ash4

So, I have never dated anyone who was addicted to any kind of substance. I met my boyfriend at the bar i work at (i'm a waitress). He is in two bands and he approached me and asked me for my number (I told him i didn't date musicians) he was persistant. Long story short we started dating. He was only 3 months sober when we started dating. However, he still smoked weed everyday, a few times a day. He was amazing! It started out long walks through downtown, he'd stop and sing to me in front of everyone... and slow dances in the ocean. To a bath full of roses! I thought he was perfect! But, slowly he stopped all of that (i never expected it to last for ever) and would just get really angry at everything and anything. Sometimes it would scare me because i didn't know what to do for him. It would be simple things, like the food taking a little longer then adverage at a restaurant... He would FLIP. He started getting on the mic when at a show and talking to me, asking me to go to his house... using the audience against me if i said no. I found my responsibilities slipping away. He hated all my friends. would never come to my house, i always had to go to his. He'd make me feel guilty for not going to his shows (which were 5-6 nights a week!)... All my friends and family begged me to break up with him. i just pulled away from him, I knew he was going through a lot... i didn't want to put anymore stress on him. but, even after 8 months it was still the case. he never talked to me about anything of meaning... he would tell me things like "you don't knwo what you want in life". And if i ever called him to vent, or just say hey, i've had a bad day... i could use some encouraging words... before i could say anything else, he was just talking about himself again... about his bad day, and his shows, and whatever else he dreamt up that day. He would tell me i dressed like a ***** if skin was showing... If i told him i didn't want to do something, he'd make me feel guilty. I constantly found myself appologizing to him, for what he did wrong. One day, he came home from an out of town show... I had a weird feeling all day, and when we were "in bed" i asked him to say something nice to me. He just started yelling at me... things like "what you don't think i love you?" "you don't think i say nice things to you?" "If i make you feel bad why are you with me!" "maybe i'm just not good for you"... I mean, the things he said went from caring, to anger, to making me feel like i didn't something really wrong in 30 seconds. He then stood up. I walked into the kitchen, he shortly followed... crying. he hugged me for a while... then said he's always love me. and broke up with me. then left. I was SO worried about him all night. i felt SO guilty for even asking such a silly question... the next day he told me he had cheated on me... blah blah blah... we never lost contact. he told me everyday how much he loved me. he started just showing up at my car when it was time for me to get out of class, and at my apartment with roses, or cd's or food or whatnots... a few weeks later, i took him back. everything is just like that night now... if i say the smallest thing wrong he just gets so crazy on me... i'm constantly feeling down on myself. I love him so much... and sometimes i think he takes advantage of it... BUT

His father is a recovering heroin addict and is now an alcoholic... he is divorced, and treats his current wife the way Randy treats me (of course Randy is not to that extent)... my friends and family are BEGGING me to leave him... but there is just one thing i have to know...

(NOT TRYING TO OFFEND ANYONE, THIS IS A SERIOUS QUESTION)... can an addiction to some sort of substance (even while recovering/after recovery) make you act like that? Is it just that he doesn't know how to handle his emotions? or is his addiction a product of having those impulses? On the outside, Randy is a great guy... none of his friends believed me when i told them how he treats me... is it just me? I'm so confused, but i don't want to leave him if this is all because he's having trouble handling emotions or whatnot... advice? please?

orviske

Ash,

I feel for what you're going through. Is your ABF still drinking? Still using? I understand that you love this man......

BE CAREFUL with YOU!!!

Read your post again. I know that its complicated, but it does not sound like you're happy. You deserve the best.

I hope it all works out for you!

K

ANGELINA243

Get out! Get out now! And yes...the addict still has an addict's mind even while in recovery.....hopefully, it will get better with time (as far as he is concerned). I am a recovering addict--30 days clean/sober>but still go through the ups/downs of early sobriety>happy one minute--sad the next/pissed off the next minute. I know I need to focus on my recovery.....and choose not to be in a personal relationship right now. He sounds like he could be dangerous>and his dad no doubt has been a negative influence in his life. However, there are plenty of people out there who grew up in similar situatitons>yet they did not turn out that way. He sounds controlling and angry...not to mention possessive. Take care of yourself....listen to your family. :codiepolice

NYC_Chick

IT'S NOT YOU!

