Is it wrong to hope?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 3
Is it wrong to hope?
As a newcomer to the site, I have been reading a lot of what has been posted, and it's comforting to know that I am not alone in what I am going through. Let me introduce myself. I have been married to my AH now for almost 2 years. Looking back on the "whirlwind" relationship, there were many signs of his alcoholism, including him coming out and admitting it to me that he was an alcoholic after a blow up and after I told him that I needed some time away from the realtionship.
I have gone through pretty much everything in the last three years. The verbal abuse, the financial difficulties, drunkin tyraids, and especially all the lies or as he puts it, half-truths. After the drunken episodes, he always tells me that he'll never drink again and that he's going to change...etc, etc...you all know the routine. I have told him in the past that I was leaving him and have drawn the line, but as always, I try to see the best in him and want so badly to trust and believe in him and in the end always stay. We also have an 18 month old son and I keep telling myself that I need to look out for what is best for us and when it happened this last time I thought that this was it. I was going to do it. I actually had the moving van scheduled and furniture bought...but still decided not to. I keep asking myself, am I an idiot to want to believe that this time is going to be different? I mean, he quit the country club, he's going to see a psycologist and he's going to meetings almost every day....so there's hope, right? I guess that sometimes all we have is hope...hope that the one that we so deeply love will get the help that they need to turn their life arround.
Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences here. It has given me the comfort to express how I'm feeling and to know that I'm not alone in what sometimes feels like a hopeless situation.
I have gone through pretty much everything in the last three years. The verbal abuse, the financial difficulties, drunkin tyraids, and especially all the lies or as he puts it, half-truths. After the drunken episodes, he always tells me that he'll never drink again and that he's going to change...etc, etc...you all know the routine. I have told him in the past that I was leaving him and have drawn the line, but as always, I try to see the best in him and want so badly to trust and believe in him and in the end always stay. We also have an 18 month old son and I keep telling myself that I need to look out for what is best for us and when it happened this last time I thought that this was it. I was going to do it. I actually had the moving van scheduled and furniture bought...but still decided not to. I keep asking myself, am I an idiot to want to believe that this time is going to be different? I mean, he quit the country club, he's going to see a psycologist and he's going to meetings almost every day....so there's hope, right? I guess that sometimes all we have is hope...hope that the one that we so deeply love will get the help that they need to turn their life arround.
Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences here. It has given me the comfort to express how I'm feeling and to know that I'm not alone in what sometimes feels like a hopeless situation.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 46
in my opinion, there is always hope. I think although most of the stories are almost all the same, some DO recover and stay sober.
a suggestion: this is a great forum, it's helped me a WHOLE lot, but you might want to do what I'm doing - I'm looking at other sites too, that talk about the success stories.
a suggestion: this is a great forum, it's helped me a WHOLE lot, but you might want to do what I'm doing - I'm looking at other sites too, that talk about the success stories.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by SickOfLies 
Triciafawn-
What other site do you suggest?
What other site do you suggest?
well, I just started looking, just doing a google search of "success stories of recovering alcoholics" and found these:
Personal Recovery Stories
Drug, alcohol addiction recovery stories at Recovery Month
But also, you might want to try this: I "accidentally" went to an AA meeting, instead of an Al Anon meeting tonight. I went into the wrong building. But ya know what? I stayed! And I'm glad I did. The joy in that room was exhilarating! It was really nice to hear people's stories and how long they'd been sober, getting their chips, etc.
Oh, and also - some treatment centers put success stories on their websites.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
When you begin to take the "hope" off the addict/alcoholic and put it where you have control-yourself-then, yes, I believe there is a place for hope. Please read about codependency and the role YOU play in the disease of addiction and how YOU have been affected. Keeping your focus on yourself and children, and letting the addict own his own problems and addictions is the first step towards hope.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I have been hoping for years, now I just hope god sees her one day and turns on that lightbulb for her.
I think we all hope for the turnaround. This is such a disturbing disease and I dont think I have ever experience anything more draining emotionally and physically. But there has to come a time for our lightbulb moment too, when we finally realize that we can confuse support with enabling them. We will not change them or the situation they are in. It was alot of work for me to do I can tell you. To put it short, along as they know they have things looked after for them and that you are there picking up all the pieces why on earth would you do any different. The wanting to stop has to come from within, and until he finally has that last drink he can possibly drink, you will be still watching it. He has to hit his rockbottom and who knows when that will be. It will be a hard road for you and you will know when it is time to go or not. We all want that fix for them. To keep loving them and look after them but actually I dont even know who my as is anymore.
Good luck to you.
