FearlesslyHappy

Ok, giving this serious consideration.

Here are my concerns:

- Privacy: will my insurance, doctors and the police have access to the fact that I am using methadone if I pay for it out of pocket?

- Is it cheaper than my illegal use (I need to pay rent and can't afford buying stuff of the streets - street drugs are no longer a viable option for me, EVER AGAIN)

- Is it worth it???? Can I travel while doing this program? Do I have to stay in town everyday in order to get my dose???

I'm scared. SOOOO scared. I've been doing okay. Not completely clean, but much less addicted than before. Terrifed though, which is CRAP! I have so much to look forward to everyday! I hate myself and this addiction and I want to get RID of it!!

I work so much - TOO much, really. My hours and the kind of work I do are fairly demanding. I can't detox - I have to WORK. Working and detoxing SUCK (I've tried, only to break down at lunch and go buy more drugs so I can just FUNCTION with A SMILE on my face and not SUCK so much!!!).

I realize it is legal drug dependence, BUT

When I'm detoxing I'm:

- depressed

- angry

- fatigued/sleepy/yawning all the time

- SLOOOOOOOOW (thinking, moving, etc)

- confused easily

- distractible

- unable to concentrate or focus

I CAN'T be these things at work.

So, my question is ... do I do the methadone program for awhile???

IS IT WORTH IT?????

Thanks in advance to anyone who responds or who even bothered to read my stuff,

*FH*

FearlesslyHappy

I just wanted to add that I want to do the right thing: I want to move out of my freaking parents' house, I want to pay all my bills, I want to be stable and ON MY OWN, and I can DO this if I JUST QUIT DRUGS. I make enough money, but ALL OF MY MONEY goes to drugs!!! I am so ashamed to admit it, it's disgusting, I know, it disgusts me to death.

I heard it's $12 a day. That means I could pay for my methadone, cash up front, each month ... pay for my RENT, pay all my BILLS, and still have a couple of hundred for entertainment and shopiing: groceries, movies and the like.

I ALREADY don't drink a drop, so I wouldn't be spending a DIME on alcohol!! I could quit smoking, too .... I've already pretty much quit ....

it's the opiates I can't kick. Or, at least, permanently and succesffully.

FearlesslyHappy

Hey, K,

Thanks for responding!! I don't think that was me ... I'm not on methadone, never have been, maybe should have been. This is the first time Ive posted about it.

i'm scared because i don't want to tell my physician about it. furthermore, i don't want my insurance company to know!! call me paranoid. but i feel like i would get on some "list" of addicts or something if I went to one of these clinics. I'm sure my reputation as a long-term addict is ALREADY shoddy enough as it is - I don't need the government and the medical community up in my business, too!!!

i just sat down, made a budget, and realized i could live life "like a big kid" if i could stay on methadone for awhile .... i'm spending $1500 a month on street drugs. which is OUTRAGEOUS. I'm not a rich person!!! i can't afford it!!

i hate drugs. hate them. hate them. hate them. furthermore, i hate the depressive brain chemistry that i have that lead me to use opiates in the first place. i've used other drugs, but never had a problem with them. why? because it's only opiates that really "fix me." fix my brain problems, i mean. i'm not depressed when i'm high! and i do a really good job at work!! i was on oxycontin the whole time i was in college and i graduated with honors!!

grrrrrrrrrrr!!

thanks again!!

*FH*

ksos

Hi Fearlessly~~~

I am so sorry that I wrote the "mistake post" on your thread and have asked the administrator of the forum to remove my response as it makes no sense to you, me, or anyone, so please know that I did make these steps to get this taken off!

ksos

*FH*

Hopefully, by the time I am done with this post response, my inaccurate one will be removed! :sorry

I am struggling to come up with a cogent thought regarding your actual post, which, in a way, makes complete fiscal sense. In fact, it makes perfect fiscal sense, for spending $1500.00 a month on something other than street dope will not eventually bankrupt you, or kill you if you happen to get some "bad" s--t that has something else in it. But, you need something other than methodone, which I will express to you as my opinion, later on.

I am on methodone for chronic panreatitis and am tapering off of it. It is medically supervised, I am tested now once a month for illicits for my tox screen came back positive for other opiates and benzadiazipines, which angered my Pdoc so much that I nearly was administratively terminated from his pain management practice.

I would hate to recommend my treatment to anyone, and as I am not a physician, I won't. I will say that, despite being as high as 150 MGs per day on Methodone as well as being treated for panic disorder with as high a dose as 20 MGs per day, as an addict, I still wanted to use other drugs. Again, this is just me. Many other methodone users use it as directed for pain conditions and as treatment for illegal and dangerous opiate withdrawal.