My recent xabf is also a musician. I used to blame his erratic behavior on his "creative frustration" or say "he's a moody musician." That is, until I found out after 3 years he is an alcoholic.

I can't answer your question because I don't know him or you, but for what it's worth, I don't think you can try to recover from one addiction and still hold on to another. Addiction is addiction. It sounds like he's in denial to me.

What you have to ask yourself, which I learned on this board is whether or not his behavior is acceptable to you. If he was sober and acted like this, would you still stay with him?

I don't think that it's a musician thing. I would date another one. I would just make sure they were sober or free from addiction altogether.

Keep posting!!! This is a great place to figure things out.

really_fed_up

YOU are not the problem here. It is him. HIM. HIM and his issues. Get out while you can; he sounds dangerous and seems to project everything negative on to you. Here's a copy and paste from one of the Classic Reading stickies:

I have posted this in its entirety from heartlessbitches.com I may not agree with some of the points, but gives plenty of food for thought.


The RED FLAG List - Warning signs that He (or She) is BAD NEWS...

Too many women are misled by the romantic myth that men are "diamonds in the rough" and we are supposed to "help" them become better men, often by sacrificing our own needs. We are socialized to believe that if we help them, take care of them, give up our own needs for theirs, they will "take care" of us. BLEAH. Of course, men are just as vulnerable- they often marry women they barely know, feeling that they have to be "mature" and "grown up" and then end up miserable because they're stuck with someone they have nothing in common with. Or they play "rescuer" and take up with women who are little, fragile dolls who need to be 'taken care of' and they say things like "She needs me, she's so fragile. She's like a little wounded deer."

Barf.

The sad thing is, that the men/women who CAN change, do it on their own. OUTSIDE of a relationship. They take time off from relationships, and work on their relationship with themselves. The can demonstrate REAL work and real change, rather than platitudes. The men/women who go from relationship to relationship, (often leaving one partner for another) are NOT going to get past their issues. And the sad thing is that far too many men, despite their loud and protesting denials, really just want another mother. As one very wise woman put it, "Unfortunately, most men never left the tit."

Some people, however, are worse than others, and in the true spirit of HBI, we have created our "Red Flag List" - things to watch out for, and turn and walk (quickly) away from - no matter HOW deeply involved you are in the relationship.

As the mother of this Heartless Bitch once said,

"A man is who he is by his 16th birthday. Don't enter a relationship expecting him to change, because he won't, even if it is better for him and he knows it. And if he DOES seem to change, he'll only revert back the moment you let up, and he'll only resent you the whole time you are trying to get him to change. It's not worth it."

Through some personal experience and in talking to many other women, we have compiled a list of things to watch for. This list can apply equally to women as well as men. If the person you are with does any ONE thing on this list, put on your running shoes. If they do TWO or more things, lace those shoes up tight, and start RUNNING.

1. He demands sex on the first date, and when you repeatedly refuse it, he replies that he won't take no for an answer, and asks repeatedly what he has to do to make you change your mind.

2. His favorite subject is how oppressed he is by the world, and how all these feminists and liberated women who always turn him down have damaged his self-concept and made life so hard for him.

3. Despite his obvious mental angst [or perhaps because of it...] he completely rejects the idea of professional therapy as a sham, preferring to confide in YOU, because, well, YOU are so much better at understanding him and his troubled life than some overpaid professional "quack."

4. He/she has an elevated tension level consistently. Tries to paint the inability to relax as a positive character trait.

5. He/she always has an "agenda". Does not sincerely listen to anything that diverts attention from the agenda, and quickly shifts conversation back to his/her goal(s), without addressing the other person's concerns.

