Peaches1_99

I have been married 9 years to my AH and I must say that at times I have chosen not to engage in sexual activity with him due to hurt feelings, lack of interest, or even the smell of the alcohol.

But, I must say, I would NEVER use sex as a tool to force his recovery. For one thing I can honestly say that NOTHING I will ever do will "force him into recovery". He has to want recovery for him, not for sex with me.

Sex to me is about intimacy, sharing something so special that you only share it with one person. It is not about his alcoholism. It's about our marriage.

My AH now is on the road to recovery. He has been since October of last year. But, not without a few relapses. But, the bottom line was he had to start for himself. Not because I didn't want to "make love" on the days I was not feeling overly loving because of the alcohol.

Just my honest opinion.

fluffyflea

There are already enough games and insanity between active co-dependants and actives A's why bother adding one more game to the equation?

Time to get out of the problem and into the solution which is recovery.

Ngaire

Lilyflower

Got to agree with what others have already said. ''Witholding sex'' sounds like manipulation to me and as for making comments to his physical appearance, I'm with FD on that too. IMHO It just sounds as though you are trying to force your AH to go into recovery by admitting 'he's become a disgusting excuse for a man, and if he still wants you, he'd better change'.???

If you want to set up a new boundary with him that when he is drunk you will not enter into sex, then thats fine and healthy. Again IMHO you may be educated in the disease but you are not so educated in the how to stop being a codependant. Control, manipulation, name calling, witholding of affection are all types of emotional abuse. A fabulous sticky used to be here before the crash that discussed these issues, and I know I was guilty of acting that way with my abf. Perhaps you still need to focus on you? Also, I wouldn't write off Al anon, for me, I have never learnt everything, I don't believe anyone is that intelligent.

Good luck with your relationship, at this point I'd be more inclined to get him to take an interest in his health than anything (yellow eyes sounds like Chirrosis of the liver, the blood isn't getting cleaned properly which will lead to all kinds of fatal problems)

Lily xxxxxxxxx

BohemiMamaof3

Are their two separate issues here or maybe not. In an average, healthy relationship I don’t think with-holding sex from your partner is ever the right thing to do except in situations of illness, but then if you‘re relationship is healthy, your partner will understand that. Sex not like some tool that partners should use to reward each other for *perceived* good behavior and punish each other for *perceived* bad behavior. Sex is a need, similar in some respects to eating, sleeping, etc., in that as humans it’s something we all need. Of course we can live without it (unlike food and sleep) but when we’re in a marriage/relationship, we’re not meant to live without it. Is supposed to be a pleasant, enjoyable part of a relationship. In a dysfunctional relationship, and that is why we’re all here, I don’t think with-holding sex to motivate recovery will work. Just like nothing works until the A is ready to want recovery for his or herself. I also think that as a co-de partner you have the right to set boundaries, and I could understand not wanting intimate relations when your partner is impaired - that sounds like a reasonable boundary. But thinking no sex will cause a person to quit drinking will not work.

shakarris

You cannot force them to do anything... withholding sex just gives them one more reason to drink more.. well it is in my case. Although he does not understand |I have zero desire to make love to somebody who has called me the most vile and vulgar names, has been falling down drunk for months now - to me I just won't with somebody who has no respect for me
he will never see my side of it - just that he isn't getting any ( his words)

I am leaving my situation but I do know that no matter what you try.. and you say you have read all you can about this disease - then you know there is nothing you can do until he wants to explore recovery

shakarris

Zak68

I don't withold it but the AW gets "frisky" when she is drunk and usually I just feign a stomach ache or take a long time coming to bed in the hopes she passes out before I get there, which is usually the case.

Growing

The al-anon program worked well for me.

That being said, I realize it is not for everyone.

I learned in al-anon how to treat the A's in my life like the human beings that they are: with love, compassion, kindness.

I also learned skills and recieved tools that I use everyday: detachment, boundaries, self-love and self-care. I was given permission to make right choices for ME. I learned what my choices were.

I can tell you.....*I did not love myself when I was abusing/humiliating/insulting the alcoholic*. I was making MYSELF sicker and sicker and sicker.......

That is what al-anon has done for me. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to share.

Growing

queenteree

I don't use withholding sex as a tool either. It wouldn't work. In fact, when my AH is a little buzzed, he is better in bed than when sober (even though he is very good). But a total drunk disgusts me. Rather than be mean (as I used to be) and tell him I won't go to bed w/a disgusting, smelly drunk . Instead I just divert his attention elsewhere and within a few minutes, he's forgotten he's even asked. Works 99% of the time.

LaTeeDa

This cracked me up! I can just imagine the scenario.

