Help! I'm at my wits end!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 5
Help! I'm at my wits end!
Let me preface this by saying my wife is an alcoholic who drinks a liter of whiskey each evening after she arrives home from work. She drinks till she passes out. Usually into bed, sometimes other places in the house. She is high functioning. She goes to work every day. If not for the drinking she would be superwoman. I think she is some how trying to over compensate for the drinking.
Last night she was very drunk again, like she is every night. About 8 PM I heard a strange noise coming from the kitchen. I arose to investigate and went into our kitchen to find my wife of 7 years slumped over and into the sink. I don't know how long she had been like this. Her lips, tongue and around her nose was blue. It was obvious she was not breathing. I slapped her twice sharply between the shoulder blades to no avail. I put my finger in her mouth to try and clear her airway, she bit me. I grabbed her around the middle an heimliched her twice, checked her then did it twice again. A large gob of meat dislodged and fell into the sink. I attempted to see if she was lucid. She would not respond or focus on me. I grabbed the phone to call 911. She held out her right arm to me with her right hand cocked as if to say stop. I approached her again and tried to get her to talk to me. She clearly spoke to me, however I'm unable to remember what she said. I was just relieved that she was alive breathing and appeared relatively OK. This was the most frightened I have ever been in my life. In this moment of extreme emotion I told her she had til Wednesday to check herself into a treatment program or I would get a court order and have her committed for treatment forceably on Thursday. I have enabled this good woman to spiral down to this level. I should have stopped her years ago.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I know I love her desperately and always have. I feel like I have failed her somehow.
She tells me this morning I have over-reacted and I am an *******. She says the drinking had nothing to do with what happened. I know it did and it made it worse because she was unable do anything to call attention to her emergency. If the TV volume had been up louder she'd be dead now.
When she's drunk, she's abusive vicious, mean and hateful. She tries to inflict phycical pain. She'll rake my scalp with her nails from behind by surprise. She'll jam her finger nail into my ear and twist. She'll kick or knee me in the balls after beckoning me closer with a kiss. She can be horrible at times. She wets the bed repeatedly. When she's drunk she'll go in the closet and empty her bladder and bowels. Or go sit on a dining chair or den chair and do it like she's on the toilet. Each morning she awakes like nothing has happened. It's like living with Jekyl and Hyde!
Can you please help me? I don't know what to do anymore!
Bitter
Last night she was very drunk again, like she is every night. About 8 PM I heard a strange noise coming from the kitchen. I arose to investigate and went into our kitchen to find my wife of 7 years slumped over and into the sink. I don't know how long she had been like this. Her lips, tongue and around her nose was blue. It was obvious she was not breathing. I slapped her twice sharply between the shoulder blades to no avail. I put my finger in her mouth to try and clear her airway, she bit me. I grabbed her around the middle an heimliched her twice, checked her then did it twice again. A large gob of meat dislodged and fell into the sink. I attempted to see if she was lucid. She would not respond or focus on me. I grabbed the phone to call 911. She held out her right arm to me with her right hand cocked as if to say stop. I approached her again and tried to get her to talk to me. She clearly spoke to me, however I'm unable to remember what she said. I was just relieved that she was alive breathing and appeared relatively OK. This was the most frightened I have ever been in my life. In this moment of extreme emotion I told her she had til Wednesday to check herself into a treatment program or I would get a court order and have her committed for treatment forceably on Thursday. I have enabled this good woman to spiral down to this level. I should have stopped her years ago.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I know I love her desperately and always have. I feel like I have failed her somehow.
She tells me this morning I have over-reacted and I am an *******. She says the drinking had nothing to do with what happened. I know it did and it made it worse because she was unable do anything to call attention to her emergency. If the TV volume had been up louder she'd be dead now.
When she's drunk, she's abusive vicious, mean and hateful. She tries to inflict phycical pain. She'll rake my scalp with her nails from behind by surprise. She'll jam her finger nail into my ear and twist. She'll kick or knee me in the balls after beckoning me closer with a kiss. She can be horrible at times. She wets the bed repeatedly. When she's drunk she'll go in the closet and empty her bladder and bowels. Or go sit on a dining chair or den chair and do it like she's on the toilet. Each morning she awakes like nothing has happened. It's like living with Jekyl and Hyde!
Can you please help me? I don't know what to do anymore!
Bitter
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Bitter,
Several people here have been there and done that...you are NOT alone. You need to realize that 1. You did NOT cause your wife to sprial downward, 2. You can NOT control her and 3. You can NOT cure her. If she does check into rehab because you gave her an ultimatum, do not be surprised if she relapses....from my experience, someone that doesn't want the help but is forced to get it, will not stick with it.