6. He says things like "I see in you the woman you can be (/become)", in combination with his love declarations. (This sounds very romantic in the beginning, as if he wants to help you grow, or develop, or god knows what you make of it, but in fact it means: I see flaws in how you are now and I am going to do something about "fixing" you)

7. He immediately starts sucking up to your friends and trying to become buddies with them. I am not saying being nice to them, I mean trying to establish his OWN close relationship with them. (In the beginning easily taken for 'nice': he wants to be a part of my life, but in fact a means to have better control -e.g. make you start doubting them later if he wants to alienate you from them, to make you more dependent on him, and to prevent you from having someone to talk to about problems with him (friends don't want to get "caught in the middle"). Manipulators try to get close to YOUR friends in order to feed misinformation behind the scenes, so that they come off looking like martyrs when they pull the rug out.

8. They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past. Addicts usually replace one addiction with another, if they ever leave on addiction behind at all. Alcohol today, porn tomorrow.

9. Men who have juvenile hobbies such as comic book or action figure collections. This is a huge sign that they're not all the way grown up.

10. Men who take a casual touch football or video game and turn it into a major competitive event complete with "psych-out" insults and verbal baiting. Later, when feelings are hurt, he will say that the object of this fierce competitiveness was "hypersensitive" or just a sore loser crybaby.

11. You assert some perfectly normal, basic right of yours, for example to not lend him your car for a week or something, and he acts very shocked and hurt, and tells you that YOU ARE VERY SELFISH. 99.9% of the time, when a person tells you YOU are selfish, it is because you are refusing to give in to some unreasonable, selfish demand of theirs. They will try this with any aspect of life where you assert yourself as a separate independent person - such things as going back to school, having your own bank account, going out with your friends without him, etc. are "selfish" since they are not about him or his "needs."

12. He/she tries to enlist your help in getting revenge on or publicly embarrassing his/her ex.

13. He/she enlists your friends and family to get you back after a fight or break up.

14. The answer to any relationship problem you have is resolved in bed.

15. He and you grew up differently- him from a traditional "old world" style family- and you a "Americanized" family- and he wants you to behave/dress/talk more conservative (like his mother- a lifelong homemaker).

16. He breaks up with you "for your own good", using excuses like "you will be miserable with me" or "you need to be free" or "you aren't ready for sex", then he begs for you to come back.

17. He does something REALLY inconsiderate and/or discourteous, and no matter how calmly you try to talk to him about it, he JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND why you are hurt or upset. You find yourself having to explain concepts of basic courtesy to him. He insists that you are overreacting, being too sensitive, or uses some other implication that there must be something wrong with you. Even if he DOES apologize, you leave the conversation never really feeling like things were actually resolved. Never feeling like he really understood or accepted that his actions were inappropriate or hurtful.

18. He says things like "I just want to be good for someone. I just want to be good for YOU." Don't let it tug at your heart-strings. Don't think it means he's REALLY working on his stuff - it means he's so filled with self-hate that he's been an ass to everyone else in his past, and he thinks that he can feel good about himself if he finds the "right" woman. He's searching for salvation through YOU instead of working on his **** himself, and it won't work. It didn't work in the past with all the other women and you are just another kick at the can for him.

19. He says things like, "If I can't make it work with you, I don't think I can make it work with anyone...", trying to emotionally manipulate you into feeling sorry for him, so you'll stay around when he is clearly behaving like an ass.

20. He sits in the car, honking the horn, or starts to drive away, while you are still in the house/apartment, trying to get ready to go out. He knows you aren't ready yet, but he goes out to the car anyway. He gets angry and frustrated if you aren't ready the instant HE is. Your life is expected to run on HIS schedule.

21. On the subject of running your life on HIS schedule, You are expected to wake up when HE does, and go to bed when HE does. If you stay up late or sleep in, he sulks or takes off without leaving any indication of where he has gone. He may "forget" the two of you made plans for that day, or go do the activity you planned to do together, with someone else.

22. Something about him "creeps out" or unnerves other friends or family members.

23. He just *leaves* a party or function you went to with him, without telling you (or anyone else) he is leaving, or where he is going.

24. He drops subtle or not-so-subtle hints about how "perfect" he thinks he is, or what a great catch others have said he is, and how "lucky" you are to have him. Unfortunately, with this guy, you will never be able to live up to his impossible standards.

