Kinda bitter, kinda ashamed
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Kinda bitter, kinda ashamed
I've been trying to work my feelings about this out on my own, but I think I need to share them.
I was getting ready to do laundry the other day and was emptying out the pockets of RAH's jeans. I found his AA coins. Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of him and the progress he's made (almost 90 days sober). However I started to think about it some more and wondered 2 things. 1) IMO not drinking to the point where you're driving drunk or berating your wife, or pushing her, or yelling at her shouldn't be cause for a pat on the back, it should just be. No one gives me a pat on the back for not doing it. Yes I realize that it's an addiction etc, I'm just feeling kinda bitter
2) Where's my tokens for cleaning up the broken items when he's thrown them when he was drinking? Or picking him up from his friends place because he couldn't control his drinking and was annoying his friends? Or for diffusing situations so they wouldn't get out of control? Or for doing the right thing and calling the cops on him when he shoved me?
I'm so sick of hearing everyone say how great RAH is doing and how proud they are of him...what about me? What about all the hell I've been through and got through? What about when I was living on my own for two months cause he couldn't come to the house (no contact order issued by the cops) and I had to take care of the house, the pets, still go to school and work?
Why am I always being told to go easy on him cause he's in recovery. Why don't I ever get a pat on the back?
Why do I feel guilty and ashamed for having these thoughts?
I was getting ready to do laundry the other day and was emptying out the pockets of RAH's jeans. I found his AA coins. Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of him and the progress he's made (almost 90 days sober). However I started to think about it some more and wondered 2 things. 1) IMO not drinking to the point where you're driving drunk or berating your wife, or pushing her, or yelling at her shouldn't be cause for a pat on the back, it should just be. No one gives me a pat on the back for not doing it. Yes I realize that it's an addiction etc, I'm just feeling kinda bitter
2) Where's my tokens for cleaning up the broken items when he's thrown them when he was drinking? Or picking him up from his friends place because he couldn't control his drinking and was annoying his friends? Or for diffusing situations so they wouldn't get out of control? Or for doing the right thing and calling the cops on him when he shoved me?
I'm so sick of hearing everyone say how great RAH is doing and how proud they are of him...what about me? What about all the hell I've been through and got through? What about when I was living on my own for two months cause he couldn't come to the house (no contact order issued by the cops) and I had to take care of the house, the pets, still go to school and work?
Why am I always being told to go easy on him cause he's in recovery. Why don't I ever get a pat on the back?
Why do I feel guilty and ashamed for having these thoughts?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I would imagine it's difficult. I hope you are seeking some face to face and/or one on one support for yourself - Al Anon, therapy, etc.
A long time ago my therapist said "no one appreciates a martyr while they're alive." I think she's right. It could be as simple as he is seen as having overcoming something powerful, whereas you just put up with an alcoholic. I don't mean to minimize what you've done, or continue to do; it's just been my observation over time. Also, he is doing something for him and YOU are doing something for HIM. What are you doing for you?
I suppose if I had stayed with AH and he got sober, my tokens would have been the sobriety, or that was my thinking at the time. I've seen enough posts to understand sobriety does not necessarily bring happiness to the non-drinker.
Take care of you. ((()))
A long time ago my therapist said "no one appreciates a martyr while they're alive." I think she's right. It could be as simple as he is seen as having overcoming something powerful, whereas you just put up with an alcoholic. I don't mean to minimize what you've done, or continue to do; it's just been my observation over time. Also, he is doing something for him and YOU are doing something for HIM. What are you doing for you?
I suppose if I had stayed with AH and he got sober, my tokens would have been the sobriety, or that was my thinking at the time. I've seen enough posts to understand sobriety does not necessarily bring happiness to the non-drinker.
Take care of you. ((()))
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Trying - Something else popped out at me from your post. . . that YOU were emptying his pockets and the HE left his coins there. Isn't he proud of his accomplishment -- doesn't he treasure those coins enough to make sure they don't go through the washer, that the don't become lost or damaged?