I know and understand the "common sense" approach you present. However, I look at these words and think that you are treading on dangerous grounds:

i've used other drugs, but never had a problem with them. why? because it's only opiates that really "fix me." fix my brain problems, i mean. i'm not depressed when i'm high! and i do a really good job at work!! i was on oxycontin the whole time i was in college and i graduated with honors!!

I know I snipped out the part that started off as "I hate the drugs..." and you are angry about what has happened to you by using them.

However, if you can spend that amount of $1500.00 on using illicit chemicals that alter your mind, why not consider getting off of ALL drugs by entering a treatment facility?

If you are going to tell me that you have a job which prohibits this, I can tell you that I have had jobs, too. Excellent ones, ones which allowed me to live in expensive houses, with my family, I was able to drive my luxury cars to work every day, I was a provider to my daughter and my wife and we lived in homes which had beautiful gardens-- where my 2 purebred dogs used to enjoy, as well as my beautiful child learning how to garden. I also was highly regarded and revered in my profession.

All of what I just told you, went away because of opiates. I am now divorced after 17 years and the divorce was primarily based on my refusal to stop using opiates. I had also lost contact with my daughter because her mother did not want her around me anymore and told her that I "was a bad daddy who drove his car like a madman and was addicted to heroin." I have not seen or heard from my child in over 3 years, based on her own legally binding reason which was that "My daddy uses drugs."

I now owe over $120,000 to my family since my opiate addiction and this includes methodone, because I was too high to even report to my job.

Yet, I was lucky about three things. First, my family is now paying for me to remain in my condominium, one which I purchased with the proceeds of the assets received in the divorce. Secondly, I must get off of all drugs very soon because I will ultimately use uo the rest of the equity I still have in this residence. I am truly blessed. Third, and perhaps most important, I have NA in my life and a sponsor who kicks my a$$ whenever I get thoughts of using, manipulating, and escaping.

I have lost an immense amount of people, things, and myself. Others may not have lost as much, but others have lsot much, much more than I have.

FH. Do yourself a favor and think about what can really happen, for Methodone is not a cure-all for you, in my opinion. You need to consider what I said earlier in this note. Your addiction is a disease and it is is out of control. Another opiate will not stop the process, in my humble opinion.

Your life is on the line, and you need not worry about what "others" will think about you, or about the other "barriers" to sobriety you have put into place. Stop the insanity, before you end up destroyed, and I mean that in every sense of the word.

marle

Stop worrying about what will happen with your insurance. You need rehab and most likely long term rehab. My daughter started with oxy too and now she uses heroin because it is cheaper. She WAS beautiful, intelligent and caring. She is none of those things now. She was in college, had a job, an apartment, nice clothes, paid her bills. Now she has thousands of dollars in collections, has long ago lost her job, her college, her apartment. She had a little dog that she loved. I have him now because she could not give him the basic necessities of food and proper vet care. My daugher is 21 and lives with her crack addicted boyfriend who is 38. They spend 23 hours everyday looking for money for drugs, finding someone who is holding and then getting high. She has no relationship with me or with her dad. We used to be close. The boyfriend supplies all her drugs and they live with his mother in a one bedroom apartment. There are 6 people living there. His mother, my daughter, the abf, his sister and 2 young children. You may think that you are still okay, but I think that is only true because your parents are willing to enable you to live in their house and do drugs. They are the ones that are helping you to look normal. I hope you consider getting help because opiates are h*ll. Hugs, Marle

marle

I forgot to add that my daughter told me the same about opiates. They made her feel as if she could do anything, gave her energy and confidence and she too got all A's while high on oxy. She had an eating disorder which I think led her to self-medicate. Her bulimia depleted her serotonin levels and made it that much easier for the oxy to grab her. Whatever control she had with her drugs did not last. Hugs, Marle

serenityqueen

((((Fearlesslyhappy))))

This is the beauty of SR, different opinions and experiences that someone can ponder when trying to find a solution to their own problems.

I have been in MMT the entire time I have been in Recovery, 2 years and 8 months. I can honestly say that even though it is a pain in the butt to have to go to the Clinic day in and day out, it's not nearly as bad as it was when I was using. Not even close!

Going into MMT was a last ditch effort at saving my life. That's not an understatement at all. I had used for a total of 32 of my 43 years of life. If you would call it a life, what I was living before I got into Recovery.

