member31986

Now that I've got your attention-Has anyone ever with held sex from significant other (in my case AH) in order to get them into recovery? I KNOW I can not force HIM to do anything unless he wants. However, he knows he is not well -he looks terrible-red face, broken capillaries, overweight-beer belly, yellow/red blooddshot eyes), but I know is still in denial. Was in rehab 16 years ago, did well for awhile but eventually went back on and off. He is 48 yrs. old. He is a functional alcoholic who still functions. Yes, he has a good job, has a nice home, cars, 2 wonderful teenage kids, etc. Yet, I have seen the decline especially within the last 1-2 years and what his drinking has done to him physically but I still give him his sex, I guess to keep him happy (you know men when they don't get any!!) He is a closet drinker and holds his own quite well. I know he will not cheat on me and is a great husband/father for the most part. He cried the other day about all of this as I do at times bring it up to him-"Look in the mirror-do you like what you see?" I have even told him that what if the tables were turned and I looked horrible-overweight,drank, etc. would he want to be with me? That is exactly how I feel-he is not attractive at all but I do love the man, dispite this disease that he has. I keep myself rather nice looking-exercise everyday and watch what I eat etc.-not overly zealous though. We've been married almost 23 years. Please don't tell me to get to Alan-on, been there, done that, don't care for it. I know I have to look out for myself and my kids, not him. I am very well versed in this disease as I have educated myself on it all. Just would like a few opinions on this particular matter as I really have not seen alot on this subject.

fluffyflea

sorry but no matter what you do it isn't going to get him sober. he needs to want it.

you can only take care of yourself.

ngaire

AskingWhy

Not exactly to the same extreme, but I refuse to have sex with AW when she is drunk. I liken it to going out and finding some crack ***** who could care less who is screwing her. Nothing worse than sex with a sloppy drunk, who passes out when it's over...and can't even remember it in the morning......when she's drunk, I either go to bed early and just ignore her advances when she comes into bed, or I am just "too tired" or "have a headache" or whatever else. She knows I don't like her drunk, but yet she drinks...so I figure all it will do is start a big fight if I say.."No, you're dunk and I don't have sex with drunk people"....so I just roll over and try to stay on my side of the bed.

Janitw

My life was just like yours hun......AH, very high functioning, same job for 23 yrs....great kids 2 still at home the other out on his own and married with children....and I thought AH would NEVER cheat on me either....well he did and promptly bailed on me and the kids and is now married to the OW who turned him onto meth.....so now I have an HIV, alcoholic meth head XAH.....NEVER say NEVER. And like you I couldn't stand to have sex with him....it was so very hard to get passed the smell and the looks but I did it because I was afraid he would cheat....lol And he did that anyway. Keep up your strength and think about YOU and the KIDS....

GiveLove

You wanted opinions, so I'll share mine.

"Withholding sex" sounds as though you view sex as some kind of favor a woman grants. Although if I listen to standup comics it seems that this is common among American women, for me, sex is something that ***I*** enjoy doing, in a trusting, loving partnership; a fun and healthy and happy activity we do together as a couple.

Having sex with a sloppy drunk, a stoner, someone who just wants a body for sexual release (no matter whose it is) or with someone I don't respect, isn't something I'd do. It's not withholding. I'm just not at all physically interested, and I'm not interested in having sexual relations as a favor, a service, or a "wifely duty." I realize I'm in the minority. But that's me.

But regardless of your views on sex inside marriage, "withholding sex" won't get you the results you want. Your husband will get sober when he is ready, and not a minute before. All it will do is create a frustrated, angry man who still drinks, but who will seek to fulfill his physical needs somewhere else, and who will feel incredibly justified in doing so.

You can only focus on YOUR needs. Do you need sex? Are you still sexually attracted to him? Is it something that is good for you and good for your marriage? Then do so. If it's a tool of manipulation, something you "give" him, as though you're throwing a bone to a dog, then perhaps you should rethink why you're staying with this man. The material things he provides I'm sure are nice. But life's about joy.

Just my two cents, since you asked.

sketscher

I don't believe with holding sex is going to do anything but perhaps open the door for cheating. My xabf...well that is how he became my abf in the first place. His wife (he was still married) wouldn't even sleep in the same bed as him and the picture he painted for me was a marriage that wasn't working, a wife that didn't understand him etc. Of course in retrospect I now see why she didn't sleep with him, often he was passed out somewhere and couldn't even make to bed for one thing.

hope2bhappy

If you think there is ANYthing you can do to get your AH into recovery, then you are not a "well versed in this disease" as you believe you are.