25. He tells you how his previous girlfriend (the one he dumped for you) says the two of you won't last (attempting to hook you into trying to prove her wrong).

26. He sulks or acts like a sullen jerk if you ask him to attend function with you that he doesn't want to attend, or if you don't want to leave early, when HE does. He is incapable of being mature about it and just figuring out how to have fun.

27. He goes to a movie or play or concert that YOU expressed an interest in seeing, with someone else - deliberately timing it so that you were unavailable to attend.

28. He makes joking insults about you in front of others and/or in front of you.

29. He blames all his previous relationship failures on the women he was with. He complains how they were unstable, insensitive or just didn't understand him. If he DOES admit that he ****** things up, he is quick to point out that if SHE had been the *right* person for him, she wouldn't have allowed him to **** it up.

30. Even though he will denigrate them on the one hand, on the other hand, he holds his previous girlfriend(s) up as impossible standards for you to live up to.

31. He seems like "a challenge", or a "diamond in the rough".

32. He/she talks about looking for a "soul mate" or "someone to complete me".

33. He warns you about his previous bad behavior, and indicates that he is "working" on it, but is not "healed" yet. He implies that maybe only YOU can really understand and help him overcome his past, but he's not sure. This leaves him an "out" (an "I WARNED you" option) when he DOES act out again.

34. He never apologizes, or he apologizes, but in an oily way that implies that he won't make a committment to not do it again, or in some way implies that YOU were the cause of the bad behavior - that you "triggered" him or "pushed his dysfunctional buttons".

35. He has no friends of the opposite sex.

36. He has no friends period.

37. He has people he calls "friends" but he very rarely, (or *never* calls) them, goes out with them or does anything with them.

38. His "friends" are total flakes, crackpots and emotionally disturbed people. (Healthy people attract Healthy friends. Unhealthy people attract UNhealthy friends.)

39. He/She abandons his/her current "friends" at the start of your relationship, and practically never sees them, never does anything with them anymore - he/she is completely focussed on YOU.

40. He has no spine- lets you do whatever you want, never says NO. Says things like, "Whatever you do." or "It's up to you."

41. He/She doesn't take responsibility for his/her behavior- everything is someone else's fault. Or blames all adult mistakes on parents.

42. He thinks WWF wrestling is culture.

43. He/She gets annoyed if you want to spend time with anyone else but him/her. Won't let you have your own friends and starts gradually cutting you off from them. Or insists she/he doesn't need any friends except for you.

44. He does something REALLY hurtful or inconsiderate and when you get upset, makes a comment like, "I'm not responsible for your feelings". He refuses to do anything in the way of reparation, and invalidates your feelings. He acts cold and callous, or condescending implying that you are overreacting or being irrational by being upset.

45. He apologizes, but keeps repeating the same hurtful "mistakes". When you question him on this he accuses you of "laying blame".

46. He remembers EVERY mistake you ever made, and brings them up long after you apologized (and made reparation), in order to justify HIS bad behavior ("Well YOU did X... and I'm still hurting from it..."). OR he uses those old hurts as excuses for his "depression".

47. He has a completely different recollection of "events" than you have, and insists that YOU are the one that has the faulty memory. Especially events where HE acted inappropriately.

48. He is a pig in his own place, but expects that the "right woman" will help him fix it up and keep it clean.

49. (if you are living together). He complains about the mess in the house, and criticizes the lack of kitchen cleanliness as if it is YOUR fault, but his own room or office is a STY. (Remember, it's easier to criticize the way a woman keeps a kitchen than it is to admit you are a misogynist.)

50. (for guys in their 30's and 40's) He has NO relationship with his ex-partners, in fact, they want NOTHING to do with him. If he isn't friends with at least a couple of his ex-partners (especially the long-term significant ones), and talks with them socially periodically (over more than issues with their kids), then watch out.

51. He is uncomfortable with you talking to his former girlfriends/partners/spouses.

52. (According to him) all or many of his former girlfriends are "nuts" or emotionally unbalanced. Watch out for the "I did this bad thing, BUT... SHE brought it out in me.... and I won't be that way with you..." or worse... the "I'm not sure if I won't do this again, but with the RIGHT woman to BELIEVE in me..."

