nowinsituation

I have been reading the book "Codependency Sucks" by Linda Meyerholz. The following bit about the "never-angry-partner" really opened my eyes. This is what has been going on in my relationship for years!!! Maybe some of you can relate as well:

In her book, Intimate Partners, Maggie Scarf discusses couples in which one partner is never angry. The never-angry-partner has somehow, somewhere disavowed his feelings of anger and projects them onto his intimate partner. The never-angry-partner will push a button somewhere in the intimate partner and an explosion of anger pours out of the intimate partner. The angry partner is acting out the emotion of anger for both. Both get release but only the "actor" looks crazy and unstrung. This is what I call emotional rape. The non-angry codependent pushes buttons by breaking promises, lying, giving the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, and other passive-aggressive behaviors.

In the beginning of this type of codependent relationship, the pattern is clear. When all the anger is spent, the never-angry-partner promises and comforts the "actor". The "actor" believes the non-angry-partner. All returns to sweetness and light until the "actor" once again realizes that nothing has changed and the never-angry-partner is once again pushing the buttons.

Such a relationship is codependent because the never-angry-partner must have the release that comes through his partner's rage. The never-angry-partners connect with emotion through their intimate partners. This gives them an artificial feeling of connectedness to emotion. What they are really doing is draining the spirit energy of those who are in a relationship with them. Eventually the actor will leave the relationship, go crazy, or die.

Here's the cycle -- I blow up, he's sorry, he promises to change, kiss & make up, nothing changes, pretend like everything's OK, I blow up again!!!! Of course, he is a saint because he never gets upset about anything!

Zak68

Coming from the standpoint of the never angry person which fits me I can see some of this in me yet it doesn't fit perfectly.

My angry partner blows up over small things. Why didn't I help with dishes? Well, sitting on couch with kids. I work 2 jobs and they wanted my attention. Previous deal was person who made dinner doesn't clean.

Next couple of days I cook and clean yet angry asks is kitchen clean she doesn't want to see a mess yet she made no effort to clean and left dishes on counter, couldn't even put in dishwasher on her own.

I think my angry partner enjoys the drama and uses her self-made stress as a personal excuse to drink. Me I have never let things work me up I don't believe in yelling where rational talk can achieve more. Have I used my non-angry stance in the past to rile her? Yes I am afraid to admit. Do I do it any more? Nope, I learned I was just empowering her that way.

Lilyflower

Have you made any boundaries concerning certain behaviours? It struck me when reading your post that if you have boundaries in place and are living by them, the cycle of...

will not be able to continue.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes. You cannot change him, so how are you making changes for yourself?

Lily xxxxxxxxxx

hadenoughnow

My STBX is the master at this sort of passive agressive "who? me? I haven't done anything wrong" stuff. They think that no one notices their anti social, inconsiderate behaviour so YOU look like a nut job nag. What I found was that when I opened up to others they understood why I was so angry with him, no one who REALLY knows him sees him as this great guy he thinks he is.

My 13 year old son put it best "he always has to make you the bad guy mom"

I've stopped playing the game (though I do slip sometimes).

nowinsituation

Lily - As for me -- I have left the relationship. I know it takes two to play the game. . . on the next page the book clarifies this "There are thousands of scenarios where one partner does all of a behavior in a relationship and there is no counterbalancing contribution from the other partner. It is important to note that both partners play equal parts". It also takes two to stop the game?? I saw my choices as continuing live with him but shutting down any real communication and avoiding dealing with the normal issues that come up in a relationship (so as not to play the game); or leaving. I chose leaving.

Stellargirl

I CHOSE LEAVING ALSO, it was the healthiest way.

barb dwyer

this also explains how in a marriage - from the toutside - there's usually one partner that 'the nice one' and the other ... has all the emotionalism.

or one is really skinny and the other is huge.

one's blowing and the other stuffs.

that kind of thing.

AskingWhy

It sort of applies...I go thru the getting angry, blowing up, she promises to change, does for a couple of weeks and then boom it's right back again.

The only difference is, she gets angry with me at home, but never ever in public...and she is always pushing my buttons in public or around others...because she knows she can. That's my fault, but I feel powerless to stop it most of the time.

jfk45

My husband does this to me, he makes me look crazy while he seems like the cool calm collected one. I'm not leaving him, but I am going to copy the first post and show it to him. Jeez, I hope I don't go crazy or die though

Ugly

It's really disappointing and I came here for help. My wife sees no problem with anger.
Me? It's just not in me. So I'm her sounding board and she yells at ME and has even started calling me a "wuss" because I find the primitive obsolete emotion of anger to not have a part in my life. When our seven year old misbehaves, she hates being the only one who gets angry (I get sad) and is demanding that I be the angry one. I'm confused. Am I to turn into some angry .... HUMAN or something? Or be my good old fashioned Mr. Spockish self?
It's really dragging me down since I also feel that love and anger cannot coexist and therefore feel she no longer loves me.

coyote21

I didn't have the balls to leave, my higher power, who by the way takes excellent care of me, handeled it in the most convoluted ways imagineable. Life is GOOD.

God Bless Us all
Coyote

coyote21

Anger was the only emotion I had when I got to Alanon, well that and fear, anger was more comfortable. Now I cry all the gd time (happy tears) got to sit down to pee, must be in touch with my emotions or something! Ha.

I like it better now, lots less anger, however your wife is pissing me off! Ha ha.

God Bless us all
Coyote

Tally

Can totally relate to this...thinking back to the first couple of years we were together (before I found SR and knew nothing about codependancy) he would definately "push my buttons"...he'd be angry, snipe at me, little digs that could be denied, I'd go from perfectly content to a screaming banshy and then he'd tell me I was crazy and needed help whilst he remained perfectly calm...Geez, when I think back, I don't know how either of us survived those days....

suzieq1972

Wow! Sounds like my relationship with STBXAH.

He was never angry, I did all of the yelling and screaming. All of the screaming never got me anywhere though, he just looked at me like I was crazy.

That was a really interesting quote.




Sue