is it possable?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I don't have any first-hand experience, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
I have heard the only way it can be done is if you accept the other person exactly as they are without any expectation that they will ever change. If you can do that, you are much stronger than me.
Oh, and I assume it would be absolutely neccessary to have strong boundaries.
L
I have heard the only way it can be done is if you accept the other person exactly as they are without any expectation that they will ever change. If you can do that, you are much stronger than me.Oh, and I assume it would be absolutely neccessary to have strong boundaries.
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4
It is possible - some people can do it for years and even decades. It takes a lot of boundaries and trust. Also patience with yourself and the alcoholic.
L is absolutely right, you have to accept them as they are, and not cling to the hope (in excess, of course you'll want them to quite) that they will one day stop drinking to the degree that it ends the relationship.
It is a very hard commitment to make as this means putting yourself through a lot of stress. Ultimately it comes down to how much you can handle and how much you care for the person - ask yourself if it is worth what you will have to live with compared to what you may lose and vice versa.
L is absolutely right, you have to accept them as they are, and not cling to the hope (in excess, of course you'll want them to quite) that they will one day stop drinking to the degree that it ends the relationship.
It is a very hard commitment to make as this means putting yourself through a lot of stress. Ultimately it comes down to how much you can handle and how much you care for the person - ask yourself if it is worth what you will have to live with compared to what you may lose and vice versa.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It wasn't possible for me either. I cannot imagine having continued to live with my active AH and all the drama, pain, lack of emotional and financial support that went along with his drinking. I decided I was worth a much better life than to just accept his drinking and slowly ruining his and my life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
The question for me was always "why" and not "how." I can learn to live with ANYTHING. But why? I decided that it didn't matter how many other good traits he had...I didn't want to live with a person who couldn't love himself and therefore couldn't love me. I didn't want to live with him and his mistress (the bottle.) I was worth more than that.
If you are trapped with him - you have no family, no friends, no money, no job, and are paralyzed from the neck down - then Al-Anon meetings often have a collection of people who have learned to cope in one way or another, usually by setting boundaries.
(But there again, I suppose if you are trapped and he crosses your boundaries, what are you going to do about it?)
I wish you luck finding the answers you're seeking
GL
If you are trapped with him - you have no family, no friends, no money, no job, and are paralyzed from the neck down - then Al-Anon meetings often have a collection of people who have learned to cope in one way or another, usually by setting boundaries.
(But there again, I suppose if you are trapped and he crosses your boundaries, what are you going to do about it?)
I wish you luck finding the answers you're seeking
GL
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
marital bliss - rubbing lavender soap on his back while he is drunk in the tub
Sorry for writing a chapter of a book here...
I lived with mine for 13 years. It was tough. I didn't realize how tough it was until I got out. I was not the mother or person God intended me to be during this time. I was a basketcase most of the time. Not able to make decisions, feeling guilt and shame more often than not and not able to receive or give true happiness.
You have to decide if you are willing to do what it takes. So, you ask how do you live with it? I never learned how. I did it very unhappily. Maybe someone will come along who has done it successfully and tell you their side of the story. Hanging out here off and on for the past four years, I will tell you those who have done it happily are far and few between.
One happy woman posted on here once that she would help her drunk husband into the tub and wash his back with warm water and lavender soap to help him feel better. HEAVENS! I would probably try to drown my AH if I got him in the tub.
This is a progressive disease, and more than likely, if they don't get sober, their alcoholism will get worse.
Once the daily drinking kicks in, morning, noon and night, things will get worse...
If you are able and willing to take care of just about everything, on your own, ,then by all means go for it! Expect nothing from him.
FINANCIALLY - jobs will be hard to keep, which means paychecks will be hard to come by. When paychecks are coming in, most of it is spent on alcohol and and anything else they desire at the time. You will more than likely need to have your own bank accounts to make sure all the bills get paid.
EMOTIONALLY - unavailable. Except when their own emotions kick in and they are crying in self pity about their drunkenness and how they wish they could stop.
GOING IT ALONE - missing many family activities, parties, kids events, family functions, etc. If you are able to find a way to be at peace with doing things without an involved spouse, then go for it!
POSSIBLE DEATH - my AH almost died three times. Once in a car accident in which he was hospitalized for 2 1/2 months and our 5 year old daughter was hospitalized for 13 days with spinal fracture, liver laceration, intestinal tear. This is a man who is a loving, kind, giving, caring man. But once the obsession of alcohol kicks in, that is all he thinks about, how, when, where can he get more. It doesn't matter that he is putting himself, his children, me or others in danger. Yes, this is a kind man, a loving man. The other two times were due to heart failure.
