help please, I am sinking fast
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
help please, I am sinking fast
Oh gawd I am sinking. Like a dead bloody weight. I hate this tim e of year at the best of times but I feel so hemmed in by the depression that I can't move. I am sat here at this pc as the alternative is to try and interact with my kids but I just can't do it. Just seeing them reminds me of how inadequate I feel and how I cannot get through another day feeling as I do. The whole anxiety of living, surviving is getting to me big style and I see no end. The day stretches endlessly ahead until I can get to my bed again. I have no supports. All my supports are on holiday or ill. I see no one til the 3rd. Even my car which is my saviour as it gets me out of this box and takes me away for a while is broken.
I can't see how to get through today, tomorrow etc but I know I have to. I take my medications but to what end? I still feel like hell. I don't see the point in that. I can't function properly, I can't even think of the most basic tasks of living such as eating and heck I have just remembered I haven't given my eldest her breakfast yet.
How do I do it? How do I get through each day until bedtime and still manage to care for my children too? I have just replied on another forum to someone with children and I am a bloody hyppocrite as I am so close to the edge. But what to do at the edge? I can't leave them untended but someone else would be so much better than me at looking after them.
I have a husband but he is away working and I can't get him to come home. He has already taken time off cos of me and my illness. When he does get home, he won't be much help. He is good with the kids, I mean it won't help to lift this horrid horrid sinking.
How do I keep sight? How do I stop myself from feeling so bad that I want to take all my meds at once? I don't even have that option any more as I am on 'safe' meds and the only other way I have thought of that I want to go I need my bloody car for.
I am such a **** mum. I haven't even managed to enjoy Christmas. How selfish is that? Why is it so hard to see a way out of even just today never mind the depression? When do we reach the end of our tether? I love them so so so much but just feel so inept
Hippy
I can't see how to get through today, tomorrow etc but I know I have to. I take my medications but to what end? I still feel like hell. I don't see the point in that. I can't function properly, I can't even think of the most basic tasks of living such as eating and heck I have just remembered I haven't given my eldest her breakfast yet.
How do I do it? How do I get through each day until bedtime and still manage to care for my children too? I have just replied on another forum to someone with children and I am a bloody hyppocrite as I am so close to the edge. But what to do at the edge? I can't leave them untended but someone else would be so much better than me at looking after them.
I have a husband but he is away working and I can't get him to come home. He has already taken time off cos of me and my illness. When he does get home, he won't be much help. He is good with the kids, I mean it won't help to lift this horrid horrid sinking.
How do I keep sight? How do I stop myself from feeling so bad that I want to take all my meds at once? I don't even have that option any more as I am on 'safe' meds and the only other way I have thought of that I want to go I need my bloody car for.
I am such a **** mum. I haven't even managed to enjoy Christmas. How selfish is that? Why is it so hard to see a way out of even just today never mind the depression? When do we reach the end of our tether? I love them so so so much but just feel so inept
Hippy
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hey Hippy -
take a breath, hon.
ok.
now take another one.
there ya go.
we're here.
This is (you're right) a TERRIBLE time of year.
And of course it's the weekend - and if where you are is like the USA, there's nobody professional you can call right now.
I get those feelings , too ... the 'why am I bothering with this?" feelings.
they're just that ... feelings.
YOU .. are not your thoughts.
YOU .. are not your feelings.
YOU .. are the THINKER .. of your thoughts.
Might wanna breathe again.
PM me if you want.
****************** hug}}}}}}}}}
take a breath, hon.
ok.
now take another one.
there ya go.
we're here.
This is (you're right) a TERRIBLE time of year.
And of course it's the weekend - and if where you are is like the USA, there's nobody professional you can call right now.
I get those feelings , too ... the 'why am I bothering with this?" feelings.
they're just that ... feelings.
YOU .. are not your thoughts.
YOU .. are not your feelings.
YOU .. are the THINKER .. of your thoughts.
Might wanna breathe again.
PM me if you want.
****************** hug}}}}}}}}}
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((Hippy)))
Suicide Helplines UK and Ireland
United Kingdom
08457 90 90 90
The Samaritans
Befrienders Worldwide
Use these resources if you need to.
Tell your doctor that the med plan you have isn't working. You shouldn't be feeling this bad, still. It takes time to find the right combination of meds for your conditions; Jenna can give you more information there. But, you can feel better! Take the steps you need to do so.
Shalom!
