new and desperate
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: sioux falls sd
Posts: 5
new and desperate
Hi guys, I am new here and I am sure I will mess this up but I wanted to come out and say HI and Help all in the same message. I go by Sam and I am a 48 year old mother and wife. Both my husband and son who is still living with me are alcoholics. The situation at my house is miserable and I am so lost and cofused I just don't know what to do.
I get physical and verbal abuse from a husband who knows he is an alcoholic but says he doesn't want to go to AA meetings or counseling. I have a 25 year old son who just went thru treatment but is drinking again and is very verbally abusive to me. Neither has any where else to go, really and I just don't know what to do. I kicked both out on Saturday and yet of course they came back on Saturday night, got into a fight that turned very ugly. I can not even wrap my mind around the insanity anymore. I have been off work for a back surgery and arm surgeries so I am not even able to support my self. Besides I always think why should I live my home that I have worked so hard for. I haven't been the one getting arrested for DUI or had to go to treatment and yet I feel like I am on the edge of losing everything. I know my husband uses that against me and says I will lose the house and everything if I make him go into recovery and then he will leave me anyways. Sometimes I think I am at the point where I just want to be alone and yet sometimes I think not. I wonder who is crazier me or them.
I know I have already lost my self in this mess. This has been going on for at least 10 years and I always believed that some day these two would stop but they don't they just keep going on. What do I do? I am so very confused, scared and unable to think right now I just feel numb.
I get physical and verbal abuse from a husband who knows he is an alcoholic but says he doesn't want to go to AA meetings or counseling. I have a 25 year old son who just went thru treatment but is drinking again and is very verbally abusive to me. Neither has any where else to go, really and I just don't know what to do. I kicked both out on Saturday and yet of course they came back on Saturday night, got into a fight that turned very ugly. I can not even wrap my mind around the insanity anymore. I have been off work for a back surgery and arm surgeries so I am not even able to support my self. Besides I always think why should I live my home that I have worked so hard for. I haven't been the one getting arrested for DUI or had to go to treatment and yet I feel like I am on the edge of losing everything. I know my husband uses that against me and says I will lose the house and everything if I make him go into recovery and then he will leave me anyways. Sometimes I think I am at the point where I just want to be alone and yet sometimes I think not. I wonder who is crazier me or them.
I know I have already lost my self in this mess. This has been going on for at least 10 years and I always believed that some day these two would stop but they don't they just keep going on. What do I do? I am so very confused, scared and unable to think right now I just feel numb.
Last edited by sam0518; 03-24-2008 at 07:29 AM. Reason: miss spelling
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Hi Sam and welcome
Sorry to hear of the awful situation you're in. I can't help much with advice, but i'm sure someone will come along soon who can.
Is the house in your name? Should you see a lawyer to get some advice - you need to be safe first of all and it doesnt sound like you are. No one has the right to hit you or abuse you - are there any helplines you could ring?
Wish I could help more - keep posting and talking to us. You will find a way thru this and you're not alone
x
Sorry to hear of the awful situation you're in. I can't help much with advice, but i'm sure someone will come along soon who can.
Is the house in your name? Should you see a lawyer to get some advice - you need to be safe first of all and it doesnt sound like you are. No one has the right to hit you or abuse you - are there any helplines you could ring?
Wish I could help more - keep posting and talking to us. You will find a way thru this and you're not alone
x
Sister of Alcoholic
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere USA
Posts: 152
Hi Sam,
Welcome to SR. I think this forum will be of a great help to you; there are so many people in your same situation...I'm sorry that I can't offer you any legal advice (the alcoholic in my life is my sister), but I agree with Sophia that you should contact a domestic abuse hotline for help and make sure you are in a safe place...would you consider going to a domestic abuse shelter for women? Are there any free or low-cost legal services in your area?
I do know that dealing with an alcoholic can send you to hell and back...over and over. There are choices you can make; I know your situation looks hopeless right now, but you will get through this...But please, please, PLEASE keep yourself safe in all of this above all.
keep posting and know that we're here for you..
Hugs
Welcome to SR. I think this forum will be of a great help to you; there are so many people in your same situation...I'm sorry that I can't offer you any legal advice (the alcoholic in my life is my sister), but I agree with Sophia that you should contact a domestic abuse hotline for help and make sure you are in a safe place...would you consider going to a domestic abuse shelter for women? Are there any free or low-cost legal services in your area?
I do know that dealing with an alcoholic can send you to hell and back...over and over. There are choices you can make; I know your situation looks hopeless right now, but you will get through this...But please, please, PLEASE keep yourself safe in all of this above all.
keep posting and know that we're here for you..
