because she loved to brag about me to others.
4. She was not physically affectionate at all and I have very few memories of us having nice times together.
5. She would talk a lot about how awful it was having children (to the point that I used to plan to get sterilised so I didn't accidentally have any when I grew up!)
6. She would also talk about how I rejected and hurt her when I was a baby, and about how some children are 'just born bad'.
7. She was always ill with one problem or another (headaches, bad back, stomach ulcers, bad knees, bad toes, you name it) - she was literally never without something to complain about, and she complained constantly. (Illness is still her reason for drinking, because she says illness & a tough life has made her so miserable that she deserves to be able to drink)
8. She tended to favouritise other children over her own, if they had had 'tough upbringings' like hers. This really hurt one of my siblings in particular.
Do these ring any bells with anyone??
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You may wish to investigate this site, which was a huge eye opener to me, especially their message board: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, a book by Dr. Karyl McBride
My stepmother had many of the signs of simply being a narcissistic personality -- although she definitely was an alcoholic (I believe the textbook definition is "physical dependence on alcohol to the extent that stopping alcohol use will bring on withdrawal symptoms...developing drinking habits that cause health or social problems"....you don't mention the impact alcohol has on her life)
"Disowning" a child for having one's bad behavior called on the carpet is a pretty common narcissistic trait.
But much, much more important than labeling her is that you are seeking support and help in making YOUR life what you want it to be, regardless of the path she's chosen. Congratulations on your progress!
My stepmother had many of the signs of simply being a narcissistic personality -- although she definitely was an alcoholic (I believe the textbook definition is "physical dependence on alcohol to the extent that stopping alcohol use will bring on withdrawal symptoms...developing drinking habits that cause health or social problems"....you don't mention the impact alcohol has on her life)
"Disowning" a child for having one's bad behavior called on the carpet is a pretty common narcissistic trait.
But much, much more important than labeling her is that you are seeking support and help in making YOUR life what you want it to be, regardless of the path she's chosen. Congratulations on your progress!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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As I was reading the list, I was thinking first how similar your description is to my mother, and second if it matters whether the behavior is a result of alcohol or some other dysfunction.
I'm honestly not sure if my mom drinks and that makes her a nutjob or if she's got a genetic mental illness that she self-medicates for. And it really doesn't matter to me whether it's one or the other - what matters to me is how I was treated. That's the fallout I have to deal with. I quit worrying about "which came first" a long time ago. The behavior is still the same and my past is still the same and my baggage still needs to be dealt with. So I try to move forward as best I can.
I'm honestly not sure if my mom drinks and that makes her a nutjob or if she's got a genetic mental illness that she self-medicates for. And it really doesn't matter to me whether it's one or the other - what matters to me is how I was treated. That's the fallout I have to deal with. I quit worrying about "which came first" a long time ago. The behavior is still the same and my past is still the same and my baggage still needs to be dealt with. So I try to move forward as best I can.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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That is my mother as well. I am 22 and only now realized that she has been drinking my entire life. My entire childhood is similar to yours with a few exceptions. I have a younger sibling who didnt recieve any of the experiences i did. He learned how to use them to his advantage and exploit her behavior. You are NOT alone. Promise.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Hi
Thank you all SO much for your replies. It is lovely to know I am not the only one and you are right that it doesn't really matter why she behaved the way she did.
It feels great to acknowledge at last that I was normal and right to feel really hurt by her.
My mother has blamed me for years for our poor relationship -- but never made any effort to actually get to know me. She doesn't really understand me at all. The mothers of my friends are warmer to me than she is! She wanted someone to listen to her whingeing and to make certain specific symbolic 'daughterly' gestures that she would dictate (gifts, meals on special occasions, compliments and attention etc).
She has a terrible way of interrupting everyone else to dominate conversation and is then very repetitive on certain pet topics (her looks, clothes and jewelry are her favorites).
I am surprised how little upset I am at being 'disowned'. Right now it just feels like a relief not to be hounded all the time -- to be left alone with my own little family. I feel a great need to protect my children from her -- she has already started insulting the looks of my older daughter, comparing her to relatives she doesn't like / considers ugly e.g. saying her chin is too big or that she looks 'better with her hair up'.
My daughter was only 1 at the time so thankfully this won't have affected her, but I worry about what she might say in future.
She also criticises my parenting (unsafe/selfish/not indulgent enough etc) and seems to be competitive with me for my children's affection. She is becoming truly malign and I don't even like seeing her touch my daughters.
That's it for now.... thank you all for your support, makes everything so much better.
xxx
Thank you all SO much for your replies. It is lovely to know I am not the only one and you are right that it doesn't really matter why she behaved the way she did.
It feels great to acknowledge at last that I was normal and right to feel really hurt by her.
