Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
While I am very grateful that my recovery has given me the knowledge that I have choices, decisions and usually some option in all situations - that doesn't make it always easy to make those decisions. Or at least for me it doesn't.
Our A daughter, who has been incarcerated since the first part of December 2007, has a court date next week. That is as long as it is not postponed. The Public Defender is working on getting all charges resolved at that Court date, if not then she will remain in custody until June.
So, I have done pretty well during this time - doing what I thought was right for me - setting boundaries I could live with, corresponding thru mail and praying for her.
Now, my dilemia is do I go to court that day?
I'm nosy, concerned, curious - whatever you want to call it. I want to know what is going on, if I don't go how will I know what really happened. Can I take looking at her being brought into a courtroom under those circumstances? It was one of the most painful experiences that I have ever been thru to visit her and have to talk on the phone and see her thru that plexiglass window.
Are my Big Girl Panties really big enough for this experience?
I know I don't have to decide today, I have a few days to continue praying and seeking my HP's guidance as to what is the best for her and the best for me.
So, I'm just posting this - Know that there are tons of us, moms & dads, wives & husbands; daughters & sons; brothers & sisters; who have walked thru this experience - just asking for some e, s, & h on how you walked thru this time in your life.
Wishing You Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Our A daughter, who has been incarcerated since the first part of December 2007, has a court date next week. That is as long as it is not postponed. The Public Defender is working on getting all charges resolved at that Court date, if not then she will remain in custody until June.
So, I have done pretty well during this time - doing what I thought was right for me - setting boundaries I could live with, corresponding thru mail and praying for her.
Now, my dilemia is do I go to court that day?
I'm nosy, concerned, curious - whatever you want to call it. I want to know what is going on, if I don't go how will I know what really happened. Can I take looking at her being brought into a courtroom under those circumstances? It was one of the most painful experiences that I have ever been thru to visit her and have to talk on the phone and see her thru that plexiglass window.
Are my Big Girl Panties really big enough for this experience?
I know I don't have to decide today, I have a few days to continue praying and seeking my HP's guidance as to what is the best for her and the best for me.
So, I'm just posting this - Know that there are tons of us, moms & dads, wives & husbands; daughters & sons; brothers & sisters; who have walked thru this experience - just asking for some e, s, & h on how you walked thru this time in your life.
Wishing You Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Japic05,
I noticed you said "our" A daughter. Is this your husband? Maybe this is something that you could ask for help on from him. Could he go in place of you and bring you back the information you desire so that you don't have to put yourself through it? I know that you are trying to be the big girl here, but isn't it okay (and self-healthy) to sometimes ask others for help?
I noticed you said "our" A daughter. Is this your husband? Maybe this is something that you could ask for help on from him. Could he go in place of you and bring you back the information you desire so that you don't have to put yourself through it? I know that you are trying to be the big girl here, but isn't it okay (and self-healthy) to sometimes ask others for help?
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Hi Rita,
I have made that trip to court when my AD was in jail, and it was a terrifying experience to be sure and so I understand your emotions on this.....but I want to say that you know whether it is something you can do or not, and not to feel that you have failed in some way if you choose not to go...I like Peaceteach's suggestion, is there someone else who can go in your stead....
grateful
I have made that trip to court when my AD was in jail, and it was a terrifying experience to be sure and so I understand your emotions on this.....but I want to say that you know whether it is something you can do or not, and not to feel that you have failed in some way if you choose not to go...I like Peaceteach's suggestion, is there someone else who can go in your stead....
grateful
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Thanks guys - my hubby is an A also and after almost 4 yrs sober the slowly but surely relapsed into his disease also.
My perception of the situation is very sad, I acutally believe that the two of them probably got caught up in some stuff together and it is difficult to believe what one says about the other.
Which is part of the dilemia. Really feeling very isolated in dealing with this - my head knows that I'm not, but my heart feels that I am.
There is so much dysfunction surrounding my family - this is my oldest step-daughter - she has been my daughter since she was 14 yrs old - she is now 30. She has lived with us and holds a very special place in my heart as all my daughters (step or natural born).
But it is very common to not get the "entire" story or the whole truth from anyone which is why I would really like to be there so I won't be given a half truth from another source but I also know it will be very emotionally difficult.
And what will happen will happen whether I'm there or not -
This stuff ain't for sissys huh?
Thanks again for the input - I really appreciate the support
My perception of the situation is very sad, I acutally believe that the two of them probably got caught up in some stuff together and it is difficult to believe what one says about the other.
Which is part of the dilemia. Really feeling very isolated in dealing with this - my head knows that I'm not, but my heart feels that I am.
There is so much dysfunction surrounding my family - this is my oldest step-daughter - she has been my daughter since she was 14 yrs old - she is now 30. She has lived with us and holds a very special place in my heart as all my daughters (step or natural born).
