im such a ______ idiot
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
im such a ______ idiot
i caved.
I called tonight. how could this happen.
how? i feel like such an idiot. i feel like such a loser.... im so stupid. i gave it all up. all my hard work. I was tempted this evening. but I said no. then i said I would take a tylenol 3 to put me to sleep.... but i was just tossing and turning thinking about calling. i was back and forth ... saying "well he called me last week why the hell cant I call, he said I could call"
and then i caved in and called. and then he blabed and blabed.... and then an hour later his other line beeped and he said "oh its my cousin....i think we're going out"
and he let me go. WTF I WANTED TO LET HIM GO. GOD I HATE MYSELF. SO MUCH. NOW WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??????????
I called tonight. how could this happen.
how? i feel like such an idiot. i feel like such a loser.... im so stupid. i gave it all up. all my hard work. I was tempted this evening. but I said no. then i said I would take a tylenol 3 to put me to sleep.... but i was just tossing and turning thinking about calling. i was back and forth ... saying "well he called me last week why the hell cant I call, he said I could call"
and then i caved in and called. and then he blabed and blabed.... and then an hour later his other line beeped and he said "oh its my cousin....i think we're going out"
and he let me go. WTF I WANTED TO LET HIM GO. GOD I HATE MYSELF. SO MUCH. NOW WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??????????
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep on going. That's what you do!
I have done the dialing too. And I always regretted it later, and I did a fair job of beating myself up for it.
What helped me was to find a friend in recovery, explain the situation, and agree to call HER whenever I got the uncontrollable urge to call HIM.
You're not stupid, you're hurting and lonely and learning new and different ways to handle things. And you didn't give up all your hard work. You made a choice, took an action and now you can go right back to your hard work again.
Progess, not perfection. Be gentle with yourself!
Hugs
Cats
I have done the dialing too. And I always regretted it later, and I did a fair job of beating myself up for it.
What helped me was to find a friend in recovery, explain the situation, and agree to call HER whenever I got the uncontrollable urge to call HIM.
You're not stupid, you're hurting and lonely and learning new and different ways to handle things. And you didn't give up all your hard work. You made a choice, took an action and now you can go right back to your hard work again.
Progess, not perfection. Be gentle with yourself!
Hugs
Cats
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
pineapple,
Don't be so hard on yourself. Back when my ex-rabf broke up with me in Jan of 06 I had many slips like you and either txted, emailed, or called him...and I had the exact same response after having done it that you are having now. Even a year 1/2 later I once in a while have a slip. Instead of beating yourself up over it accept that you did it, recognize how it made you feel, and make a plan for yourself with what you can do next time to stop yourself from calling (essentially changing the behavior). Things that worked for me were calling my Al-Anon sponsor, calling Al-Anon program friends, going for a mountain bike ride, just doing anything that would get me out of my apt and around people. I found if I allowed myself to be by myself when I started to have those urges to call, txt, or email I would more than likely end up doing it...but if I just got up and went and did something I'd forget about it very quickly.
Hang in there!!
~MTB
Don't be so hard on yourself. Back when my ex-rabf broke up with me in Jan of 06 I had many slips like you and either txted, emailed, or called him...and I had the exact same response after having done it that you are having now. Even a year 1/2 later I once in a while have a slip. Instead of beating yourself up over it accept that you did it, recognize how it made you feel, and make a plan for yourself with what you can do next time to stop yourself from calling (essentially changing the behavior). Things that worked for me were calling my Al-Anon sponsor, calling Al-Anon program friends, going for a mountain bike ride, just doing anything that would get me out of my apt and around people. I found if I allowed myself to be by myself when I started to have those urges to call, txt, or email I would more than likely end up doing it...but if I just got up and went and did something I'd forget about it very quickly.
Hang in there!!
~MTB
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i always felt like such an idiot after i called and didn't get what i want or felt like i needed from the conversation.
i just got tired of feeling like an idiot so i eventually stopped calling. it didn't happen overnight, though.
hugs to you, sweetie.
i just got tired of feeling like an idiot so i eventually stopped calling. it didn't happen overnight, though.
hugs to you, sweetie.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Done it and still doing it!!! I will stop when I am ready. Most of the time when i have rang him he's been drinking, which is then easier for me. Dont kick yourself your only human you miss him. Start again,codependants are similar to alcoholics, we are addicted to them and we fall off the wagon sometimes too. You are no idiot.