Suicide Helplines UK and Ireland
United Kingdom
08457 90 90 90
The Samaritans
Befrienders Worldwide
Use these resources if you need to.
Tell your doctor that the med plan you have isn't working. You shouldn't be feeling this bad, still. It takes time to find the right combination of meds for your conditions; Jenna can give you more information there. But, you can feel better! Take the steps you need to do so.
Shalom!
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
well, you've just described how i've felt lately too!!
here i've been doing ECT treatments to try to keep myself from sinking into my 3rd major depressive episode and yet i don't ever remember being this suicidal. everything seems too hard. my sister said she'd be at my house at 4:30 p.m. to pick me up yesterday for me to stay the weekend with her and by 4:40 p.m. i was in total panic mode and shaking from head-to-toe when she hadn't arrived yet....i was thinking of ending it and how i'd do it b/c i knew i couldn't make it through the weekend without a car, money, phone, computer, television, friends, or much of anything else.
and then she pulled around the corner about 2 minutes later.
i wanted to grab her, hug her and kiss her feet.
all i could do was cry and shake and tell her "bless you for showing up"
the only suggestions i have are this:
1. journal, journal and journal some more (it will keep u busy when the kids arn't and helps release emotions....really...it's sometimes better than one-on-one therapy)
2. try to think of anything you might enjoy doing that could keep you occupied: reading, knitting, organizing something, charting family heritage, family photo album....anything.
3. keep an eye on yourself and go to the ER if you get in crisis mode. I promise...hubby will find a way to come home and help with kids if he realizes you are having the kind of thoughts that he could lose you forever to.
4. Remember that nothing ever stays the same...that's a promise.
5. Stop beating yourself up! Think about it...the things you tell yourself ....you know...all those negative things like "I am such a **** mum." Would you ever say that to a friend? Co-worker? Is there anyone you care about who you could look in the eyes and say that to and in the horrific tone you say it to yourself also????? NO WAY!!!!!! Just for today....try treating yourself like a co-worker. Then tomorrow....try treating yourself like a friend all day. Then the next day....treat yourself like your best friend all day. Then like your sister the next day, then mom, grandmom....you get the idea. DO THIS FOR 7 DAYS. Write who you are that day on the back of your hand...so it can serve as a constant reminder to ONLY talk to yourself how you would talk to that person....for the entire day.
I PROMISE it will make you feel better!!!
In fact, I'm going to do it myself starting today!!
hugs,
jenna
here i've been doing ECT treatments to try to keep myself from sinking into my 3rd major depressive episode and yet i don't ever remember being this suicidal. everything seems too hard. my sister said she'd be at my house at 4:30 p.m. to pick me up yesterday for me to stay the weekend with her and by 4:40 p.m. i was in total panic mode and shaking from head-to-toe when she hadn't arrived yet....i was thinking of ending it and how i'd do it b/c i knew i couldn't make it through the weekend without a car, money, phone, computer, television, friends, or much of anything else.
and then she pulled around the corner about 2 minutes later.
i wanted to grab her, hug her and kiss her feet.
all i could do was cry and shake and tell her "bless you for showing up"
the only suggestions i have are this:
1. journal, journal and journal some more (it will keep u busy when the kids arn't and helps release emotions....really...it's sometimes better than one-on-one therapy)
2. try to think of anything you might enjoy doing that could keep you occupied: reading, knitting, organizing something, charting family heritage, family photo album....anything.
3. keep an eye on yourself and go to the ER if you get in crisis mode. I promise...hubby will find a way to come home and help with kids if he realizes you are having the kind of thoughts that he could lose you forever to.
4. Remember that nothing ever stays the same...that's a promise.
5. Stop beating yourself up! Think about it...the things you tell yourself ....you know...all those negative things like "I am such a **** mum." Would you ever say that to a friend? Co-worker? Is there anyone you care about who you could look in the eyes and say that to and in the horrific tone you say it to yourself also????? NO WAY!!!!!! Just for today....try treating yourself like a co-worker. Then tomorrow....try treating yourself like a friend all day. Then the next day....treat yourself like your best friend all day. Then like your sister the next day, then mom, grandmom....you get the idea. DO THIS FOR 7 DAYS. Write who you are that day on the back of your hand...so it can serve as a constant reminder to ONLY talk to yourself how you would talk to that person....for the entire day.
I PROMISE it will make you feel better!!!
