divorce caused by gambling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 8
divorce caused by gambling
Hi everyone,
I've been battling with my wifes gambling for several years
now and I made the decision on june 19th to seperate for a while after she told me she would not stop as long as we were together. In the past when ever we would have a big arguement over her gambling she would kick me out of the house and tell me I was the reason for her gambling, within a week we would be back together because I would say I'm sorry and beleive that I was the cause. This time about a week later she became verrry angry with me and now wants a divorce and yes she is still gambling.
The last six months had been getting worse with her gambling as she would spend her whole paycheck in 2 or 3 nights at the casino knowing that we needed the money to pay bills that were severely late on. She even lost her job of 7 years and that didn't stop her from gambling away the income I was making to feed our 4 children and try to pay bills. Even after getting a new job , I have seen very little if any of her income to pay bills. She says shes tired of my nagging her about our finances and says our marriage has been over for a while. This really hurts because she has told me in the past to do what I had to do stop her from gambling and that she wouldn't leave me.
I LOVE my wife and kids very much but I feel like I'm trying to stop the inevitable. I've always beleived that she would one day get help and that all we've been through would be worth it to save our relationship. Sadly, divorce is all she wants and is probably the best for the both of us as I've played the enabler for to long.
Fast forward to today, currently waiting to be served D papers. Wife still doesn't want any thing to do with me and she is still gambling , although not as often . Maybe once a week. She is trying to prove a point to me that she can stop.
Her family is going to suport her by helping pay the mortgage and has given her the funds to hire a lawyer. She will never fall to her bottom as long as they are helping her.
I can't believe I'm losing my family.
Thanks for reading my story.
If interested , I have a thread going over on marriagebuilders.com under emotional needs, under same thread name.
I've been battling with my wifes gambling for several years
now and I made the decision on june 19th to seperate for a while after she told me she would not stop as long as we were together. In the past when ever we would have a big arguement over her gambling she would kick me out of the house and tell me I was the reason for her gambling, within a week we would be back together because I would say I'm sorry and beleive that I was the cause. This time about a week later she became verrry angry with me and now wants a divorce and yes she is still gambling.
The last six months had been getting worse with her gambling as she would spend her whole paycheck in 2 or 3 nights at the casino knowing that we needed the money to pay bills that were severely late on. She even lost her job of 7 years and that didn't stop her from gambling away the income I was making to feed our 4 children and try to pay bills. Even after getting a new job , I have seen very little if any of her income to pay bills. She says shes tired of my nagging her about our finances and says our marriage has been over for a while. This really hurts because she has told me in the past to do what I had to do stop her from gambling and that she wouldn't leave me.
I LOVE my wife and kids very much but I feel like I'm trying to stop the inevitable. I've always beleived that she would one day get help and that all we've been through would be worth it to save our relationship. Sadly, divorce is all she wants and is probably the best for the both of us as I've played the enabler for to long.
Fast forward to today, currently waiting to be served D papers. Wife still doesn't want any thing to do with me and she is still gambling , although not as often . Maybe once a week. She is trying to prove a point to me that she can stop.
Her family is going to suport her by helping pay the mortgage and has given her the funds to hire a lawyer. She will never fall to her bottom as long as they are helping her.
I can't believe I'm losing my family.
Thanks for reading my story.
If interested , I have a thread going over on marriagebuilders.com under emotional needs, under same thread name.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Hi, Dave;
We have a gambling forum here, and I'd be happy to move this there, *if* you'd like me to.
I divorced my ex after 24 years, in part due to his gambling. He was gambling away the mortgage. The first time, I forgave him. I didn't really have a clue about addiction, let alone gambling addiction!!!
The second time I started getting the collection calls due to his gambling, it was over. I knew it would never stop. There were other issues, for sure. My son's heroin addiction for one!
But, gambling is an addiction and the fact is, until we know what an addiction *really* is, we, who care for our spouses, our children, our loved ones, enable. We do the best we can do until we've learned better. Then, we do better.
Your in-laws will learn eventually, too. I'm sorry you are going through all this pain. Please remember to care for yourself. And your beautiful children. This is going to be very difficult for all of you. They will need you. And it's only when we take care of ourselves that we can care for those who depend upon us.