You have EVERY right to be upset and concerned..but, let her take responsibility and let her deal with her consequences, except of course, when it is a life or death situation. I do not doubt anything that you are saying..my husband, is my best friend, but when he's drunk, I want nothing to do with him..he gets MEAN verbally and he's known to say what he wants to....he's never physical, but his words hurt just as much!
It takes time but you need to put YOU first and do things for you. I suggest you go to an alanon meeting near your house...even if you don't feel like talking, listening to others stories makes you realize you are NOT alone. I also suggest getting some books...Melody Beatty has written some excellent books and the alanon books are also excellent!!
Hang in there! YOU are important too and by reaching out for help, this is an important step. I know for my situation, the less I say, the more I am saying!!! You can pm me anytime or keep venting here....I've gotten some good ideas just from reading the posts here and it does help to realize that I am not alone.
Try to remember Alcoholism is a mean nasty beast that gets a hold of people and will fight them hard..it'll take a lot of work but when SHE is ready for help, SHE can beat this disease and only SHE can do it...that was hard for me to learn....enjoy your time with her when she is sober and stay as far away as you can when she's not...I've changed a lot of the things I do to make life easier on ME!
I hope I don't sound like I am preaching...your post touched me and I could feel your pain...it made me want to slap her..that of course, would do no good!!
Hang in there friend!
Several people here have been there and done that...you are NOT alone. You need to realize that 1. You did NOT cause your wife to sprial downward, 2. You can NOT control her and 3. You can NOT cure her. If she does check into rehab because you gave her an ultimatum, do not be surprised if she relapses....from my experience, someone that doesn't want the help but is forced to get it, will not stick with it.
You have EVERY right to be upset and concerned..but, let her take responsibility and let her deal with her consequences, except of course, when it is a life or death situation. I do not doubt anything that you are saying..my husband, is my best friend, but when he's drunk, I want nothing to do with him..he gets MEAN verbally and he's known to say what he wants to....he's never physical, but his words hurt just as much!
It takes time but you need to put YOU first and do things for you. I suggest you go to an alanon meeting near your house...even if you don't feel like talking, listening to others stories makes you realize you are NOT alone. I also suggest getting some books...Melody Beatty has written some excellent books and the alanon books are also excellent!!
Hang in there! YOU are important too and by reaching out for help, this is an important step. I know for my situation, the less I say, the more I am saying!!! You can pm me anytime or keep venting here....I've gotten some good ideas just from reading the posts here and it does help to realize that I am not alone.
Try to remember Alcoholism is a mean nasty beast that gets a hold of people and will fight them hard..it'll take a lot of work but when SHE is ready for help, SHE can beat this disease and only SHE can do it...that was hard for me to learn....enjoy your time with her when she is sober and stay as far away as you can when she's not...I've changed a lot of the things I do to make life easier on ME!
I hope I don't sound like I am preaching...your post touched me and I could feel your pain...it made me want to slap her..that of course, would do no good!!
Hang in there friend!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Wow Spedteach... what a great post!
Welcome Bitter.
You are not overreacting and you are not a word that has to be replaced with asterisks for decency's sake. In fact, I found it kind of amazing that you could recount all that and still have the generosity of spirit to refer to your wife as "this good woman".
I hope you will look into finding an alanon group in your area. And I will add you and your wife to my prayers.
Hugs!
Smoke
Welcome Bitter.
You are not overreacting and you are not a word that has to be replaced with asterisks for decency's sake. In fact, I found it kind of amazing that you could recount all that and still have the generosity of spirit to refer to your wife as "this good woman".
I hope you will look into finding an alanon group in your area. And I will add you and your wife to my prayers.
Hugs!
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 5
Thank you all...
Thank you all! I was in such a state this morning and needed somebody to care. I'm glad I found this forum.
It seems that mostly wives of alcoholics are here. Are there any other husbands of alcoholics here?
I know it's not up to me to fix her and that is a delusion on my part. I also found out that I had made an empty threat. I talked with a lawyer, a judge and a doctor and described the situation to them.
They all said I had little hope of success considering how highly she can function on a daily basis. They only suggested an umbrella liability insurance policy to cover my behind if she has an accident while driving drunk.
Thanks again everybody. It's time to go home and face the piper!
Bitter
It seems that mostly wives of alcoholics are here. Are there any other husbands of alcoholics here?
I know it's not up to me to fix her and that is a delusion on my part. I also found out that I had made an empty threat. I talked with a lawyer, a judge and a doctor and described the situation to them.
