krhea75

My son came home on pass from rehab for the day, and it wasn't the greatest day. He was very quiet towards me, although kind. He spent the day with friends on and off, two girls that were arrested the same week-end he was. They also had drugs to sell. He kept trying to get me to talk about whether he would go to the recovery house after rehab or come home. He is so clueless. Where did he get this idea that it was his choice? On the way home in the car we got into an argument about this whole thing. It's so frustrating as a parent to hear your child make such assinine statements as "I'll get the charges dropped, you can't make me go, i'd rather go to jail, blah, blah, blah." Anyway,it ended badly and after I left him at rehab, I felt relief and then guilt.

His counselor will talk to him today about his decision to send AS to recovery house, so we will see. He will be so mad. How can he be so blind to what he has done? HOw can he remember only the positive things and gloss over the negative? Where is his reality? I have a feeling that reality is going to hit ihim hard and then he will come whining to me.
I am tired of his chaos, tired of his denial, tired of the wholething. I think I will go for a walk now, even though it's supposed to get up to 98 today. I have to keep moving or I will crumble.
krhea

ladyjane

I guess I must be a cruel Mom. I would rather see as or ad in jail than out using and creating chaos in our lives. I know they both will be going there eventually. All things point to it.
Be strong krhea. It's hard to be a mom.
_______________
Trish

BigSis

Man this sounds familiar.

My daughter would pressure me EVERY time we got together... a weekend visit, a home pass... a phone call... Gad! It got so annoying!

She wanted to come home so she could use. Period.

She was sent to a recovery house after one rehab and though she ended up failing a UA following a home pass... it was a GOOD thing! Her drug of choice is meth - and every DAY she doesn't have that drug in her brain is a good thing. I figured 30 days in rehab followed by even one day in recovery house was one more day clean.

It turned out that she stayed in recovery house (clean) for two additional months (almost 3). That was a long stretch of clean time... nearly 4 months all said and done. It was good for her to get truly clean for a while. It helped her really see her situation and how far down she had fallen.

Her recovery house was followed by a period of being back out there... followed by a short, short stay at a faith based rehab, followed by back out there... followed by a court-ordered "choice" of rehab or jail. All of this happened from November to April... a short, but chaotic 6 month period of time. At that final rehab, she "got it" - she heard some things she had not heard before, and met someone who meant so much to her that they ended up getting married (I know! not my choice - but hey, she is STILL in love with him 2 years later...smile).

Her recovery did not follow "my" plan... at all. But it is her life and her path. And looking back, I realize I had almost nothing to do with it at all.

I hope your son is successful at recovery house. I pray that he can have an open mind and heart.... but even if it is just a few more weeks of clean time - that can help, too. Recovery doesn't have to be perfect to work.


(((hugs)))

krhea75

Thanks bigsis and lady, I know it is the right thing to do. I am not doubting that. Your support is unbelievably important to me.
krhea

frankly

((kr))

Once a seed of recovery is planted, it's always there in the back of their mind. They may fight it, they may ignore it, but it's always there. It's hard to unlearn anything that you learn. My hopes and prayers are that your son "gets it" and that you find some peace in your heart.

B

parentrecovers

just don't let him come home on pass, if it's not working.

hugs, k

hang in there...........thinking about you.

lil516

Your son's behavior is all too familiar...I am sorry to say that even after a year we still have those conversations...

what I am learning (slowly...I am a slooow learner !) is not to participate in the debate....
my husband refers to it as playing verbal ping pong...he starts presenting his opinions and I fall into the trap of discussing and before I know it, it sounds like I've agreed to some but not all of the plan when in reality I am not in favor of any of the plan!

now I try (emphasis on try) to just say no as soon as the twisted thinking starts and refuse to engage in negotiating.....

easier said than done but crucial...