Hugs
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
hi Sam
you`re in a rought situation-another option
I noticed you said "I get physical and verbal abuse from a husband"
I believe that means he is beating you.If he is,
go see the Law and take papers out on him and have his butt thrown out of the house,and get a restraining order and you stick with it untill he gets sober.No man or woman has to take physical abuse.Stick with it.If you want things to get better,you have to take some action to stop the physical abuse before he kills you.You can`t fix him,but you can start your own recovery today!
if it was me,I would get going even if I had to start over with nothing,at least I would be alive and no one would be beating me
you`re in a rought situation-another option
I noticed you said "I get physical and verbal abuse from a husband"
I believe that means he is beating you.If he is,
go see the Law and take papers out on him and have his butt thrown out of the house,and get a restraining order and you stick with it untill he gets sober.No man or woman has to take physical abuse.Stick with it.If you want things to get better,you have to take some action to stop the physical abuse before he kills you.You can`t fix him,but you can start your own recovery today!
if it was me,I would get going even if I had to start over with nothing,at least I would be alive and no one would be beating me
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Please call a domestic violence hotline. You can remain anonymous and they will talk with you about the options available. There are people out there who are willing to help, you just have to ask. Here are two numbers in your area.
Children's Inn 409 North Western Avenue Sioux Falls SD 57104 Business #: 605-338-0116 Hotline/Crisis: 605-338-4880
Crisis & Transition Shelter/YWCA 300 West 11th Sioux Falls SD 57102 Business #: 605-336-3660 Hotline/Crisis: 605-336-3660
And here is a link to resources in SD. State Domestic Violence Resources - O to W
L
Children's Inn 409 North Western Avenue Sioux Falls SD 57104 Business #: 605-338-0116 Hotline/Crisis: 605-338-4880
Crisis & Transition Shelter/YWCA 300 West 11th Sioux Falls SD 57102 Business #: 605-336-3660 Hotline/Crisis: 605-336-3660
And here is a link to resources in SD. State Domestic Violence Resources - O to W
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: sioux falls sd
Posts: 5
I will be ok, I can't go to a shelter. I have two pets that are my life right now and the only thing that keeps me here. Since my husband is usually the one that hits and my son is not at least he will keep me from that usually. I do have a friend across the street that if I had to I could get out of the house and call the police there. I think I have been thru this so much that I can handle it, I just don't know.
The thing is how do you really know when to give up on a person? Like today he is so nice and sweet, yea I know it comes and goes and maybe I am just kidding my self. I lost my uncle today and it has been a very hard day. At this moment I think life is just to short to live in hell. Today I want to start over but I have lived this way so long that I know I will just roll with it and see what tomorrow will bring. Stupid right. I just don't know what to think right now. Please don't worry, if it gets to the point of being hit again I will not, will not let this go on, I just can't anymore.
I have put a plan into motion and plan on getting my self stable with money so if need be I can make it on my own. I am just so sad right now. I want to be loved, I want to stop taking care of every problem that comes up, I want someone to take care of me and love me. I guess maybe that is to much to ask for. You see I was abued as a child and I believe that is why I accept this as an adult. Yes, I am in counseling and yes he has advised me to find a safe place too.
I will be ok, and if not I believe God will take care of me. Either way I win
8
Why because I would be free and he would spend the rest of his life in jail. No really, I will not be hurt again. After today, I will fight back and not let this sh&& happen anymore. The death of my uncle has touch me more than I can say. Life is a gift to be savored, not abused. I just feel sad because I could not change this person or more apporiate reach this person. Funny he called me more often today than before. I think he knows that I am thinking about divorce. I called this place called East River Legal Services today but they never called me back.
At any rate thank you all so very much. Your words give me strength and hope. You are all a God sent to me. My heart feels over whelmed by your love and attention. God bless to all.
The thing is how do you really know when to give up on a person? Like today he is so nice and sweet, yea I know it comes and goes and maybe I am just kidding my self. I lost my uncle today and it has been a very hard day. At this moment I think life is just to short to live in hell. Today I want to start over but I have lived this way so long that I know I will just roll with it and see what tomorrow will bring. Stupid right. I just don't know what to think right now. Please don't worry, if it gets to the point of being hit again I will not, will not let this go on, I just can't anymore.
I have put a plan into motion and plan on getting my self stable with money so if need be I can make it on my own. I am just so sad right now. I want to be loved, I want to stop taking care of every problem that comes up, I want someone to take care of me and love me. I guess maybe that is to much to ask for. You see I was abued as a child and I believe that is why I accept this as an adult. Yes, I am in counseling and yes he has advised me to find a safe place too.
I will be ok, and if not I believe God will take care of me. Either way I win
8Why because I would be free and he would spend the rest of his life in jail. No really, I will not be hurt again. After today, I will fight back and not let this sh&& happen anymore. The death of my uncle has touch me more than I can say. Life is a gift to be savored, not abused. I just feel sad because I could not change this person or more apporiate reach this person. Funny he called me more often today than before. I think he knows that I am thinking about divorce. I called this place called East River Legal Services today but they never called me back.