I wish you only the best. I hope to get to know you as we both grow in our recovery.
Shalom!
We have a gambling forum here, and I'd be happy to move this there, *if* you'd like me to.
I divorced my ex after 24 years, in part due to his gambling. He was gambling away the mortgage. The first time, I forgave him. I didn't really have a clue about addiction, let alone gambling addiction!!!
The second time I started getting the collection calls due to his gambling, it was over. I knew it would never stop. There were other issues, for sure. My son's heroin addiction for one!
But, gambling is an addiction and the fact is, until we know what an addiction *really* is, we, who care for our spouses, our children, our loved ones, enable. We do the best we can do until we've learned better. Then, we do better.
Your in-laws will learn eventually, too. I'm sorry you are going through all this pain. Please remember to care for yourself. And your beautiful children. This is going to be very difficult for all of you. They will need you. And it's only when we take care of ourselves that we can care for those who depend upon us.
I wish you only the best. I hope to get to know you as we both grow in our recovery.
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, DaveR - glad you're here
I have a couple questions, if you don't mind. Are you getting any kind of outside help for yourself? Have you made any move to separate your finances?
Please keep posting - the addiction may not be alcohol, but I think the way your wife's addiction affects you is much like it is for me.
((()))
I have a couple questions, if you don't mind. Are you getting any kind of outside help for yourself? Have you made any move to separate your finances?
Please keep posting - the addiction may not be alcohol, but I think the way your wife's addiction affects you is much like it is for me.
((()))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hi,Dave.....glad you found us. I'm sorry to hear your "story"......insert "drinking" for "gambling" and much of our stories are alike.
This is a great place to take the focus off "them" and try to put the focus back on things we can actually do to heal ourselves and often the situation as a whole. Hope you stick around.
Sounds like you and your kids need a calmer and more stable home;hopefully she will eventually realize she does indeed have a problem and then do something to get ome help for it. In the mean time,you and your children can begin to get help for yourselves.
Read the posts and adapt them to your situation....the principals apply in dealing with an addiction;no matter what the addiction is. Just the details are a little different. Detatching,etc are learned and have helped me a lot;but they are taking me practice and understanding to use in my own life. I learn about it here; reading and sharing.
Hope you find some hope and help here.
This is a great place to take the focus off "them" and try to put the focus back on things we can actually do to heal ourselves and often the situation as a whole. Hope you stick around.
Sounds like you and your kids need a calmer and more stable home;hopefully she will eventually realize she does indeed have a problem and then do something to get ome help for it. In the mean time,you and your children can begin to get help for yourselves.
Read the posts and adapt them to your situation....the principals apply in dealing with an addiction;no matter what the addiction is. Just the details are a little different. Detatching,etc are learned and have helped me a lot;but they are taking me practice and understanding to use in my own life. I learn about it here; reading and sharing.
Hope you find some hope and help here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Hi Dave. A neighbor of mine went thru this sort of situation a few years ago. She had no idea her husband was a gambler until she found out he hade umpteen credit cards all maxed out with cash advances he was using to support his habit. She ended up divorcing him and having to refinance their home to pay off the debts since the law viewed them as marital debt. In the end, she was much happier and eventually found a good man to spend her life with. Her kids were much better off without the drama and craziness too.
You will get thru this. I hope you also have an attorney. Have you considered trying for custody of the kids?
You will get thru this. I hope you also have an attorney. Have you considered trying for custody of the kids?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 8
Thanks everone for the warm welcome.
I am currently going to 2 gam-anon meetings a week and seeing a therapist. Last july I started going to gam-anon when the wife wanted to sepperate then. I went to about 6 meetings before I stopped at that time. The W started going to a GA meeting on a different nite and I thought I could stop mine because she was getting help, well that lasted all of 2 meetings before she made excuses not to go and was back at the casino the next week. I should have kept going to my meetings, maybe if I had learned to use the tools that gam-anon was giving me, I wouldn't be where I am now. This time, even after the divorce I do not plan to stop going to meetings.
