happy33

Hi. I'm very new to the whole addict relationship and reading your post about what addicts do crushed me, but explained so many things at the same time. My b/f is an addict and has tried several times in the past few months to get sober including 7 days in rehab (his 5th or 6th rehab in the past 7 years), but just can't quit. I don't think he's really ready either as he won't do any of the work or continue to go to the meetings.
I know it's been building up, but today the needles came back into play and I am just numb. I want to cry and I want to scream but all I can do is just sit here and fend off all the fights he is trying to start with me.
Unfortunately, maybe, I have know this guy to be sober for moments at a time and that is who I fell in love with. He wants to get married and have a baby, but right now that thought scares me to death.
I told him before that I wouldn't live my life with an active addict and if he started using again he was out. From what I have read I should follow through and kick him out (he is living with me and not paying rent!), but how? This time he won't even admit to me that it's going on and starts to get EXTREMELY angry with me any time he gets close to telling me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and yes I have started to go to Al-Anon meetings an think they're wonderful, but right now I feel like I'm getting squashed between that rock and hard place and am scared to death.
Thanks.

happy33

Oh, and he's walking out the door leaving me right now.

dollydo

Hi,

Unfortunately, there is really nothing you can do, it is his problem, his addiction.

All you can do is to make some hard decisions about you, your life, where do you want to be in 5 years? Still chained to him and his addiction, or in a better place, a place of peace and happiness?

Only you know the answer to this question.

In the meantime, check out the meetings in your area, and keep posting, it will help.

hope213

welcome to S.R. i know how hurt you are.my addict is my son.it is your choice to stay or to leave.please stay safe.an addict can be very violent, he is not the man you fell in love with.there is nothing u can do to keep him clean or sober.the 3c's are,
i did not CAUSE it,i can not CONTROL it & i can not CURE IT. i am glad you have found us & have started your recovery.the only thing you can do is take care of you.prayers for you both & keep coming back.hugs,

parentrecovers

keep posting and going to alanon! blessings, k

maddie82

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I was in your same position 2 months ago...my Abf was living rent free with me and I just didn't know what to do. It took the needles showing up and an overdose for me to finally get up the strength to tell him he couldn't live there anymore (and even then, it was a few months before I was able to do it). It was incredibly hard to do, but it just got to the point where I absolutely couldn't live like that anymore. Now he's living in a sober house and doing well and I feel like a huge weight is off of my shoulders. You can only do what you're ready for, but if things continue to worsen you have to remember to take care of yourself.

happy33

Hi. Thank you all so much for the thoughts and advice. I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I had very little sleep last night as I kept dreaming about him - good, sweet dreams - and waking up to give him a kiss and of course he wasn't there. Ouch. Really painful.
On the flip side, I slept more soundly than I have in a while. No pill bottles rattling just before bed or as soon as waking up. No one getting up every hour to go to the bathroom or just sit up in bed and sleep sitting up and no one twitching and/or kicking me.
I do miss him though terribly, already. I know this is for the best, but I love the guy and wonder where this is all going to go. I don't even know where he stayed last night.
I got up this morning, packed the rest of his things for him (which I am wondering if it was a good idea as it may just insult/anger him) then I proceeded to clean the apt and do laundry etc. I even made an afternoon coffee date with a girlfriend who knows what's going on.
Right now though, he is 10 min late to pick up his belongings and all I can do is wait and wonder if he's coming to get them and what will happen when he gets here.

Jwife22

Hon- he may or may not show up...that's what addicts do. You can't depend on him for anything.

Go enjoy your afternoon out, good for you for doing something for YOU. Stop worrying about him constantly (as hard as it is).

((((happy))))

notsleepingwell

You gotta do what you gotta do, and only on your time!! Here is another poem written by one of our members that always helps me

You can't make me clean

I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it - I won't be.

You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be.

I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me *the person* falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down *the person in me .. a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.


The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean.

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF

By allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' you move over and allow me to find the my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself.

I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...

Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.

Passion
Recovering Addict

happy33

No surprise, he hasn't showed up and is 1 1/2 hours late now. Of course he is not answering his phone either so .... I'm going out.

Thanks again to all of you. Your advice and support is amazing. It really does make this all a bit more bearable.

happy33

Well, he just called. He was definitely loaded as I can always hear it in his voice. So sad. Apparently when he left last night and said he was NEVER coming back (and I was quick enough to take my apt keys away from him) that means that I kicked him out. It also seems to be my problem that he didn't get any sleep last night (nothing to do with the drugs) and is again my problem that he now doesn't have anywhere safe to stay. You can imagine how well it went over when I reminded him that he left and said he was never coming back so why should he have keys to my place.