Mair x
Mair x
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Ahhhhhhh,,,Piney,,,doesn't it just frost your arse that they don't give a crap about ya?!?!?!?!?
I know, whenever I gave my XA the "power" he used it to the hilt. That was his "control" in a nutshell. Tell me all the things you KNOW I want to hear, so I can stick my nose in the air and PRETEND I am in control. All HE is doing is sitting around pining away for me,,,hahahahahahaha,,sorry, but that made even ME laugh!!! If I wait long enough, time it just right, when I call, I can do the SAME THING to him!!! Make him squirm, FEEL that he is losing the best thing he ever had, do the codie/alkie DANCE. Before ya know it, I'm a fully and officially SUCKED BACK IN!!!!
Beat myself up? You bet ya!! The whole time, KNOWING I am not going to expereince the outcome I desire, but COMPELLED to keep the dance going!! That is MY disease!!!
Oh ya, the "blame" game,,he,he,he
Part of the dance. Keeps ya stuck. Forgetting that what you have LEARNED is easier to recapture because you have gone through it once. You don't lose it sweetie, just need to call it up. You know the samarai stance? Where they bend at the knees, do the BIG grunt, like their about to take the biggest,,,ummmmmmmm,,,,,bodily function,,,he,he,he,,,Put yourself in that stance, and bring that poop up!!! All your hard work. To the surface and let go of the dance.
Blame is a symptom of the disease
Peace
I know, whenever I gave my XA the "power" he used it to the hilt. That was his "control" in a nutshell. Tell me all the things you KNOW I want to hear, so I can stick my nose in the air and PRETEND I am in control. All HE is doing is sitting around pining away for me,,,hahahahahahaha,,sorry, but that made even ME laugh!!! If I wait long enough, time it just right, when I call, I can do the SAME THING to him!!! Make him squirm, FEEL that he is losing the best thing he ever had, do the codie/alkie DANCE. Before ya know it, I'm a fully and officially SUCKED BACK IN!!!!
Beat myself up? You bet ya!! The whole time, KNOWING I am not going to expereince the outcome I desire, but COMPELLED to keep the dance going!! That is MY disease!!!
Oh ya, the "blame" game,,he,he,he
Part of the dance. Keeps ya stuck. Forgetting that what you have LEARNED is easier to recapture because you have gone through it once. You don't lose it sweetie, just need to call it up. You know the samarai stance? Where they bend at the knees, do the BIG grunt, like their about to take the biggest,,,ummmmmmmm,,,,,bodily function,,,he,he,he,,,Put yourself in that stance, and bring that poop up!!! All your hard work. To the surface and let go of the dance.
Blame is a symptom of the disease
Peace
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
One of the most important lessons that I've learned since I joined this forum is to stop being unkind to myself. If I tell myself that I'm an idiot, a loser, and stupid often enough, I start to believe it. These days, if I have a weak moment and repeat a past unhealthy behavior, I simply chalk it up to being human.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
but... u know when u tell urself I WILL NOT DO IT! I WILL NOT DO IT! NOPE! NO WAY! and u tell all ur friends/supporters U WILL NOT DO IT!
then the weak moment hit. and i f'in did it.
after I posted this i just tried my best to fall asleep and for get about it. because the feeling of failure was hurt so bad.
After I got off the phone with him, I was cryingggg and I kept saying "I hate him! I hate you! I hate you! Why did I meet you!" ....over and over
How could I go from warm feelings... and congratulating him, and being happy for him to hating him... is this what I need to get over him? I can't just be happy for someone? I have to hate them to cope?
the way it ended was:
He goes: OH! I got a massage the other day, and then i saw the health food store and said mmmm..let me just go in" (hes never gone to a health food store)
Me: Oh what did you get?!
Him: Oh I got some OneADay vitamins, and those fish oils u told me about...
Me: O? and how are they working out?...
Him: Oh, hold on, my other line.....
Me: *waiting, kicking self in head*
Him: Its my cousin, i think hes coming over, or we're going out.....
Me: Alright then, have a good one
Him: ARE YOU SURE everything ok baby cakes? (WTF? trying to be loving coz he feels BAD.)
Me: Ya man.... everything is cool, have a good one
Him: I'll call u soon... SOON LIKE...TOMORROW soon...
Me: ya, alright have a good one.