AH: "Hey, QT, how about a little nookie?"

QT: "Look, what's that over there?"

hehehe

L

Lilyflower

Terri, you crack me up! ha ha ha!!

Peaches1_99

QT: That was hilarious! I am guessing that it works though...

If my AH falls off the wagon again, I may use this "tactic".

As I said, I love my husband, I just chose not to make love to someone who isn't being very loving at the time.

Maybe I'll use the "did you hear something?"

queenteree

Peaches - trust me - try it. Once I said "did you hear something?" He said "no, what?" I said "I think there's a mouse in our ceiling, did you hear it?" He gets up, goes over there "no, I don't hear anything" Totally forgot about the sex.

Chrysalis

...I love all these posts! I wish there was a one thumbs up thanks, a two thumbs up thanks and "too funny" thanks at the bottom of each post.

I would like to comment on setting boundries. IE. No relations while under the influence. Sounds healthy and reasonable to me but.....

personally, I can't just turn it off and on that easily. I probably still am holding on to a lot of resenment but I just can't have relations/sex/make love/be intimate with someone who was hammered last night and tonight is on a "night off" aka "recoperating" aka "preparing for tomorrow night's drinkfest". It's not that simple for me.

geees poncho

I'm Tellin

member31986

thanks guys for all your comments, some taken to heart...I must tell you, my husband does not come to bed smelling like he's drunk etc. etc, He never "smells" like that at all, just minty...He has learned over the years how to disquise it quite well. As I have said, he is highly functional-if it weren't for his appearance, one would not know. He gets a little talkative when he has had his wine/beer but he tries his hardest to remain "sober" to all. Since he eats poorly and some times not at all, I often am not sure if it is just low blood sugar or drink that is making him act the way he does. Believe me, I do think of myself first and yes while I am having sex with this man, I know I do love him(I just have to close the eyes and think of the early years!). Because of his appearance, the late stages of alcohol could be around the corner if not there now. He tells me I will be "taken care of" should something happen, which I know I will but I have told him that that is not what I want and he needs to be here for me and his kids! I do know there is nothing that I can do to make him quit (even with holding sex) but I just wondered if anyone out there ever did it or not. I know I must focus on ME ME ME and my chldren and not put energy into him.(wasted energy) I have a great support group of family, faith and friends. Has anyone ever intercepted their A and forced into rehab? -with the help of others? As I said, I do worry about his health at this stage and that is where I find myself-letting go and letting God....peace

BohemiMamaof3

Our state has something called a Marchman Act that my mom and I filed on my Abrother. He was hospitalized many times within several months due to alcohol-related illness, and every time he was discharged he would drink himself sick and go to another ER so that he wasn’t always at the same hospital. Finally one of his Drs agreed to it and also signed on this.

We also a family intervention a few years before that.

Peaches1_99

Member: Have you researched inpatient treatment programs? That is the first step. If you do an intervention, you need to have somewhere for the A to go. Once you have found a facility, many times they will be able to refer you to a interventionist. I was lucky enough not to hire a professional, but did an intervention with a few family members and my spouse. It took a day for what we said to sink it and I had to take him directly to the facility at 7:00 am during one of those "I'll never drink again" moments.

I will say a prayer for you and your family.

horizon42

personally, I can't just turn it off and on that easily. I probably still am holding on to a lot of resenment but I just can't have relations/sex/make love/be intimate with someone who was hammered last night and tonight is on a "night off" aka "recoperating" aka "preparing for tomorrow night's drinkfest". It's not that simple for me.[/QUOTE]

I can totally relate to this. My AH is also high functioning and at the moment is trying to have more control over his drinking. He’s laid back seems like the nicest guy and not abusive. He knows I’ve changed some of my behavior since I began al-Anon but he has yet to ask me anything about it. Lots of avoidance. One of the boundaries I’ve set is no sex or discissions if he’s had drinks. The problem is that since he began his current job 5 years ago he under a lot more stress (sales) and asks for favors for stress release. In the past I’ve felt obligated as his stay at home wife to accommodate even though I feel no real emotional connection to him anymore. Although I can’t say we had a strong connection ever as he’s been an alcoholic since before I met him. I’ve learned since I’ve been going to a counselor and a-Anon that he probably never learned HOW to have an adult, mutually respectful loving supportive relationship. Anyway, I’m stuck right now because I don’t ever feel like having sex because we’re not close! I feel very used and resentful and Am having a hard time feeling love for him.

golfreggie

Ditto, and I love your signature geees

CentralOhioDad

Friends, this thread is 10 years old.

Maybe start a new thread?