I eventually decided if I was going to FEEL alone, then I was going to BE alone. And I could not tolerate the alcoholism being more important than the children's safety. Yes, after the accident, he continued to drink. And eventually I trusted him again, and he drove again drunk with the children. So, I asked him to leave.
After a while, I felt at peace for the first time in many years.
So, only you can decide, are you going to want to scrub his drunken back with lavender, or would you prefer to drown him ?
Obviously, I am being a bit sarcastic. But really, only you can decide what kind of life you will have, with or without him. And, as other posters said, not how, but WHY, why accept this kind of lifestyle? love? You can love someone, but that doesn't mean you have to live with them. Find out all you can about the progressiveness of this disease and make a well informed decision.
I lived with mine for 13 years. It was tough. I didn't realize how tough it was until I got out. I was not the mother or person God intended me to be during this time. I was a basketcase most of the time. Not able to make decisions, feeling guilt and shame more often than not and not able to receive or give true happiness.
You have to decide if you are willing to do what it takes. So, you ask how do you live with it? I never learned how. I did it very unhappily. Maybe someone will come along who has done it successfully and tell you their side of the story. Hanging out here off and on for the past four years, I will tell you those who have done it happily are far and few between.
One happy woman posted on here once that she would help her drunk husband into the tub and wash his back with warm water and lavender soap to help him feel better. HEAVENS! I would probably try to drown my AH if I got him in the tub.
This is a progressive disease, and more than likely, if they don't get sober, their alcoholism will get worse.
Once the daily drinking kicks in, morning, noon and night, things will get worse...
If you are able and willing to take care of just about everything, on your own, ,then by all means go for it! Expect nothing from him.
FINANCIALLY - jobs will be hard to keep, which means paychecks will be hard to come by. When paychecks are coming in, most of it is spent on alcohol and and anything else they desire at the time. You will more than likely need to have your own bank accounts to make sure all the bills get paid.
EMOTIONALLY - unavailable. Except when their own emotions kick in and they are crying in self pity about their drunkenness and how they wish they could stop.
GOING IT ALONE - missing many family activities, parties, kids events, family functions, etc. If you are able to find a way to be at peace with doing things without an involved spouse, then go for it!
POSSIBLE DEATH - my AH almost died three times. Once in a car accident in which he was hospitalized for 2 1/2 months and our 5 year old daughter was hospitalized for 13 days with spinal fracture, liver laceration, intestinal tear. This is a man who is a loving, kind, giving, caring man. But once the obsession of alcohol kicks in, that is all he thinks about, how, when, where can he get more. It doesn't matter that he is putting himself, his children, me or others in danger. Yes, this is a kind man, a loving man. The other two times were due to heart failure.
I eventually decided if I was going to FEEL alone, then I was going to BE alone. And I could not tolerate the alcoholism being more important than the children's safety. Yes, after the accident, he continued to drink. And eventually I trusted him again, and he drove again drunk with the children. So, I asked him to leave.
After a while, I felt at peace for the first time in many years.
So, only you can decide, are you going to want to scrub his drunken back with lavender, or would you prefer to drown him ?
Obviously, I am being a bit sarcastic. But really, only you can decide what kind of life you will have, with or without him. And, as other posters said, not how, but WHY, why accept this kind of lifestyle? love? You can love someone, but that doesn't mean you have to live with them. Find out all you can about the progressiveness of this disease and make a well informed decision.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by wraybear 
Sorry for writing a chapter of a book here...
I lived with mine for 13 years. It was tough. I didn't realize how tough it was until I got out. I was not the mother or person God intended me to be during this time. I was a basketcase most of the time. Not able to make decisions, feeling guilt and shame more often than not and not able to receive or give true happiness.
You have to decide if you are willing to do what it takes. So, you ask how do you live with it? I never learned how. I did it very unhappily. Maybe someone will come along who has done it successfully and tell you their side of the story. Hanging out here off and on for the past four years, I will tell you those who have done it happily are far and few between.
One happy woman posted on here once that she would help her drunk husband into the tub and wash his back with warm water and lavender soap to help him feel better. HEAVENS! I would probably try to drown my AH if I got him in the tub.
This is a progressive disease, and more than likely, if they don't get sober, their alcoholism will get worse.
Once the daily drinking kicks in, morning, noon and night, things will get worse...
If you are able and willing to take care of just about everything, on your own, ,then by all means go for it! Expect nothing from him.
FINANCIALLY - jobs will be hard to keep, which means paychecks will be hard to come by. When paychecks are coming in, most of it is spent on alcohol and and anything else they desire at the time. You will more than likely need to have your own bank accounts to make sure all the bills get paid.