Tt was just so...stupid. Right then and there.... I am sure he feels he has the upper hand. but at the same time he is a softy and feels my pain.
after I got off the phone I DELETED his number(wow!) out of my phone. I guess that was the kicker.
Why couldn't I just be happy for him.... and why did I have to turn my happiness into anger towards him.... ?
then the weak moment hit. and i f'in did it.
after I posted this i just tried my best to fall asleep and for get about it. because the feeling of failure was hurt so bad.
After I got off the phone with him, I was cryingggg and I kept saying "I hate him! I hate you! I hate you! Why did I meet you!" ....over and over
How could I go from warm feelings... and congratulating him, and being happy for him to hating him... is this what I need to get over him? I can't just be happy for someone? I have to hate them to cope?
the way it ended was:
He goes: OH! I got a massage the other day, and then i saw the health food store and said mmmm..let me just go in" (hes never gone to a health food store)
Me: Oh what did you get?!
Him: Oh I got some OneADay vitamins, and those fish oils u told me about...
Me: O? and how are they working out?...
Him: Oh, hold on, my other line.....
Me: *waiting, kicking self in head*
Him: Its my cousin, i think hes coming over, or we're going out.....
Me: Alright then, have a good one
Him: ARE YOU SURE everything ok baby cakes? (WTF? trying to be loving coz he feels BAD.)
Me: Ya man.... everything is cool, have a good one
Him: I'll call u soon... SOON LIKE...TOMORROW soon...
Me: ya, alright have a good one.
Tt was just so...stupid. Right then and there.... I am sure he feels he has the upper hand. but at the same time he is a softy and feels my pain.
after I got off the phone I DELETED his number(wow!) out of my phone. I guess that was the kicker.
Why couldn't I just be happy for him.... and why did I have to turn my happiness into anger towards him.... ?
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Because you need to work through the emotions and the are new to you. Take your time. Be kind to yourself. And don't feel stupid for something someone did to you. You called and wished him well. There is nothing wrong with that. He got off the phone to party. There is something wrong with that. So who should feel badly? Pick up where you left off. You don't have to let someone's else's behaviors effect your outlook. You are doing a great job taking care of you. Talk about it in a group meeting. I bet you aren't the only one to fall off the wagon.
Jenny
Jenny
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
I don't feel like crap anymore. but I am still a little angry at myself for calling and worried about how I appear in his eye.. but I know thats the pride in me.
He called me last night and I guess that helped. Did I pick up? Heck no!
He left a message saying "*giggling* Sorry, I missed a few days, I missed a few days said Id call you the next day but... MISSED A FEW days! in any case, just checking to see if everything is ok..... okay....see ya"
I think that cave in gave me the strength I need to NEVER call again. I NEEEEED TO keep reminding myself that HEEEEEEEEEEE let MEEEEEEEEEEEE go.
God. but Why did that make me so angry? Before I was happy for him... and whatever the heck hes doing.... but now I am angry.
He called me last night and I guess that helped. Did I pick up? Heck no!
He left a message saying "*giggling* Sorry, I missed a few days, I missed a few days said Id call you the next day but... MISSED A FEW days! in any case, just checking to see if everything is ok..... okay....see ya"
I think that cave in gave me the strength I need to NEVER call again. I NEEEEED TO keep reminding myself that HEEEEEEEEEEE let MEEEEEEEEEEEE go.
God. but Why did that make me so angry? Before I was happy for him... and whatever the heck hes doing.... but now I am angry.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Hi Pineapple, i'm with you, anger set in for me Tuesday lol!!! I actually sat on the couch last night and said out loud "who the heck does he think he is" and why am i wasting even a miniscule of a thought on him anymore HE'S A JERK 
Your ex wanted to keep you dangling and dangling, he probably figured he hadn't heard from YOU in a few days and wanted to make sure you are still there. Good for you for geting angry, it's ok, it's part of the process....your turning the corner and sound good!
Your ex wanted to keep you dangling and dangling, he probably figured he hadn't heard from YOU in a few days and wanted to make sure you are still there. Good for you for geting angry, it's ok, it's part of the process....your turning the corner and sound good!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Posts: 157
thanks healther!
ya. i swear, I am still angry!!!! i dont know if I am really angry or creating anger to cope with all this and to stay strong.
