Sadconfused

Can he not understand anything I say? I explain something to.him and instead of processing it and trying to relate or understand, he just twists it into whatever negative way he can. I know the answer, he just cant, his brain doesnt work the same anymore as it is never sober. We keep having the same arguement, kinda personal but he wants relations, I dont. I cant get past a lot of stuff, not enough to feel that kind of interest in him. I told him this and I get a variety of responses from the ole "you must be getting elsewhere" to "but I've been doing better". His idea of better is a 6 pack a night instead of a 12. He acts as if just because he is only a little drunk instead of plowed it is "better". Why cant he get that rather its 3 beers or 20 its all the same to me because with him 3 could easily turn to 20 at anytime. He is starting to get annoyed I guess because now when I turn him down, he either gets mad or throws a pity party. I dont know how to respond anymore clearly, im tried of repeating myself.

alchiewifey

There is NO reasoning with an active alcoholic, I know even when I felt like we had a decent conversation the next day it didn't matter. Don't even waste your breathe. *hugs*

AnvilheadII

NO mean NO. period. and it's a complete sentence.

Sadconfused

Yea, I know there isnt. I guess I am just trying to find a way to avoid the arguement other than giving in to what he wants. I do well at avoiding most of the drama he trys to drag out by ignoring him and not taking the bait but I dont think this one will be that easy.

AnvilheadII

it's ONLY an argument if you ENGAGE in arguing. he's only control if you let him be. just walk away when the numbskull starts blathering....and keep walking til ya can't HEAR him anymore!

dandylion

Dear sadconfused, he is never, NEVER, going to see it your way. You are not obligated to explain, defend, justify. You have already told him what the deal is.

The thing is, he is counting on the fact that if he keeps at it, you will eventually cave in.

Use detachment tools rather than entering a dialogue with him about it. Leave the room; go sleep on the couch; leave the house; spend the night in a hotel/elsewhere; move to another bedroom with a lock on the door, etc.

Just don't cave (if you don't want to).

good luck.

dandylion

OhBoy

It was terribly frustrating for me to deal with the alcoholic mind. Things that were simple and plain as day to the rest of the world were somehow this giant issue to her, and if I let it, it could become my fault. For me avoiding these things only delayed them, maybe they might not be the same issue, but it was the same conversation. When I started to detach myself from the insane conversations and leave the expectations, I was able to find a little more peace. My expectation was that we had this same argument 50,000 times more or less and why don't you get it? Expecting her to get it was going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread. Accepting that she wasn't going to get it let go of my expectations and in turn let go a lot of the frustration.

Intimacy became nonexistent in my marriage, it was not a turn on to see her passed out drunk on the couch every night and the smell of alcohol from her body turned me off even more. I can relate to the 3 or 30 drinks. For me it was about the first one. The first one was exactly the same as the last thousand....... My XAW would most often throw a pity party about it, but I came to realize that that's what she really wanted, another reason to drown herself. With time I realized I did NOT have to feel guilty about this. It was not part of our vows that I provide her with all the guilt, shame, pity, anger, or whatever she needs to drink nor did I have to accept the responsibility for it.