wpgwoman

I have made a list of boundaries that my A will not cross or must adhere to while living in this home. These boundaries are not negotiable. They must be honored or he will lose his home and family. He actually believes this time that I mean business. I have seen him afraid of losing this life for first time. I am still too angry to discuss this with him right now(recent hidden binge at his families home in the country)but I want to add something to my list but I don't know if it is within my rights to do so.

I want him to tell his family that he is an alcoholic. I know they wonder why me and my sons(they are his step-sons)have not been around since early spring. When they have functions, only my A and our daughter attend. I don't go to their home and I did not vacation with them on their boat this year at all.

It is a source of stress that I don't need to be subjected to. Alcohol is abundant in their home. It makes me uncomfortable listening them to offer my A drink after drink. I can see that it also stresses him. I just feel that it would make the situation so much easier if he was honest with them. If they don't know the truth of the situation, how can they be supportive of his seeking treatment and not drinking.

I am not expecting them to change their lifestyle for us, just be respectful of the situation. And before you say it, yes I have just started attending Al-Anon.

Anyways, do I have the right to tell him that this is something he has to do if I he wants me to spend weekends, Thanksgiving, Christmas etc in his families home? The alternative is that I continue to not go.
Thanks in advance.

Apolla

Oh my God yes it's your right. We can't be in denial with them. People in their life, family needs to know so that they can be supportive. Not offering him booze. (That's not to say that they won't still anyway. People are so incredibly naive when it comes to alcoholism.)

I truly believe that we enable when we agree to keep their secret. When it's hushed up. If he had diabetes people would be told. This is a serious illness that needs serious treatment. 24/7.

GOOD for you. I'm with you. I did the same thing last month. Relapse one too many. I finally stuck to my threats. Out of the house until 6 months sober with full treatment. House in my name. We go to marriage therapy and I go to individual therapy.

FEELS great for ME! And he is finally taking care of his serious, life threatening disease of addiction.

Happy for you to be here, too!

irelandx7

It sounds to me like his entire family may have a bit of a drinking problem, too if they are freely distributing the juice to everyone. How can they be respectful of it, if quite honestly, they are in the same sinking boat as your husband.

I think you have every right to bring this up, considering your do have kids that don't need to be subjected to that kind of behaviour. We constantly go over to AH's dad's house (he is an A too) and it's just so uncomfortable.

I understand that you want to set boundaries, but will this request backfire? That is the question. Will you push hard enough for him to just say, "Screw it" and leave? Or do you think he's willing to listen to you and your demands? From my experience, demanding an A do something always backfires. JMO, though!

Apolla

It backfires ONLY if you are setting boundaries for THEM!

When we set healthy boundaries for ourselves - it never backfires. We just have to be ready to fully follow through.

When we decide that we are 100% unwilling to live lives of hell with a drinking alcohol, there is no losing for us. When we are ready to set a boundary that they need treatment for their disease or we will not live with them - life becomes much easier and much clearer.

Mine sure has! :-)

If my alcoholic spouse refuses treatment, keeps drinking and then leaves me because he doesn't like my healthy boundaries - he knows where the door is. The one thing I will do - is open it for him!

daisies

I had finally had "enough". I told my AH that he could NOT drink in the home or around the children. My stress level is so much lower because of it. I should have done this a long long time ago.

I told him that I did not care if he drank but that he just could NOT do it in the home or around the children. He has been sober for 41 days now. We shall see. He has only been to one AA meeting. I wish he would be more active in getting help, but that is not my decision to make for him. He and only he can make that decision.

best

This is an expectation. An expected result of him telling them he is an alcoholic.
You will get no support from them. They would be in denial and may even start lashing out towards you. He can't be an alcoholic because I drink just as much or more then him and I am not an alcoholic....That would be their thoughts and so who do they blame? Not him, and not self.... lets see...

His being an alcoholic, it is his place to tell who he wants to know that he is.
The stronger he gets in his recovery, the easier it will be for him to tell others what is what and then gather his own boundaries of telling them ...No, I don't want a drink.

Your boundaries are for "you"... This is my space and to keep my space in a manner I can live with....this is a boundary I am placing. Boundaries are not controls that tell him what to do, they are controls that keep our space in a state of peace.

As for your wishes that they know the truth of why you don't visit... That is something as husband and wife you two can talk over but I wouldn't set such as a requirement but as a request between a husband and wife.