I really hope to emerge from this life lesson to become a better man and to be a better father to my kids. It's sad how my wifes addiction allowed me to be so angry all the time, especialy towards my children. Since leaving, I've found myself spending quality time with the kids since I don't see them everyday.
Thanks again and I hope to keep posting here.
I am currently going to 2 gam-anon meetings a week and seeing a therapist. Last july I started going to gam-anon when the wife wanted to sepperate then. I went to about 6 meetings before I stopped at that time. The W started going to a GA meeting on a different nite and I thought I could stop mine because she was getting help, well that lasted all of 2 meetings before she made excuses not to go and was back at the casino the next week. I should have kept going to my meetings, maybe if I had learned to use the tools that gam-anon was giving me, I wouldn't be where I am now. This time, even after the divorce I do not plan to stop going to meetings.
I really hope to emerge from this life lesson to become a better man and to be a better father to my kids. It's sad how my wifes addiction allowed me to be so angry all the time, especialy towards my children. Since leaving, I've found myself spending quality time with the kids since I don't see them everyday.
Thanks again and I hope to keep posting here.
I can only change myself.
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Wisconeeeeeeeee
Posts: 61
Dave,
Don't beat yourself up because you stopped going to meetings last summer. Even if you would have continued with the meetings your W would/may still be in the same position she is today.
It sucks that we can't do enough to get them to change. That part is all in their hands.
The one thing that would have happened for you had you kept going to the meetings is you would have found a better way for YOU to be OK whilst your W continued to progress in her addiction. Remember addicts need to hit their bottom before they'll seek help. And most will relapse, sometimes more than once, before they truly recover. Unfortunately some never do recover.
I think you are doing all the right things so you may work on yourself. But please let go of any guilt you may be feeling because your M seems to be failing and your children are being put in the position they are in. You didn't create any of this mess so don't put any blame on your shoulders. You did the best you could with what you had at that time.
It sounds really great to hear that you are concentrating on those kids. Take this time to make life enjoyable for them. Play games with them, laugh with them, learn new and exciting things to do together. Become the lighthouse for them and your W. Show them the path to a safer, healthier life. You will become the hero for those children.
I have one more suggestion for you. Take this time to take care of yourself. Do something for you. Get yourself detached from the agony that your M and your W's addiction has created for you. Get back out there and start trying to enjoy life again. It's too short to wait around for your addicted W.
It's good to see you here. You take care.
Don't beat yourself up because you stopped going to meetings last summer. Even if you would have continued with the meetings your W would/may still be in the same position she is today.
It sucks that we can't do enough to get them to change. That part is all in their hands.
The one thing that would have happened for you had you kept going to the meetings is you would have found a better way for YOU to be OK whilst your W continued to progress in her addiction. Remember addicts need to hit their bottom before they'll seek help. And most will relapse, sometimes more than once, before they truly recover. Unfortunately some never do recover.
I think you are doing all the right things so you may work on yourself. But please let go of any guilt you may be feeling because your M seems to be failing and your children are being put in the position they are in. You didn't create any of this mess so don't put any blame on your shoulders. You did the best you could with what you had at that time.
It sounds really great to hear that you are concentrating on those kids. Take this time to make life enjoyable for them. Play games with them, laugh with them, learn new and exciting things to do together. Become the lighthouse for them and your W. Show them the path to a safer, healthier life. You will become the hero for those children.
I have one more suggestion for you. Take this time to take care of yourself. Do something for you. Get yourself detached from the agony that your M and your W's addiction has created for you. Get back out there and start trying to enjoy life again. It's too short to wait around for your addicted W.
It's good to see you here. You take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 8
It just so hard to realize whats happening, everyday I would tell her that I love her. Most times she would say she loves me back but once in a while she would say I'm crazy and that I deserve better. On fathers day, we spent the day with her family playing games and having fun. At one point she made a comment that we'd grow old together and gave me a big kiss out of the blue. It drives me crazy thinking of all the good times we've spent together and it hurts so bad knowing she can just throw it all away with out trying to work on things.
She says she is ready to move on with her life with out me and that I need to get over it. Thats easy for her to say, I don't think I'll be ready to or even think about dating again for a long time. Why do I feel like I'm the one that should be the addict?