No, I wasn't a bum who never worked, never had any responsibilities or slept under a bridge. I blew through job after job because I was unable to keep one. I had been married and divorced twice due to the fact that I was more intimately involved with my drugs and quest for drugs than I was my husband. I have a beautiful son who is now 19 that I brought into this world addicted to pain meds, who I coached his little league teams, was on the Board of Directors for the soccer league and was always the room mother at school. But none of this happened until I was able to have enough pills in me to kill a horse. By my outward appearance, to those who didn't know me well, I was SuperMom. To those who knew me, I was a desperate, pitiful addict.

After my second divorce, my Son saw the downward spiral I was on spinning faster and faster out of control. At age 11, he could no longer stand watching his Mom's obsession with getting pills to the point where nothing was taken care of until I got handfulls. I didn't cook for him, I didn't even want this beautiful boy anywhere near me until I was "well." He moved in with his Dad and his new Family.

I had been in and out of prison twice before my Son was nine years old. I had doctor hopped to the point that the government already knew about my addiction. The State Pharmacy Board was watching me so closely I wouldn't be suprised if they knew when I bought cough drops.

When I went into around my 10th detox in about 3 years in July of 2005, the Dr. told me that this was the very last time he was admitting me. I had burnt my bridges by then at every hospital and treatment center in the southern part of Ohio. I couldn't get a prescription filled because every single pharmacy had my picture and a warning from the DEA. My Family had written me off, my Son found every excuse to not have to come and see me. The amount of pills I had to take each day just to be able to get out of the house to find more pills was astonishing. I should have died long ago. But to be perfectly honest, I wasn't done. I just wanted to learn how to use without the consequences of my addiction. But what was left for me? Death. That's about the only thing I had left. I'd lost everything else.

I had what I call a Spiritual Awakening the night before this particular Dr. finally agreed to admit me, one last time, into detox. I think he saw that now, I was finally ready. This is when he told me about MMT. I asked him why he hadn't told me about this years earlier. He said he knew I wasn't ready and didn't want me to burn this bridge. The last bridge that was on literally left on this side of life. The only thing that was left was dying.

Being in MMT has been truly a living saving triumph for me. On Tuesday, the 25th of March, I will celebrate two years and eight months in Recovery. For me, I don't care if someone says I'm still using. I know I'm not. I am, for the first time in my life a responsible person who is a productive member of society. My Family is no longer ashamed and embarressed by me. My son chose to move back in with me the day after he graduated from high school back in June of 07. My Mom has seen the miraculous transformation from the point of where I would steal her pills and money to where now I go to the Pharmacy for her and handle her finances since she has been in declining health. I love who I am today. I hold my head up high when I go to the Clinic for my dose. I have started a take home precedence at the Clinic I go to. I was the second person there to earn take home privlidges and now about 15 others are on the take home program as well. I held down a great job for most of my Recovery but currently, due to other medical conditions of my own and my Mom's declining health, I am taking some time off work.But I can do this. I have actually saved some money up and can stick to a budget. Other Family members who avoided me now compliment me for the way I handle the many situations that life has thrown at me since I have been in Recovery. Most of all, I love who I am today.

Now Methadone Maintenance is not the only reason I am in Recovery today. Not by a long shot. I work a very solid Program. I attend at least 4 or 5 meetings a week, even now, I work with my Sponsor, I sponsor 2 women myself now. I have a close and trusting relationship for the first time in my life with my Higher Power, who I call God. I know that He never left me all of those years, I left Him. He carried me through the times I should have died.

This is my story of how MMT made a difference in my life. I'm not going to apologize for such a long post. This isn't a decision you want to make at the spur of the moment and I think it's great that you are exploring your options.

God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy

FearlesslyHappy

K,

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. I was (and still am) freaking out, if you couldn't tell!! HAHAHA Your post was very thorough and awesome, and I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry that you had to go through so many rough times. You sound like a very intelligent, very accomplished person. I appreciate you sharing your story with me. I'm still considering methadone maintenace, although just thinking about quitting drugs has helped me immensely. I'm already using less than before and enjoying some sober activities a lot more (listening to music, making music, newspapers!!! weird stuff like that that I would have NEVER enjoyed before!!!).

So, I feel like I'm making some progress towards serenity.

I don't know that I won't check out the methadone/suboxene option. I am an addict. I know I suck. I'm not in denial about this. At this point, I just really need to be able to go to work. If I lose my job because I'm lazy and b*tchy, then I'll really have a reason to use!!!

Choices, choices ....

Thank you again for sharing your story of strength!!!