My mother has blamed me for years for our poor relationship -- but never made any effort to actually get to know me. She doesn't really understand me at all. The mothers of my friends are warmer to me than she is! She wanted someone to listen to her whingeing and to make certain specific symbolic 'daughterly' gestures that she would dictate (gifts, meals on special occasions, compliments and attention etc).
She has a terrible way of interrupting everyone else to dominate conversation and is then very repetitive on certain pet topics (her looks, clothes and jewelry are her favorites).
I am surprised how little upset I am at being 'disowned'. Right now it just feels like a relief not to be hounded all the time -- to be left alone with my own little family. I feel a great need to protect my children from her -- she has already started insulting the looks of my older daughter, comparing her to relatives she doesn't like / considers ugly e.g. saying her chin is too big or that she looks 'better with her hair up'.
My daughter was only 1 at the time so thankfully this won't have affected her, but I worry about what she might say in future.
She also criticises my parenting (unsafe/selfish/not indulgent enough etc) and seems to be competitive with me for my children's affection. She is becoming truly malign and I don't even like seeing her touch my daughters.
That's it for now.... thank you all for your support, makes everything so much better.
xxx
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Sounds like my mother my whole life. My mother socially drank, until 40 then it became a major problem. She was very critical of her children, payed more attention to other peoples kids ( it's like she was looking for outside gratitude) Could never go to her with a problem, There was no physical affection eg. hugs etc. yet she would brag to her friends about her childrens achievements. She would complain how selfish her kids were. She was also very self centered she had to have the best clothes, the biggest family functions the list goes on. She would never listen to other people she would interupt and talk about herself and her accomplishments. I have always had a fear of repeating the same parenting techniques, I know I havent. It was in my 30"s when I first admitted to my self I no longer needed her approval and that she was a full fledged alcoholic.
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She is becoming truly malign and I don't even like seeing her touch my daughters.
Takes a lot of counseling to get past that kind of baggage, especially in our "looks focussed" culture.
Let go, let God.
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Canada
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Sorry for my short reply. To be honest, your post affected me so much, I was unable to do much more at that moment. My mother was very much the same. I haven't seen her in years (not sure where she lives even). I have to deal with my deep resentments towards her. Thank you for sharing Ginger.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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My mother acts just like this when she's drunk. She is especally critical of my appearence.
We just had an argument over this tonight.She told me that she doesn't like my hair dyed blonde,(when she's sober she tells me it looks beautiful)that I looked sick and washed out,how terrible my shirt looked,how bad my makeup looks,blah,blah,blah.having an alcoholic parent sucks,I can feel your pain.
We just had an argument over this tonight.She told me that she doesn't like my hair dyed blonde,(when she's sober she tells me it looks beautiful)that I looked sick and washed out,how terrible my shirt looked,how bad my makeup looks,blah,blah,blah.having an alcoholic parent sucks,I can feel your pain.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 25
I started to write several paragraphs, but I figured a list would be easier to read. Traits of my alcoholic mother:
1. Holds on to pain too long. Looks for pain. Would rather stay in a painful situation with my drunk father than leave him and be happier.
2. Uses guilt as a weapon. Always says "You made me feel bad when you told me the truth." She also uses love as a weapon. If I loved her, I would drive her to the store to buy a bottle of wine.
3. Shifts responsibility to you. She raised me to be the cleanest person in the world while her house was a disaster. I realized as a kid, I wasn't learning responsibility by doing all of the chores, I was simply the maid and doing those things were the only way I could show love to both parents.
4. Never appologizes for things she did and said while drunk. In fact, uses alcohol as an excuse to say mean things and try to get away with it.
5. She depends on me for her happiness. My father has shifted that responsibility to me because he's a bum. When I finally began going to al-anon because I couldn't handle it anymore, she went on a tirade, lost 15lbs in a month, and just simply broke down.
5a. She really never liked any of my girlfriends.
6. She really acts like a martyr. She'll bring up all of the things she's done for you and how she expects you to do the same for her.
7. Cannot accept criticism, cannot look at herself for a possible cause of problems.
8. Would rather be proud and miserable, than admit mistakes, move on, and be happier.
A couple of things about guilt. One christmas when I came home to visit while I was living on the opposite side of the country, and her house was filthy; just a mess. It was depressing. I really was depressed about the state of the house I grew up in. Because my taking care and cleaning instincts kicked in, I started cleaning few things while I was there. My mom laid into me about how I ruined her christmas because I made her feel bad for having just a filthy house. I made her feel bad because of how I felt??? She's a classic co-dendent even before she's an alcoholic.
Just last month my mother was looking for things to make us kids feel guilty about. She was looking to say hurtful things about my sister. My mom told her she still feels bad to this day about the time she made my sister a birthday cake for her 5th birthday and my sister didn't eat it and said "I don't like German Chocolate Cake". My mom's impression of my sister hinges on what she said when she was 5.