I think we all hope for the turnaround. This is such a disturbing disease and I dont think I have ever experience anything more draining emotionally and physically. But there has to come a time for our lightbulb moment too, when we finally realize that we can confuse support with enabling them. We will not change them or the situation they are in. It was alot of work for me to do I can tell you. To put it short, along as they know they have things looked after for them and that you are there picking up all the pieces why on earth would you do any different. The wanting to stop has to come from within, and until he finally has that last drink he can possibly drink, you will be still watching it. He has to hit his rockbottom and who knows when that will be. It will be a hard road for you and you will know when it is time to go or not. We all want that fix for them. To keep loving them and look after them but actually I dont even know who my as is anymore.
Good luck to you.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I had hope too. I think my hope lasted about 12/13 months and then I started thinking about the reality of my day to day life. It was draining my spirit, my positive energy and my hope was dwindling. In the end I needed to take steps that ensured there was hope for my future.
I strongly agree with the last few posts, educate yourself on how this disease effects you and your child, enabling, and owning responsibility for actions. Staying or leaving, these issues must be addressed when time has been spent with an A IMHO. Keep the focus on you and your child, he is an adult who can look after himself, the pity for what they suffer wears off!
Lily xxxxxxxxx
I strongly agree with the last few posts, educate yourself on how this disease effects you and your child, enabling, and owning responsibility for actions. Staying or leaving, these issues must be addressed when time has been spent with an A IMHO. Keep the focus on you and your child, he is an adult who can look after himself, the pity for what they suffer wears off!
Lily xxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
SickofLies, hope is never wrong!
Life without hope, for me, would be a very dreary place. Altho I left my AH and am in the process of getting a divorce, I hope and pray that someone my AH will admit he is an alcoholic and move toward recovery. But I could not continue to live with than man who he is now. I could not longer love the man he is now.
I now focus my hope on me and want I want for my life. I turned my hopes and prayers for my AH over to God since there is nothing I can do.
I have one question about your AH. Is he still drinking?
Life without hope, for me, would be a very dreary place. Altho I left my AH and am in the process of getting a divorce, I hope and pray that someone my AH will admit he is an alcoholic and move toward recovery. But I could not continue to live with than man who he is now. I could not longer love the man he is now.
I now focus my hope on me and want I want for my life. I turned my hopes and prayers for my AH over to God since there is nothing I can do.
I have one question about your AH. Is he still drinking?
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
SickofLies 
Ya know I saw this thread and it did not amaze me that this topic came back up! In my Al-Anon meeting on Sunday we had a newcomer and she has an A son ( I cannot go into to much detail for Anonymity reasons) however-as I know I was very angry when I first went into those rooms-the topic of hope came up in our meeting-
IMHO I believe that even though the A in our lives or anyone for that matter may continue to let us down-because they are not doing what we believe they should be for themselves-may diminish our hope for them to recover-this is justified-but when we learn to turn it over as we eventually do-we hope that they recover-and no longer allow the hope to diminish because we give that hope to our lives! Exactly as Barb stated-We focus on US and what we want for our lives-
This was always one of my fav's from the movie "Hope Floats"
Ya know I saw this thread and it did not amaze me that this topic came back up! In my Al-Anon meeting on Sunday we had a newcomer and she has an A son ( I cannot go into to much detail for Anonymity reasons) however-as I know I was very angry when I first went into those rooms-the topic of hope came up in our meeting-
IMHO I believe that even though the A in our lives or anyone for that matter may continue to let us down-because they are not doing what we believe they should be for themselves-may diminish our hope for them to recover-this is justified-but when we learn to turn it over as we eventually do-we hope that they recover-and no longer allow the hope to diminish because we give that hope to our lives! Exactly as Barb stated-We focus on US and what we want for our lives-
This was always one of my fav's from the movie "Hope Floats"
Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will...
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,707
Hi, there, SickofLies.
I think that attending an AA meeting can be helpful - you can see the kind of transformation that honest introspection and willingness to change can bring. You can see that it is possible.
BUT, knowing that it is possible does not mean that you can give it to your alcoholic. You will want to, but you cannot. I struggled with this a great deal.
The alcoholics in our lives who find lasting recovery do it on their own terms, in their own time.
I think that attending an AA meeting can be helpful - you can see the kind of transformation that honest introspection and willingness to change can bring. You can see that it is possible.
BUT, knowing that it is possible does not mean that you can give it to your alcoholic. You will want to, but you cannot. I struggled with this a great deal.