What a mess. It's much easier though when he's loaded and being an a** but, I'm so scared the guy I love is going to show back up and then it's going to get really hard. I keep thinking this might be it though and if I just stay out of things and not help then he will hit bottom and really decide he's done with all this shite. I know he's on the edge of it, I've seen it and I listen to him, really listen to him and I can see the struggle with the addiction. After ten years though with only brief periods of sobriety, his addiction is unbelievably strong and he seems like a little boy trapped inside not strong enough to fight it without help. Of course, the help meant for the scared little boy only helps the addiction get stronger.

Like I said, what a mess.

Wascally Wabbit

Why is he not paying rent?

guineapigjude

Honey, if the guy you love shows up, I'm betting it will be just a brief appearance. It's hard to watch, and we always have hope that "maybe this time...". Unless and until "this time" happens, you need to concentrate on yourself. You are all you can change right now. Keep posting, keep reading the advice you're given and thinking about it. Get to an Al anon meeting if you can. Reading "codependent no more" by melody Beattie was a huge turning point for me.
Good luck and lots of prayers headed up for you.

greeteachday

You're so right...I know it is really hard, but not letting him back in is the best thing you can do for both of you. He may or may not find his way, but he sure won't if you keep giving him a soft landing. There is only one person you can save and that is yourself. if it is meant to be, eventually his actions...sober actions of someone working hard at recovery for a good period of time, will show you. For now, I hope you have the strength to keep saying no. I know it is hard...keep posting and reading and going to those meetings. It only gets better when you keep the focus on you. Hugs

happy33

Why do I feel so scared of losing him and his "insanity" from my life? How did I get here? I spent 6 years traveling all over the world by myself, but somehow I just can't stand being alone.

greeteachday

Sometimes I feared being alone because I thought it meant I was not lovable or because I didn't want to be alone with the thoughts in my head...My self esteem was so low and I was stuck in a negative cycle. Working hard on recovery, taking baby steps and re-learning the things I like to do all helped me to learn to like me. Now I love time alone...I love pursuing my interests. And as I feel better, my outlook is better and I attract positive. I guess in the end, so much is outlook.

The addict in my life wasn't a partner, it was my child, but from what i have read here and heard in meetings, the dance of addiction really can wreck havoc on one's sense of self worth. The games, the manipulation, the lies...they all eat away at you. It is a family disease. As you recover from its affects, little by little you will again find that woman who traveled the world alone and enjoyed it. Hugs

happy33

Thank you so very much for the support, advice and understanding. I met with my (x?)ABF earlier as I can't just blank him and hope this all goes away, but I didn't meet him at my house, he picked me up from the location of a later alanon meeting and we went to Subway. It was horrible. I could see this man in there looking at me with so much concern over the way my ABF was talking to me.

Eventually, the ABF got around to just focusing on the keys to the apartment (which I took away from him last night when he said he was leaving and never coming back - apparently this act means I don't love him etc etc etc) and the manipulation and guilt trips went into overdrive. I didn't give in and give the keys back though even in the face of his threats and anger (he really has no where else "no where safe" to go). I feel horrible for him and feel like I am betraying him as he must be feeling so lost and alone right now, but I am holding strong even though it hurts.

I was 20 min late for alanon and just sat and cried through most of the meeting, but at least i was there and not at home scared and confused. Amazing how scared I am to be in my own sweet little apt now even with him not being here.

Again, thank you all so much. This really is a life line and I hope I can give back to all of you sometime.

dollydo

One thing about addicts, they are street smart, they always find a place to plop. When they are out scoring drugs they are always in an unsafe place,and somehow most manage and don't give it a second thought.

When he is out using, he gives no thought to whether you are safe or not, never enters his mind, he is too busy getting high, it's always the addict first, their needs.
Not my rules, just how it works.

Keep moving forward, one little step at a time, the further you get in your recovery, the clearer things will become.

happy33

Just heard from a friend that my ABF didn't show up for work today and had a pretty lame excuse as to why he was going to be late.

I am so worried. I am just watching him go straight down hill (from a distance) and it's so hard. I feel horrible saying this, but I am just hoping that someone else doesn't step in and help him like I did and prevent him from hitting bottom yet again.

faithhopelovejr

Congrats girl! You are on the road to detatching!