CareBearStare

Okay... I dont want to be a big baby. But things keep happening, people around me know that I am trying to quit drinking yet my mother in law calls and asks me to pick up a bottle for her. My husband wants us to go to a bbq tonight where there will surely be alcohol and I feel like everyone is conspiring against me. I havent said a word and act like everything is fine because I dont want to be a "BIG WHINEY BABY"... I feel like nobody cares that I wanna quit and they dont see it as important. What is up with that, all of these people have seen me at my worst.?

odaat

Hi CareBearStare. When I told everyone that I was giving up drinking, they all responded with things like; "why do that?", "don't be a spoilsport" and "thats no fun". Even my husband, who had often come home at lunch time to find me lying in the garden crying, couldn't understand it. I think some it was denial. He didn't want me to have a problem.

I just told people straight that I wasn't drinking and I appreciate it if they didn't offer me any. At first, people forgot, but when offered I said politely "I no longer drink, in future can you not offer me alcohol".

Its been 9 months now, and everyone had got the hint. People stopped offering/encouraging at about 3 months and now are all very helpful and proud of me. Its very strange.

I'd just advise you to remember that you are doing this for YOU. Its not whiney to tell people that you don't want to drink.

Best wishes x

Aristo

I think you need to practice 'healthy boundaries' - ie "No, I can't get a bottle because I feel uncomfortable around alcohol since I have stooped drinking'

No, I Don't want to go the BBQ because I don't think I am up to that, since I have stopped drinking'

If people in your life don't care that you are saving your life, by not drinking - then perhaps you need to have a serious talk to them about how important this is to you.

Put your recovery first - before anything else - otherwise, you may loose it.

What do they say.... People who matter, don't mind - and people who mind, don't matter ! (Harsh but true)

CareBearStare

I know... But I dont think people get it yet. I dont even know if I "get it" yet lol... All I know is I have to never touch it again. I tried to "moderate" lol and that did not work. My husband may be in the same predicament not wanting to actually "have a problem".. He seemed shocked that I went to an AA meeting. He told me when I said I would quit, "You dont have to quit, just get it under control." I dont think he understands that if I want to "get it under control" I have to QUIT. I am thinking he is sad about losing his drinking buddy.

Anna

Hi CareBear,

The thing I had to learn in early sobriety was to say "No" loud and clear. I had been a people-pleaser all my life and it hadn't worked. Tell your mother-in-law you have other plans today and can't do that. And, people aren't going to like it, but they will get used to it. Focus on yourself and your recovery. By the time I stopped drinking my family had given up on me and I was completely on my own too. But, you can do it!

Hevyn

It seems it's impossible for those who CAN control their drinking to understand us & why we can't. Some feel uncomfortable and self-conscious about their own drinking when we bring up the subject of trying to get sober. Maybe some actually feel guilty because they know in their hearts they have a problem, too.

My husband didn't want to lose his drinking buddy either. The scary thing is, I would have had the same reaction years ago if he had said he was going to stop - "Why don't you just control it - just drink on weekends, just drink beer...?" because I, myself, didn't want my precious lifestyle to change. Oh, if only I hadn't been the classic enabler. He's been dead for 2 years.

GrouchoTheCat

Some may actually feel threatend because it might cause them to look at their own drinking behavior.

You may actually run into resistance or even people outright wanting you to drink.

I have seen this, and experienced it, and it can be very uncomfortable.

Sometimes you just have to stand your ground...

Good luck,

Ted

Jersey Nonny

Well said!

WOW, Hevyn...you brought back memories of when my husband would stop on the way home and stay out until the bars closed. I would say, "Why can't you be like other men, just stop for a couple, and come home?" He could never explain it, and I couldn't understand it. Of course, he wasn't like other men (unless, they, too, were alcoholics). I would watch him from the apartment window, as he swayed up the street...and, be thoroughly disgusted. (Also, very angry because I was stuck at home with the three kids, while he was out "having fun"!)

Two years after he quit drinking with the help of AA, I found myself stopping on the way home from work "just to unwind". I would become so "unwound" I could hardly stand up...even fell off the barstool a couple of times...YUCK! Naturally, I go home DUI...thankfully, I never had an accident on the way. And, one night I noticed I was having a bit of difficulty maneuvering up the walkway to my home...just like my husband had done years before! Lightning bolt! "I think I have a problem!"

Since I quit drinking, I didn't have alcohol in my home, I didn't allow anyone to bring it into my home, I didn't give it as holiday gifts, I didn't have any difficulty refusing a drink outside of my home, and no one ever insisted. I guess I was really fortunate that I had a good support system...friends, family, AA.

But, I think you'll find people will eventually get the idea...repetition, repetition, repetition...just be strong, and stand your ground! Good luck!

CareBearStare

??? I have an ice chest full of beer in my back yard at the moment... From last weekend. I havent touched it but I think about it being there. I need to tell the guy it belongs to to come get it. I picked up a bottle and some beer for my Mother in law yesterday, the nearest liquor store is here about an hour away from her. I did however tell her that I didnt feel comfortable going anymore, and that I would appreciate it if she wouldnt ask me to go get it either lol... I know she has a problem with alcohol, she changed the subject very quickly when I told her I was through with it, but seemed like she understood about me not wanting to buy it.

Anna

Good for you - boundaries are hugely important in sobriety. It's kind of like finding your path in such a way that it works for you.

Jersey Nonny

Been told to "Stay off the railroad tracks, if you don't want to get hit." That Express to Active Alcoholism can come along and deck you when you least expect it...cunning, baffling, powerful! Must practice constant vigilance!

WLDKATZ

you are a grown adault, take responcibility for you if you dont want to go then dont its not like they have a gun to your head just a few words..........if they don't like it they will get over it