Shivaya

I need some insight here.............quick update first.......

my AH is making positive changes in many areas: more actively involved with the children, household duties, paying attention to & taking care of his health issues, including cutting way back on his alcohol consumption (yes, I said "cutting back", on his own, not working a program, but not for me to tell him "how" to recover...). This is the greatest effort I've seen him make in the 19 years we've been together. I have told him that I am very proud he is making progress.

I have finally been awakened to my part in this mess. Yes, I've been a true, devoted enabler and a co-dependant. I am seeing a therapist, attending alanon and visiting SR. I feel I am making great progress, taking care of my issues.

I am, however, having an especially difficult time letting go of my resentment & anger. I have 10+ years of "cleaning up after AH's messes". I don't need to go into details, I'm sure you can all imagine.

So....AH wonders why I am "cold" towards him sometimes, and wants to know "when I will get over it". Says he's done so well for 4 months, and how long is it going to take for me to come around? Says he does not think about the past, he can't change it, he only wants to look towards the future.

I am allowing this to drive me insane! I don't want to, but I am drowning in it! I am having a really difficult time of letting the past go.....So....I have put up with years of undesirable behaviors, and now that he's "cleaning up his act", I have to move on with him and "get over" the past?

I know I have to let go of my resentment & anger, for my own well-being. I know I will eventually get how to do this. I'm just not sure that I want to be his wife anymore, and this makes me so sad............

Thanks for listening,

Shivaya

BayAreaPhoenix

Dr. Phil - and I have to say here, I don't agree with everything or watch him regularly (like years now I haven't watched him)- but I remember seeing or reading something he wrote about the "wronger" not being able to set the timetable of the "wronged" in "getting over it". Doesn't mean to wallow in it, etc. but 10 years vs. 4 mos. there's a reality check here. He doesn't need to be clubbed over the head, but if he expects basically instant results with that kind of equation, he just might get the past thrown in his face.

Take the time YOU need. Deal with YOUR issues. If it's not on his timetable, then so be it. This instant gratification is a residual of their "illness" and while you may not be interferinig with his choice of recovery, seems to me he shouldn't place expectations on you for yours. If he was in a 12 step recovery program of any sort, he would know the answer to this himself!



These are just my opinions. Be strong, be healthy, be happy and good luck! (((hugs)))

geees poncho

Short & quick answer.
What took 10 yrs. to build, may take 10 yrs to forgive.

peaceteach

Well I think you are in quite a good place right now, Shivaya, unless I'm reading something in between the lines that just isn't there. I see a woman who is being totally honest with herself and allowing herself to entertain the notion that she may not stay in this marriage. And that she will be doing this for herself if and when the time comes.

Your husband is not working a program. Your husband is still drinking. If this were me in my previous marriage and with my codie ways, I would still be wringing my hands with worry, waiting for the shoe to drop and for him to completely relapse! You, on the other hand, have set firm boundaries and are taking care of yourself and your children, and taking positive steps towards self-health. That is awesome.

Don't let your husband try to take away your progress by making the focus all about him and his "finding things about you" to criticize. YOU don't need to even respond to that type of questioning. If he is uncomfortable with your lack of attention or love, too bad. That's his issue and he created it. If he is just trying to "be good" for once, again, that is the way he should have been acting all along as a husband and doesn't deserve any special reward.

Keep that focus you've got going on you, sister. You are really making strides in understanding codependency and navigating choppy waters with calm and grace

RosieM

Shivaya,

Although my situation is different (ah and I are divorcing), I am dealing with this as well. I don't want this anger and resentment to swallow me up. I think there might be a difference between forgiveness and rediscovering a truly intimate relationship.

I read in one of those books (maybe a Melody Beattie book? I forget.) that letting go of resentment is a gift you give to yourself. I think that folds into what Peaceteach was saying about keeping the focus on yourself.

I imagine your husband thinks that if you forgive him everything will be the way it was before, but it's more about you and your well-being than it is about him.