I can relate to a lot of your feelings. My AH didn't find recovery, and he will soon be my XAH . . . but a lot of the feelings are still very raw. I feel scorned and condemned by many of our friends/family because I chose to leave. They worry about my poor AH will get along now that I am not there . . . they lavish him with phone calls and offers of assistance (new enablers??). It's OK -- he only drank his life away and took advantage and squandered every opportunity given to him. Yet, I worked hard for years to keep it all together and make sure he and the kids had the best life possible. Somehow I am the bad guy because I woke up and realized that I couldn't take it anymore.
I can relate to a lot of your feelings. My AH didn't find recovery, and he will soon be my XAH . . . but a lot of the feelings are still very raw. I feel scorned and condemned by many of our friends/family because I chose to leave. They worry about my poor AH will get along now that I am not there . . . they lavish him with phone calls and offers of assistance (new enablers??). It's OK -- he only drank his life away and took advantage and squandered every opportunity given to him. Yet, I worked hard for years to keep it all together and make sure he and the kids had the best life possible. Somehow I am the bad guy because I woke up and realized that I couldn't take it anymore.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Originally Posted by denny57 
I would imagine it's difficult. I hope you are seeking some face to face and/or one on one support for yourself - Al Anon, therapy, etc.
A long time ago my therapist said "no one appreciates a martyr while they're alive." I think she's right. It could be as simple as he is seen as having overcoming something powerful, whereas you just put up with an alcoholic. I don't mean to minimize what you've done, or continue to do; it's just been my observation over time. Also, he is doing something for him and YOU are doing something for HIM. What are you doing for you?
I suppose if I had stayed with AH and he got sober, my tokens would have been the sobriety, or that was my thinking at the time. I've seen enough posts to understand sobriety does not necessarily bring happiness to the non-drinker.
Take care of you. ((()))
A long time ago my therapist said "no one appreciates a martyr while they're alive." I think she's right. It could be as simple as he is seen as having overcoming something powerful, whereas you just put up with an alcoholic. I don't mean to minimize what you've done, or continue to do; it's just been my observation over time. Also, he is doing something for him and YOU are doing something for HIM. What are you doing for you?
I suppose if I had stayed with AH and he got sober, my tokens would have been the sobriety, or that was my thinking at the time. I've seen enough posts to understand sobriety does not necessarily bring happiness to the non-drinker.
Take care of you. ((()))
You're right about the sobriety not bringing me the happiness I thought it would. I just have a hard time understanding why. I've found a lot of resources out there for the family of active alcoholics, but not so much for the family of recovering alcoholics.
I keep thinking that his sobriety *should* be enough for me, but it's not.
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Posts: 186
Originally Posted by nowinsituation
Trying - Something else popped out at me from your post. . . that YOU were emptying his pockets and the HE left his coins there. Isn't he proud of his accomplishment -- doesn't he treasure those coins enough to make sure they don't go through the washer, that the don't become lost or damaged?
I can relate to a lot of your feelings. My AH didn't find recovery, and he will soon be my XAH . . . but a lot of the feelings are still very raw. I feel scorned and condemned by many of our friends/family because I chose to leave. They worry about my poor AH will get along now that I am not there . . . they lavish him with phone calls and offers of assistance (new enablers??). It's OK -- he only drank his life away and took advantage and squandered every opportunity given to him. Yet, I worked hard for years to keep it all together and make sure he and the kids had the best life possible. Somehow I am the bad guy because I woke up and realized that I couldn't take it anymore.
I can relate to a lot of your feelings. My AH didn't find recovery, and he will soon be my XAH . . . but a lot of the feelings are still very raw. I feel scorned and condemned by many of our friends/family because I chose to leave. They worry about my poor AH will get along now that I am not there . . . they lavish him with phone calls and offers of assistance (new enablers??). It's OK -- he only drank his life away and took advantage and squandered every opportunity given to him. Yet, I worked hard for years to keep it all together and make sure he and the kids had the best life possible. Somehow I am the bad guy because I woke up and realized that I couldn't take it anymore.
M family has been great in the sense that they agree that calling the cops on him was the right thing to do and initially refused to talk to him. I explained to my parents that he needed support to get through the first part of his sobriety because I couldn't be there. However I didn't think that would mean he gets all the support and I get nothing. It seems like because he's sober they feel like I'm suddenly living the easy life, I should be grateful, I shouldn't be having all these feelings.
