Yoohoo Squirty????
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: London
Posts: 413
Don't be daft (((((north)))))
I am SO sorry if I have made you feel at all paranoid.
You are NOT the reason I am not posting - I have just been a little lost for words lately. The subs have made me feel a bit up and down (don't think I'm on a high enough dose) and I've had all sorts of family stuff going on and I don't really like to discuss it too much here.
Please don't think I am upset with you north hun. Yes, what you said on my other thread did affect me - but not in the way you think. I am an addict too sweety. I know what it is to be envious of someone else's supply of drugs LOL!!!
Truth is, it made me think about something which really upsets me.
WHY CAN'T EVERYONE GET THE SAME SORT OF ACCESS TO HELP???!!!
I know realistically it's never gonna happen. But I just feel bad that I am able to get on subs for free (aside to taxes - lol) through my NHS doctor. You (along with others) have to either/or, pay vast sums of money/travel vast amount of miles to see someone.
It's not fair and I thought discussing it made that all the more apparant.
I was still gonna come and talk here though north. I just don't have much to say at the moment.
Oh, other than, I have drunk quite a lot of alcohol this weekend.
Bring it on the friends...
I am SO sorry if I have made you feel at all paranoid.
You are NOT the reason I am not posting - I have just been a little lost for words lately. The subs have made me feel a bit up and down (don't think I'm on a high enough dose) and I've had all sorts of family stuff going on and I don't really like to discuss it too much here.
Please don't think I am upset with you north hun. Yes, what you said on my other thread did affect me - but not in the way you think. I am an addict too sweety. I know what it is to be envious of someone else's supply of drugs LOL!!!
Truth is, it made me think about something which really upsets me.
WHY CAN'T EVERYONE GET THE SAME SORT OF ACCESS TO HELP???!!!
I know realistically it's never gonna happen. But I just feel bad that I am able to get on subs for free (aside to taxes - lol) through my NHS doctor. You (along with others) have to either/or, pay vast sums of money/travel vast amount of miles to see someone.
It's not fair and I thought discussing it made that all the more apparant.
I was still gonna come and talk here though north. I just don't have much to say at the moment.
Oh, other than, I have drunk quite a lot of alcohol this weekend.
Bring it on the friends...
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
WHY???? Do you crave alcohol??? Or are you drinking to relieve emotions??? WHy probably seems like a freakin ridiculous question..I;m just trying to get a clue where you are at more ya know...I mean do ya start shaking and have to have a drink to calm yourself?
You are such a generous person squirty..that you could feel intense feelings for others suffering says alot about you.
Do you have any kids??
Do you lie alone??
write back
love north
You are such a generous person squirty..that you could feel intense feelings for others suffering says alot about you.
Do you have any kids??
Do you lie alone??
write back
love north
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: London
Posts: 413
I don't know why north. Probably cus I'm not doing enough to NOT drink.
I don't have kids. I am alone.
I live in London, where I don't have any family or partner but I do have friends. Sometimes I come and visit family in a different area.
Basically I am not alone cus I am surrounded by people who love me but I am completely alone cus they don't really love ME.
They love the act that I create. They love the happy, 'sorted' person they think I am (who likes a 'few' drinks).
Like so many addicts, I'm not sure I know who I am. For my work I 'act' like a teacher and do pretty well at it, the rest of the time I 'act' as the perfect daughter or flatmate or friend. Changing like a chameleon.
Basically I am a good actress.
Don't feel sorry for me even slightly. This is all my fault. I'm not doing enough to get well.
A brave person would stop acting and tell family and friends what I really am.
Then I would be really alone though.
But then I could get stuck into recovery and go to meetings with Arura etc.
I actually have a really good life and I hate complaining about it. I have a lot of people who depend on me and I have to look after. I guess the 'real' me doesn't fit into it properly.
I spend a lot of time and energy looking after people (kids I teach, family members, ex, friends) and then when I think abolut it and I'm sat on my own - noone is looking out for me.
Anyway, that is enough of my pity party.
THis is why I haven't been posting north. I have been staying with family and it always gets me like this. There's SO much love between us but... so much that is upsetting.
Oh, I'm not sure I'm making sense. This is why it's better off me not talking right now. I CAN'T talk about family. I feel awful about what I have said before.
Hope everyone is ok.
Love Squirty xxx
I don't have kids. I am alone.
I live in London, where I don't have any family or partner but I do have friends. Sometimes I come and visit family in a different area.
Basically I am not alone cus I am surrounded by people who love me but I am completely alone cus they don't really love ME.
They love the act that I create. They love the happy, 'sorted' person they think I am (who likes a 'few' drinks).
Like so many addicts, I'm not sure I know who I am. For my work I 'act' like a teacher and do pretty well at it, the rest of the time I 'act' as the perfect daughter or flatmate or friend. Changing like a chameleon.
Basically I am a good actress.
Don't feel sorry for me even slightly. This is all my fault. I'm not doing enough to get well.
A brave person would stop acting and tell family and friends what I really am.
Then I would be really alone though.
But then I could get stuck into recovery and go to meetings with Arura etc.
I actually have a really good life and I hate complaining about it. I have a lot of people who depend on me and I have to look after. I guess the 'real' me doesn't fit into it properly.
I spend a lot of time and energy looking after people (kids I teach, family members, ex, friends) and then when I think abolut it and I'm sat on my own - noone is looking out for me.
Anyway, that is enough of my pity party.
THis is why I haven't been posting north. I have been staying with family and it always gets me like this. There's SO much love between us but... so much that is upsetting.
Oh, I'm not sure I'm making sense. This is why it's better off me not talking right now. I CAN'T talk about family. I feel awful about what I have said before.
Hope everyone is ok.
Love Squirty xxx
X IV
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 6,365
((squirty))
There is magic in sharing what is going on with yourself. Try to remember it is not all about you. You are doing a service to me and to others by sharing what you are going through.... Your experience helps me to stay clean... I need to hear new and old timers experience on a regular basis. Please do more service for ME by staying around and sharing no matter what..
There is magic in sharing what is going on with yourself. Try to remember it is not all about you. You are doing a service to me and to others by sharing what you are going through.... Your experience helps me to stay clean... I need to hear new and old timers experience on a regular basis. Please do more service for ME by staying around and sharing no matter what..
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,707
I had family visit last night and when they left I wanted to take a handful of pills.
I didn't and I don't know why I felt like that but i did. I too Squirty put on a great act around people.........it's very draining for me though.
Pleeze keep posting .......K?
I didn't and I don't know why I felt like that but i did. I too Squirty put on a great act around people.........it's very draining for me though.
Pleeze keep posting .......K?
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