They all said I had little hope of success considering how highly she can function on a daily basis. They only suggested an umbrella liability insurance policy to cover my behind if she has an accident while driving drunk.
Thanks again everybody. It's time to go home and face the piper!
Bitter
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
BITTER
My heart goes out to you as do my prayers for both you and your wife.....
Keep coming back YOUR worth it...
By you getting new tools to live by you'll be helping your wife more than you know... I couldn't live my life with out Al-Anon meetings and the support I get from others who have lived with the disease..
Love and prayers from one who cares...
Keep coming back YOUR worth it...
By you getting new tools to live by you'll be helping your wife more than you know... I couldn't live my life with out Al-Anon meetings and the support I get from others who have lived with the disease..
Love and prayers from one who cares...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: florida
Posts: 2
she quit working 7 years ago, she blames it on depression.
I have told her i will help in anyway, i work 2 jobs, clean my house, do laundry, provide the kids and her with everything.
yet she sleeps all day and drinks all night \
where do i go for help
dont want it to get as bad as your story
I have told her i will help in anyway, i work 2 jobs, clean my house, do laundry, provide the kids and her with everything.
yet she sleeps all day and drinks all night \
where do i go for help
dont want it to get as bad as your story
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Hi Bitter,
Welcome to this forum. You'll find a lot of support here.
First, I completely relate to your situation, although the A in my life is my sister. Years ago, we were roommates, and she was drinking heavily. I, too, woke up to a choking sound in the other room...I got up and found her passed out and choking on her own vomit. I had to force her to throw up so she would not die. Yes, I stuck my fingers down her throat so she would throw up. The next morning, she did not remember anything. When I told her what happened and that she needed help, she got angry, defensive, and told me I was "overreacting". She blew it off. I thought I was to blame, so I let it go.
Fast forward to 12 years later. My sister is still drinking, although it has gotten much, much worse (alcoholism is a progressive disease). She has no job. She lives with my parents who continue to enable her behavior. She blames everyone else for her problems. And she still says we're all overreacting. So nothing has changed there.
What has changed is me...I am no longer willing to allow my sister and her alcoholism to take center stage in my life.
I hope that you will be able to find some advice here to help you put yourself first and to make living your own life more bearable. I understand how difficult this can be--heart-wrenching, depressing, painful--but know that you are not alone and you can find support here in whatever you wish to do.
Sending you good thoughts.
Welcome to this forum. You'll find a lot of support here.
First, I completely relate to your situation, although the A in my life is my sister. Years ago, we were roommates, and she was drinking heavily. I, too, woke up to a choking sound in the other room...I got up and found her passed out and choking on her own vomit. I had to force her to throw up so she would not die. Yes, I stuck my fingers down her throat so she would throw up. The next morning, she did not remember anything. When I told her what happened and that she needed help, she got angry, defensive, and told me I was "overreacting". She blew it off. I thought I was to blame, so I let it go.
Fast forward to 12 years later. My sister is still drinking, although it has gotten much, much worse (alcoholism is a progressive disease). She has no job. She lives with my parents who continue to enable her behavior. She blames everyone else for her problems. And she still says we're all overreacting. So nothing has changed there.
What has changed is me...I am no longer willing to allow my sister and her alcoholism to take center stage in my life.
I hope that you will be able to find some advice here to help you put yourself first and to make living your own life more bearable. I understand how difficult this can be--heart-wrenching, depressing, painful--but know that you are not alone and you can find support here in whatever you wish to do.
Sending you good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: chico, ca
Posts: 321
Dear Michsos, Alanon is a family of Alcoholics based program that offers support and answers for your questions. You can contact them through AA World Service or thru your local AA in the phone book. I hope you find some answers and I'll pray for you and your family in the meantime. God Bless
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Welcome to SR Mischsos. Why don't you start a new thread and introduce yourself, I wouldn't want you to get lost in a post from 2003.
Here you will find a lot of people that are/have been in your shoes. Here's a good sticky from the "best of" section I like to share with newcomers. I followed each suggestion as if my sanity depended on it. I hope it helps you as much as it did me. Keep posting!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2051022
Here you will find a lot of people that are/have been in your shoes. Here's a good sticky from the "best of" section I like to share with newcomers. I followed each suggestion as if my sanity depended on it. I hope it helps you as much as it did me. Keep posting!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2051022
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Atlanta suburbs
Posts: 33
Hi Bitter, my wife is also my A - she's actively drinking, has been to rehab before, relapsed, etc. I also live in Georgia... the Atlanta suburbs.