It's almost like dealing with his drinking was easier on me, then dealing with his sobriety. At least then I knew what to expect.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
It sounds like its been a long cold winter up there in TB.
Ya know right now he needs th strokes that hes gettin
to stay straight.
How ever YOU certainly need to get some strokes too
Don't be afraid to seek the amends that he owes you,
and if he can't remember, remind him,
try to accept them gratiously and drop them.
help him WORK his program!!
Feel free to treat your self to what ever you deserve
and can afford. And hang in their, the new path your on
is a little rough at first, but it will get smoother and wider as time goes by.
Good luck & God bless
Ya know right now he needs th strokes that hes gettin
to stay straight.
How ever YOU certainly need to get some strokes too
Don't be afraid to seek the amends that he owes you,
and if he can't remember, remind him,
try to accept them gratiously and drop them.
help him WORK his program!!
Feel free to treat your self to what ever you deserve
and can afford. And hang in their, the new path your on
is a little rough at first, but it will get smoother and wider as time goes by.
Good luck & God bless
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Your self pity is gonna destroy ya if you dont get help.
He recovers in AA.
Do you recover in alanon?
Self pity and resentment is a huge character defect that destroys us if we do not recover from how alcoholism has affected us.
Be grateful he is sober. There are many of us here who would give anything to have what you have.
He recovers in AA.
Do you recover in alanon?
Self pity and resentment is a huge character defect that destroys us if we do not recover from how alcoholism has affected us.
Be grateful he is sober. There are many of us here who would give anything to have what you have.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Miss Pink did have some valid observations and questions, even if the form was a bit abrupt......sometimes the truth can feel like a slap in the face, even if it's not meant that way.....
One good observation/question I saw was.....: "...He recovers in AA. Do you recover in alanon?..."
Do you have a program and/or support for you....just as alcoholism/addiction affects the whole FAMILY, so recovery is a FAMILY AFFAIR.
I noticed one of your questions was...: "...Where's my tokens for cleaning up the broken items when he's thrown them when he was drinking? Or picking him up from his friends place because he couldn't control his drinking and was annoying his friends? Or for diffusing situations so they wouldn't get out of control? Or for doing the right thing and calling the cops on him when he shoved me?..."
I think if you go to alanon you may find that (now, don't get mad and stop reading; read all the way through this) you don't deserve tokens for DOING those things.....BUT when you STOP DOING those things.....now that'll be the time when you deserve tokens, and I'll be the first person to pat you on the back.....k? (o:
Just think of it this way, kinda like Miss Pink said,.....he recovers using AA; you need something to recovery from your past life of being his ..... whatever you want to call it.....you can be, and are sooooo much more.... (o:
Here's wishing you BOTH the best in BOTH your recoveries..... (o:
NoelleR
One good observation/question I saw was.....: "...He recovers in AA. Do you recover in alanon?..."
Do you have a program and/or support for you....just as alcoholism/addiction affects the whole FAMILY, so recovery is a FAMILY AFFAIR.
I noticed one of your questions was...: "...Where's my tokens for cleaning up the broken items when he's thrown them when he was drinking? Or picking him up from his friends place because he couldn't control his drinking and was annoying his friends? Or for diffusing situations so they wouldn't get out of control? Or for doing the right thing and calling the cops on him when he shoved me?..."
I think if you go to alanon you may find that (now, don't get mad and stop reading; read all the way through this) you don't deserve tokens for DOING those things.....BUT when you STOP DOING those things.....now that'll be the time when you deserve tokens, and I'll be the first person to pat you on the back.....k? (o:
Just think of it this way, kinda like Miss Pink said,.....he recovers using AA; you need something to recovery from your past life of being his ..... whatever you want to call it.....you can be, and are sooooo much more.... (o:
Here's wishing you BOTH the best in BOTH your recoveries..... (o:
NoelleR
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I can really relate to your post, my ABF is 22 days sober and is like a new man, totally different to be around, all the bad stuff has gone and all the good things are still there and I'm extremely grateful that he made the step to clean himself up.
I do feel resentful on occasions, for example he's taken up gardening to give him a hobby and a "time filler" and now wants me to help him with the garden and on one hand I'm happy he's taken an interest in something other than booze but on the other I'm thinking "I don't wanna do the garden, I asked you PLENTY to help me but you never did and now cos you're sober you expect me to help you"...but am trying to work on that...