Buffalo66

One day, I would love to see the entire list of boundaries, if you ever felt OK to share them. I have made a few lists before, and e mailed them, but there was no acknowledgement of any of it at all.

I feel like, since we will have to deal with the parenting thing, that I am going to have to remake a list, and I could use any ideas...I can sometimes get spaced out and lose track of my own mind when I try to clarify what I need sometimes. go figure...

wpgwoman

His mother only drinks socially and is quite aware that her son has a drinking problem. She just hasn't put a name to it yet. It's the rest of the family that likes their booze.

I don't see how it can backfire since I am more than willing to walk away from this relationship right now. I have nothing left to lose.

I have to admit that is one boundary that he has not crossed. I have not seen alcohol in this home for about a year. I have not seen him drunk in that long either. It is the sneaking around behind my back that really gets to me.

I agree with you here, but he also wants us to all be in the family home. I am not comfortable with how it is right now. It's like an accident waiting to happen. I thought it was a way to compromise not control. At this point personally, I am happier to continue not going there. He is the one who is pushing the issue.

You are suggesting that we discuss this subject as a couple. How do I do this without setting a boundary?

best

A boundary would be.... I don't want to go to your parents house because it makes me feel uneasy.
A control would be... tell them this or that.
A boundary would be... Unless I feel more comfortable at your parents house, I will stay away.
Them putting a name on his issues is not a boundary.... you are looking for expectations and results from a request that would be a control not a boundary.

A boundary would be...going there and using "your" tools of recovery of not letting what they do or don't do eat at you.

When we expect things from others, we end up disappointed just about every time.
Boundaries are "our" choices that we make. If this happens...My choice is to do this or not do this...
Boundaries are letting others know what we will accept or not accept...they are not controls for others but guidelines that we use to keep our space in a state of peace.

denny57

I don't believe I have the right to tell someone else how to live their life, what they "need" to tell others for my benefit, etc. Why don't YOU tell his family why you are not attending? I don't think it involves saying "A is an alcoholic," but just an honest explanation of why you are not comfortable. Isn't that what it's all about - taking responsibility and stating our needs?

Apolla

Personally - I think until people call it like it is - it is enabling.

If it were me and I was not comfortable going I wouldn't go. And as you describe it I wouldn't be comfortable. IF he wanted me to go I would only go if the family was informed of the problem. IF he wouldn't do that, I would not go. IF asked, I would be 100% honest and tell them exactly why. I will not keep unhealthy secrets.

If my alcoholic husband goes and comes home drunk - he can go right back where he came from.

Once told of his problem. there can be no expectation that they will stop pushing alcohol on a sick man BUT it gives a loving a family a chance to support him.

Please read this amazing book - No More Letting Go. It describes exactly how to bring other family members who care into help.

The ultimate goal, IMO, is to get our loved ones who are ill - proper medical, psychological treatment.

Lady BlueMiles

I would be interested to know what recovering alcholics do about visits and events with their families that like the booze. I can understand not going to bars and detaching from unhealthy friendships for avoiding temptation but this has to be a tough issue for maintaining relationships with boozing family members.

In the end the responsibility of maintaining sobriety falls on the shoulders of the recovering A in any given situation. imo Only they can know themselves and make the decision to stay or leave if the temptation is too great.

Going to AH's family functions are too chaotic for me. I rarely go, only to biggies like a wedding or funeral or special event. I don't have a good time being around the excessive drinking and find myself focusing on AH and if he's drinking and how many he's had and his behaviour. I don't enjoy being with him if he gets drunk.

And I don't enjoy being around the rest of his family when they're drinking either. It's fun when you first get there and everyone's sober, but an hour or two later often times it gets crazy. Everyone's babbling at the same time, no one makes any sense. Drunk talk comments get taken the wrong way, tempers flare, sometimes angry arguments, feelings get hurt then they feel guilty and everyone feels rotten later. Insane stuff. No thank you.

wpgwoman

I am truly listening to what everyone is saying. I appreciate all advice given. I am having a really difficult time wrapping my head around this one. The above quote is exactly how I feel about the situation. It's the secrets I'm sick of in general. I'm tired of being the bad guy.
This is also what happens if I go there. Oddly, their drinking doesn't bother me one bit. There was a time I used to enjoy having a few beers with his parents myself. That just got old after years of watching how far it would go with my A and his dad.

This I have no problem with. My A states that this is none of my business and should keep my mouth shut. I have been known to tell it as it is a few times with his family and they didn't take it very well. Long story. I had asked my A to discuss with his family member certain things were inappropriate and he refused. I finally had enough, so I did it. Caused big problems. I think it's his family, his responsibility.

