Aysha

I dont know ,,But I feel like sometimes I am walking on eggshells with myself when it comes to my addiction.
Like I have to be really careful with my thoughts..my actions...everything sometimes.
It's like I have my super guard up. It really isnt a bad thing. But it is very touchy when it comes to topics I think of and speak about.
I am so scared to have any thoughts of using. I have been pretty good at cutting the thoughts off right when they begin. And I am slightly developing a hate and disgust even thinking about getting high.
Does anyone else feel like they have to be on high red alert alot with every aspect of recovery?

Alive

Sometimes we are our own enemies..and that's what we have to worry about..i personally feel that way..But i believe with more time of recovery we become our best friends...

Astro

I need to remain ever vigilant over my sobriety, Trish. And so far it's working pretty well. Keep it up. Awareness is growth and progress.

Rowan

Hi Trish,

It's good to see you, as always

I'm pretty vigilant about my recovery, too, but it's become easier and more of a natural state. I do remember having to be on my guard a lot more in early recovery, and seemed to be aware of every beer slogan, every party I couldn't go to, projecting into the future about Christmas, weddings, etc.
And - I think of alcohol as poison - it's a good kind of fear.

Aysha

I agree...I am learning to cut those nasty thoughts off before they begin. If an inkling starts to fester in my mind..I cut it off quick and think about all the **** I have gone through and all the negative consequences from my use over many years. And I am learning to detest this drug.
But I have to be on super alert because Alot of things trigger flash backs..memories and such.
I am just glad I am doing the things I need to do to defuse those so called positve thoughts of using.
I will afirrm out loud all day if I have to.
It has been very effective so far.

Rowan

I'd be interesting in talking to you about affirmations, sometime, Trish.

I don't know a lot about them, but think they would be helpful for me, with some stuff I am going through right now. A lot of the past has been coming up for me and it's been real painful, reliving it.

Anna

Hi Trish,

As others have said, you will get more used to it as time goes on. It will become like second nature for you. But, I think there are always times, when things are stressful, that we have to be extra careful.

Missymae737

Hi Trish,

I take my alcoholism very serious...I go to lots of meetings for many reasons, one being that I never want to forget how bad it was out there...I hear someone speak about being out there, and it helps me to know that many of their experiences were much like my own.

I never have to be alone... Again...

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Hey Trish,

I see a change in you, and its AWESOME!!! Keep going..

Karen

GrouchoTheCat

Its like learning anything new. At first you have to think of every little thing.

After some time and practice, it beging to become second nature. Like learning to drive.

It will get easier,

Ted

Hope

Thanks for posting this thread, Trish.

I feel the same way a lot.

Feels good to hear that it will get easier someday.

Aysha

I forgot who posted the crackbusters workbook. But it has been like a bible to me lately.
Plus I really messed my life up and put my family through alot this year.
And this court case I have has been a real wake up call too. I have always been in the system one way or another since I was 18. These past 4 years up until now has been the only time ever that I have been legal problem free.
I had my credit back and was doing real good. And this year I just let it get out of control like never before.
My grams is getting older and developing health problems.
I cant be an irresponsible addict forever.
And I truely am starting to hate everything about that drug.
I look at my truck and the damage to it from letting dealers use it.
I think about what I put myself and my family through in May with my stupidity.
Just alot of things.

Rowan you can talk to me about anything anytime.
I have to use my aunts computer so I am not on as much but you know what to do. And I will get back to you ASAP.
I hope your doing well and everyone else too.

Rowan

Someone else said it - and I'll echo it - I see a real big change in you, Trish. And thanks for being there for me, too.

nan07

Hi Chi...
I have three months today, but I am just now coming off a period of "high alert". My partner has been away on business the last two days. Ordinarily, she's home and she serves as a safety net of sorts for me. I know I won't drink when she's around. I was sort of shocked to see how much I was plagued by thoughts of drinking while she was away...thinking how I could go grab some beer and she'd never know, the whole nine yards. Yeah, it was very stressful and I felt I was on guard a lot more than I thought I'd be. Long story short, I went on lots of walks, called lots of people and I didn't drink...and I think that this will become easier for me in the future. Probably for you, too...the more you are able to pass by these triggers, the easier it becomes.

rafe

Hello all, I know what ya'll mean about those thoughts and i hear ya'll say they scare you sometimes. Well thats good thats a healthy fear. Hell i would hate not to fear going back to the person i was. So when i get those fears i think god that im sober and just go on with the day. Sometimes ill call my friends in aa or na and let them know my thoughts. I think everyone has those thoughts from time to time.whatever works for you .

Astro

Welcome rafe! Glad you've joined us.

Aysha

I agree rafe..it is a good fear. Because normally it wouldnt even cross my mind to care.
I am new to all this recovery stuff...Never really put any effort into it until now. So I am seeing things alot differently.
I am taking it seriously this time for the first time. I have never and I mean never fought the fantasies of using.
I welcomed them and entertained them because I thought if I cant use at least I can day dream.
Yea OOOKKK...I was an idiot right?
You know it.
I was playing myself before.
I wasnt ready.
As much as I tried convincing myself and everyone else. I was far from ready to stop.
I was still in love with my drugs.
I dont know what happened this time around.
I have been real careful what I think..I dont think or talk about war stories.
As soon as I feel a thought sneaking in...I cut it off right there.
I am not even going to feed into this crap anymore.
I am being real patient and really taking it one day at a time.
I dont know..I just feel different this time. And theres no big lights and visions.
I am just being..living each day with a goal of sobriety just for this moment.
No pink clouds this time. No exciting moments of recovery yet.
I am just thankful I am finally focused and at last really ready to take this seriopusly and do what I have to do at all costs to make sure I take my life back.
Your new...so you dont know how mouthy and big headed I can be. Or use to be.
That all is fading. learning how to keep my mouth shut and listen has proven to be very trying. But I am doing it slowly but sure.
I AM on a mission here.
And this board has been a big part of helping me relise what the real meaning of recovery is.
I welocime good fear.
Keeps me on my toes...LOL...

Astro

I can dream too. Right now I'm having a good dream about Trish picking up her first 1 year chip next September. You might still be mouthy, but you'll use your words to inspire newcomers to the program;-)

Think you can do it, Trish? If I can, so can you.

bval

Glad to see you're doing so well, Trish

For me, the biggest differences between 'this time' and the past times I've gotten sober for a while are obvious. This time, I have:
1) Admitted to myself and others that I don't know squat, so I do a whole lot more listening than I do talking.
2) Convinced myself to the core that this is a life-or-death situation I'm in (the truth of that statement is not something I consider for one second anymore because the actual truth is irrelevant, the point is, it's a VERY important tool)
3) Learned to live one day at a time ... most importantly, I try to never think of the magnitude of the 'lifetime of sobriety' concept. I just tell myself I have to stay sober TODAY.
4) Focussed on doing the 'next right thing' at all times rather than trying to figure out my next 20 moves in life.
5) Prayed for serenity more times than I can count, pretty much everytime I start to trip on something. I continue to pray it until it sinks in, and I get relief from it. I seems to always work...

Pretty simple stuff, really

Aysha

Yea when you think about it ..It really is simple stuff.
But that AV is a M'er F'er...Excuse my letters..But thats what it is.
I am not getting ahead of myself like I always do either. Big flaw...That and my big huge mouth.
I like to think I know it all and cant anyone tell me different.
I am learning to stop that.
I have done such a 180 in my thought process and behavior it isnt even funny.
I am about business this time.
I am so sick of starting over all the time and playing catch up and being broke and feeling like a big piece of crap with no purpose in life.
I have had it.