Him being sober can only enhance both of our lives, so I guess the time to let go of the resentments is now, but it is hard not to live in the past sometimes.
I do feel resentful on occasions, for example he's taken up gardening to give him a hobby and a "time filler" and now wants me to help him with the garden and on one hand I'm happy he's taken an interest in something other than booze but on the other I'm thinking "I don't wanna do the garden, I asked you PLENTY to help me but you never did and now cos you're sober you expect me to help you"...but am trying to work on that...
Him being sober can only enhance both of our lives, so I guess the time to let go of the resentments is now, but it is hard not to live in the past sometimes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by geees poncho
It sounds like its been a long cold winter up there in TB.
Ya know right now he needs th strokes that hes gettin
to stay straight.
How ever YOU certainly need to get some strokes too
Don't be afraid to seek the amends that he owes you,
and if he can't remember, remind him,
try to accept them gratiously and drop them.
help him WORK his program!!
Feel free to treat your self to what ever you deserve
and can afford. And hang in their, the new path your on
is a little rough at first, but it will get smoother and wider as time goes by.
Good luck & God bless
Ya know right now he needs th strokes that hes gettin
to stay straight.
How ever YOU certainly need to get some strokes too
Don't be afraid to seek the amends that he owes you,
and if he can't remember, remind him,
try to accept them gratiously and drop them.
help him WORK his program!!
Feel free to treat your self to what ever you deserve
and can afford. And hang in their, the new path your on
is a little rough at first, but it will get smoother and wider as time goes by.
Good luck & God bless
I think that's the hard part - I don't ask for the amends, I felt ok asking for them when he was drinking, but I struggle with it now that he's not. I'm not worried that he's going to drink again, but I feel like he's done something good so I can't criticize anything.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by Miss Pink
Your self pity is gonna destroy ya if you dont get help.
He recovers in AA.
Do you recover in alanon?
Self pity and resentment is a huge character defect that destroys us if we do not recover from how alcoholism has affected us.
Be grateful he is sober. There are many of us here who would give anything to have what you have.
He recovers in AA.
Do you recover in alanon?
Self pity and resentment is a huge character defect that destroys us if we do not recover from how alcoholism has affected us.
Be grateful he is sober. There are many of us here who would give anything to have what you have.
You're right that self pity and resentment could destroy me, but part of me still feels entitled to some.
I've never said I'm not grateful that he's sober, I am and am also very proud of him. I realize that there are a lot of people here who wish thier A would get sober, but that doesn't change how I feel.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by NoelleR
Miss Pink did have some valid observations and questions, even if the form was a bit abrupt......sometimes the truth can feel like a slap in the face, even if it's not meant that way.....
One good observation/question I saw was.....: "...He recovers in AA. Do you recover in alanon?..."
Do you have a program and/or support for you....just as alcoholism/addiction affects the whole FAMILY, so recovery is a FAMILY AFFAIR.
I noticed one of your questions was...: "...Where's my tokens for cleaning up the broken items when he's thrown them when he was drinking? Or picking him up from his friends place because he couldn't control his drinking and was annoying his friends? Or for diffusing situations so they wouldn't get out of control? Or for doing the right thing and calling the cops on him when he shoved me?..."
I think if you go to alanon you may find that (now, don't get mad and stop reading; read all the way through this) you don't deserve tokens for DOING those things.....BUT when you STOP DOING those things.....now that'll be the time when you deserve tokens, and I'll be the first person to pat you on the back.....k? (o:
Just think of it this way, kinda like Miss Pink said,.....he recovers using AA; you need something to recovery from your past life of being his ..... whatever you want to call it.....you can be, and are sooooo much more.... (o:
Here's wishing you BOTH the best in BOTH your recoveries..... (o:
NoelleR
One good observation/question I saw was.....: "...He recovers in AA. Do you recover in alanon?..."
Do you have a program and/or support for you....just as alcoholism/addiction affects the whole FAMILY, so recovery is a FAMILY AFFAIR.
