Just need to vent tonight

Old 03-06-2008, 05:46 PM
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Just need to vent tonight

I'm rather pissed off. I need to vent a little. My addicted step-daughter 19 year old got herself booted from her second rehab. To be fair, it was a very strict place and she got herself booted for repeated minor rule infractions rather than relapse or any big blow-up. Still, she got herself booted.

We've been trying to find a third rehab, but some problems beyond our control came up and it is taking longer than we expected. She is attending a local outpatient program. She failed to show up there twice this week, once after I dropped her off a block from the place!

Here's what's pissing me off. She's moping around, acting like a victim, feeling sorry for herself and now accusing us of treating her like a 12 year old! The only rules are that she attend the out patient program and get to bed by 11:00 so that she can get up in the morning to get there. We only made that rule because of the days that she claimed she was too tired to go.

I agree that sometimes her mom is too strict on the curfew. A few nights ago she was out with a friend who is also in the out patient program. I called her to ask when she would be home. She said by midnight. I knew that her mom wouldn't like it, but I know that my step-daughter has said she just wants to do some things that a normal 19 year old does, like staying out a little late. They were going to a hookah (tobacco) bar and then to watch a friend perform in a band.

My idea was that if she got home on time and then made it to her program, I would make the case to her mom that she could be trusted to set her own curfew. Well, she got home at 1:30AM instead of midnight. I dropped her off at her program the next day, but she never signed in.

She's relapsed at least once since being home and we suspect from her behavior a few more times.

Now, she's pissed off at us as if this is OUR fault. Well grow up! We didn't stick a needle in your arm. You did. We didn't get you booted from two rehabs. You did.

We don't want to make rules for her, but she can't live in our house if she is going to use and unless she is in treatment. She was in college with an off-campus apartment and all the freedom in the world. What did she do with that freedom? Get herself hooked on heroin! She hates our rules? If she hadn't messed up in one of the worst possible ways, she wouldn't have to live with our rules.

There. It feels better to vent.
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Old 03-06-2008, 06:30 PM
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Hi,
I agree with everything you did...You are really been very nice about it at that...There are rules in life and they need to Obey the rules.

My husband once read:
A friend ask another friend, "why didn't we do drugs when we where younger."
His friends reply: I did do drugs!! I got drug to church every Sunday, I got drug outside to do yardwork, I got drug to the the kitchen sink when I sassed the my elders to have my mouth washed out with dial soap, I got drug to the old tree to get a switch for my misbehavior...So there you go....I got drugs alright...The right kind!!:rof

I am glad you feel better, I feel better when I vent to:ghug
God Bless,
Machele
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Old 03-06-2008, 06:35 PM
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I'm sorry you got this on your plate, Soberandy.....glad the venting helped......maybe its time to revisit the rules and beef 'em up

Last edited by grateful2b; 03-06-2008 at 06:57 PM.
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Old 03-06-2008, 06:37 PM
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What will you do if she relapses and you find out, Andy? I don't ask to be confrontational. I am in a similar situation with my living-at-home son and I just wonder if you and your wife have a "plan". I have a feeling it is just a matter of time until my son falls again, if he isn't already? I am divorced and trying to figure this out on my own and it might be helpful to hear a man's plan. I do talk with my ex about it, but he is trying to recover from alcoholism and has no plan to take in his son. I really don't blame him. It's so tough!
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Old 03-06-2008, 06:40 PM
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with your thinking and actions. I know that many times my daughter would have me thinking in circles. It took having some real distance from her to finally get my thinking straight. In fact I was just thinking today how she tries to make me the bad guy because I would like her to get clean. Well duh, any parent who loves their child wants the best for them. You want the best for your stepdaughter. The problem with our children is that they do not want the best for themselves. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-06-2008, 08:18 PM
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What the heckis going on with these 19 year old girls? There are so many of us on this board in the same situation and the DOC is heroin.

Back in November my 19 year old daughter was admitted to three different rehabs, in three different states, in 11 days. Is that a record?

She spent 3 months in the last rehab and it was their recommendation that upon discharge she be given the choice of a homeless shleter, a transfer to another more affordable inpatient facility or a highly structured Sober Living enviornment.