There should be no motive behind withholding sex from your partner. For me, it was a personal decision that I made for myself, without one thought about how he would feel about it.

Seeking Wisdom

I am not trying to alarm you, but some of his physical symptoms sound potentially serious. After many years of drinking, my husband's appearance and health started to decline very quickly - including the symptoms and changes in appearance you mentioned. What concerns me the most are the yellow eyes and swollen belly ... if he hasn't already, he needs a thorough medical check up. Yellow eyes nearly always indicate cirrhosis which is very serious and requires total abstinence from alcohol ... and the swollen belly may be just weight gain, but in my husband's case it turned out to be fluid retention due to liver failure that had been missed for many months even by his doctor. He had gained over 50 lbs in just fluid mostly in his stomach after years of being slender - but we thought he just had a beer belly. Hopefully your husband will value his life and want to live to see his children grow up, graduate and get married ...enough to see a doctor and stop drinking ... going without sex could be the least of his problems. At this point, he needs to take his health very, very seriously ... my husband lost his life to this disease within 2 years of developing some of these symptoms because he wouldn't stop drinking ... and now his teenage sons no longer have their father to watch them go up, graduate, get married..etc. I hope your husband makes the right choices so he can be around for his family in the years to come.

geees poncho

Sex as a weapon--------- sex as a tool

sex as a reward or punishment ?????

sex as a bribe

is this stuff healthy ?????

BigSis

Maybe not "healthy", but what I've learned about addiction/alcoholism has been as part of a process. People can "tell" me many things... sometimes, I can hear them when they share their OWN experience, strength and hope; but I tended to go deaf when others "told" me what to do (or not do) - even if they were right!

My path has been similar to others precisely because SOME things, I had to learn myself.

I think it is healthy to view sex as a form of loving communication between partners... but I would lay odds that the MAJORITY of partners on any recovery forum have viewed sex in ways other than "loving communication".

Because, if I was so healthy.... why would I be here?

I hear your desperation, Member.... and send prayers for clarity and wisdom. We all get to where we need to be... eventually. I wish you well.

nandm

Let's see, which kills more people:
Alcoholism
or
sex as a tool/weapon/reward/punishment/bribe?

geees poncho

HUH where did this come from

gypsyrose

How often have how many of us had sex with our A just to go along with business as usual, despite the reek.

Is it with holding sex or just acknowledging the natural response to cuddling up with... ick?

Barbara52

Never. I refused to have sex with a man who was disgusting to me when drunk. It just didn't happen. Of course most of the time during our marirage he passed out drunk every night so it wasn't an issues anyway. But I would never have sex with someone who physically and emotionally disgusted me.

As to the original question, I really have a problem with the phrase "withholding sex." It reeks of controlling behavior to me. One that cheapens what is supposed to be a loving act. Not wanting to have sex with a partner is a valid decision in many situations including having a partner who is drunk.

karmakoma

I thought we'd moved beyond sex being a currency? I guess not.....

If withholding sex got people sober, then there would be no drunks. I have yet to meet a partner of an alcoholic who did not end up effectively celibate in their relationship once the drinking got to a certain point.

What do you want for your life?

LaTeeDa

My marriage reached that point, and whether you look at it as withholding sex or preferring not to have sex with a disgusting drunk, either way it didn't get him sober.

Neither did yelling at him, belittling him, ignoring him, crying, begging, or threatening to leave. (just in case you were thinking of any of those)

It's up to you to decide how you spend your time and your life.

L

best

If you don't want sex... that is one thing.
If you are using it as a tool... Well I have only seen it go wrong when done so.
Withhold sex and many times you find that only one of you go without sex.

You can not force another into recovery.

Do what you need do for you and let him deal with his own issues.

splendra

The only reason for me to not have sex is because I do not want to. I have never had it to try and change anyone.

FormerDoormat

I would have cried if someone said this to me as well, and I'm not an alcoholic. Simply put, that was unkind. Shaming an alcoholic doesn't work. It causes more harm because it increases their self loathing. Withholding sex doesn't work, either. That's another blow to his self esteem.

Alanon has helped me learn that shaming others and withholding sex and other attempts to manipulate an alcoholic into action only leads them straight to the bottle and it makes me hate myself.

I've learned a lot from Alanon, but not until I was willing to listen.

rkymtncowboy

I totally agree, I had this girl tell me she with held sex from her boyfriend and he cheated on her, does controller come to mind?. I dropped her like a hot potato. A ticking time bomb!