Hugs,

*FH*

FearlesslyHappy

Thank you so much, marle. You're story rang bells with me. When I was 21, I, too, dated a total loser who sold drugs and we did heroin together. I did go to rehab ... I stayed off opiates for several years, before going back to them again with the next boyfriend I had (I know how to pick 'em!!). I didn't know that this next boyfriend was a drug user as he hid his drug use from me for several months. When I found out, I was angry - particularly because he knew of my history with the drug and that I was trying to stay away from it forever. Then, I began using it with him ... naturally. I am an addict.

Quit again for some time ... used off and on ... but the reason I say I am an addict of 10 years is because even though I have not been high all those ten years, I WOULD HAVE BEEN high had I been able to procure the drugs! I just couldn't get them at the time.

Now, I've fallen into a downward spiral financially because of the drugs. I'm not in debt, my record is squeaky-clean, my credit is fantastic - I've lived on my own independently for years at a time and adjusted my using to my income. I'm a roller coaster addict.

Still, I have no doubt that I am an addict and always will be.

Now, I want to move out into an apartment in this city, so it's time to do something AGAIN about my using so I can do so. I want to have my own place and pay all of my own bills - which I can totally do, as I'm making enough money to do it.

But if I'm crabby and obnoxious at work, I will not be able to pay for all of my own things because I will lose my job!!

It's a catch-22. Hence, the reason I am considering methadone. It's a way to stablize my job and cut the costs of my using. May sound calculating and cold, but hey, so is the real world!!!

Long-term rehab would be fantastic, but it is not a feasible option for me at this time. I wish I could go, though!! Detoxing would be simple if I didn't work 75 hours a week, 7 days a week!! I have a career, and careers take over your life every bit as much as drugs do. I am a workaholic drug addict! I work to get high, and I get high to work. It is a cycle for me, and has been for the last five years.

Thank you so much, again, and I hope that your daughter come out of this terrible spell very very soon,

HUGS,

*FH*

bval

I don't have a lot of time to go into this right now, but I did wanna interject something here:

This is not to denigrate anyone else's decision's or be a know-it-all, but I've been right where you are right now, faced the same decisions for the same reasons.

I chose buprenorphine over methadone, and I *HIGHLY* recommend *trying* this option to anyone who's not already on methadone. It's easier to wean down and get off of, and you feel much more normal on it. It also blocks the effects of 'other' narcotics, which methadone does NOT do. You also don't have to go to a clinic everyday to get it, it's a take-home script you get from a regular doctor. It costs a bit more, but trust me it's worth every penny.

I would seriously look into it before I went on methadone. Methadone is pretty hardcore, best kept to a 'fallback' option, as in, when *nothing* else works, you go on methadone. There is not one single thing about being on methadone that's 'better' than being on bupe, aside from the fact that you can still get high on opiates while you're on it. If you call that an improvement ...

Good luck in any case Keep posting!

FearlesslyHappy

Wowzer!! Yeah, I'll try that. I hadn't even heard of it before. I'm looking into suboxenes, too.

I'm going to the clinic (they have a bunch of different options) on Tuesday morning at 7:30 to talk about what's best. I'll be sick as a dog, but I'm used to pretending to be graceful under pressure.

Does anyone know how long walk-in appointments last in the mornings???? I have to be at work at 9 and I'm so scared I'll be late!!! My bosses might kill me!!!

***stressed***

FearlesslyHappy

Thanks, Trace. I do recognize that drugs are a problem for me, but I also recognize that NOT having them is a major problem, too. I went back and read through over twenty diaries earlier today that were filled with suicidal, hateful rants from my sober days.

Yikes!!!!

I may on drugs now, but at least I don't think that way anymore!! HAHA

Too sad .... I just can't win. My brain sucks.

FearlesslyHappy

P.S. I have no memory of writing those diary entries AT ALL.

I think I'm crazy.

FearlesslyHappy

Judy,

Thank you for your beautiful post. You have a fantastic way with words!!

I'm kind of overwhelmed by (and grateful for) the response I got, so I'm sorry that I'm just now getting back to you.

I relate to your post in so many ways, because I have been able to keep up my addiction in a very similar fashion for years, and the only repercussions have been family-oriented. I'm sure I've been kind of a shoddy friend at times, too, no doubt - but overall, it's only those closest to me who are affected by my addiction. My co-workers think I'm pretty fantastic because the combination of my workaholism AND the energy I get from the pills takes a lot of the workload off of them!! HAHA Sounds cynical, maybe, but I feel pretty wisened to the ways of the world. HAHA

The main reason I want methadone/suboxene/something for the short-term is so I can work and be financially independent.

