Sometimes theres a reason ...
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Join Date: May 2007
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Sometimes theres a reason ...
Well, it's been a little less than a month since The Incident of the Fridges, and it turns out that it was the single best thing that's happened in my personal recovery.
As a recovering codependent, there is a lot of information I take in with my head that does not go directly to my heart. Logical things like the three c's. Logical things like it isn't your fault, there's nothing you could have done to change things, and on and on. My hardest task has been owning what's mine.
Now, by this I don't mean admitting my own mistakes ~ I am queen of that task. I mean letting other people own their own mistakes.
Things reached a boiling point during the Fridge Incident, and suddenly my perspective and heart shifted. Why? because finally I could realize, feel, say, and get mad that other people were wrong. Thats right. Normally if anyone had challenged my motives, had told me XAH was "gracious" or well intentioned, I would have beat myself up over my inadequacies. But, at long last, I got good and pissed.
There was no good intention on X's part. Just a drunken, misguided, childish
act. There was no bad intention on my part. just an attempt to give my kids a peaceful holiday. They have to face reality the rest of the year. They have to face who their dad is the rest of the year. Anyone who believes otherwise is, simply put, wrong.
This, then, is a major life changing moment for me. Accepting the fact that I am right about something.
Along with that, I have begun to accept that many things I held in my life as "truth", have just been the misguided opinion of others! In many circumstances, for many years, I have lived in the impossible state of trying to please people who are not pleasable, to make sense of the senseless, and to justify intellectually what my heart knew was wrong.
It is extremely liberating to awaken to the fact that other people's 'stuff" is not my fault. That other people are sometimes wrong. That I have a right to imperfection, just like anyone else. I have also confronted my mother's own codependency, as the adult child of an alcoholic, and taken the quantum leap to accept the fact that she is a damaged person who has tried to pass her damage on. For 48 years I believed her opinion that she was infallible, and allowed her to control me. Now I control myself. And I can live in the knowledge that she will never be happy, no matter what I do, because her issues are not about me.
So, to those who chose to discourage rather than encourage me, I send thanks. It was just what I needed at this stage of the journey to push me to the next level. Now I truly can let go, because I am able to draw a line between other people's stuff and my own.
For the first time in nearly twenty years I can say I did the best I could. Was I perfect? No, I'm a codie. Was I always right? No, I'm a codie. But I was not the addict, I was not the abuser. I did not create him. He goes on without me. I can at last trust my judgment without doubt.
Right now I need to focus on myself, getting to know who I am without falling back on my mother's opinions or my role as wife to an A. Someday I may have something to offer someone starting the journey. But for now, I need to stop worrying about everything but me and the kids.
It's taken forever, but peace has come at last!
As a recovering codependent, there is a lot of information I take in with my head that does not go directly to my heart. Logical things like the three c's. Logical things like it isn't your fault, there's nothing you could have done to change things, and on and on. My hardest task has been owning what's mine.
Now, by this I don't mean admitting my own mistakes ~ I am queen of that task. I mean letting other people own their own mistakes.
Things reached a boiling point during the Fridge Incident, and suddenly my perspective and heart shifted. Why? because finally I could realize, feel, say, and get mad that other people were wrong. Thats right. Normally if anyone had challenged my motives, had told me XAH was "gracious" or well intentioned, I would have beat myself up over my inadequacies. But, at long last, I got good and pissed.
There was no good intention on X's part. Just a drunken, misguided, childish
act. There was no bad intention on my part. just an attempt to give my kids a peaceful holiday. They have to face reality the rest of the year. They have to face who their dad is the rest of the year. Anyone who believes otherwise is, simply put, wrong.
This, then, is a major life changing moment for me. Accepting the fact that I am right about something.
Along with that, I have begun to accept that many things I held in my life as "truth", have just been the misguided opinion of others! In many circumstances, for many years, I have lived in the impossible state of trying to please people who are not pleasable, to make sense of the senseless, and to justify intellectually what my heart knew was wrong.