Well I wimped out on the homeless shelter part because there are no beds right now at appropriate inpatient or Sober Living places. I thought how bad could it be for a few weeks:

I laid down simple rules and consequences:

If she steals from me, I call the Police and press charges.
If she takes our car, I will report it stolen and press charges.
If she is arrested for anything, I will not bail her out or hire a lawyer.
If she uses, she is out of the house.
If she does not return home by 11:00, the security alarm goes on and the door remains closed for the night.
I will buy what she needs but will not give her a penny.
I protect my wallet, cash, credit cards and checks.

She has no interest in working the 12 steps, therapy or anything else. Most nights she does not return home. My sense is she has replapsed with something although I have no evidence of it, yet.

I am not making myself nuts by searching her stuff. I figure if she is using it will become apparent to the most casual observer, soon enough. And when it does, I pray for the strength to get out of her way and let her go.

Bottomline is addicts need enablers to survive and I am not going to enable addiction.
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Old 03-06-2008, 08:38 PM
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(((Andy)))

Sorry you're going through this. I am an RA, but way, way older than your daughter. I am living at home because of the consequences of my addiction (financial and legal), but I pay rent.

I have rules here, and if I don't follow them, I'm out. They are pretty simple...pay rent (which means I have to have a job), keep in touch when I'm out, and don't use. I don't have to tell them where I am every minute, but I do tell them when I'm going out with friends, and who I'm with because I know they still worry...even though I'm a few days away from a year clean.

She will play the victim role as long as she can. It's only when we A's "fess up" to the fact that the consequences are of our own making, that we get the opportunity to learn that we can't do things our way.

As far as our curfew, I actually agree with your wife. Your daughter says she wants to do what "normal" 19-year-old's do. "Normal" 19-year-old's don't use heroin and get kicked out of rehab. That is a consequence. My friend is a 24-year-old recovering meth addict, raised by her granny (mom in prison for drugs, dad dead from drugs). She is on her own, but still very close to granny. She got really mad one night, after talking to granny, because she was going out of town and granny said "just don't do any drugs" and said "why does she have to say that?!?!"

I told her it was because we dragged our families through he!! and something we are going to have to deal with for a long, long time...maybe the rest of our lives. Our families will always worry about us going back to drugs, and that is nothing more than a consequence.

I think you've gotten good advice, and outtolunch's boundaries sound good to me. I know she's only 19, but that was old enough to get into drugs, and it's old enough to do what it takes to get into recovery. Facing my consequences has made me more determined than ever to not do anything to cause more bad consequences...maybe it will be the same for your daughter.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-06-2008, 10:27 PM
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Originally Posted by peaceteach View Post
What will you do if she relapses and you find out, Andy? I don't ask to be confrontational. I am in a similar situation with my living-at-home son and I just wonder if you and your wife have a "plan".
Our situation is different because this is a temporary. She's going to rehab on Monday. It was always the plan to send her back, but we didn't think it would take three weeks.

To be fair, she is much better than she was six months ago when we first found out about her addiction. She got booted from rehab, but it was because she continuously broke minor rules, not because of any major blow-up or relapse. She had been there 2-1/2 months. We may be naive but we really do believe she can do this, and so we are sending her to another one.

It has simply taken longer than we expected to get her into another rehab for reasons that would take too long to explain. Because it's temporary, we've been willing to put up with a lot of things that we would not otherwise put up with. She confessed to relapsing once and we believe she has done so two or three other times. We've been willing to put up with her attitude because the situation is temporary. She gave us a lot of attitude just before going to the last rehab. The counselors at the out-patient center tell us it is very common for addicts to do that.

Originally Posted by peaceteach View Post
I have a feeling it is just a matter of time until my son falls again, if he isn't already? I am divorced and trying to figure this out on my own and it might be helpful to hear a man's plan.
But to answer your question. You have to tell him he's out of the house if he uses or he must go to rehab. That's the choice that our daughter was given last Fall. Fortunately, she chose the rehab, but only after spending a night on the street with a drug dealer.

Is your son attending treatment? If you can't afford rehab, then maybe demanding that he attend an out-patient program is an option. Get him to sign a release so you will be notified if he fails any drug tests and let him know that the next stop is the street.
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Old 03-07-2008, 08:07 AM
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Prayers for you and family. I understand the frustration.
susan
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