53. He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)

54. He has ANY history of childhood abuse (abusive parents or siblings), ESPECIALLY (but not limited to) sexual abuse, and he hasn't been in YEARS of therapy (and I mean YEARS - like a decade or more, depending on his age), working through his issues. Men who were abused have a very strong tendency to become abusers. It takes many many years of therapy to overcome this, if they can at all. And when they start therapy, they often get worse before they get better. Manipulative men who have been in therapy for only a year or so or are probably at the WORST stage to get involved with.

55. He/She is on the rebound - i.e. less than 1.5 years after a major breakup from a long-term relationship.

56. He's seeing someone else (and he is intimate with them) and he falls for you. It may seem very flattering, but he'll only do the same thing to you later. It's a sick pattern and it ISN'T going to stop with YOU.

57. He tells you all the ways you are alike and seems to find more similarities with each passing day - he's setting you up. He's "mirroring" you to be more attractive. It's another abuser/controller pattern.

58. He/She wants to get married before you have known each other for more than 1-2 years and haven't even lived together yet. It takes at least 1.5yrs for the "hormone rush" of infatuation to wear off, and the true colours to start to emerge, depending on how quickly you individuate away from the "joined at the hip" phase.

59. He starts doing things incongruent with the person you THOUGHT you first got to know. People are always on their best behavior during the "courtship" phase. If that behavior starts to degrade and change into little nasty digs, or lies, or other forms of abuse, DITCH him before it gets worse. Don't wait around hoping the the guy you first fell in love with is going to resurface - that was obviously a False Image designed to hook you.

60. He/She takes pride in how he/she "screwed over" the ex financially in the divorce.

61. He renegs on or "forgets" any financial agreement the two of you had - such as to share the rent on a basement apartment you both worked on to fix up.

62. He insists that you remain financially independent and then complains when you can't afford the same level of entertainment and travel that HE can.

63. He seems "too good to be true" - he probably IS (not TRUE, that is).

64. He is constantly "down" and has a variety of excuses - his back hurts, he doesn't get enough light, you are keeping him awake at night so he doesn't get enough sleep, he hasn't had enough to eat that day, etc.

65. He suffers from some kind of chronic pain, such as back pain, but refuses to get any treatment for it, and then uses it as an excuse for why he is irritable, inconsiderate and even nasty.

66. He continually rejects your ideas for things to do, (dates) places to go, etc.

67. He "forgets" critical things that he has KNOWN for years, like the fact that you are allergic to feathers (and buys a feather comforter for the bed, or a feather pillow).

68. You *clearly* and openly state your expectations and needs, in a calm and caring fashion, you are told that you are being "controlling" or "manipulative" or "too sensitive".

69. He tells snide joking insults about you in front of others. If you complain, he says it was all in fun and you are just being too sensitive.

70. You are moving out of the infatuation phase and find yourself having to constantly reassure him that you love him and will be there, simply because you are no longer spending every waking minute (outside of work) with him. He continually complains about the lack of "intensity" in your relationship and implies that YOU are the one responsible for not keeping it up.

71. He used to be completely interested in anything you had to say, and now starts showing disinterest in topics that interest you, to the point of rudeness. He won't even listen out of politeness or courtesy. Complains that you don't talk about HIM enough, or listen to HIM enough, and that what you are interested in, isn't interesting to HIM. Expects YOU, however to be interested in ANYTHING *he* is interested in.

72. You have to keep proving yourself worthy of his attention or love. You get attention withdrawn if you ask for responsible behavior or in any way indicate that you were not happy with something he did.