She says she is ready to move on with her life with out me and that I need to get over it. Thats easy for her to say, I don't think I'll be ready to or even think about dating again for a long time. Why do I feel like I'm the one that should be the addict?
I can only change myself.
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Wisconeeeeeeeee
Posts: 61
I would say DON'T TRUST ANYTHING SHE SAYS.
My gut tells me she's saying that you need to move on because you no longer fit into her gambling lifestyle. Her struggle with her addiction is making her choose and she's just not ready to give up her addiction ... for you.
I know that doesn't make you feel good about you but I think you need to realize just how horrible these addictions are.
Over on MB we talk about people of infidelity and how they act so differently than they did prior to their affair. They now rewrite history (the marriage always sucked, they never loved their spouse, etc). Many of the posters on MB try to put it this way to the betrayed spouse. "It's like your spouse has been captured by aliens and had their brains reprogrammed.".
You remember the good times. Her addiction won't let her. You are getting in the way of her addiction and therefore the addicition is becoming the alien that is reprogramming her mind.
I guess what I'm trying to get you to do is to be accepting that your W is sick... very sick. And that you need to treat her as though her brain has been abducted. Hopefully that will help you stop making these statements that say "Yeah, but we were so happy. I just don't understand.". I wish you could learn to understand there is a "what could have been" and I undertand there was a "what once was" but that just isn't there "right now". It doesn't mean its gone forever, it just means it isn't present 'right now'. Does that makes sense?
As far as ending it with her. For now I would say that may be best. Hold on to the love you have for your W (your real W not the alien W) as long as you can. There may come a day where she finds recovery and she'll be able to provide you with that same love you once had. Love your W but get yourself some boundaries and do what you have to do protect Dave and Dave's children.
She's in there somewhere Dave. She still loves you Dave. She's just not able to see it because it's all covered up with the crap the addiction has piled on top of it.
My gut tells me she's saying that you need to move on because you no longer fit into her gambling lifestyle. Her struggle with her addiction is making her choose and she's just not ready to give up her addiction ... for you.
I know that doesn't make you feel good about you but I think you need to realize just how horrible these addictions are.
Over on MB we talk about people of infidelity and how they act so differently than they did prior to their affair. They now rewrite history (the marriage always sucked, they never loved their spouse, etc). Many of the posters on MB try to put it this way to the betrayed spouse. "It's like your spouse has been captured by aliens and had their brains reprogrammed.".
You remember the good times. Her addiction won't let her. You are getting in the way of her addiction and therefore the addicition is becoming the alien that is reprogramming her mind.
I guess what I'm trying to get you to do is to be accepting that your W is sick... very sick. And that you need to treat her as though her brain has been abducted. Hopefully that will help you stop making these statements that say "Yeah, but we were so happy. I just don't understand.". I wish you could learn to understand there is a "what could have been" and I undertand there was a "what once was" but that just isn't there "right now". It doesn't mean its gone forever, it just means it isn't present 'right now'. Does that makes sense?
As far as ending it with her. For now I would say that may be best. Hold on to the love you have for your W (your real W not the alien W) as long as you can. There may come a day where she finds recovery and she'll be able to provide you with that same love you once had. Love your W but get yourself some boundaries and do what you have to do protect Dave and Dave's children.
She's in there somewhere Dave. She still loves you Dave. She's just not able to see it because it's all covered up with the crap the addiction has piled on top of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 8
I hate to do it,but her gambling is going to be brought up in the divorce. She says I have no proof of her gambling and that it will be all "he said, she said". I had the bank make copys of our bank statements going back several years and it is pretty clear when the atm withdrawls and checks have the casinos name on them. I really don't want to do this to her but maybe it will be a wake up call.
I don't want to turn this into a mud slinging contest and I know it may hurt any future relationship we might have.
What do ya think?
I don't want to turn this into a mud slinging contest and I know it may hurt any future relationship we might have.
What do ya think?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Tally up that amount and then consider how that money may have benefited the family. Not only should you bring it up, you should fiht for custody of your kids and for the home they live in. She will lose it all after she pees through her parents money. Knowing what you know, I think you have a responsibility to your kids to bring it up. If this comes before the Judge, he has the ability to spare so many of you any further consequence. She will lose the house and there's no way in the world I'd be leaving my kids with someone who may leave them to go off on a gambling binge.
