RisingSun

Hi Everyone.. This is my first post although i've been reading the boards for a bit now... My mom started out as an acholic and has now turned to heavy drug use.

Growing up, i was very lucky because i believe my mom was in recorvey (even though it was never said) with the exception of a few choice times were i remember her being smash. She cleaned her life up for me since i didn't have a father i guess. (we lived with my grandparents and aunt). Right before i turned 21 she started going to bars again. The same time that i met my husband. I thouhgt it was great because i would go with her and we would party. the only prblem was i would be the one taking care of her by the end of the night. My husband and i were together for 4 months before he asked me to marry him when i was 20, and two months later we were living together. My mom... seemed to take this hard, she said she thought she was loosing me, that we didn't have enough time together as an adults (aka to party).

i know it's not my fault 9it took me awhile to realize that it wasn't) but my entire family blames me, because it happen right after i 'left' her and they are very open to tll me this.

Now i'm 23 and my mom is a meth/heroni addict. she has a convict bofriend and lives in north philly. she puts my family threw hell all the time. she's stole thousands of dollars from my 90 year old great grandmom. She distroyed my credit by using my credit cards. last friday she tried to break into my housei am conviced she tried to break into my house when i wasn't home. She tried to use her key when i was at work without knowing i changed the locks. she lies and but i can never seem to confont her. my whole life my family has brushed things under the rug - huge massive things.

So what i'm wondering is how do you come up with the courage to confront the one you love? i know that i can't change her. but i can't go on talking to her like there is nothing wrong when i can hear in her voice how high she is. i don't want to act stupid to her lies anymore but i just don't know if i'm stong enough to tell her i know who she is. i don't know if i'm strong enough to keep her in my life - and i'm not sure how to go on having her in it.
thanks for listening.

denny57

Welcome, RisingSun, glad you're here!

I'm sorry to hear about your mom and what you are dealing with at such a young age.
Al-Anon has been very important in my own recovery. I've been to some meetings in your area which were good - have you considered that?

Please keep posting - look forward to having you here. ((()))

Wascally Wabbit

I am learning that when someone dumps a problem that isn't mine, in my lap, I stand up and brush it off. I didn't own it, and I didn't ask for it.

No, it's not your fault. It's a choice she makes every day to take drugs and alcohol. No one is holding her head and forcing it down her throat.
Addicts and alkies all like to blame their miserable existance on the people closest to them, when in fact, they are responsible for their own misery. Drugging and drinking only heightens the misery.

She needs a counselor. She needs AA.

My mom was the worse imaginable alcoholic. Hateful. mean, I can't begin to tell you how horrid she was. She got into AA and has been completely sober for 30 years.

It can happen.
In the mean time, please go directly to an alanon meeting. You will not regret it. It is literally a lifesaver for those who have addicted love ones.

cmc

I'm glad you decided to post and wanted to welcome you to the forum and to SR.
When I realized that I needed help I attended Alanon meetings whenever I could and as often as possible. It helped me to go to some open AA and NA meetings as well.

You ask about confronting her, but what I learned works better is to have good boundaries and be willing to enforce them. Confronting an active addict never accomplished much but to make me more frustrated.

respektingme

Welcome risingsun. It's so sad that you've had to go through this turmoil with your mother at such a young age. Sad that you weren't given a loving sendoff to live an independent, adult life. Sad that you weren't given guilt-free approval to live peacefully in your marriage.

Many of the issues you are dealing with, and answers to the questions you have can be found in Alanon. I just started going a few months ago. I have not missed one meeting since I started going. There's something about being in a roomful of people who have been where you are, and many who have found peace. You'll get support and a safe place to share your feelings.

Too bad that your family blames you. Blame is a very common problem in addiction. Before I knew my husband had a problem, we used to go out to bars. My mother-in-law told me later that she blamed me for his drinking. But she knew he was an alcoholic, I didn't. So why didn't she tell me if she was so concerned???

Go to Alanon. You'll be glad you did.

sunshine321

Read and get as much information as you can. Read Codependency No More. There are a lot of helpful insights that will help you to realize that you are not to blame and help you to start setting boundaries for yourself.

It's hard to confront someone. I think you should go to Al-Anon meetings first to help establish a support for yourself before you take such an important step in talking to your mother. Remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You need tools in order to feel secure in setting those boundaries. I'm still trying to figure out how to use mine. I hope you have a supportive husband you can lean on in the meantime. And keep coming here. The people here are wonderful and honest. They will listen and help in any way they can without enabling.

Jenny