keeping you in my prayers

krhea75

Verbal pingpong! Yes that is exactly what it is! I did pretty well during the day of not playing, but on the way home I fell into the trap. Maybe the image of that verbal pingpong will help me remember to just nip it in the bud! Thanks lil and others.
krhea

laketime

krhea,
Ill share a little recent hope ive had with my as. Keep in mind im not letting my expectations get to high for now. he's been in an Oxford house for a little over a month now. Youll probably remember the only reason he agreed to go is because he couldn't come home and I wouldn't get him out of jail otherwise. We have talked to him by phone quite a bit lately and there seems to be a big change. He's keeping a job and talking about getting another. He's going to meetings. Hes inquiring about getting his G.E.D, He's secretary of the house and the guys are trying to get him to be President. He's talking like "the old Justin" he called me today to tell me he loved me (absolutely blew me away). He called his mother over the weekend to let her know how sorry he was for all the things he's done to her. Hes paying his own court fines and his own rent and expenses. Things he hasn't done his entire life, and this is all happened in less than 60 days. Again, Im not getting my hopes up, but less than two months ago he was smoking crack, living on the streets, stealing everyone blind, and in and out of jail. So im keeping my fingers crossed. I do know that none of this would be going on if I let him live back here with me. I know when my days are darkest , I love to hear positive things from parents with the same problems as me. So maybe this will give you some hope too, and maybe my good fortune will continue.

hope213

i have heard all that before, lots of times. when he calls you & he will, tell him you do not want to hear it. tell him the recovery house is where he needs to be & he can not come home EVER unless he works the program & makes a lot of changes. it is so unfair to us to have to listen to them when it was not us that got them where they are.prayers for you both.

krhea75

Thanks Laketime and hope, good advice and words. I'm so glad your son is doing well. It does give me hope.
krhea

Spiritual Seeker

Sometimes all we can do is get out of the way and let them quack. My heart goes out to you as you struggle today ((((Krhea75))))) If it is diff. to have him home on a pass maybe next time just take him for a meal and a movie and then back. It is a rollercoaster...no doubt about it. I had a down cyle last week but I am on the up cyle now. Just have to know the up cylce is coming around.Hang in there.

dor51

I know how long and frustrating it can be. My son was in six programs and two halfway houses trying to recover from heroin. He wanted to recover but his brain kept telling him otherwise. His last stay at a recovery house ended with a call from a kind policeman who told me...you better get your son some help or he'll be dead.
He admitted to using again and went to detox. This time he left the state to a Salavation Army Rehabilitation Center. So far ...only five months and he is doing great....even wants to stay there and work/go to school. It's different for everyone. Something has to click for them. I pray that this is it.

blue pansy

It must be really difficult for your son to be home just for one day. Being around girls he used with doesn't seem to be a great idea (my opinion). Being home might make him fall back into the old ways of thinking and speaking. When my daughter was in rehab there was no home visits, thank God.
Maybe no more home visits until he seems a bit more ready to face reality, easier for both of you.
Being a mom is not easy!!

Lobo

krhea,
Sorry to hear your week-end didn't go so well. There are ups and downs. That doesn't mean the next visit won't be good. Stay strong and stick to your boundries.
Your son is young, he has a lot to learn. On top of him having an addiction he is also being a teen. We know that teens are unpredictable even without drugs. Maybe you can't blame all of his behavior on drugs.

Hugs...............Lo

krhea75

Thanks for all the support. You guys are the greatest! I got a call from him today and he sounded so upbeat. He's talking about an Oxford House in the same town as his rehab place. This would only be 2 hours away from home. I'm not sure if it will work because he would have to be emancipated before they would accept him there. It was just good to hear him saying that he would go to a recovery house. His counselor is amazing. He must have really worked him over. He basically said to my AS that he would keep him in rehab until he was healthy enough to make the right decision. I go up on Wednesday for a meeting where we will be making some final decisions. I just feel so much better tonight. Your support and prayers are awesome. Isn't it kind of cool how laketime just mentioned an Oxford house in his post? I'm feeling a vibe here.....Maybe it will work out somehow.
Love you all!
krhea

lostparent

Hoping an praying that it works out for him an you.