I noticed one of your questions was...: "...Where's my tokens for cleaning up the broken items when he's thrown them when he was drinking? Or picking him up from his friends place because he couldn't control his drinking and was annoying his friends? Or for diffusing situations so they wouldn't get out of control? Or for doing the right thing and calling the cops on him when he shoved me?..."
I think if you go to alanon you may find that (now, don't get mad and stop reading; read all the way through this) you don't deserve tokens for DOING those things.....BUT when you STOP DOING those things.....now that'll be the time when you deserve tokens, and I'll be the first person to pat you on the back.....k? (o:
Just think of it this way, kinda like Miss Pink said,.....he recovers using AA; you need something to recovery from your past life of being his ..... whatever you want to call it.....you can be, and are sooooo much more.... (o:
Here's wishing you BOTH the best in BOTH your recoveries..... (o:
NoelleR
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"I sort of did stop doing those things, but it's becaue they no longer need doing. I am trying to recover, I'm just trying to figure out what I need to recover from..."
You said you tried alanon, but it wasn't a good fit for you.....you might want to give it another try...perhaps they could help you see....:
1) Yes, you did stop those things, but only because they were no longer needed.....you should have stopped sooner;
2) What you need to recover from....? You were addicted to him; especially addicted to him when he was in his addiction; he needed you, and you provided; you were his savior; you should have received a medal.....except what you provided enabled him to go on his merry way staying sick.....the folks in alanon may be able to help you see this.
It's just a suggestion, but some folks in alanon may be able to get you to see your life from a different perspective, and see a way for both you and he to be happy.....worth a shot anyway.....eh?
NoelleR
You said you tried alanon, but it wasn't a good fit for you.....you might want to give it another try...perhaps they could help you see....:
1) Yes, you did stop those things, but only because they were no longer needed.....you should have stopped sooner;
2) What you need to recover from....? You were addicted to him; especially addicted to him when he was in his addiction; he needed you, and you provided; you were his savior; you should have received a medal.....except what you provided enabled him to go on his merry way staying sick.....the folks in alanon may be able to help you see this.
It's just a suggestion, but some folks in alanon may be able to get you to see your life from a different perspective, and see a way for both you and he to be happy.....worth a shot anyway.....eh?
NoelleR
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by tryingtofly
I am trying to recover, I'm just trying to figure out what I need to recover from.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
One of the things that has been stressed in the meetings I have attended at my son's recovery center is this......
When one person is in recovery (the alcoholic) and the other person is not (the codependent), the dynamic of the relationship is changing.......and the person who is not in recovery (the codependent) isn't going to like it. (This can happen the other way around too where the codependent is in recovery and the alcoholic isn't......the same is true......the alcoholic isn't going to like it.)
And yes.....you do need to recover from all of the crap you've put up with living with an alcoholic. Living with an alcoholic is like living in the midst of a battlefield. You've been traumatized. You DO need to recover from that trauma.
Perhaps a better question is "how do I recover from this trauma?". That is where Alanon comes in. The program is designed to help the codependent recover from the trauma of living in chaos. If you didn't like the meetings, there are other ways that you can work on your own recovery.
1. Read. There are so many excellent books about recovering from the trauma that living with an alcoholic brings.
2. Get the Alanon literature and read it.
3. Visit this forum often.....post and read other's posts. There are a bunch of people on SR who have not begun their own recovery and are struggling to understand what it means to "recover". There are also a bunch of folks here who are in various stages of their own recovery and can help you see (if you choose to see) how they have worked on themselves and their own recovery.
4. One of the primary functions of recovery is a shift of focus. Focusing on you instead of the alcoholic (or recovering alcoholic).
5. The reward (coins) that we get in our own recovery is inner peace. And believe me, after living in the middle of a battlefield for X number of years, inner peace...serenity....is a HUGE coin. We give it to ourselves.
gentle hugs
When one person is in recovery (the alcoholic) and the other person is not (the codependent), the dynamic of the relationship is changing.......and the person who is not in recovery (the codependent) isn't going to like it. (This can happen the other way around too where the codependent is in recovery and the alcoholic isn't......the same is true......the alcoholic isn't going to like it.)
And yes.....you do need to recover from all of the crap you've put up with living with an alcoholic. Living with an alcoholic is like living in the midst of a battlefield. You've been traumatized. You DO need to recover from that trauma.