The alcoholics in our lives who find lasting recovery do it on their own terms, in their own time.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
SickOfLies, I am learning to be hopeful for myself- to rely on myself for what I need. I used to hope my AH would get sober- for himself, for me, and for our daughter. Now I realize I can't put my life on hold- holding out hope that this person I've invested so much time and energy on will get healthy. Yes, I do hope he find real recovery, but I know I need to think about what I want now. I am turning the energy I used to spend on him towards myself. I go to al-anon, journal, go to counseling, and come here for support. This is a great place for that. Basically, taking the focus off him is allowing me to finally have some hope for MY future. (((Take care of yourself)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Pajarito
Now I realize I can't put my life on hold- holding out hope that this person I've invested so much time and energy on will get healthy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hope. I will always have hope. The difference is that I do not have expectations.
I can be let down by my expectations of my A son but I can never be let down by hope. Hope belongs to me.
gentle hugs
I can be let down by my expectations of my A son but I can never be let down by hope. Hope belongs to me.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
There is always hope; but it is not a plan.
When I read your first paragraph it sent me back - 18 years ago. I could have written it word for word.
My hope for you is that you listen to all that is out there and decide what is best for both you and your child, whether the alcoholic stays sober or not.
Good luck!
When I read your first paragraph it sent me back - 18 years ago. I could have written it word for word.
My hope for you is that you listen to all that is out there and decide what is best for both you and your child, whether the alcoholic stays sober or not.
Good luck!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Back when I was a new member on this forum, when I wasn't hearing what I wanted to hear--that everything would be OK and somehow my alcoholic boyfriend could magically transform into my idea of a perfect man--I was tempted to look for a place that would keep my dreams of perfection alive and my rose-colored glasses intact. I guess that's why the suggestion to find a site where only success stories are shared seems to be the one that has peaked your interest the most, SickOfLies.
But hearing what I want to hear never got me anywhere. It kept me stuck in the same old miserable life and eternally waiting for someone else to change. What helped me the most was deciding to remove my rose-colored glasses, give up my dreams of a perfect partner, and be willing to face the truth.
The truth is spoken here. There are a plenty of success stories, but most of them have nothing to do with the alcohlics in our lives. The truth is the vast majority of addicts fail to reach and maintain lasting sobriety. That is the nature of addiction. It isn't a pretty picture.
The success stories on this forum have to do with the family and friends of alcoholics getting the help and support they need to make healthier life choices; gain self awareness and self confidence; achieve emotional and financial independence; set boundaries to protect themselves; and develop tools to stop accepting unacceptable behaviors from others.
You can visit the sites that only focus on success stories and continue to live outside reality or you can decide it's time to face the truth.
I chose to face the truth and that's when my life began to change drastically.
But hearing what I want to hear never got me anywhere. It kept me stuck in the same old miserable life and eternally waiting for someone else to change. What helped me the most was deciding to remove my rose-colored glasses, give up my dreams of a perfect partner, and be willing to face the truth.
The truth is spoken here. There are a plenty of success stories, but most of them have nothing to do with the alcohlics in our lives. The truth is the vast majority of addicts fail to reach and maintain lasting sobriety. That is the nature of addiction. It isn't a pretty picture.
The success stories on this forum have to do with the family and friends of alcoholics getting the help and support they need to make healthier life choices; gain self awareness and self confidence; achieve emotional and financial independence; set boundaries to protect themselves; and develop tools to stop accepting unacceptable behaviors from others.
You can visit the sites that only focus on success stories and continue to live outside reality or you can decide it's time to face the truth.
I chose to face the truth and that's when my life began to change drastically.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
.
The success stories on this forum have to do with the family and friends of alcoholics getting the help and support they need to make healthier life choices; gain self awareness and self confidence; achieve emotional and financial independence; set boundaries to protect themselves; and develop tools to stop accepting unacceptable behaviors from others.
You can visit the sites that only focus on success stories and continue to live outside reality or you can decide it's time to face the truth.
I chose to face the truth and that's when my life began to change drastically.
The success stories on this forum have to do with the family and friends of alcoholics getting the help and support they need to make healthier life choices; gain self awareness and self confidence; achieve emotional and financial independence; set boundaries to protect themselves; and develop tools to stop accepting unacceptable behaviors from others.
You can visit the sites that only focus on success stories and continue to live outside reality or you can decide it's time to face the truth.
I chose to face the truth and that's when my life began to change drastically.
Brava!
I consider myself one of those success stories. My life is centered around me and my future. I left behind my wishful thinking and learned to deal in realities. I know that I did the right thing for me and my family, that my life is now full of self respect, self direction, and self fulfillment. I have relinquished my self delusions.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: London
Posts: 130
I'm hoping too, he's just home from a rehab program and fully admits his problems. It all looks good, but I'm going to attend alanon as a contingency/coping stratergy. I want to believe it will work but don't want to give him the pressure of me keep checking up and I don't need it either. I don't have a clue if alanon works (not enough experience) but it's worth a go.
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