It is extremely liberating to awaken to the fact that other people's 'stuff" is not my fault. That other people are sometimes wrong. That I have a right to imperfection, just like anyone else. I have also confronted my mother's own codependency, as the adult child of an alcoholic, and taken the quantum leap to accept the fact that she is a damaged person who has tried to pass her damage on. For 48 years I believed her opinion that she was infallible, and allowed her to control me. Now I control myself. And I can live in the knowledge that she will never be happy, no matter what I do, because her issues are not about me.
So, to those who chose to discourage rather than encourage me, I send thanks. It was just what I needed at this stage of the journey to push me to the next level. Now I truly can let go, because I am able to draw a line between other people's stuff and my own.
For the first time in nearly twenty years I can say I did the best I could. Was I perfect? No, I'm a codie. Was I always right? No, I'm a codie. But I was not the addict, I was not the abuser. I did not create him. He goes on without me. I can at last trust my judgment without doubt.
Right now I need to focus on myself, getting to know who I am without falling back on my mother's opinions or my role as wife to an A. Someday I may have something to offer someone starting the journey. But for now, I need to stop worrying about everything but me and the kids.
It's taken forever, but peace has come at last!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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I don't have to believe that another person is wrong for me to be right, for me.
I have come to value everyone's opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest is great for me because I don't have to stay in any anger over another's "wrong." I've also lived long enough now to understand that a year from now something I felt was wrong may end up being right. It is what it is.
In my life, right/wrong, good/bad, childish/mature - it's just not that black and white.
Take care.
I have come to value everyone's opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest is great for me because I don't have to stay in any anger over another's "wrong." I've also lived long enough now to understand that a year from now something I felt was wrong may end up being right. It is what it is.
In my life, right/wrong, good/bad, childish/mature - it's just not that black and white.
Take care.
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Ahh, and by the same token I have learned that what I tolerated from X a year ago is not what I have to tolerate now. That what was acceptable a year ago is no longer acceptable. That life is not lived exclusively in shades of grey. That there are times when wrong/inappropriate behaviors are nothing more than that. That choices made under the influence can indeed be wrong. That my remaining silent, allowing him to impose his behaviors on the family, caused me to live in anger. That by naming the behavior, setting a boundary and giving the consequences back to him, I can, and have, let go of the anger towards the behavior, and learned to feel pity for him for making the choices he does.
Above all, I have learned that sometimes it is black and white. And that sometimes people get so swept away by their own lives and recovery experiences, they become single minded, and want everyone else to share their journey.
That is what isn't black and white.
Above all, I have learned that sometimes it is black and white. And that sometimes people get so swept away by their own lives and recovery experiences, they become single minded, and want everyone else to share their journey.
That is what isn't black and white.
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Originally Posted by denny57 
I don't have to believe that another person is wrong for me to be right, for me.
Also, I think one of the hardest things in the world is being a parent. And being a recovering codepedent makes it even harder. The really tough part for me has been allowing my children their hurts, disappointments, and pain. I can't take it away, and the rescuer in me sure wants to. Their dad let them down big time last weekend because, even though he is a recovering alcoholic, he still has many of the traits. It hurt me that they were hurting and my first instinct was to try and make it better by laying down some rules in order to prevent the same situation happening again. But instead, I had to step back and let them process their hurt, and decide on their own boundaries. They did great! And all I had to do was be there for them and validate their feelings. Wow!
I wish I could prevent any bad thing from ever happening to them, but even if I could and did, I would be preventing them from growing.
L
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Originally Posted by guineapigjude
So, to those who chose to discourage rather than encourage me, I send thanks.
L
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When I originally posted, I was asking for opinions as to how to make the situation easier for my kids. I understand that people have differing opinions. what I don't understand is why my X'Ah's actions were "gracious" when he had opted to lie to me about the gifts he gave the kids. Clearly, if his intentions were good, he would have simply said "I bought them mini fridges" and we would have worked it out. But he chose to lie to me. In fact, when we all lived together in our house, there were many things I considered appropriate for kids rooms that XAH wouldn't allow, for most of the reasons they couldn't have the fridges.