EMOTIONALLY - unavailable. Except when their own emotions kick in and they are crying in self pity about their drunkenness and how they wish they could stop.
GOING IT ALONE - missing many family activities, parties, kids events, family functions, etc. If you are able to find a way to be at peace with doing things without an involved spouse, then go for it!
POSSIBLE DEATH - my AH almost died three times. Once in a car accident in which he was hospitalized for 2 1/2 months and our 5 year old daughter was hospitalized for 13 days with spinal fracture, liver laceration, intestinal tear. This is a man who is a loving, kind, giving, caring man. But once the obsession of alcohol kicks in, that is all he thinks about, how, when, where can he get more. It doesn't matter that he is putting himself, his children, me or others in danger. Yes, this is a kind man, a loving man. The other two times were due to heart failure.
I eventually decided if I was going to FEEL alone, then I was going to BE alone. And I could not tolerate the alcoholism being more important than the children's safety. Yes, after the accident, he continued to drink. And eventually I trusted him again, and he drove again drunk with the children. So, I asked him to leave.
After a while, I felt at peace for the first time in many years.
So, only you can decide, are you going to want to scrub his drunken back with lavender, or would you prefer to drown him ?
Obviously, I am being a bit sarcastic. But really, only you can decide what kind of life you will have, with or without him. And, as other posters said, not how, but WHY, why accept this kind of lifestyle? love? You can love someone, but that doesn't mean you have to live with them. Find out all you can about the progressiveness of this disease and make a well informed decision.
I lived with mine for 13 years. It was tough. I didn't realize how tough it was until I got out. I was not the mother or person God intended me to be during this time. I was a basketcase most of the time. Not able to make decisions, feeling guilt and shame more often than not and not able to receive or give true happiness.
You have to decide if you are willing to do what it takes. So, you ask how do you live with it? I never learned how. I did it very unhappily. Maybe someone will come along who has done it successfully and tell you their side of the story. Hanging out here off and on for the past four years, I will tell you those who have done it happily are far and few between.
One happy woman posted on here once that she would help her drunk husband into the tub and wash his back with warm water and lavender soap to help him feel better. HEAVENS! I would probably try to drown my AH if I got him in the tub.
This is a progressive disease, and more than likely, if they don't get sober, their alcoholism will get worse.
Once the daily drinking kicks in, morning, noon and night, things will get worse...
If you are able and willing to take care of just about everything, on your own, ,then by all means go for it! Expect nothing from him.
FINANCIALLY - jobs will be hard to keep, which means paychecks will be hard to come by. When paychecks are coming in, most of it is spent on alcohol and and anything else they desire at the time. You will more than likely need to have your own bank accounts to make sure all the bills get paid.
EMOTIONALLY - unavailable. Except when their own emotions kick in and they are crying in self pity about their drunkenness and how they wish they could stop.
GOING IT ALONE - missing many family activities, parties, kids events, family functions, etc. If you are able to find a way to be at peace with doing things without an involved spouse, then go for it!
POSSIBLE DEATH - my AH almost died three times. Once in a car accident in which he was hospitalized for 2 1/2 months and our 5 year old daughter was hospitalized for 13 days with spinal fracture, liver laceration, intestinal tear. This is a man who is a loving, kind, giving, caring man. But once the obsession of alcohol kicks in, that is all he thinks about, how, when, where can he get more. It doesn't matter that he is putting himself, his children, me or others in danger. Yes, this is a kind man, a loving man. The other two times were due to heart failure.
I eventually decided if I was going to FEEL alone, then I was going to BE alone. And I could not tolerate the alcoholism being more important than the children's safety. Yes, after the accident, he continued to drink. And eventually I trusted him again, and he drove again drunk with the children. So, I asked him to leave.
After a while, I felt at peace for the first time in many years.
So, only you can decide, are you going to want to scrub his drunken back with lavender, or would you prefer to drown him ?
Obviously, I am being a bit sarcastic. But really, only you can decide what kind of life you will have, with or without him. And, as other posters said, not how, but WHY, why accept this kind of lifestyle? love? You can love someone, but that doesn't mean you have to live with them. Find out all you can about the progressiveness of this disease and make a well informed decision.
((())) hugs Mec, sorry your going through this. I personally couldn't stand living with an alcoholic one more minute by last Christmas and i simply told my exabf that if he wanted to continue to drink that i wasn't the girl for him. He did what he damn well pleased and i couldn't see my life like that. Stupidly i stayed longer but live and learn i guess.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
... Have you read through the 'Red flags' sticky? ...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...red-flags.html
Mike
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Originally Posted by mec
He wants to get married before he goes to prison but I am troubled by that.
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