1. Holds on to pain too long. Looks for pain. Would rather stay in a painful situation with my drunk father than leave him and be happier.
2. Uses guilt as a weapon. Always says "You made me feel bad when you told me the truth." She also uses love as a weapon. If I loved her, I would drive her to the store to buy a bottle of wine.
3. Shifts responsibility to you. She raised me to be the cleanest person in the world while her house was a disaster. I realized as a kid, I wasn't learning responsibility by doing all of the chores, I was simply the maid and doing those things were the only way I could show love to both parents.
4. Never appologizes for things she did and said while drunk. In fact, uses alcohol as an excuse to say mean things and try to get away with it.
5. She depends on me for her happiness. My father has shifted that responsibility to me because he's a bum. When I finally began going to al-anon because I couldn't handle it anymore, she went on a tirade, lost 15lbs in a month, and just simply broke down.
5a. She really never liked any of my girlfriends.
6. She really acts like a martyr. She'll bring up all of the things she's done for you and how she expects you to do the same for her.
7. Cannot accept criticism, cannot look at herself for a possible cause of problems.
8. Would rather be proud and miserable, than admit mistakes, move on, and be happier.
A couple of things about guilt. One christmas when I came home to visit while I was living on the opposite side of the country, and her house was filthy; just a mess. It was depressing. I really was depressed about the state of the house I grew up in. Because my taking care and cleaning instincts kicked in, I started cleaning few things while I was there. My mom laid into me about how I ruined her christmas because I made her feel bad for having just a filthy house. I made her feel bad because of how I felt??? She's a classic co-dendent even before she's an alcoholic.
Just last month my mother was looking for things to make us kids feel guilty about. She was looking to say hurtful things about my sister. My mom told her she still feels bad to this day about the time she made my sister a birthday cake for her 5th birthday and my sister didn't eat it and said "I don't like German Chocolate Cake". My mom's impression of my sister hinges on what she said when she was 5.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Hey 49er Fan
Your mom and my mom should meet. They would get on like a house on fire. They sound exactly the same.
This all makes me feel so angry though... All this time my mom made me feel like a piece of crap. I have such a people phobia because of it. I hate large groups and work parties are my worst nightmare! Yesterday I met up for an hour with two girls from church who are lovely people that I am just getting to know. They are already good friends. Yet I was really nervous - what did they think of me? - and almost panicky by the end. i had to do deep breathing. How ridiculous is that.
Your mom and my mom should meet. They would get on like a house on fire. They sound exactly the same.
This all makes me feel so angry though... All this time my mom made me feel like a piece of crap. I have such a people phobia because of it. I hate large groups and work parties are my worst nightmare! Yesterday I met up for an hour with two girls from church who are lovely people that I am just getting to know. They are already good friends. Yet I was really nervous - what did they think of me? - and almost panicky by the end. i had to do deep breathing. How ridiculous is that.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Hello!
I am new here, and I found your post extremely interesting in that I am 24 and have only recently realized/come to terms with the fact that my mother is indeed an alcoholic. I come from a family that, for years now, has denied and ignored that fact that my mom is an alcohlic. My brother and I talk about it frequently, yet we never do anything. As for the rest of my family, they choose to ignore it bc when they HAVE confronted my mom, she shuts down and literally doesn't speak to any one.
My mom is VERY good at shutting people out. Over the course of her life she has successfuly "gotten rid of" many friends for reasons I don't know or understand. I know that it is likely she could disown me if I confronted her. Lately, though, I'm not sure if that's such a bad thing...bc it would be more like ME moving on with my life-which I need!
The traits you all explain sound just like her. She has always been more interested in my academic and athletic achievements, but even when I succeed in those they are soon forgotten. I have perfectionism issues. She tends to dwell on material things and has hundreds (not lying) of catalogs that she sifts through daily looking for new clothes etc. She cares about her hair, nails, clothes, and talks about every one behind their backs. When she is drunk (every night) she talks about other people repeatedly. Never anything good. She'll say one night how I can't do this and I can't do that, that I've made bad decisions in life, that I can't take responsibility for myself, that I can't make decisions on my own, and that she thinks I'm depressed and need medication. The next day when she's sober she'll say I'm fine.
In result, I am confused and agitated and anxious...looking for a way out. I DO let her bother me on a daily basis...however I know moving on will be so much better.
She doesn't work bc, well...my father has it together and has allowed her to lead a life of luxury basically-but I don't think she realizes it. He works VERY hard and always has. She drinks every night, it is like a haze sets in, and I believe her brian has actually started to not function. I think there's mush in there. Does any one know what actually happens to an alcoholics brains? She retains no information, forgets what every one says, repeats herself...and ALSO.... something I find interesting is that she has balance issues when she drinks. It is like a neurological thing. She walks peg-legged and falls down and hurts herself a lot. Like a teetering type walk. I'm waiting for the day she falls and hits her head...and no one is there.
