Co-worker - intervention?
Bystander1
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Tallmadge, OH
Posts: 2
Co-worker - intervention?
I just discovered this addiction forum site and registered. I hope I'm not out of line to just jump in with a problem without posting some kind of introduction? This is the only place I've attempted to find any advice.
Here's my dilemma: my closest co-worker (and a good friend whom I'll call "Mary") is a recovering heroin addict. We are both middle-aged, have worked together for many years and share an office that's somewhat isolated after a recent office relocation.
With the help of professionals, "Mary" and her husband kicked their habit two year's ago. I knew something was wrong for a long time, but never confronted her. I'd had no experience with any kind of alcohol or other drug abuse before this.
None of my other co-workers would even admit there was a problem, even though it was so obvious. They preferred to buy Mary's excuses for using "pain meds" - a "bum" knee, for one. I never could understand why she never got around to scheduling surgery for that knee. (We have excellent medical coverage.)
I don't know what she's told her doctor, but she recently had a tooth extraction. I know she immediately abused the pain pills he gave her. Doctors usually prescribe a minimum of those pills, and she told me she was taking "three" of them at a time, so I know she must be getting more pills somewhere else by now.
She is displaying a lot of the same symptoms as before (altho not as bad): nodding off, vagueness, unsteadiness on her feet, slurring, mentions of various "bad pains" and what pills do I recommend she try for them, short attention span, talkativeness - often about very private matters, inability to come into work and leaving early.
It was Mary's husband who procured their previous drugs. I know he's relapsed on his drinking problem this summer, but not sure about the drugs. Her son just got married and all she has talked about since is how fabulous the wine was they served at the reception. Her husband got drunk at the rehearsal dinner and caused a scene to the point that she wanted to divorce him - this revealed a week ago, in detail while talking to the head of another department who happened by!
ANYWAY. My problem is what my responsibilities are here. Everybody else is just wearing blinders, refusing to even accept there is a problem that needs confronted. The other person who is supposedly Mary's *best* friend responds to all my concerns with the same type of excuses Mary uses. Should I talk to our boss or contact Mary's son? Should I just tell Mary I'm considering discussing it with those individuals?
I've "scolded" Mary about not seeing her doctor for symptoms she says cause her to need meds and miss work: week-long diarrhea or vomiting and headaches. In hopes of removing Mary's delusions that she's successfully covering up her use-symptoms, I told her last week that I can tell when she is on something by her behavior.
I don't know how successful that was, but I think she prefers her "best" friend's company to mine outside work because she knows this "friend" will act as if nothing is amiss.
Her *best friend* told me she won't involve herself whatsoever.
Mary's missed two and a half days this week alone. One of the times Mary tried to kick the heroin habit on her own, she was off for an entire summer and I had to do her job and mine.
I don't want to hurt Mary. She was extremely supportive of me during my husband's illness and death and is a very nice person, well-liked in the office. She is normally a good worker. It's just such a shame she got this monkey on her back. I know it's put her in financial difficulties as well.
I'm posting this from work and may not get back on to read responses until tomorrow, but I'd appreciate any constructive advice. Thank you!
Here's my dilemma: my closest co-worker (and a good friend whom I'll call "Mary") is a recovering heroin addict. We are both middle-aged, have worked together for many years and share an office that's somewhat isolated after a recent office relocation.
With the help of professionals, "Mary" and her husband kicked their habit two year's ago. I knew something was wrong for a long time, but never confronted her. I'd had no experience with any kind of alcohol or other drug abuse before this.
None of my other co-workers would even admit there was a problem, even though it was so obvious. They preferred to buy Mary's excuses for using "pain meds" - a "bum" knee, for one. I never could understand why she never got around to scheduling surgery for that knee. (We have excellent medical coverage.)
I don't know what she's told her doctor, but she recently had a tooth extraction. I know she immediately abused the pain pills he gave her. Doctors usually prescribe a minimum of those pills, and she told me she was taking "three" of them at a time, so I know she must be getting more pills somewhere else by now.
She is displaying a lot of the same symptoms as before (altho not as bad): nodding off, vagueness, unsteadiness on her feet, slurring, mentions of various "bad pains" and what pills do I recommend she try for them, short attention span, talkativeness - often about very private matters, inability to come into work and leaving early.
It was Mary's husband who procured their previous drugs. I know he's relapsed on his drinking problem this summer, but not sure about the drugs. Her son just got married and all she has talked about since is how fabulous the wine was they served at the reception. Her husband got drunk at the rehearsal dinner and caused a scene to the point that she wanted to divorce him - this revealed a week ago, in detail while talking to the head of another department who happened by!
ANYWAY. My problem is what my responsibilities are here. Everybody else is just wearing blinders, refusing to even accept there is a problem that needs confronted. The other person who is supposedly Mary's *best* friend responds to all my concerns with the same type of excuses Mary uses. Should I talk to our boss or contact Mary's son? Should I just tell Mary I'm considering discussing it with those individuals?
I've "scolded" Mary about not seeing her doctor for symptoms she says cause her to need meds and miss work: week-long diarrhea or vomiting and headaches. In hopes of removing Mary's delusions that she's successfully covering up her use-symptoms, I told her last week that I can tell when she is on something by her behavior.
I don't know how successful that was, but I think she prefers her "best" friend's company to mine outside work because she knows this "friend" will act as if nothing is amiss.
Her *best friend* told me she won't involve herself whatsoever.
Mary's missed two and a half days this week alone. One of the times Mary tried to kick the heroin habit on her own, she was off for an entire summer and I had to do her job and mine.