73. He tells you many or all of his deep dark secrets, early on. It seems like he is really sensitive and opening up to you. This is often a tactic that manipulators use to get you to think that YOU are so special that they can only open up like that to YOU. It's just a technique. They do it with EVERYONE. They also do it to "cover" for their previous bad behavior, - if they TELL you about it, it MUST mean they are working on it and won't do it again... (though they NEVER ACTUALLY SAY THAT... they imply it heavily). The goal is to cover their tracks in case you happen to hear something from anyone else - this ensures that they have good cover story well in hand, as well as giving them the advantage of already convincing you of THEIR version before anyone else can get you. And the act of telling you about their bad behavior in the past will become a great caveat/excuse in future if they enact it on you - "well I TOLD you I was a manipulator, and that I was TRYING to change..." the implication being that you just weren't SPECIAL enough, after all... or that you aren't trying hard enough... Watch what they DO, not what they say.

74. He/she continually wants to discuss "the relationship", and is always finding problems or faults with it, and/or starts insisting/implying that all the relationship problems are YOUR fault.

75. He/She puts on a *very* different demeanor, a different personna, when at work or with another group of people. He/she seems to be a chameleon depending on who they are with - instead of being one *real* person. If questioned, gets defensive and insists that they just have many "facets" to their personality, implying that you just don't fully "accept" them as they are.

76. He uses money to win influence and/or get attention, not because he is genuinely altruistic or generous in nature - for example, he drops hundreds or thousands of dollars on "donations" to charitable organizations (so he can get VIP status at their functions), but won't loan you his $5 beat-up old backpack.

77. She doesn't eat.

78. He's in a real hurry to get married, right now, right away!

79. He's an ex-con. For some women, this still isn't enough, for some reason.

80. Over 30 and still living at home.

81. His/her whole social life revolves around his/her parents.

82. On the first date, already talks about marriage or kids. (This is even out on the 2nd or 3rd date)

83. After only one or two dates, gets overly possessive. Calls constantly, sends gifts, shows up at work.

84. His entire wardrobe consists of clothes from trade shows like Comdex, bearing the logos of software and gaming companies.

85. He stockpiles weapons.

86. He has kids with various women and never sees them.

87. He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.

88. She still calls her mother every time she has to make a major life decision.

89. He/she says things like "you're everything to me. I can't live without you."

90. Everyone hates him- your friends, your parents, even your dog.

91. He/she is under 23 and has already been married and divorced and has kids.

92. He/she can't hold a job for more than three months.

93. He shows signs of pennypinching. For example, a guy who only goes to the rep theatre because he has a special card, and then won't even buy a popcorn but eats out of your container all night and shares your soda. Then won't even go out for a beer after, even if it's a weekend. His clothes are ten years old or more.

94. He uses "bitch" as a term of endearment.

95. He supports his driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol with the phrase, "I'm a professional!" (The fact that drugs are present should be red flag anyway, but not everyone feels that way.)

96. He goes out of his way to be rude and condescending to waitstaff and gets a kick out of their discomfort.

97. He supports his argument against condoms by saying, "I never wear them."

98. He tells you not to get "illusions of grandeur" in regard to marrying him.

99. Sports programs preempt visits with his children on a regular basis.

100. This is a big one: HE DOWNPLAYS AND DEGRADES ALL OF THE "RULES" PEOPLE FOLLOW WHEN DATING. HE COMPLAINS THAT WOMEN ALWAYS MAKE MEN JUMP THROUGH HOOPS. HE FOCUSES ON THESE TWO IN MOST CONVERSATIONS FROM THE FIRST DATE ON. His way of getting around the rules is to repeat, "Ours isn't a conventional relationship. We're not like all of those other people out there who have to have boundaries."

Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2000, All Rights Reserved

Barbara52

You say you love this guy. Just what do you love about being mistreated, disrepected, abused and just generally treated like crap?

That is the relationship you have described. I see nothing much of love in it.

ash4

thank you all for your post. it really means alot to me... and finding this site was a blessing... for those of you in recovery... congrats!

sodetermined

ash4,

Welcome! I am also very happy to have found this site.

