queenteree

After going thru all of AH relapses (actually one giant relapse the month of Sept.) and him almost losing his job on Monday, him promising me he was going to straighten out his life since his HP gave him the one last chance of not losing his job, Friday was my birthday and I had to chair my Alanon meeting, he picked up the grandkids (I had to babysit) from my friend's house reaking of beer, she didn't know what to do so rather than argue w/him and he'd deny it, she let him take them (I felt so bad that she was in such a position). Saturday he drank all day from morning till night, each time he went out he said he was going fishing and then to a meeting and coming back drunker and drunker. He knew my friend was coming over Sat. afternoon w/her daughter and my grandkids to decorate for Halloween, then we were dropping them off at her house and we were going to hang and have a drink or two at my house (we both knew AH was drinking, so it wasn't like we were tempting him) At about 10:30 p.m., he comes home from his latest "AA meeting" slurring his words and telling me it was a speakers meeting, till finally I told him to stop lying and just go inside, which created a whole big scene where the almost broke our outside glass table where me and my friend were sitting, slamming our sliding glass door trying to break that, then HE demanded me to call the police on him. He went and got the phone, told me unless I called, he was going to call. Boy he sure knew what he was doing!!!! It was a big set up. The police come, I explain how he is an alcoholic and was drinking, how he started to get threatening, and how he made me call them. They go upstairs and talk to him, come back and tell me that since he doesn't smell of alcohol and I do, I'm the one who is drunk and making up a false police report. I lost it, I started crying, telling them all I've been thru (like they care). Anyway, the one cop goes upstairs again and the other is down by me, he tells me how he's been to Alanon, I told him I go, he told me about how his daughter hasn't seen his alcoholic brother and neither has he, and he believed me and knew I wasn't drunk. My friend told him that she thought the reason why AH didn't smell of beer was cause he changed his clothes from the time he got home (which he did). Cop 2 came down from upstairs and cop 1 told him that. AH comes down to us (the police and me) tells them that he wants me arrested, wants to file a report on me, how he was just sitting up in his room and I was drunk and came up there and started threatening him and when he didn't fall for it, I got mad and called the police. I started crying again, my friend couldn't believe how blantently he lied (this is usually not like my AH), they finally told him that he was drunk, they've been here before, to go upstairs and stay out of our face or else he will be arrested. He proceeded to drink himself to oblivion yesterday, slept from 5 p.m. till 3 a.m. had some beer and went back to sleep. I have decided to get a divorce, am hoping the lawyer is in today. This morning he says he can't believe how I could just "throw away" our marriage and since I am he's going to get drunker and drunker, quit his job and move away. He then said if I change my mind and decide to stay, when I come home tonite he "will let me know if he has decided to stop drinking!" Needless to say, I have been at work for an hour now, 2 hours earlier than I should be. And I am hopefully leaving early to get this over with. This is hard, real hard and I am going to have a really tough road ahead of me. My son stopped by last night and I told him what was going on and I was divorcing AH. My son said that he's glad cause I have put up w/more than he ever thought I would and more than anyone should. My other son was with him who said that when I do that, he wants no part of his father because he's a "low life drunk." It's a shame when even your kids think that of you.

parentrecovers

it sounds like it's time. be strong. don't make his problems - your problems.

hugs, and well - happy belated birthday. i bet next year's will be a lot better..

k

Barbara52

****{queentree}}}

It sounds like you might have reached your bottom here. I know this is going to be very hard but do stick to your plans. You deserve sooooo much better than this!

ladyjane

I'm so sorry your going through this queen. Please do what you need to to take care of yourself.
Trish

Rella927

Sending you healing thoughts....

Maybe this is your bottom? That is for you to decide......I cannot allow anyone's problems to be mine in my life today-It is self destructing to me.

I'm sorry that you are going through this pain right now...remember YOU that is who is important in this life right now. He has choices and so do you!

queenteree

I'm going to the lawyer today. I have a 3:30 apptment. I've never been so sure of anything in my life. AH already called me twice, once to tell me to lower my 401k and for me to let him know my decision later, I told him I've already decided, I'm going thru w/it. He said "fine". He is going to quit his job and move away. Oh well, maybe I'll read about him in the paper sometime. Then he called me back to tell me to tell the lawyer to put in the papers that I can have 1/2 his PI settement if he ever comes in. I said OK and hung up. I told the girls at work that if he calls again, I'm gone for the day. This is such a shame. He will be so stupid as to quit his job and move away, cause he's thinking with an alcohol saturated brain. I truly hate alcoholism!!!!

parentrecovers

i wouldn't take any more calls or have any more conversation with him, qt - get your legal advice first? he's just quacking...hugs, k

Barbara52

I'm so sorry he is bring such upset to your life. Listen to your lawyer and find a way to get AH out of the house as soon as you can to save your sanity.

chero

(((((QUEEN)))))

I'm so sorry! Good luck at the lawyer's ofc today! Our thoughts and prayers are with you!

hadenoughnow

I am so sorry that your Bday was ruined like this. I second what PR says, I would not discuss anything with him. Good luck with the appointment and ask the attorney about getting an order to stop him from taking $$$ out of his 401k.