I can only echo what the others have said. You are not alone.
Have you tried Alanon ? I have been going to Alanon for 3.5 years and it has been of tremendous help to me. I highly recommend that you check it out, give it a try.
Larry
I can only echo what the others have said. You are not alone.
Have you tried Alanon ? I have been going to Alanon for 3.5 years and it has been of tremendous help to me. I highly recommend that you check it out, give it a try.
Larry
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 6
I too am at my wits end. My wife age 70 went over the edge about 4 years ago.
If I stay at home, drinking lessens. The minute I leave, she heads for the liquor store to restock, and does an amazing job of hiding it. she has been to three 1 week local programs and a 4 week out of town rehab program. she has attended many AA meetings but never can seem to participate or find a sponsor. I have attended quite a few al-anon meetings but cannot see the logic of my doing the 12 steps. Step 1...no brainer, it is out my control. Step 2 is hard as I am more Agnostic than religious...ok, I can define god as I see it as nature, but nature doesn't do much to help. From there on...I don't think I wronged anyone, and can't figure who I would need to make amends to. Meanwhile, I have had, for her own safety (and at several doctor's recommendations) remove her access to a car. the car was gone for 8 weeks while she recovered from a cracked neck and the first three occasions after getting wheels again she headed straight for booze. third time, she fell again, we had another ER run,
only to sign out and come home. She has a balance problem stone sober, and it only takes 2 or 3 drinks to make her crash and burn, which she had done many times. I don't think she accepts her problem, still hopes to go back to 5 years ago, and "have a glass of wine with dinner" Problem is, of course, a glass now is 3 or 5 or a bottle.
I hate this!
If I stay at home, drinking lessens. The minute I leave, she heads for the liquor store to restock, and does an amazing job of hiding it. she has been to three 1 week local programs and a 4 week out of town rehab program. she has attended many AA meetings but never can seem to participate or find a sponsor. I have attended quite a few al-anon meetings but cannot see the logic of my doing the 12 steps. Step 1...no brainer, it is out my control. Step 2 is hard as I am more Agnostic than religious...ok, I can define god as I see it as nature, but nature doesn't do much to help. From there on...I don't think I wronged anyone, and can't figure who I would need to make amends to. Meanwhile, I have had, for her own safety (and at several doctor's recommendations) remove her access to a car. the car was gone for 8 weeks while she recovered from a cracked neck and the first three occasions after getting wheels again she headed straight for booze. third time, she fell again, we had another ER run,
only to sign out and come home. She has a balance problem stone sober, and it only takes 2 or 3 drinks to make her crash and burn, which she had done many times. I don't think she accepts her problem, still hopes to go back to 5 years ago, and "have a glass of wine with dinner" Problem is, of course, a glass now is 3 or 5 or a bottle.
I hate this!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 103
I can relate to the jekyl and hyde thing. My exAb was mentally and emotionally abusivie to me. He would call me up in the middle of the night and cuss me out. Alls I would say is hello and how was your day? Next thing I know, I was getting my a** chewed out.
The next day. It was like nothing ever happened. To me it was the most bizarre thing ever!!!!
After I started thinking about it though and it was brought to my attention from a friend, he probabley didnt remember doing it.
You dont deserve that kind of treatment. Maybe you should try putting a video camera somewhere, and then make her watch it when she is sober.
I always wished I would have voice recorded the nasty awful things he had said to me.
The next day. It was like nothing ever happened. To me it was the most bizarre thing ever!!!!
After I started thinking about it though and it was brought to my attention from a friend, he probabley didnt remember doing it.
You dont deserve that kind of treatment. Maybe you should try putting a video camera somewhere, and then make her watch it when she is sober.
I always wished I would have voice recorded the nasty awful things he had said to me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1
This has all been very helpful. Yesterday and today my wife has passed out at least 7 times in different parts of the house and doesn't remember a thing. I find myself getting mad and very angry, but after reading all of these post it's nice to know I'm not the only one being yelled at, blamed, and miss treated daily. I'm afraid she will fall and hurt herself while I'm asleep. For that reason I sleep about 2 hours a night. I'm just plan worn out and depressed over all of this. Her kids keep sending her into this downward spiral. Her son didn't invite her to his wedding and her daughter wants her committed. Now this is a highly successful woman who has put her kids through college (one to Cornell) and now they want to run and stick their heads in a hole. Just venting, but the kids are a big problem!!! Thanks for all your post! I'll keep reading them!
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Wow your story hit me like a hammer on my head.
Ive seen this not just with my ah but with other alcoholics.