My boyfriend of the last 2 1/2 years has battled addiction, both alcohol and meth. And even while he wasn't using meth or drinking, yes he still had the mood swings. But there is a BIG difference between abstaning (not using a substance) and recovering. Is he really in a recovery program? Does he attend meetings? Because from what I have learned, the alcohol and/or drugs are just a symptom of the real problem, there are other issues that he needs to deal with. Some of things that you have mentioned I can certainly relate to, the roller coaster of this seemingly "perfect man", EXCEPT for when he treats you like ****. It got to the point for me that the bad far outweighed the good, and I wasn't happy. And it took some realizations on my part, and big one for me was first of all.....he treated me like that because he doesn't love himself. He can't love you because he is battling his own demons.

Well for a long time, I would make excuses for my boyfriend, too. Heck, I made more excuses for Chris than he did. I felt sorry for him (and still do to this day sometimes), but one thing that I realized is that he has choices in life. He can choose to walk away when he feels the need to belittle you. And no matter what, it is not right for him to treat you right no matter what he is going through. People can learn how to battle their own demons without it affecting you so much. It is not selfish to walk away from people if they are hurting you.

There are a lot of great readings at the top about addiction and other things, take the time to read them they are wonderful!!!

Again, welcome to the board!

carolineb

Ash~

Addicts/alcoholics do NOT love themselves....and although it may appear in the beginning that he loves/loved you like you had never been loved before....it CANNOT be sustained with someone who ultimately does NOT love themselves.

They are bottomless pits. The solace I take in having ended a relationship with an addict....is that NO ONE will give him what he needs. He may believe that he's getting it for a period of time....but ultimately no matter how much you 'fill them up'....it is never ever going to be enough. They will never be satisfied.

Let him go.

really_fed_up

Hi Ash,

I was thinking of you and re-read your post this morning and I just wanted to see how you are doing...listen to your gut instinct. If it's telling you "get out", then "get out". Do you want to be belittled or have your basic rights (i.e. asserting your own opinion) denied? Because that's what he's doing and he's making you feel (unjustly) guilty for doing NOTHING wrong. I also didn't realize he had cheated on you. WRONG WRONG WRONG. And no alcohol or mental issues are to blame for that--either you love someone and commit yourself to them or you don't. You deserve much, much better!

Hugs

FormerDoormat

His behavior should be scaring the crap out of you. He is trouble with a capital T. Remember all those movies where Mr. Perfect comes along and sweeps an unsuspecting young girl off her feet only to turn into a monster once he's got her under his control?

Most of them were modeled after men just like your boyfriend. Remember how those movies end? With the women in deep doo-doo and narrowly escaping with their sanity and/or life?

This guy creeps me out. He should creep you out, too. I wish you the wisdom to see the truth and the strength to break away from this very sick person. The sooner you walk away the better.

Load Warrior

Let's say addiction plays no part in this. You're not with him 24/7, so you don't really know what he's doing or not doing. Right now he's hurting you then makes up for it in some romantic way and you forgive him. THIS IS THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CYCLE. Look it up. Of course he's not hitting you (yet) but he's still hurting you... verbally and emotionally. Same thing without the broken bones and bruises.

So, you've got a very romantic guy who verbally abuses you and cheats on you. It takes a MIRACLE for guys to change. So, assume he's not going to change EVER. If he does change, great. I couldn't be happier. but if he doesn't you will be stuck in this cycle for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Is that what you want? Is it worth the chance that a miracle might happen?

And no, he doesn't act like that in front of his friends. He chooses to bestow his crappy attitude on you. Why? Because you'll forgive him and put up with it. If he acted that way to his friends, they'd leave. He can control it in front of his friends. Why not you? Who is more important? Them or you? I know it sucks, but that's the truth of it. And that's what you get for being such a wonderful person and loving him more than anyone else does... his crappy attitude.

Your friends and family are right... RUN!

really_fed_up

Could not have said it better!

Snowwolf

Seriously. I don't know you from a tree, but you do not deserve this type of treatment. I think everyone here has given good advice, but let me add this nugget. If there is something inside you that is driving you to this guy (or guys like him), I urge you to go to therapy and find out what that is. Hooking up with a person who has these types of anger management issues and an addiction on top of it is not where you want to be right now. I don't want to "Dr. Phil" you, but "what are you thinking??!!" Also, I know that he's a musician and he probably looks hot and all, but listen- I was watching VH1 the other day and I saw Dokken (the metal rocker from the early 80s). Trust me, some day this hot musician you are looking at is going to turn into a stringy haired, paunchy tattoo-sagging forty-something. And then where will you be? Yikes.