I am new here, and I found your post extremely interesting in that I am 24 and have only recently realized/come to terms with the fact that my mother is indeed an alcoholic. I come from a family that, for years now, has denied and ignored that fact that my mom is an alcohlic. My brother and I talk about it frequently, yet we never do anything. As for the rest of my family, they choose to ignore it bc when they HAVE confronted my mom, she shuts down and literally doesn't speak to any one.
My mom is VERY good at shutting people out. Over the course of her life she has successfuly "gotten rid of" many friends for reasons I don't know or understand. I know that it is likely she could disown me if I confronted her. Lately, though, I'm not sure if that's such a bad thing...bc it would be more like ME moving on with my life-which I need!
The traits you all explain sound just like her. She has always been more interested in my academic and athletic achievements, but even when I succeed in those they are soon forgotten. I have perfectionism issues. She tends to dwell on material things and has hundreds (not lying) of catalogs that she sifts through daily looking for new clothes etc. She cares about her hair, nails, clothes, and talks about every one behind their backs. When she is drunk (every night) she talks about other people repeatedly. Never anything good. She'll say one night how I can't do this and I can't do that, that I've made bad decisions in life, that I can't take responsibility for myself, that I can't make decisions on my own, and that she thinks I'm depressed and need medication. The next day when she's sober she'll say I'm fine.
In result, I am confused and agitated and anxious...looking for a way out. I DO let her bother me on a daily basis...however I know moving on will be so much better.
She doesn't work bc, well...my father has it together and has allowed her to lead a life of luxury basically-but I don't think she realizes it. He works VERY hard and always has. She drinks every night, it is like a haze sets in, and I believe her brian has actually started to not function. I think there's mush in there. Does any one know what actually happens to an alcoholics brains? She retains no information, forgets what every one says, repeats herself...and ALSO.... something I find interesting is that she has balance issues when she drinks. It is like a neurological thing. She walks peg-legged and falls down and hurts herself a lot. Like a teetering type walk. I'm waiting for the day she falls and hits her head...and no one is there.
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Welcome to the board Yellowllr.
I would highly recommend that you read the stickies at the top of this forum, they contain very good information for someone just coming to grips with being an ACoA.
In the later stages of alcoholism, neurological damage does occur which can cause memory loss (particularly short term memory loss) and other symptoms of neurological degeneration.
I'm very sorry you have to witness this, but please come back, post more and talk to us. We've all had to deal with the various issues around alcoholic parents and we're here to help each other out.
I would highly recommend that you read the stickies at the top of this forum, they contain very good information for someone just coming to grips with being an ACoA.
Does any one know what actually happens to an alcoholics brains?
I'm very sorry you have to witness this, but please come back, post more and talk to us. We've all had to deal with the various issues around alcoholic parents and we're here to help each other out.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 7
WOW, and here all along I thought it was just my mom.
My mom did that to me also. Not only that, but when she died, we weren't talking then either. That was 8 years ago and I have not yet come to grips with her, her death, her alcoholism. Sorry to say, I don't care. There are days that I HATE myself when she creeps into my thoughts. Why? Because she is not even WORTH a thought to me. Do I want to forgive her? To me, I feel it's too late, so why bother. I know, I sound bitter, but I like feeling bitter towards her.
This is the best though - when she died - she had a will. She acknowledged me in her will, but left everything to my cousin. Now, it's not the fact that she left everything to my cousin (because I could care less), but it was her LAST ACT FROM THE GRAVE that I will never, EVER get over.
She screwed me in life, and she screwed me in death. Nice, huh .........
Sorry, I could go on forever.
My mom did that to me also. Not only that, but when she died, we weren't talking then either. That was 8 years ago and I have not yet come to grips with her, her death, her alcoholism. Sorry to say, I don't care. There are days that I HATE myself when she creeps into my thoughts. Why? Because she is not even WORTH a thought to me. Do I want to forgive her? To me, I feel it's too late, so why bother. I know, I sound bitter, but I like feeling bitter towards her.
This is the best though - when she died - she had a will. She acknowledged me in her will, but left everything to my cousin. Now, it's not the fact that she left everything to my cousin (because I could care less), but it was her LAST ACT FROM THE GRAVE that I will never, EVER get over.
She screwed me in life, and she screwed me in death. Nice, huh .........
Sorry, I could go on forever.
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#7 is the biggie on your list for me.
My mom was a hateful, abusive mean ugly alcoholic of the worse kind.
She has been sober 30 years. But, number 7 continues to this day.
She gripes about everything.
My mom was a hateful, abusive mean ugly alcoholic of the worse kind.
She has been sober 30 years. But, number 7 continues to this day.
She gripes about everything.
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