The trust will take longer to build back up, and I think that does have a lot to do with him and his actions and how much of this "good behavior" will be enough to convince you he has really changed so you will feel comfortable being truly close to him again.

hadenoughnow

This is just my ESH but my ex would go into what I now call "marriage maintance mode" when he felt he was about to lose me. He would cut back on drinking, work more, spend less money and attempt to act like a normal decent human being. The problem was that he expected to be rewarded with gratitude and attention for his heroic efforts. If he didn't get it he went back to drunken manic mode.
We were married for almost 16 years and together for 20 so I went through this sort of thing multiple times, he refused to stay in therapy or work any sort of recovery program so the ism always won eventually.

nowinsituation

Shivaya - thanks for this thread. I am struggling with this issue also. My AH and I are divorcing. At times I have thought I had forgiven him, but deep down I know I haven't. I want him to make amends, I want him to acknowledge to me how hurtful his behaviors were. Logically I can accept that I can forgive him without an apology, but I can't let myself pretend I have, and I can't move on until I know I have. So I am working on it as best I can. What hurts me more, is that I truly think he believes he hasn't done anything wrong, and that I left our marriage because I was being selfish and that I am willing to put everyone through all this pain just because I didn't want to deal with his issues any longer (didn't I promise "through sickness and in health"??). That is somewhere I shouldn't go -- into his head to try to guess what he is thinking. I KNOW that -- but I am having trouble getting past KNOWING what is right and actually believing it.

Hang in there Shivaya -- we have to feel our feelings on our own timetable. We are searching for answers, and we are searching in the right places. Trust that they will come when we are ready.

warrens

Shivaya

As the 'recovering" in my relationship, I see nothing that should cause you guilt. Turmoil, perhaps, but not guilt.

As I relapsed after years of sobriety, I well know now that I cannot "control" my drinking. No matter how good my intentions, how strong my will, alcohol will remain a predominant influence in my life as long as I continue to drink. It is not my wish, it is not my desire, I am a wonderful, loving person and nothing is more important to my "sane" mind than the ones whom I love. But I'm an addict. Add alcohol and I become insane. Not overtly. I'm not violent or aggressive; I don't go on benders. As M'lady would say "I just go away."

We alcoholics want everything to be about "us." We are needy. We want life neatly arranged so as to "protect" our lifestyle. We will spend enormous amounts of energy to do so. We will try to manipulate the emotions of others. We are martyrs to our cause. We are great at making others feel responsible for our pain.

I hope that somehow, your relationship can be salvaged. Offering advice would be unethical. Stuff like this is far too complex. But I see no reason for you to disparage your feelings. They are real and they are justified. Healing from any trauma takes as long as the victim needs. It cannot be rushed along, if it is to be REAL healing. We alcoholics simply need to accept that. All we can do is focus on our own healing and recovery. We cannot "manage" how others feel about us. Which is no different from any love relationship.

A others have said, work on your own inner peace and serenity. Without the manipulation of others. When you are truly sane, your heart will tell you what you feel and what you don't. In order to do that, you will need to get rid of the commotion in your head.

Go in peace, be in peace with whatever your heart decides. As a man who is in love with a woman, I desire nothing less than what is genuine. Or not. I would not wish to be in a relationship based upon guilt or "commitment" without love. But then, I'm "sane" these days.

Best to you and your family.

warren

Chrysalis

WOW - this is a superb thread! A lot of this rings true for me too.
All of the feedback is tremendous.

Thanks, I really enjoyed reading it.

NYC_Chick

I think you will let go of it when you are ready. My therapist always tells me to feel my feelings, whatever they are, because if I try to stuff it and "get over it" it will eventually come back up and hit me between they eyes.

I still feel resentful towards my xabf. I'm still trying to learn to have compassion for him, though most days when I think of all the lies, I'm just not there. AND IT'S OK to go at your own pace.

One thing that helps me is writing "anger" letters. I get a big red pen, and just write whatever comes out, usually with a lot of cuss words : ) These are never sent, of course, they are just for me. When you are done, tear it up and let little pieces of the anger go at a time.
:ghug

ToughChoices

Can I second the "give yourself as much time as you need" idea that was presented earlier?