In fact, I'm going to do it myself starting today!!
hugs,
jenna
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
Thanks for your replies. My mum came and now she is gone. Hubby is home. I suppose I am 'safe' but why do I feel so resentful of it? Earlier today, my mum and I just walked to the local shops and all the way there, I planned my exit. I had it all so clear in my mind, the wording of the letter and everything. Nothing is touching me, it just goes straight through me like I am an emotional straw. All I can think about is me me me.
Jenna sunshine, your advice is great but I feel I don't deserve it as I am not acting upon it.
I just can't see me getting through this holiday period. I am supposed to be entertaining visitors in a couple of days which feels mammoth and huge and I don't know how I can manage but I can't manage to cancel either. I know I am like a broken down record, I am sorry. I am also supposed to be going back to work in 9 days. Everything is just too big and too difficult to contemplate.
hippy
Jenna sunshine, your advice is great but I feel I don't deserve it as I am not acting upon it.
I just can't see me getting through this holiday period. I am supposed to be entertaining visitors in a couple of days which feels mammoth and huge and I don't know how I can manage but I can't manage to cancel either. I know I am like a broken down record, I am sorry. I am also supposed to be going back to work in 9 days. Everything is just too big and too difficult to contemplate.
hippy
On The Bus
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 484
Originally Posted by hippyhippy 
Thanks for your replies. My mum came and now she is gone. Hubby is home. I suppose I am 'safe' but why do I feel so resentful of it?
Maybe because you are angry. Just a guess. I understand though. Sometimes I feel so strong, and other days I can barely get out the house.
Who doesnt want to feel better and have no cares?? Sometimes I have to force myself to help other people so I will just get out of my friggin head.
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
Hi,
sorry, shoulda kept posting. I am here. Hanging by a rusty nail but here. Yesterday spoke to my crises team but there is little they can do for me. I just need it to be a week from now and this all be over. I hate this time of year so so so much but it has never been as bad as this. Even sleep which is always my last saviour is evading me. I usually know that when I get to bed at least I can put the worries away until tomorrow but now I am not sleeping, and then eventually when meds do work, i waken with the dreads in the pit of my stomach and fear of the inevitable day ahead.
I can't face having to stay up til past midninght tonight and possibly speak to neighbours. Tomorrow I am entertaining family and it is just all too much, the following day I will be on my own with kids as hubby will get drunk tomorrow and then be in bed all day on 2nd.
Wish me strength please as I really need it. For the present I am taking meds to calm me down.
Hippy
sorry, shoulda kept posting. I am here. Hanging by a rusty nail but here. Yesterday spoke to my crises team but there is little they can do for me. I just need it to be a week from now and this all be over. I hate this time of year so so so much but it has never been as bad as this. Even sleep which is always my last saviour is evading me. I usually know that when I get to bed at least I can put the worries away until tomorrow but now I am not sleeping, and then eventually when meds do work, i waken with the dreads in the pit of my stomach and fear of the inevitable day ahead.
I can't face having to stay up til past midninght tonight and possibly speak to neighbours. Tomorrow I am entertaining family and it is just all too much, the following day I will be on my own with kids as hubby will get drunk tomorrow and then be in bed all day on 2nd.
Wish me strength please as I really need it. For the present I am taking meds to calm me down.
Hippy
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Hippie, I admire your resilance. It takes a lot of courage and strength to manage what you are. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Check in when you can and let us know how you are doing.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Glad to hear you are making it through, Hippy!
Do what you can, and don't be afraid to excuse yourself if you need to. Get some exercise, to raise the endorphine level in the brain naturally if you can. It will also help you to sleep provided you do it before three hours before bedtime! LOL! Watch a schmaltzy movie and cry good tears. It's releasing. I cried all during the Sound of Music last night, lol!
In short, do some things that are good for YOU. It's ok to think of yourself, even during these hectic holiday times...
Keep in touch and let us know how it's going...
Shalom!
Do what you can, and don't be afraid to excuse yourself if you need to. Get some exercise, to raise the endorphine level in the brain naturally if you can. It will also help you to sleep provided you do it before three hours before bedtime! LOL! Watch a schmaltzy movie and cry good tears. It's releasing. I cried all during the Sound of Music last night, lol!
In short, do some things that are good for YOU. It's ok to think of yourself, even during these hectic holiday times... Keep in touch and let us know how it's going...
Shalom!
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
Hi,
my morning time here! well...9.50am.
