I don't know why north. Probably cus I'm not doing enough to NOT drink.
I don't have kids. I am alone.
I live in London, where I don't have any family or partner but I do have friends. Sometimes I come and visit family in a different area.
Basically I am not alone cus I am surrounded by people who love me but I am completely alone cus they don't really love ME.
They love the act that I create. They love the happy, 'sorted' person they think I am (who likes a 'few' drinks).
Like so many addicts, I'm not sure I know who I am. For my work I 'act' like a teacher and do pretty well at it, the rest of the time I 'act' as the perfect daughter or flatmate or friend. Changing like a chameleon.
Basically I am a good actress.
Don't feel sorry for me even slightly. This is all my fault. I'm not doing enough to get well.
A brave person would stop acting and tell family and friends what I really am.
Then I would be really alone though.
But then I could get stuck into recovery and go to meetings with Arura etc.
I actually have a really good life and I hate complaining about it. I have a lot of people who depend on me and I have to look after. I guess the 'real' me doesn't fit into it properly.
I spend a lot of time and energy looking after people (kids I teach, family members, ex, friends) and then when I think abolut it and I'm sat on my own - noone is looking out for me.
Anyway, that is enough of my pity party.
THis is why I haven't been posting north. I have been staying with family and it always gets me like this. There's SO much love between us but... so much that is upsetting.
Oh, I'm not sure I'm making sense. This is why it's better off me not talking right now. I CAN'T talk about family. I feel awful about what I have said before.
Hope everyone is ok.
Love Squirty xxx