badlybroken

Hi everyone. I have been lurking here for almost a year now and finally have enough nerve to post. My story is so similar to so many others here and tonight I am feeling a little down so I decided to share.

I have been married to an alcoholic for 10 years now. AH has always drank alot, but has always insisted, and still insists that he has no problem. We have two wonderful daughters 6 and 4.

I have a feeling that he still has a long way to go before he is willing to admit that he has a problem. He drinks daily, mostly at the bar. He is a high functioning alcoholic who has never had a DUI. He holds a decent job, never misses work, and provides financially for his family. He gets off of work around 3 pm and heads straight to the bar. He comes home after dinner, eats, picks a fight with me or the girls, and goes right to bed. On his days off, he drinks. The thing is, he rarely looks or acts drunk, so there are few consequences for his actions. Therefor, he will never learn.

I have grown numb towards him. When he is home, I am always in another room and avoid him as much as I can. I know alcoholism is a progressive disease and it appears that AH has such a long way to go before he hits bottom. I dream of the day that the girls and I no longer live with him and no longer have to worry about how he will act when he comes home. I long for companionship. He has never been physical with any of us, although he is known to yell at us at the littlest things. I am not afraid of having a house and raising the kids on my own- I do that now as AH helps with NOTHING. I am just mostly afraid how the kids would act if we seperated.

I am not one who likes change and have grown to adapt to my current situation. I am not looking for pity or looking for advice to leave- I know that I need to leave him but I am just not ready yet. What I really need from you all is support and to know that I am not the only one who is going through this. Thank you in advance.

cautious

Welcome, broken. Same story as yours, except we only have one child and AH doesn't pick fights as often.

We separated at my demand several months ago, and life is so much better. I didn't realize how much the stress was getting to me until he was out.

Wishing you well. . .

hadenoughnow

Welcome to SR. I have been married to my AH for 15 years, he is "highly functioning" (at least he thinks he is, ha) with no job loss or DUI's. Over the years he has done the "cutting back" method and actually quit for a while and sought counseling in June when I threatened divorce. He quit counseling when they told him that he would have to quit drinking for forever so I have decided not to spend anymore time, energy or money on getting him into recovery (it's just too exhausting trying to be a one woman intervention team and his family refuse to help unless I promise to stay with him!).

My attorney suggested I stick it out until my son turns 14 in May so I am trying to work on myself and practice detachment before I file for divorce.

Barbara52

You are certainly not the only one going through this. You story sounds like so many of ours.

Take care of youself and your girls. Try attending AlAnon meetings and getting individual therapy. And keep talkign in here. It does help so much.

kj21

I am glad you got up the nerve to post here! I find it so helpful to get out my thoughts and read everyones wisdom. you are not alone, there are many like you. my experience is that kids are more resilient than we think..I do not think it is healthy for them to be raised in home where the parents do not show affection or love one another. They may grow up to think it is Ok to be treated like your husband treats you when he is drunk or trying to pick a fight. It is not right to have to stay away from your partner when they are home. I am not trying to tell you what to do, just my experience, as your kids get older they will want to invite friends over after school, but maybe they won't becouse they won't know if Dad will be in a good mood or not, and maybe embaress them by his moods or actions. My kids are 12 and 15. They just told me how sometimes thier friends (expecially the 15 yr olds) will comment on what an ass their stepdad seems like. Or their friends have figured it out that he is a druggie or alkie. I wish I had never put them through that...i didn't even realize how it affected thier social lives and confidence to bring people home with them. My house is a much happier place when my ABF is not here...sometimes it is happy when he is here but you just never know when that time will be. Just my 2 cents, my experience. Hope it helps!

Spiritual Seeker

"nothing changes if nothing changes" You can't change him so work on changing yourself. The more you do that the more you will know what is the right thing to do.

ICU

Welcome to SR badlybroken! I'm glad you left the 'lurker status' and worked up the courage to begin posting! Good for you!!

Not much to add at the moment to the great posts already here. I just wanted to welcome you and also suggest you give Alanon meetings a try.

Keep reading, check out the stickies at the top of the forum, and keep coming back!

guineapigjude

Hi and welcome! You've sure come to a place where we all understand.
My relationship with my XAH sounds similar to yours. I just want you to keep in mind that alcohol abuse changes the brain's chemistry ~ your A's behavior may likely worsen over time as mine did. Just keep it in mind.
Also, I fully believed I kept XAH's addictions from my kids. After he left us, I found out that they were aware of a lot more than I knew, and had the burden of living with their "secrets". Being away from their dad except for a few hours a week, my kids are also mentioning to me that they are becoming aware of how "different" their dad acted than everyone elses. Their dad's erratic behavior had become normal. Ouch.
Keep posting and reading and taking what you need to hear when you need to hear it. We're here for you!

badlybroken

Thanks everyone for posting. It certainly does help...

I have to say that I have become very good at detachment. Somehow, I have taught my body to turn on and off feelings, even though I know it's bad for me. I think maybe because I like to be in control and if I can't control AH, then I need to be able to at least control myself. It sounds crazy, but it's true.

Thanks again for reading.

Missy

Ditto on it all !!!

The disease does get progressive. My AH did not ever get a DUI either but my effects with the progression isnt good.
I've become full of anxiety that I hid from everyone, Getting panic attacks. Just a few weeks ago I was diagnoised with Diabetis. I'm not overweight. We have afamily history of this disease but it is believed that the diabetis has kicked in because of the stress of living with an A.
I have no children left at home so I too dont know why a move isnt made here.

This insanity is sometimes worse than the A himself. we become prisioners and cant get out that easy..
This forum is fab! Also al-anon is the Best. Get a sponsor, work the steps and you can live the best life you can. Remember your Best is good enough!
Missy xo

Janitw

Welcome badlybroken.... I was very very very good at detachment also just like you....after a number of years just when you think you have it all figured out....then BAM they do something that in no way, shape, form or fashion you could have thought they'd do. Then and only then is where you find yourself shaken to the very soul inside of yourself. Its not a matter of what they will do ... rather simply put...when. Because it will come falling down around you. Please don't wait until the kids are teenagers because this only makes this time period worse..teenagers are very vocal and will call a drunk a drunk when they see one and it doesn't matter if that drunk is their father. They won't bring friends around or have them spend the night because they can't count on what kind of "mood" dad will be in....its sad hunny its just plain sad. Again I will repeat what has just been told to you. Nothin changes if nothin changes. Never truer words. Stick around and learn. You will do what you need to when the time is right and you will know when that time comes.

Janitw

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, broken. my daughter is an alcoholic/addict and alanon meetings help me alot. blessing, and keep posting - k

badlybroken

Yes, I do hope that the time comes when I can't take it anymore. It's been 2 years, and I am still waiting for something in me to snap and then it may be easier for me to take action.

Thanks again for the support and I have been thinking about ALANON for a while. The only thing is, AH is rarely home at night to watch the girls for me to attend. I will figure it out though.

Buffalo66

I send you strength and hugs, good luck,and KEEPposting her, it sooooo helps.

Aquarian

Hi Badlybroken,
Welcome, glad you wrote. Keep talking, it helps. You are right when you say - a person has to be 'ready' to make a big change. I have had the thought in my head - "I'm afraid to stay and afraid to go". Not a great situation...

You are not alone! take care of yourself, ok?