Your story though not identical is so close to what weve all experienced.
The alcoholic denying the severity of their drinking...raging ...dont know where the bathroom is...
Hurting themselves.
Ah - playing with a replica sword he had bought fell off the couch cutting hinself then
Denying it had to do with drunkeness.
Falling asleep in his parked car insisting on believing its from being tired alone.
Falling asleep on the back patio once again just being sleepy from being a hard worker.
Showing signs of cirrhosis of the liver saying it was bad food.
It just goes on and on....how on earth can they completely dismiss the huge marker x on their forehead?
And say its just a birthmark....
Its unbelievable!
I am sorry I know what the fear must have been like for you and then
To further the pain in her denial.
Others may not agree but I think you did a bold statement and I xannot disagree with it.
She is sick needs help needs counseling needs rehab and needs to see it if not for herself for others on the road she puts at risk. I hope ot works the way you imahine
Ive seen this not just with my ah but with other alcoholics.
Your story though not identical is so close to what weve all experienced.
The alcoholic denying the severity of their drinking...raging ...dont know where the bathroom is...
Hurting themselves.
Ah - playing with a replica sword he had bought fell off the couch cutting hinself then
Denying it had to do with drunkeness.
Falling asleep in his parked car insisting on believing its from being tired alone.
Falling asleep on the back patio once again just being sleepy from being a hard worker.
Showing signs of cirrhosis of the liver saying it was bad food.
It just goes on and on....how on earth can they completely dismiss the huge marker x on their forehead?
And say its just a birthmark....
Its unbelievable!
I am sorry I know what the fear must have been like for you and then
To further the pain in her denial.
Others may not agree but I think you did a bold statement and I xannot disagree with it.
She is sick needs help needs counseling needs rehab and needs to see it if not for herself for others on the road she puts at risk. I hope ot works the way you imahine
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Lynnrae2 
I can relate to the jekyl and hyde thing. My exAb was mentally and emotionally abusivie to me. He would call me up in the middle of the night and cuss me out. Alls I would say is hello and how was your day? Next thing I know, I was getting my a** chewed out.
The next day. It was like nothing ever happened. To me it was the most bizarre thing ever!!!!
After I started thinking about it though and it was brought to my attention from a friend, he probabley didnt remember doing it.
You dont deserve that kind of treatment. Maybe you should try putting a video camera somewhere, and then make her watch it when she is sober.
I always wished I would have voice recorded the nasty awful things he had said to me.
The next day. It was like nothing ever happened. To me it was the most bizarre thing ever!!!!
After I started thinking about it though and it was brought to my attention from a friend, he probabley didnt remember doing it.
You dont deserve that kind of treatment. Maybe you should try putting a video camera somewhere, and then make her watch it when she is sober.
I always wished I would have voice recorded the nasty awful things he had said to me.
It fits to a t. Sweet when sober nasty when drank
I too would start with a hello miss you and it been replied with no you dont ! You stupid b . Etc and I actually recorded my ah being drunk and acting stupid saying nasty things
And you know what happened?
He refused absolutely refused to watch it and then deleted them off my phone one night.
Its a simple world they live in where they can drink away what theyve done....the recordings
In my opinion only validate that they should...
They cant deny a video but they can drink to forget it
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Hogan, Welcome to SR!
When you are feeling comfortable, please don't hesitate to start your own thread and introduce yourself! (This one was begun in 2003).
Her children have absolutely no control and carry none of the blame for her drinking. I completely understand their actions in distancing themselves from her if she has been drinking like this all throughout their childhood. If they were powerful enough to cause her to drink, they would be powerful enough to get her to stop....and they are not that powerful. No one is. She drinks because she is an alcoholic and it is what she knows.
I'm sorry for all that you have been through, and hope you will make yourself at home here. As you can see, you are not alone. Take some time to read and ask questions. We are open 24/7!
HG
When you are feeling comfortable, please don't hesitate to start your own thread and introduce yourself! (This one was begun in 2003).
Her kids keep sending her into this downward spiral. Her son didn't invite her to his wedding and her daughter wants her committed.
I'm sorry for all that you have been through, and hope you will make yourself at home here. As you can see, you are not alone. Take some time to read and ask questions. We are open 24/7!
HG
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 16
Hi I'm new here and also have a wife who is an alcoholic. I've been blind to this for the last 7 years. I knew she drank but it came to a head when I caught her getting out of a guys truck wasted at 4 in the afternoon. She just started to attend AA meetings today. I don't know what's going to happen to our marriage or family. The drinking and infidelity, I'm shot.
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