The main reason I want to quit EVERYTHING (alcohol has already been eradicated from my life, but I want to keep it this way) is because of my health and the stress it puts on the people I love. My sober days are pretty terrible. I've had some good ones, and it is mindset that plays into it a lot, I think. My job's getting more and more stressful, though, and I have a ton of responsibility. The combination of work stress + getting sober is really freaking me out. I wish I could be like those celebrities that take a vacation from life for a few months, but that's not an option for me. I have to keep working, and keep working HARD. Getting sober on top of it is h*ll. I know - I've tried a million times. I keep getting more and more responsibility at work, which is flattering, but which also freaks me out insofar as getting sober seems to be getting farther and farther away. So does getting out on my own and being a "real person." Which is why I related so much to your post - your story of becoming that "real person" that I so much want to be is very uplifting to me. Maybe methadone isn't the answer, and another drug would be more suitable, but it gives me SO MUCH HOPE.

Thanks again for your lovely words, and I'm happy to hear that you are doing so well!!

Warm Regards,

*FH*

bval

Buprenorphine is the active ingredient of Suboxone/Subutex...

Don't start on methadone without giving it a whirl, no matter what the clinic says to you is 'best'.

It does take 1-2 days to stabilize and feel 'normal' on it, but trust me it's worth the short period of mild suffering. Once that's over, on a daily basis you are going to feel almost exactly like you did before you ever got messed up on drugs. It will be much like your addiction never happened, as long as you stick to *only* taking the subs. You should have no problem working and living a normal life for however long it takes until you are ready to get totally clean. The stuff is like a friggin miracle, I'm not s*itting you.

ksos

*FH*

I shared my life with you because I care. I have read so many of Judy's (SerenityQueen) posts, since she epitomizes the success that Methodone, when used as prescribed and for the right reasons, can have on the quality of one's life.

However, I do believe that Judy has intractable pain conditions which have responded wonderfully to methodone as a pain management intervention. Judy, if I am wrong, please correct me, but I think we just discussed this yesterday or a couple of days ago, how methodone saved your life. My opinion considers that Judy's pain condition merits methodone treatment. In fact, when I began my own pain management treatment for pancreatitis in 2004, I used the medicine as prescribed, complied with all of the medical directives given to me by my Pain Doc, and worked full-time. However, my prior propensity toward addiction which had been dormant for some time, was activated. I started using other classes of drugs, for methodone also blocks the transmission of other opiates to the receptors in the brain, hence its success as a treatment for Heroin detoxification. I began getting clonazapam, as well as phenobarbitol, so I could maximize the euphoria that all three drugs could provide. Basically, I used my very real pain condition, simply to start going to "jump street", FH. That is my fear with your status as compared to Judy, who has a program in her life, solid supports like SR, and is using her medicine responsibly. I wish I could control myself, for my pain is very, very real and I need pain medication like Judy and other people who are "true" pain patients. The pain relief that I did obtain from methodone allowed me to work and be productive. But, I ended up screwing up my program by adding medications to the medically supervised treatment that I was receiving. I just think that Judy is using her meds in the right manner. I cannot, for some reason, and I suspect that you may not be able to, either.

*FH*. I am only offering my opinion and if you did use methodone and it prevents you from using other illicit medications, than I would be very happy for you. For me, I need to be completely free of all medications, for despite my very real pain, I am an out of conrtrol drug addict who sabatages everything in his life to just get high.

I respect your honesty and truly relate to your current life situation, for I was there. That scares me, too.

The fact that I relate to your current life situation regarding your addiction is all the evidence I need to suggest an alternative method of ending your disease.

For me, I am going inpatient to get off all of my pills. I am so sick of being a slave to drugs and needing to lie, steal, and manipulate all of the people in my life, simply to feel "normal".

Keep posting, and let us know how you are doing. I promise that my lectures on this are done. You know what I am talking about!

ccgirl2

Sweetie, as a mom, let me say, go inpatient. I know you're worried about your job. You should be worried about your life. If you don't stop using, you won't have any job or quite possible your life.

I left two young children at home to go inpatient. Best thing I ever did.

Noah

Methadone was definitely a life-saver for me. I tried the suboxone and I just could not handle the speedy, sick feeling and the headache that would never go away. I have been on it a year now and I go to the clinic 3 times a week and see a councilor twice a month or more if I need to. It's just been great for me. I cannot say enough good things about it and how it has totally turned my life around. I hardly even think of H anymore and that in itself is just amazing! Best of luck to you and I hope things work out for you.


Noah

exjunky

Methadone maintenance will

- make you a slave to some clinic
- make it very difficult (but not impossible) for you to travel freely
- give you a habit worse than whatever you were addicted to before

If you use methadone for anything, use it for detox. Don't become a "lifer" as they say at the clinics.

Just my opinion.