Clearly, when someone chooses to lie in this case, there is a reason. Since we split I have never once denied him access to the kids or criticized anything he has bought them or done with them. There was no reason for him to lie, other than the fact that he knew the gift was inappropriate.
Historically, XAH has done his Christmas shopping while high/intoxicated. In all liklihood he bought the fridges while he was high. When I asked him after the fact (I had him store the fridges til the kids can use them) why he chose to lie, his answer was "I thought it would be fun."
As he also thought it would be fun to mislead the kids into thinking they were getting TVs, Christmas morning was a disappointment. They did not find the fridges "cool", nor are they "the rage" with kids in this area. They were confused as to why he would buy them fridges, and as to why he would mislead them.
Forearmed is forewarned. They were hurt, confused, and disappointed. But I had them open Dad's gift first, so they were able to focus on other appropriate gifts and on being with their family.
Dad, of course, did not see them or call them on Christmas. Again, his choice.
Clearly, when someone chooses to lie in this case, there is a reason. Since we split I have never once denied him access to the kids or criticized anything he has bought them or done with them. There was no reason for him to lie, other than the fact that he knew the gift was inappropriate.
Historically, XAH has done his Christmas shopping while high/intoxicated. In all liklihood he bought the fridges while he was high. When I asked him after the fact (I had him store the fridges til the kids can use them) why he chose to lie, his answer was "I thought it would be fun."
As he also thought it would be fun to mislead the kids into thinking they were getting TVs, Christmas morning was a disappointment. They did not find the fridges "cool", nor are they "the rage" with kids in this area. They were confused as to why he would buy them fridges, and as to why he would mislead them.
Forearmed is forewarned. They were hurt, confused, and disappointed. But I had them open Dad's gift first, so they were able to focus on other appropriate gifts and on being with their family.
Dad, of course, did not see them or call them on Christmas. Again, his choice.
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Absolutely! And different, sometimes tough opinions are very important. I am just trying to give some cautionary advice myself, that some people don't want to hear. We should choose our words carefully and respect the other person's journey. What is your truth is not necessarily mine. While the majority of SR posters are raging codependents, there are times when it's about the A, pure and simple.
As to me and anger with A? This has all brought it home for me. How can I be angry at a child? I am sorry for him, I wish him the best, and I pray someday he'll get the help he needs. But there will be no more fridges at the door step. It isn't our job to appease him.
As to me and anger with A? This has all brought it home for me. How can I be angry at a child? I am sorry for him, I wish him the best, and I pray someday he'll get the help he needs. But there will be no more fridges at the door step. It isn't our job to appease him.
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When I feel an overwhelming urge to tell others that they were wrong I need to step back and examine my motives. Is this an attempt to manipulate or control others? Is this an attempt to make them feel badly about themselves? Does my criticism of others make me feel better about myself?
I'm all for building one's self esteem. But attempts to build self esteem at the expense of others is not an esteem building exercise. It's manipulation.
When I attempt to tell others they were wrong in the form of a thank-you note, what I'm really doing is trying to find a nice way of saying something that's not so nice.
I'm all for building one's self esteem. But attempts to build self esteem at the expense of others is not an esteem building exercise. It's manipulation.
When I attempt to tell others they were wrong in the form of a thank-you note, what I'm really doing is trying to find a nice way of saying something that's not so nice.
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GPJ, you touched on so many topics, on areas of personal growth. I think I've read your post three times now. Let me see if I understand. When you were young, you accepted things your parents said as "absolute truths." Then when you were married, you accepted what your husband said as "absolute truths." Then you came to SR, listened to what people had to say on here, and the same thing happened. But through the Fridge Incident, you discovered that you were your own woman and would decide on your own what works for YOU and what your ABSOLUTE TRUTHS were. Am I understanding this correctly? If so, I can definitely relate!
When I divorced, right or wrong, I had to find what I personally believe in. In fact I told my daughter this yesterday after an argument. As an adult I can't always sit on the fence, I need to be decisive about what I believe in. I might have waffled on whether my daughter could stay out until 1 a.m., but there were some things that I did not waver on, because they were part of my core beliefs.
