kj21

I am very worried for my exah. He has had a very rocky last 6 months. He is on anti-depressants and anti anxiety pills right now. He has panic attacks, he gets paranoid. We were together for 11 years and i have never seem him so out of control of himself. When we started to break up 6 months ago due to his many failed attempts to stop binge drinking and drugs abuse, he was diagnosed with depression for the first time. I know I can't go through this with him right now, but a part of me thinks he could really use some support because it is not all about his drug or drinking problem now it is about his mental health. Does that change the enabling vs. helping? He has been clean for 4 months (he says, I am not so sure about the drinking part). He doesn't have much family to help him. am confused if I should "let him fall" like I did with his addictions or try to be a friend and be there for him?
Any ideas or opinions would be very appreciated!! thanks.

Miss Pink

If he is drinking, he is using. Period. There is not recovery if still using ANY kind of mind altering substance.

That being said, it sounds clearly that it is his addiction causing HIS misery. Let go, let god. You just aint got any power to fix him, and yes, enabling kills alcoholics. They ONLY way you can help it...is to let him walk his own path til he finds he doesnt like that path and wants to cross over to another one.

Pray for him....and pray for yourself to be relieved of wanting to save him.

Kindeyes

Oh my......if he is drinking.....and taking antidepressants.....and taking anti-anxiety meds......it's no wonder that he's a mess right now. That's a bad combination all the way around. (Antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds are labeled specifically that alcohol should be avoided.)

You've done what you needed to do for you. That's great. Do you really want to get pulled back into the war zone again? I'm sure that he would love it if you did. It would take the monkey off his back and land it square on yours. What a relief that would be for him!

It is very possible that the mental health issues all stem from addiction. As you already know....you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Your ex is a grown man and as such, should be able to take care of himself.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs

laurie6781

Great advice already.

I will only add, REMEMBER the 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

Also, check your OWN MOTIVES, do some writing, what are those motives,................hopes that this time he will change? Hope that folks will look at you as a kinder person than you already are? Hope to make yourself feel good? Trying to help him? (You can't). etc

I believe that if you are honest in your writings you will have your own answer.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

really_fed_up

Let him fall, and let him pick up his own pieces. You cannot control his behavior and any help you give him while he is still drinking is enabling, IMO.

As for the anti-depressants...I take anti-anxiety meds for an anxiety disorder, and each type works differently for different people. He might be taking a certain kind that doesn't agree with his brain chemistry, which could certainly cause paranoia. But again, that is for him to sort out. He will continue to do what he is doing to himself until HE gets the courage and gumption to change.

Until then take care of yourself.

Hugs

Miss Pink

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
all the kings horses
and all the kings men,
couldnt put Humpty together again.....

Only Humpty can put himself together......

kj21

Thank you so much for your responses! It is exactly what I needed to hear. Laurie, you are dead on...I do want him to change in time and maybe thought that if the problem was mental health just not addiction it could happen...Maybe also to make myself feel good for helping him, take some of the guilt away for leaving him to deal on his own when he so clearly needs some kind of help, but it is professional help he needs, not enabling. I left a message today for a councilor through my work to call me and set up an appointment. I think I am going to need some more help dealing with this. THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!

Barbara52

Unfortunately, even with mental health issues such as depression, if he chooses not to deal with it, there is nothing that can be done unless he is a danger to himself or others. And then its only temporary help until he is out of a crisis.