Janitw

((((((((((((((Queen))))))))))))))

What a birthday huh??? Stand strong and stay the course hunny. I am so sorry that you are in such pain. Sometimes you never know what its gonna take before you hit your final bottom. Maybe this is yours and maybe its not... but nothing changes if nothing changes. Maybe this will make him want to embrace sobriety...I sure hope so. And it doesn't matter if you are with him or not he needs sobriety and a good program just so he can be a better father...he is losing the respect of his children....just like mine did. Hunny this is so sad. Stay strong okay. Let us know what the lawyer says will ya?

Janitw

wpgwoman

I am so sorry you had to go through this. It sucks that he ruined your special day, but I see it as a blessing in disguise. It finally gave you that nudge that you needed to move forward in a positive direction for you. The strength to stop asking yourself "what if" my AH does this or does that, can this relationship be salvaged? You finally have the answer you've been looking for.

I wish you all the best. Good luck and stay strong.

queenteree

Janit - I think this is my bottom. I know he will never embrace sobriety, I had hopes after his rehab stint. My AH is very big on money and not wasting any and for him to blow $4500 on rehab and plus lose almost 4 weeks pay (unpaid leave), I thought he was dead serious. But this just shows that he is too far in his alcoholism to ever remain sober for any length of time. But you know what, I'm OK with that. And for the first time, truly, I am OK with going to the lawyer and depending on the retainer amount, paying it today to get this ball rolling. I'm not doing it so he'll realize what he lost (he will, one day, realize it or die alone), I'm doing it for me, cause I deserve so much better. I deserve a sober husband, one who is sober all the time, one who doesn't solve life's problems and celebrate life's happiness w/alcohol. One that doesn't turn into such a peice of sh** for 3 weeks out of the month. One that I can go out with or on vacation with without it being ruined by his 24/7 drinking. And I know my HP has it planned for me that this marriage wasn't meant to be and someone decent will be there to love me. And if by chance that never happens, I will still have my kids, grandkids and hopefully my health and sanity, so I know I will never be alone and I am loved. It's just sad that AH is that wonderful person when he is sober, but 12 weeks out of a year just doesn't cut it.

kelsh

Queentree,

I had to do the same thing but had other circumstances besides AH being mentally and physically abusive to our family.

I had to borrow money to put $500 down for my divorce in 1988. My Aunt & Uncle helped me because my Mom and Dad had to help with some of my bills because my pay wasn't enough to do everything. My Aunt said it would be worth $500 to have him out of our family!

My breaking point was when I went to the bank to deposit my paycheck and I couldn't do it. We had been separated about a month and he had closed the checking account and I had no access to it. I went home and called a lawyer that I knew to be good in child custody cases and made an appointment for the next day.

He and I usually drank together on our days off and never drank at home. We both had a problem with alcohol but tried to limit our nights out.

I know how you are feeling ....the love/hate all mixed up together. You have made a good choice and just need to take a day at a time to get where you need to go.

I'm so sorry you and your boys have to go through this.

We all will be looking for your posts as time goes by. I eventually had to get a restraining order to keep him from calling me and coming into the house when I was gone but it didn't help much because the Sheriff's Department said that they couldn't do anything unless they caught him in the act. So why have a restraining order? Didn't make sense to me.

Take care of yourself and let your boys help you,

kelsh

LGLG07

((queen)) ..Im so sorry things have turned out the way they did .. Stay strong ,
you are one very bright beautiful and courageous woman . Dont ever forget that . Its just a shame that bad things happen to good people . Maybe it is time for you to take control back of your life and make some changes , good , positive changes .

Always praying that you are given strength to get through .

M

queenteree

At my Alanon meeting last night a man thanked everyone for their prayers for his father, who was on his deathbed. The father's health improved and he said there's definitely power in prayers. Would you all please pray that I have the strength to do what is right today and for strength not to let him get to me. Thanks.
Terri

BigSis

You have my prayers, QT ((((andbighugs)))))

What I hear around the AA tables is how many times it has been the loss of every THING and every ONE that finally helped and alcoholic reach out for the help that has been there all along.

It takes what it takes.... this may be his wake up call, or not.

But either way, your life is bound to improve.

I wish you well and keep you in my prayers.

ARealLady

Sending you positive thoughts that you WILL do what is right for you, Queenteree. This isn't easy but often the most difficult things we have to do are the life-changing ones.

(((((((Queen))))))))) and Happy Belated Birthday to you!

XABF managed to ruin his own birthday earlier this year and he continues to blame me for being cold, heartless and uncaring that day!...500 mls of vodka will do that to an A!

ARL

Barbara52

Terri you have my prayers that God lead you in the direction and down the path that is best for you.

Spiritual Seeker

Wishing you strength as you move forward with your decision. Divorce is never easy but it is easier when you know you've had enough. When I went through divorce I had several Family law attys. screw me financially and rip me off so be careful with your selection and laying out the big retainers they want.That's fantastic that you've got the support of your sons, be sure to rely on them when you need to.
Best wishes as you embark on this. Your future is bound to be more joyous.