I don't want to hurt Mary. She was extremely supportive of me during my husband's illness and death and is a very nice person, well-liked in the office. She is normally a good worker. It's just such a shame she got this monkey on her back. I know it's put her in financial difficulties as well.
I'm posting this from work and may not get back on to read responses until tomorrow, but I'd appreciate any constructive advice. Thank you!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Welcome Bystander,
I may not be of much help, but my gut instinct here would be to go my own way.
If she has received help in the past, she knows what she needs to do.
JMO:
Its not our place to "out " the addict, and often times it doesn't do anything but to cause us more pain in the end. Although you mean well, its really not your business to scold her or to tell on her. This is her battle to fight, and as hard as it may be to watch, she may have a ways to fall before she makes an effort to change.
I imagine this makes for a very tense day, and more work for you...thats something you CAN bring up to the boss.
Again, welcome, there are some great people here...stick around
(((Hugs)))
Cece
I may not be of much help, but my gut instinct here would be to go my own way.
If she has received help in the past, she knows what she needs to do.
JMO:
Its not our place to "out " the addict, and often times it doesn't do anything but to cause us more pain in the end. Although you mean well, its really not your business to scold her or to tell on her. This is her battle to fight, and as hard as it may be to watch, she may have a ways to fall before she makes an effort to change.
I imagine this makes for a very tense day, and more work for you...thats something you CAN bring up to the boss.
Again, welcome, there are some great people here...stick around
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I have learned from experience to stay out of situations like this.
They know they have a problem They are addicts right? So they know what to do to make it better.
Getting too involved can bring us to a point of exhaustion and before you know it, you're angry, irratable and hate dealing with this person. Drugs ruin friendships. It's a shame.
Start setting your boundaries now and let Mary help herself. AA meetings are in every city so there is no excuse for her if she is really wanting help.
You see, if she isn't seeking a life without drugs, she isn't going to change. She might drag you down with her.
I know about this because of a dearest friend that went through the most horrid drug situation and is now in jail because of it.
She is college educated, bright funny and a loving wonderful friend. Problem is when she started drinking and coming in late, I got stuck with her work.
Then, I started to resent her.
I won't let that happen to me again. She is now in jail. How very sad. But, I have backed away refusing to be part of her life until she is in active recovery.
This protects ME.
Good luck to you and I hope things get better for you.
They know they have a problem They are addicts right? So they know what to do to make it better.
Getting too involved can bring us to a point of exhaustion and before you know it, you're angry, irratable and hate dealing with this person. Drugs ruin friendships. It's a shame.
Start setting your boundaries now and let Mary help herself. AA meetings are in every city so there is no excuse for her if she is really wanting help.
You see, if she isn't seeking a life without drugs, she isn't going to change. She might drag you down with her.
I know about this because of a dearest friend that went through the most horrid drug situation and is now in jail because of it.
She is college educated, bright funny and a loving wonderful friend. Problem is when she started drinking and coming in late, I got stuck with her work.
Then, I started to resent her.
I won't let that happen to me again. She is now in jail. How very sad. But, I have backed away refusing to be part of her life until she is in active recovery.
This protects ME.
Good luck to you and I hope things get better for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R.....i am sorry about your friends problem but that is what it is, HER problem. i do not think you should go to the boss or anyone else about this. what you can do is go to your boss about her work. your friend can not hide her addiction from anyone long & they will all know about it. their is really nothing you can do for her. i will say a prayer for her & hope she hits her bottom so she will realize that she does have a problem.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
You have reached a great site. Read the stickys!!!! In my past experience-you cannot do any good for a co-worker. Let management handle it!!!!! They will eventually. I worked at a bank,another loan officer asked me to talk to his wife-who was a mess with coke-she was our mgr. Needless to say-I got laid off because of it. They divorced-she will no longer be allowed in banking. You may want to help, but my advise is to stay away-let her go the route and take care of yourself!!!!!
Bystander1
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Tallmadge, OH
Posts: 2
Thank You All For The Helpful Advice
I was actually surprised that everyone agreed that I not confront her personally, but only speak to my boss about her if her work suffers. I had expected advice to definitely confront her, or have an intervention of some kind.
I guess I accept that I shouldn't do anything, although this seems like the easy way out - which, in my experience, is generally not the right thing to do. However, I bow to those with experience in these matters, which I certainly don't have.
Anyway, thank you so much for the advice. It is a relief to know I don't have to do anything.
I guess I accept that I shouldn't do anything, although this seems like the easy way out - which, in my experience, is generally not the right thing to do. However, I bow to those with experience in these matters, which I certainly don't have.
Anyway, thank you so much for the advice. It is a relief to know I don't have to do anything.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know how you feel, you feel that if doing nothing your not helping. That is kind of codependent thinking. The truth is, by doing nothing you might be helping her in more ways then you can imagine.
I agree unless her work becomes an issue, don't go to the boss.
She knows what she has to do and until she WANTS to do something about her relapse, leave her be.
I agree unless her work becomes an issue, don't go to the boss.
She knows what she has to do and until she WANTS to do something about her relapse, leave her be.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by bystander1 
I guess I accept that I shouldn't do anything, although this seems like the easy way out - which, in my experience, is generally not the right thing to do. .
Remember, just because we feel we need to "help" doesn't mean it will be good for US. I have learned that the workplace is not the place to get into any kind whatso ever of problems with other employees.
Everyone else is right. The managment will take care of it one way or another. It's just a matter of time. Workplaces do not tolerate drugs and alcohol use.
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