But it is very common to not get the "entire" story or the whole truth from anyone which is why I would really like to be there so I won't be given a half truth from another source but I also know it will be very emotionally difficult.
And what will happen will happen whether I'm there or not -
This stuff ain't for sissys huh?
Thanks again for the input - I really appreciate the support
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 388
Rita,
I agree that only you know what you are comfortable doing... But from one mom to another, let me share my courtroom experiences.
I have sat in the court room and watched my incarcerated A's being brought in by an armed prison guard and appear before the judge. The A is in handcuffs and wearing the prison issue outfit (orange for my AS, blue for my AD). I cannot even begin to explain how I felt seeing my children like that, and the bile that rises in my throat even now as I type about these two separate events. Also, while you are waiting for your A to appear, you are sitting there watching all of the other (please forgive me) .... stuff on the bottom of my shoe appear before the judge. You must sit and listen to all their ****-a-maney- excuses for what they did, until your child is brought in. Your child then gives their ****-a-maney excuse..... YUCK!!!!
Been there, done that, will never again .... DO THAT!
Gentle Hugs,
Colleen
I agree that only you know what you are comfortable doing... But from one mom to another, let me share my courtroom experiences.
I have sat in the court room and watched my incarcerated A's being brought in by an armed prison guard and appear before the judge. The A is in handcuffs and wearing the prison issue outfit (orange for my AS, blue for my AD). I cannot even begin to explain how I felt seeing my children like that, and the bile that rises in my throat even now as I type about these two separate events. Also, while you are waiting for your A to appear, you are sitting there watching all of the other (please forgive me) .... stuff on the bottom of my shoe appear before the judge. You must sit and listen to all their ****-a-maney- excuses for what they did, until your child is brought in. Your child then gives their ****-a-maney excuse..... YUCK!!!!
Been there, done that, will never again .... DO THAT!
Gentle Hugs,
Colleen
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Colleen))
Big Hugs to you - what painful experiences those must have been - hate so much that you had to go thru that.
What you are describing is one of the main reasons I am reluctant to go - Like so many of us - I ABSOLUTELY HATE to cry in public - it is a huge trigger for me and makes me feel so unsafe. the majority of my crying is done in my vehicle alone or at my f2f meeting. I am afraid that sitting in that courtroom would just be too much.
I am beginning to believe I am NOT suppose to do it. Like the ODAT in Al-Anon book pg 131 says (and I'm putting it in my own words) we will find out what we need to know when we need to know it - usually without any action on our part.
Thanks once again for letting me "talk" it out - always helps get it out of "Ritaville" and apply the tools of my program to allow my HP to guide me in healthy decisions.
Big Hugs to you - what painful experiences those must have been - hate so much that you had to go thru that.
What you are describing is one of the main reasons I am reluctant to go - Like so many of us - I ABSOLUTELY HATE to cry in public - it is a huge trigger for me and makes me feel so unsafe. the majority of my crying is done in my vehicle alone or at my f2f meeting. I am afraid that sitting in that courtroom would just be too much.
I am beginning to believe I am NOT suppose to do it. Like the ODAT in Al-Anon book pg 131 says (and I'm putting it in my own words) we will find out what we need to know when we need to know it - usually without any action on our part.
Thanks once again for letting me "talk" it out - always helps get it out of "Ritaville" and apply the tools of my program to allow my HP to guide me in healthy decisions.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Boise, ID
Posts: 56
Japico,
I too am the mother of an addict- in my case it is my 21 year old son who is currently in a state facility on a felony probation violation. On a side note, my posts on this board seem to have disappeared- I used to post all the time and took a break and now my posts are gone! Anyway, I have been in court more times than I can count- I have chosen to go most times and for me, though it is really hard I need to be there.
It is awful to see the one you love in shackles but my son has told me that it has helped him. He has been clean and sober for awhile and I visit him once a week and we talk about the past 5 years. He has told me that having me there shamed him but it also showed him that I loved him no matter what and he believes that everything I have done over these years has helped get him to the good place he is today.
Do what feels right for you. Nobody but you can decide.
Hugs from one Mom to another,
I too am the mother of an addict- in my case it is my 21 year old son who is currently in a state facility on a felony probation violation. On a side note, my posts on this board seem to have disappeared- I used to post all the time and took a break and now my posts are gone! Anyway, I have been in court more times than I can count- I have chosen to go most times and for me, though it is really hard I need to be there.
It is awful to see the one you love in shackles but my son has told me that it has helped him. He has been clean and sober for awhile and I visit him once a week and we talk about the past 5 years. He has told me that having me there shamed him but it also showed him that I loved him no matter what and he believes that everything I have done over these years has helped get him to the good place he is today.
Do what feels right for you. Nobody but you can decide.
Hugs from one Mom to another,
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