At any rate thank you all so very much. Your words give me strength and hope. You are all a God sent to me. My heart feels over whelmed by your love and attention. God bless to all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I have put a plan into motion and plan on getting my self stable with money so if need be I can make it on my own. I am just so sad right now. I want to be loved, I want to stop taking care of every problem that comes up, I want someone to take care of me and love me. I guess maybe that is to much to ask for. You see I was abued as a child and I believe that is why I accept this as an adult. Yes, I am in counseling and yes he has advised me to find a safe place too.
You can be loved. You don't have to take care of every problem that comes along. And there is someone who can take care of you and love you.
It's you. That may not be the answer you want right now but until you love yourself enough to stop putting up with all of it, it will be hard to find love from someone else.
Alcoholics quack. "If you do _____, I'll do ______." or "If you don't do ________, I'll do _______." Fill in the blanks with whatever fits. When you stop reacting based upon their ultimatums and begin taking care of you, things get better.
The most important thing right now is for you to be SAFE. No one deserves to be abused physically or emotionally. You have been in such a terrible situation for so long that it's difficult to think. If you can find someone to care for the pets for a while and get into a shelter, you can have the quiet time you need and resources to figure things out. Who knows....the shelter may allow you to bring the pets with you. You don't know until you ask.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with living with two alcoholics and the chaos they create.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Just because you call a shelter doesn't mean you have to go there. They have trained people answering the phones who are very familiar with DV situations. They can give you advice, phone numbers, resources, etc. They will tell you options you may not have thought of for yourself. I hope you will avail yourself of their advice. You do not have to go to a shelter to get help. It's just a phone call, what have you got to lose?
L
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Oh, and just in case you haven't found the stickies yet, there is a ton of information up there, too. Here is a link.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
And a very good explanation of the abuse cycle and how it continues.
L
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
And a very good explanation of the abuse cycle and how it continues.
THE CYCLE OF ABUSE
Phase I: The tension Building
During this phase, the tension between a couple builds and arguments erupt easily. This is when accusations are made, everyday occurrences become unbearable disturbances and tension in the environment increases. There may be violent verbal outbursts, strained silences or sulking. Many women describe this as "walking on eggshells".
This phase may last only a day or two, or it could go on for several months or even years
Phase II: The acute incident
This is when the actual "fight" occurs. There may be slapping, pushing, hitting, biting, kicking, or shoving. There may be threats or the use of a weapon, sexual abuse, or even murder.
Phase III: The honeymoon
In this phase of the cycle, the batter makes many apologies and promises that will never happen again. There may be a honeymoon-like euphoria while the couple "makes up" with presents, flowers, romantic dinners out. The victim begins to hope that the batterer is genuinely remorseful, and chooses to believe that the violence will not happen again.
This phase slowly dissolves into the tension building phase, and the cycle repeats itself.
The duration of each phase varies, and will change over time. The Honeymoon Phases will become shorter, as the abuser begins to threaten even worse harm if the victim dares to leave. The Tension Building Phase quickly absorbs honeymoon time and often completely replaces it. As the abuse becomes more frequent and severe the couple moves through the cycle more quickly. Most abusive relationships begin with verbal abuse, and then move into violence, which escalates and becomes more deadly the longer the couple is together.
Many victims of abuse hang on to the belief that "the real person" will someday return for good. But they do not realize that the abuser is "the real person."
Phase I: The tension Building
During this phase, the tension between a couple builds and arguments erupt easily. This is when accusations are made, everyday occurrences become unbearable disturbances and tension in the environment increases. There may be violent verbal outbursts, strained silences or sulking. Many women describe this as "walking on eggshells".
This phase may last only a day or two, or it could go on for several months or even years
Phase II: The acute incident
This is when the actual "fight" occurs. There may be slapping, pushing, hitting, biting, kicking, or shoving. There may be threats or the use of a weapon, sexual abuse, or even murder.
Phase III: The honeymoon
In this phase of the cycle, the batter makes many apologies and promises that will never happen again. There may be a honeymoon-like euphoria while the couple "makes up" with presents, flowers, romantic dinners out. The victim begins to hope that the batterer is genuinely remorseful, and chooses to believe that the violence will not happen again.
This phase slowly dissolves into the tension building phase, and the cycle repeats itself.
The duration of each phase varies, and will change over time. The Honeymoon Phases will become shorter, as the abuser begins to threaten even worse harm if the victim dares to leave. The Tension Building Phase quickly absorbs honeymoon time and often completely replaces it. As the abuse becomes more frequent and severe the couple moves through the cycle more quickly. Most abusive relationships begin with verbal abuse, and then move into violence, which escalates and becomes more deadly the longer the couple is together.
Many victims of abuse hang on to the belief that "the real person" will someday return for good. But they do not realize that the abuser is "the real person."
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