Jhana

But, there are the kids, and the misconceptions (about you and them) that go with not attending family functions.

I have a stepson who believed many things about me (and others) that were very untrue, only because my AH chose to paint his own picture. I let it go since we did not have (our biological) kids, and the stepson, now having become closer to, and taking care of (we divorced) his father found out for himself the extent of his father's lies. Thankfully they have worked things out, but I also got an apology from the stepson for mis-contsrueing many events. So, in this situation, it worked out OK (after a divorce and some 15 years).

But for you, if the mother understands, than I think it might be wise to tell your husband that you three need to talk. Then at least she can run "interference" without having to make the whole thing public to his family until he is ready. That way you, are not cast in a bad light and it is still his responsibility to deal with his condition and the rest of the family.

Jhana

Barbara52

This is where I have a problem with the POV that its up to the alcoholic to tell people (family or not) about their drinking problem.

First off, unless people are truly oblivious, they already know so-and-so has a drinking problem. People generally aren't blind to it even if they choose to remain in denial.

Second, when people are judging my actions based on false information, it certainly is my business to correct their wrong impressions/information and give the truth as I know it. That doesn't mean I have to give the gory details or give more than a basic explanation of I won't do X because I am uncomfortable around my spouse drinking because I believe he is an alcoholic. It doesn't mean I expect the family to change or act differently or accept my position. But at least I will be being honest with myself and them. And maybe I will be opening the door to better future relationships.

justjo

I dont think anyone has the right to tell anyone else what to do. Do you really think in the long run this will make any difference to his drinking and your relationship?
Maybe you need to dig deeper and think about the real relationship you want with a man.
Obviously, his family are drinkers, therefore, ask yourself how is this going to help you if they know, or dont already know. I am not saying they should know or not, but to be honest I dont think it will make much difference to him.

Barbara52

My thinking is more along the lines of how it can make a difference for me (or others in similar situations). I have no expectations of changing my AH or his friends or family. I do have expectations of changing my behavior and acting in a manner that shows internal consistency and integrity as much as possible.

denny57

I think you're right - it is his family, his reponsibility. I just feel I don't tell someone else what their responsibility is - he or she is an adult and needs to make that decision. I then have a choice to maintain the relationship or change myself.

Sometimes it helps me to write down "what is." If someone said to me it's none of my business and I should "keep my mouth shut," today instead of debating whether my mouth should be opened or closed, I would think about the fact that person had told me to keep my mouth shut. It's disrespectful to me.

I still tend to "tell it like it is" today, but I don't have the resentment, anger and/or one-up-manship behind it like I used to. As I have become happier with my own life I just don't feel the need. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean seems to apply here.

My suggestion would be to get to as many Al-Anon meetings as you can. Use the phone list. Ask others how they've handled the same situation.

Pick-a-name

I have found this to be true in our case. It is a genetic predisposition to have alcoholism,so I guess it shouldn't be surprising. Actually, over the years the drinking has greatly increased at functions with my inlaws as there are even more drinkers. It is SOP to them all...........I stand out as a "party-pooper", I guess.

I wouldn't expect them to change because of anything you would say even if you did mention it for your own reason.

Apolla

It's not that we expect anyone else to change. It's not about anyone else. It is that WE refuse to live in the dark. Keeping secrets. Hiding the truth.

I won't do that in my life on any level. It's unhealthy. I won't make excuses for my alcoholic husband. If we turn down an invitation to a party and they ask me why - I tell them. It's not a problem. He has a disease. It's not shameful.

We don't go to parties where there is endless booze and everyone is getting drunk. 1. because it's hard enough to abstain without having it thrown in your face, why on earth would anyone put themselves in that position? and 2. who wants to be around a bunch of drunk people?

Barbara, I'm with you. Be honest for YOURSELF. Once we truly understand the disease of alcoholism we don't need to be embarrassed or ashamed. Hide it under a rock. There is nothing that needs to be hidden. As far as family - IF asked speak the truth. Period.

Lay down YOUR boundaries. If you are uncomfortable in that party gang - do not go and be specific as to why you won't go.

That goes for all of life. Open the doors and windows of the soul. No hiding. We're all on the same boat. My husband might have an addiction but my neighbor's husband is cheats on her. And so on.

I think when we embrace the truth, come out of hiding, make peace with honesty, we begin to heal. And we give others the chance to come out of hiding, too.