AliceinWndrland

Hi, I wanted to try and get some insight on a situation with my dad, an alcoholic... tomorrow is going to be the first time I'm going to be seeing him in close to 2 months (we used to hang out every Sunday) - the first time since he called me up drunk and told me he's got all kinds of problems and all I do is nag him and he never wants to speak to me again, and a lot of other really hurtful things... since then we've emailed, and he's apologized, although never admitted to being drunk when it happened. I don't *think* he's drinking right now, although I also know he's not doing any kind of recovery - no meeting, AA, therapy, self-help books.. nothing. He's "going it on his own" as usual. I know he's been really terribly depressed, lately and for a while, and also he's told he his doctor recently told him he may have pancreatic cancer and is waiting for some test results. He asked me if I would stop by tomorrow to drop something off, go over some paperwork about my grandmother's estate.. all an excuse I'm sure just to see me. that's fine. I don't really want to see him but with everything he's going through I'm trying to "be there for him" as much as I can.
I guess I'm just wondering how to lay down boundaries. I don't want him to think everything's ok, I don't want him to think this means everythings fine or forgiven or that I'm going to start going over there regularly anymore. I'm just wondering if anyone has any thoughts about how to lay down boundaries - lovingly, and knowing he's in a really bad place - and also knowing I'm the type that very easily just says "yes ok!" to things I don't really want to do...

peaceteach

Hi Alice,

Sometimes it helps me (as someone who also finds it difficult to say no for myself) to imagine that I am making these decisions for a girlfriend or a daughter. What would I advise my friend or loved one to "allow" and what to not allow in order to keep herself free of guilt and pain? I know in my days of being married to an alcoholic, I had a tough time standing up for myself, but I was pretty fierce protecting my children, or a friend in need. Put a little of that codie-help energy into standing up for YOU, just as you would some girl you love.

I think it might also be helpful to write down a little list that you can mentally take with you on your visit. If my dad does ________ , I have the right to ________ (walk away, say no calmly but as often as necessary, say "oh" and nothing else). If you have it in your mind what MAY happen and prepare yourself with logical and boundary-like responses, you will feel more confident and self-assured going into the visit.

Good luck, sweetie, and I will pray for strength and love to find its way to you for that visit!

AliceinWndrland

It was strange - I thought I'd be really nervous and uncomfortable, but I wasn't. I didn't stay for too long, only 2 hours - I didn't want it to come across as "hey we're back like the old days, everything is fine!" But we just chatted, I didn't bring up any heavy issues, and told him to keep me posted on what he hears from his doctor this week. I mostly just wanted him to know I'm here for him, and once the health questions are answered, we can start tackling our issues. I'm glad I went, and I'm glad it's over...
thanks, Alice