Like you said, I'm not going to apologize for my beliefs. Just the same I'm going to trust my own belief system over anything anyone says on here. Like the whole "codie" term. That is a term that I categorically reject for myself, after a thorough self-examination. Now ... I may find in the future that my core beliefs change, and I'm willing to accept that change. But it won't happen just because someone told me I'm wrong. I'll figure that out on my own. I hope this makes sense GPJ!
When I divorced, right or wrong, I had to find what I personally believe in. In fact I told my daughter this yesterday after an argument. As an adult I can't always sit on the fence, I need to be decisive about what I believe in. I might have waffled on whether my daughter could stay out until 1 a.m., but there were some things that I did not waver on, because they were part of my core beliefs.
Like you said, I'm not going to apologize for my beliefs. Just the same I'm going to trust my own belief system over anything anyone says on here. Like the whole "codie" term. That is a term that I categorically reject for myself, after a thorough self-examination. Now ... I may find in the future that my core beliefs change, and I'm willing to accept that change. But it won't happen just because someone told me I'm wrong. I'll figure that out on my own. I hope this makes sense GPJ!
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Hi ((((Jude))))
I'm glad your here right now, i've missed you here and your very helpful advice and support. I"m so glad you got through the holidays and stood your ground. Sounds like your doing very well. I sent CBrown my info for you
Your certainly missed here and i hope to talk to you soon to catch up.
:ghug3
I'm glad your here right now, i've missed you here and your very helpful advice and support. I"m so glad you got through the holidays and stood your ground. Sounds like your doing very well. I sent CBrown my info for you
Your certainly missed here and i hope to talk to you soon to catch up.:ghug3
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Does your criticism of others make you feel better about yourself?
Having an differing opinion isn't a form of criticism.
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
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Why not let's stick to the positive growth seen in this thread, and not degrade it into a pissing contest? 
We're all here to support each other. Some of us have different paths as we climb the mountain of recovery. A bit of understanding of that fact, combined with a bit of compassion, can go a very long way.
And that's what we're all about here, at SR. Support of each other in our growth.
Shalom!
We're all here to support each other. Some of us have different paths as we climb the mountain of recovery. A bit of understanding of that fact, combined with a bit of compassion, can go a very long way.
And that's what we're all about here, at SR. Support of each other in our growth.
Shalom!
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Thank you, historyteach, my point exactly ... support, different paths, understanding, and compassion.
I work with teenagers, mostly kids who are troubled or who have a diagnosed learning disability. The first things we keep in mind when dealing with them are precisely the things that historyteach mentioned. We also learn to throw away preconceived notions and textbook categorizations. Above all, we remember that how we chose to interact with a student, particularly in crisis, may prove to be a defining moment in their lives.
Thanks to all, including those with differing opinions. We all have lessons to offer, but perhaps they are not the lessons we intended to share.
I work with teenagers, mostly kids who are troubled or who have a diagnosed learning disability. The first things we keep in mind when dealing with them are precisely the things that historyteach mentioned. We also learn to throw away preconceived notions and textbook categorizations. Above all, we remember that how we chose to interact with a student, particularly in crisis, may prove to be a defining moment in their lives.
Thanks to all, including those with differing opinions. We all have lessons to offer, but perhaps they are not the lessons we intended to share.
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Every time these threads happen here, I am struck by one thing. There are those who speak in the "I," and those who speak in the "we." When I start talking in the "we," I am trying to control others. It truly is that simple to me.
One of the most valuable things I've learned in my own personal journey is that I can try every day to offer support, understanding and compassion. But no one else can define for me what that is. Everyone shows it in their own way. That's why it's best I practice it in my own way - and if I expect it from others, I need to offer it myself.
One of the most valuable things I've learned in my own personal journey is that I can try every day to offer support, understanding and compassion. But no one else can define for me what that is. Everyone shows it in their own way. That's why it's best I practice it in my own way - and if I expect it from others, I need to offer it myself.
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