Perhaps a better question is "how do I recover from this trauma?". That is where Alanon comes in. The program is designed to help the codependent recover from the trauma of living in chaos. If you didn't like the meetings, there are other ways that you can work on your own recovery.
1. Read. There are so many excellent books about recovering from the trauma that living with an alcoholic brings.
2. Get the Alanon literature and read it.
3. Visit this forum often.....post and read other's posts. There are a bunch of people on SR who have not begun their own recovery and are struggling to understand what it means to "recover". There are also a bunch of folks here who are in various stages of their own recovery and can help you see (if you choose to see) how they have worked on themselves and their own recovery.
4. One of the primary functions of recovery is a shift of focus. Focusing on you instead of the alcoholic (or recovering alcoholic).
5. The reward (coins) that we get in our own recovery is inner peace. And believe me, after living in the middle of a battlefield for X number of years, inner peace...serenity....is a HUGE coin. We give it to ourselves.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Kindeyes, this is so true. The dynamics of the relationship do change.
This just happened to a friend of mine. She is very codependent and wouldn’t dare seek help for herself in dealing with her husbands drinking.
He finally got sober, was sober for 120 days when he left her. He said his sobriety depended on leaving her along with her issues. He also encouraged her to attend al-anon when he started AA but she wanted no part of it, tried one meeting and said it wasn’t for her. Therapy for her self was something that just wasn’t that important because she found every reason not to go.
He is getting healthy while she remains sick, now she is filled with resentment and bitterness that eats away at her every single day.
She just doesn’t see that she was/is codependent and doesn’t see how that effected his drinking or enabled his drinking for so long. Now her bitterness is showing in the divorce and she is making his life a living hell. But he’s still sober and she is getting sicker by the day.
This just happened to a friend of mine. She is very codependent and wouldn’t dare seek help for herself in dealing with her husbands drinking.
He finally got sober, was sober for 120 days when he left her. He said his sobriety depended on leaving her along with her issues. He also encouraged her to attend al-anon when he started AA but she wanted no part of it, tried one meeting and said it wasn’t for her. Therapy for her self was something that just wasn’t that important because she found every reason not to go.
He is getting healthy while she remains sick, now she is filled with resentment and bitterness that eats away at her every single day.
She just doesn’t see that she was/is codependent and doesn’t see how that effected his drinking or enabled his drinking for so long. Now her bitterness is showing in the divorce and she is making his life a living hell. But he’s still sober and she is getting sicker by the day.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by tryingtofly
I am trying to recover, I'm just trying to figure out what I need to recover from.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by TheMissus
I can really relate to your post, my ABF is 22 days sober and is like a new man, totally different to be around, all the bad stuff has gone and all the good things are still there and I'm extremely grateful that he made the step to clean himself up.
I do feel resentful on occasions, for example he's taken up gardening to give him a hobby and a "time filler" and now wants me to help him with the garden and on one hand I'm happy he's taken an interest in something other than booze but on the other I'm thinking "I don't wanna do the garden, I asked you PLENTY to help me but you never did and now cos you're sober you expect me to help you"...but am trying to work on that...
Him being sober can only enhance both of our lives, so I guess the time to let go of the resentments is now, but it is hard not to live in the past sometimes.
I do feel resentful on occasions, for example he's taken up gardening to give him a hobby and a "time filler" and now wants me to help him with the garden and on one hand I'm happy he's taken an interest in something other than booze but on the other I'm thinking "I don't wanna do the garden, I asked you PLENTY to help me but you never did and now cos you're sober you expect me to help you"...but am trying to work on that...
Him being sober can only enhance both of our lives, so I guess the time to let go of the resentments is now, but it is hard not to live in the past sometimes.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by Barbara52
It take time, just as the recovery of an A takes time. And hard work. Be patient with yourself and keep working on you to get to where you want to be. Perhaps some time with a therapist would be helpful. I found tlaking to a therapist helped me immensely.
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Originally Posted by atalose
She just doesn’t see that she was/is codependent and doesn’t see how that effected his drinking or enabled his drinking for so long. Now her bitterness is showing in the divorce and she is making his life a living hell. But he’s still sober and she is getting sicker by the day.
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