I dont know. I am not crying everyday like I was! maybe because of the calls or because me and my best friend are talking again...
ok vent time: HBB WE NEED TO GET IN OUR HEAD THAT THEY LET US GO. BEFORE THE EXACT DATE THAT THEY BROKE IT OFF WITH US, THEY WERE COMING UP WITH THE PLAN TO BREAK UP WITH US. SO THEY WERE OUT DAYS/WEEKS/MONTHS BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY DID IT. SO THEY LOST FEELINGS FOR US! AND OH WELL!!!!!! WE DID EVERYTHING FOR THEM. ACTUALLY, WE PROBABLY BECAME SUPER HUMAN TO FIT THEIR EACH AND EVERY NEED AND THEY STIIIIIIILLLLL LET US GO. EVEN IF WE GAVE THEM A 10 MILLION DOLLARS. THEY STILL WOULD NOT CHANGE, WANT US, ETC. SO THERE.
WHY ON EARTH ARE YOUR FINGERS DIALING MYYY NUMBER??? WHAT DO U WANT???? WHAT DO I HAVE FOR YOU?!?!!? GO GET SOBER AND LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT ME LIKE YOU WANTED.... (wanted oooo so much that you broke up with me knowing we wound be stuck on vacation together! URG) anyways.... *exhails* that felt ......kinda.............. good....
ya. i swear, I am still angry!!!! i dont know if I am really angry or creating anger to cope with all this and to stay strong.
I dont know. I am not crying everyday like I was! maybe because of the calls or because me and my best friend are talking again...
ok vent time: HBB WE NEED TO GET IN OUR HEAD THAT THEY LET US GO. BEFORE THE EXACT DATE THAT THEY BROKE IT OFF WITH US, THEY WERE COMING UP WITH THE PLAN TO BREAK UP WITH US. SO THEY WERE OUT DAYS/WEEKS/MONTHS BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY DID IT. SO THEY LOST FEELINGS FOR US! AND OH WELL!!!!!! WE DID EVERYTHING FOR THEM. ACTUALLY, WE PROBABLY BECAME SUPER HUMAN TO FIT THEIR EACH AND EVERY NEED AND THEY STIIIIIIILLLLL LET US GO. EVEN IF WE GAVE THEM A 10 MILLION DOLLARS. THEY STILL WOULD NOT CHANGE, WANT US, ETC. SO THERE.
WHY ON EARTH ARE YOUR FINGERS DIALING MYYY NUMBER??? WHAT DO U WANT???? WHAT DO I HAVE FOR YOU?!?!!? GO GET SOBER AND LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT ME LIKE YOU WANTED.... (wanted oooo so much that you broke up with me knowing we wound be stuck on vacation together! URG) anyways.... *exhails* that felt ......kinda.............. good....
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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I am pretty sure that somewhere down the line I will bump into him in person.
And I really don't want to do what I did last time (or on the phone! sound sad/dissapointed)
I want to be strong. Last time we had an encounter I was moping, sighing, all sad, venting, etc! I felt like an idiot.
I know when u bump into ur ex you should be happy and appear like life is GRAND!
I guess i'll have to lie... or work damn hard to make life grand? I dunno.
damn. i have lots of work to do... i don't want to think about all this.....
And I really don't want to do what I did last time (or on the phone! sound sad/dissapointed)
I want to be strong. Last time we had an encounter I was moping, sighing, all sad, venting, etc! I felt like an idiot.
I know when u bump into ur ex you should be happy and appear like life is GRAND!
I guess i'll have to lie... or work damn hard to make life grand? I dunno.
damn. i have lots of work to do...
i don't want to think about all this.....
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by pineapple2007 
ok vent time: HBB WE NEED TO GET IN OUR HEAD THAT THEY LET US GO. BEFORE THE EXACT DATE THAT THEY BROKE IT OFF WITH US, THEY WERE COMING UP WITH THE PLAN TO BREAK UP WITH US. SO THEY WERE OUT DAYS/WEEKS/MONTHS BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY DID IT. SO THEY LOST FEELINGS FOR US! AND OH WELL!!!!!! WE DID EVERYTHING FOR THEM. ACTUALLY, WE PROBABLY BECAME SUPER HUMAN TO FIT THEIR EACH AND EVERY NEED AND THEY STIIIIIIILLLLL LET US GO. EVEN IF WE GAVE THEM A 10 MILLION DOLLARS. THEY STILL WOULD NOT CHANGE, WANT US, ETC. SO THERE.
Their loss, they will look back someday and we will be FAR gone
good luck to them!!
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