Good luck, but even more importantly, Good Choice.

Ciao!

Freedom1990

My honest opinion? Sometimes alcohol and drugs get too much credit. Sometimes they are just outright abusive controlling a$$holes. Mix in some chemical relief and you've got an abusive a-hole times 1000.

I was married to an abuser, and I'm lucky he didn't kill me.

I had to walk away and never look back.

abcdefg

Hi Ash.

Welcome.

I pray that you will pay special attention to the posters here who have experience with abuse -- and narrowly escaping with their lives.

I encourage you to think about how many women MIGHT have been posting here but you won't hear from them because they are dead. They did NOT make it out. It happens all the time.

You deserve to be treated with dignity, respect and care by ANYONE in your life. Not occasionally but EVERY DAY. You deserve that -- not because you've done something to deserve it. You just deserve it. Period.

Dignity, respect and care does not scream or hit or throw things or threaten or promise or manipulate or let blood.

A person showing you dignity, respect and care speaks and walks gently, has patience, is capable of taking into account another person's needs and feelings, is reliable, has self-esteem and

IS NOT DRUNK
IS NOT HIGH
IS NOT LYING ABOUT EITHER
IS NOT BEATING YOU UP
IS NOT SUCKING UP TO YOU BECAUSE HE IS SORRY HE BEAT YOU UP.

You take care of you. You are not alone here. I'm glad you found SR.

carolineb

......This was my laugh for the day. Thanks for this funny response. Brilliant.

prodigal

Yep, that is pretty "amazing." An immature, woman-abusing pothead who treats you like a wad of used toilet paper.

Amazing.

ash4

I just get so lost. I just started therapy. It has kept me strong for 3-4 days a week, but once the middle of the week hits... all i want is him. I cry in the middle of the afternoon... It just makes me SO angry! I know that he will never change, I KNOW IT! SO, why do i still love him?! He doesn't deserve my love... he doesn't deserve my attention... but he has it. he's been asking all my friends about me.... It kills me. I have never been one to want to take back a second of my life, but i want to take back the night i met him... because right now, this all is just too hard. I thank you all for taking the time to read this and give me your advice. i know none of you know me, but... it really does keep me strong! It means SO much to me. and for the record, he is not a rock star... more like ray charles meets ben harper... i guess that makes it worse, he sings love songs because "it's what people relate too"... red flag right? how did i miss all of this in the beginning?! I just feel so stupid for so many reasons... A. I fell for this B. I can't let him go (at least not mentally) and C. as was stated, so many women have had their lives taken from by abusive men and here i am... sometimes i get so scared. I'm SO young! 22 in july. a year and a half left of college... and here i am... stuck trying to over come some damned guy that doesn't even care what happens to me or my life... I don't want my life to be like this... not forever, but it feels like it is going to be...

prodigal

You don't love HIM; you love the image of him you have in your mind.

You DO have control over who you choose to love.
You DO have control over who gets your attention.
You DO have control over making good choices for YOUR life.

He does not have SQUAT unless you choose to give it to him. He doesn't want your love, fine. Don't give it to him. Quit torturing yourself.

I was 22 myself once. I'd sure love to have back my size 7 body now and keep the wisdom I've gained from living this long. Hon, you are a young woman. So let me impart a bit of wisdom to you that I learned. I started chasing after abusive men in high school. Men who "loved" me, used me, and dumped me. Time after time after time. And between men, I spent a lot of time literally crying myself to sleep, feeling suicidally depressed, and running to counselors.

And after dumping my sorrows on counselors, friends, relatives, and anyone else who would listen to my misery, I learned this: the ONLY constant in each of the disasterous relationships was ME. Lots of abusive men. Only one me.

Respect yourself. Don't settle for cr*p. Don't wait until you get to my age to look back on a life spent chasing after abusers and addicts.