Is she to be rewarded for all the damage shes done? She gets the kids, she gets the house, she have drained your accounts and now she will allow her parents to pick up the tab. I have a feeling she is anxious to get rid of you because there is debt you don't even know about.
Is she to be rewarded for all the damage shes done? She gets the kids, she gets the house, she have drained your accounts and now she will allow her parents to pick up the tab. I have a feeling she is anxious to get rid of you because there is debt you don't even know about.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by DaveR 
I hate to do it,but her gambling is going to be brought up in the divorce. She says I have no proof of her gambling and that it will be all "he said, she said". I had the bank make copys of our bank statements going back several years and it is pretty clear when the atm withdrawls and checks have the casinos name on them. I really don't want to do this to her but maybe it will be a wake up call.
I don't want to turn this into a mud slinging contest and I know it may hurt any future relationship we might have.
What do ya think?
I don't want to turn this into a mud slinging contest and I know it may hurt any future relationship we might have.
What do ya think?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 8
am going to fight for custody or at least 50/50. She assumes she will get full and I will be left only seeing them every other weekend. She does have a really good attorney but I don't think they will be able to dispute the facts of her gambling when shown in court.
As for the house, I can't afford the payment on my own nor can she so the house will have to be sold. Moving into our cuurent home 2 years ago was one of our mistakes. Even though it would take almost half of our income to pay the mortgage , the wife said that if we bought the house she would stop gambling. One week later after moving in she was back at the casino.
She does have some CC debt but not as much as I have. Paying bills and taking cash advances to pay the mortgage have accumulated me enuff debt that I could have bought a nice new car instead of driving a junker with 250k miles while the wife drives around in a new ford 500 that I'm paying the loan on. Sorry, I get a little angry when I think about that.
Her family knows about the gambling, I've told them when we couldn't pay bills. I think she has them smoke screened on how serious her addiction has become and has them believing that I've caused her unhappiness in our marriage
As for the house, I can't afford the payment on my own nor can she so the house will have to be sold. Moving into our cuurent home 2 years ago was one of our mistakes. Even though it would take almost half of our income to pay the mortgage , the wife said that if we bought the house she would stop gambling. One week later after moving in she was back at the casino.
She does have some CC debt but not as much as I have. Paying bills and taking cash advances to pay the mortgage have accumulated me enuff debt that I could have bought a nice new car instead of driving a junker with 250k miles while the wife drives around in a new ford 500 that I'm paying the loan on. Sorry, I get a little angry when I think about that.
Her family knows about the gambling, I've told them when we couldn't pay bills. I think she has them smoke screened on how serious her addiction has become and has them believing that I've caused her unhappiness in our marriage
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Welcome Dave. Sorry to hear you're going through all this. Strange how it's the exact same story, just a different addiction. Blame, denial, escalation, bottom coming up fast.
One thing.... When I was divorced I fought for my rights as a Father and would settle for nothing less than joint legal custody and 50/50 visitation. I set that expectation with my ex very early in the process and it turned out to be a smart move. My sons split their time between us right down the middle.
I think the only way to have an impact on your children is to be involved in their day to day routine as much as possible. No way was I going to do the every-other weekend Father. It blows my mind as to why Fathers settle for that crap, this isn't the 50s anymore. Good luck.
One thing.... When I was divorced I fought for my rights as a Father and would settle for nothing less than joint legal custody and 50/50 visitation. I set that expectation with my ex very early in the process and it turned out to be a smart move. My sons split their time between us right down the middle.
I think the only way to have an impact on your children is to be involved in their day to day routine as much as possible. No way was I going to do the every-other weekend Father. It blows my mind as to why Fathers settle for that crap, this isn't the 50s anymore. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I think another thing that is important to remember is to not take it personally. Addicts do what addicts do, and they rarely even consider what the effects on others are. She is not doing this "to you," she is just doing it.
I know it's hard not to, but try not to take it personally.
L
I know it's hard not to, but try not to take it personally.
L
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