I am improving. The worst of my anticipatory anx inducing events is over.
I had the family for dinner yesterday and my father in law got expectedly drunk and abusive with my sis in law who was uncharacteristically calm, he cussed and swore frequently in front of my children, he fell asleep in the bathroom then fell in the bath...getting abusive with me and hubby for lifting him out.
My sis in law kept on trying to get me in a confidential natter to ask me 'what is REALLY wrong with you?' (in laws don't know the extent of my illness....they think I am just a bit work stressed) She professes that she is not letting the matter drop.
So.......that is over, done. I don't have to worry about that any more until 2009.
While the morning dreads are still here, they are nowhere near as bad as they have been. The thoughts of self harm are still there but they feel more like thoughts than plans now.
Thank you so much for being here for me when I was in such a state.:ghug2
I have a psychiatric nurse coming to see me in a couple of days to talk over all these feelings and help me maybe make plans for when I hit crises points like this.
Hippy
my morning time here! well...9.50am.
I am improving. The worst of my anticipatory anx inducing events is over.
I had the family for dinner yesterday and my father in law got expectedly drunk and abusive with my sis in law who was uncharacteristically calm, he cussed and swore frequently in front of my children, he fell asleep in the bathroom then fell in the bath...getting abusive with me and hubby for lifting him out.
My sis in law kept on trying to get me in a confidential natter to ask me 'what is REALLY wrong with you?' (in laws don't know the extent of my illness....they think I am just a bit work stressed) She professes that she is not letting the matter drop.
So.......that is over, done. I don't have to worry about that any more until 2009.
While the morning dreads are still here, they are nowhere near as bad as they have been. The thoughts of self harm are still there but they feel more like thoughts than plans now.
Thank you so much for being here for me when I was in such a state.:ghug2
I have a psychiatric nurse coming to see me in a couple of days to talk over all these feelings and help me maybe make plans for when I hit crises points like this.
Hippy
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Glad to hear the worst is over and the nurse is coming to help you plan for crisis times. Good for you!
Do you trust your sis in law? If so, she may just be a good advocate for you to have on your side.
Wishing you the best.
Remember 2008 is gonna be GREAT!!!
Shalom!
Do you trust your sis in law? If so, she may just be a good advocate for you to have on your side.
Wishing you the best.
Remember 2008 is gonna be GREAT!!!
Shalom!
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
I have asked to go into hospital. The sinking came back at treble speed accompanied with suicidal idealisation which felt like a religious understanding. I have managed to hold on to enough clarity to realise that this is not right, I should not be thinking like this, even if it is nice. I am sitting waiting here just now to hear if I am going in or not. If you don't hear from me for a few days, that is why.
Hippy
Hippy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hippy,
I don't know you, but I can tell you I see a woman of incredible strength even if you don't right now. Fight, fight, fight for yourself, dear lady. You deserve much more and I believe you will have it in the future. It takes amazing strength to keep reaching out to others instead of sinking away, do you know that? There are survivors in this life, ones who keep on trying when everything around them is trying to pull them under. You are a swimmer, Hippy, don't doubt that about yourself, and You Can Do It. And I love your name! I am a stranger saying a BIG prayer for you right now, and I hope you can feel my love for your fighting spirit through this forum.
I don't know you, but I can tell you I see a woman of incredible strength even if you don't right now. Fight, fight, fight for yourself, dear lady. You deserve much more and I believe you will have it in the future. It takes amazing strength to keep reaching out to others instead of sinking away, do you know that? There are survivors in this life, ones who keep on trying when everything around them is trying to pull them under. You are a swimmer, Hippy, don't doubt that about yourself, and You Can Do It. And I love your name! I am a stranger saying a BIG prayer for you right now, and I hope you can feel my love for your fighting spirit through this forum.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((hippy)))
My thoughts and prayers are with you...
Thanks for letting us know...
Welcome, amilo. Thanks for your imput!
Peaceteach, it's a pleasure to have you join us here!
Hippy, you know we're waiting for you to let us know how you're doing. The chair is warm, and the coffee and cheesecake is fresh!
Shalom, my friend!
My thoughts and prayers are with you...
Thanks for letting us know...
Welcome, amilo. Thanks for your imput!
Peaceteach, it's a pleasure to have you join us here!
Hippy, you know we're waiting for you to let us know how you're doing. The chair is warm, and the coffee and cheesecake is fresh!
Shalom, my friend!
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