It's hard to move forward, it's hard to forgive, it's hard to look to the future.

It's just plain hard.

He doesn't want to acknowledge the difficult position that you're in because it makes him feel bad about himself. To me, this is where 12-step recovery really makes the difference. The steps teach an addict how to forgive themselves, and the fellowship of AA or NA encourages patience and understanding of the pain that their addiction has caused others.

He doesn't have that yet. He can't help you.

Of course we all know that you can't make him work a program - so it doesn't do much good to talk about the benefits of one. I only mention it so that maybe you can be a little easier on yourself.

I think forgiveness (hard as it is) is a lot easier in certain situations. Your's is not one of them. You'll get there, Shivaya. Try not to feel guilty about the time that it takes you.

Wishing you peace.
-TC

abcdefg

I think what everyone has said here about taking the time it takes is so important. You've been through a lot and recovery, which includes letting go of resentments, is a process that takes time. If, as warrens said, there is trauma involved (and often there is with active drinking/using) then you will need whatever time you need. Anyone who is pressuring you about that is doing so only for their own selfish, manipulative purposes (although it may be totally unconscious and unintended to be hurtful).

It took me a very, very long time to understand that letting go of resentment would actually HELP me.

I thought that if I let go of my resentment (in other words, if I stopped punishing you for or letting you know with my anger how much you had wronged me with your awful past behavior) I would be CONDONING what you did.

I had to get into a very spiritual place to realize that it's not up to me to be punishing or pardoning anyone.

I don't know if any of that is going on for you (it mostly sounds like it's just too soon) but if anyone on the thread can relate, I just wanted to share it.

Kindeyes

It took me a long time to realize that I needed to let go of the anger and resentment for ME. Not for my Xah or A son or my brother or my parents or anyone else.......no one but me. Anger and resentment just don't feel good to me. When I truly let it go, it wasn't really a forgiveness.....it was a release. A weight off MY shoulders. I eventually realized that the anger and resentment was doing more harm to me than it was to those I felt it about. I was feeling those icky feelings while they went on their merry way feeling "ok". I let go for me.

I hope over time you can do the same.......for you.......in your own time.

warrens

Anger and resentment do no reside within YOU. You give them permission to rent a room in your soul. They are the result of power that you endow someone else with. You can choose to do that or not. Not instantaneously, mind you. It is a journey. But it is a destination that exists.

Eleanor Roosevelt's profound statement "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission," is more sweeping than she intended. How many words can you substitute for "inferior" while retaining the validity of her insight?

warren

Bernadette

Shivaya
(((HUGS)))
Just in the short time I have been reading your threads I have noticed progress for you! You have set some boundaries and stuck with them. You are really trying to detach and questioning things about yourself differently now.

I agree with all this amazing insight people are sharing...yes, hopefully, one day you will rid yourself of this resentment - but hey it takes time, different amounts of time for different resentments even. So don't feel pressured by him to do anything. Listen to your inner voice.

Oh, and THANK YOU abcdefg-- for this little nugget:
"I thought that if I let go of my resentment (in other words, if I stopped punishing you for or letting you know with my anger how much you had wronged me with your awful past behavior) I would be CONDONING what you did."

Holy Cow do I still struggle with that. DAILY!! And I know therein lies the key...but wow that is a tough, tough feeling for me to get over.

Great thread - thanks Shivaya for bringing this!

Peace,
B.

Shivaya

Thank you, each and every one of you, for your replies. Unfortunately, every time I click on "thanks", it deletes all the names already there, and does not show my name! Yikes! I have contacted the administrator several times, but no reply!

Your words have all been so encouraging to me, and are helping me to understand that there is no timetable in recovery.

I think I will try to live in the "now", and I will save my "going over the past" for my therapist's office.

I feel clear-headed today, and confident that I'm continuing to move forward in my recovery. Yesterday, I was drowning........today I am swimming at a great speed.

Could not have done this without your input and insights.

I am blessed!





Shivaya

NYC_Chick

This makes so much sense to me. Thank you for this!