venusinlibra

Everything came to head today. The last month my ABF has been very moody, depressed, mean, etc. Our relationship has become a very "non" type relationship except for me basically taking care of him.

I have told him I want more from a relationship. One the that is loving, fun, someone who enjoys my company, or listens if I have a problem.

He says I don't understand what he is going through. Or the moment I want to take care of my needs and I don't have the patience to do this anymore. He says I am non supportive.

He has told me point blank that he can't make me any promises, his focus his not the relationship but his sobriety, and I have to be patient. I told him I could wait a year and nothing would change. I have wasted a year, he said oh well that is the chance you have to take.

I told him I thought our love was changing into more of friendship. I felt like maybe he was falling out of love. I asked him point blank if he was, he said he refused to answer that question because he thought it was ridiculous. I told him if you are not denying it, or won't answer...it must be true. He says no it's I am depressed.

He finds it really easy to be mean to me. But when I need reassurance or love, he can't give it to me.

Okay guys, cold hard truth.

minnie

He's mean? And effectively thinks that it's OK because he's concentrating on his sobriety? And all the while, you are taking care of him? (What does that mean, btw, in practical terms?)

It sounds from what you have written this is not the kind of relationship you want right now. And that is your decision, not his.

You have told what you need. He dismissed what you said. The ball is back in your court.

I tried for a long time to force people to change to fit my idea of a great relationship. I have learnt that it doesn't work that way.

minnie

When I read your post, it reminded me of this thread.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-treat-us.html

venusinlibra

He is financially unstable, sometimes he pays rent, and sometimes he doesn't. When I tell him that our relationship is too unstable for me...he goes into a temper tantrum. He says I don't understand anything about the program, what he going through, etc. I grew up in an Alcoholic home, I know exactly whats going on. He says I shouldn't tell him how I feel, give him space, etc. We live together, it's my home, and I am really bummed out. I want to move on...but it is so hard. You keep thinking what if he gets better and I miss out on a really great relationship.

LovesLife

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas. Wake up and smell the coffee, girl. Send him packing and get on with your life before you waste any more time. (Just my opinion. I know it's easy to say and hard to do, though.)

dollydo

It's your house, if you don't want him there, tell him to leave. If he gets better you can re-explore your relationship at that time. You do not have to live together, it is not a requirement.

Take care of you.

WantsOut

I may very well be projecting here, but it seems to me that we codies put up with a lot of crap because the people we pick tell us it's "this or I'm walking". Up until now getting nothing but grief seemed better than the person walking.

I've learned to let them walk. Eff them. Life is full of people who will give me what I want, and appreciate what I have to give them in return. I cant find those people if I'm busy caretaking some jackass who doesn't even appreciate it.

cagefree

I was in the same situation as you venus - mine was living with me in my house and decided to emotionally retreat. The entire time he lived with me he went to meetings off and on and claimed to be in recovery...as well as drinking here and there and lying about it.

Every time he would claim to commit to something that involved my needs, he would find a way to back out and say it was my fault - it's one of his trademarks.

I kicked him out and he claimed to get serious about his recovery. I think I saw a change in him for about a month or so...then it all came right back. I don't know if he started drinking again...but he was attending meetings and still pulling all of the same crap - except there was one things he didn't count on or factor in to his self admitted "game-plan" = my recovery.

I was recovering and no longer willing to allow his manipulating bull to affect me or force my decisions. So, he tossed me out of his life, then later tried to get me to call him...oops - I quit the game, too late for him.

After giving that man over 3 of my child bearing years and noticing how I'm changing in my recovery I figure I can do a lot better, and I let him go, to be in his chaos. I own a house and he can't pay his rent...I'm looking for an adult who knows what being a REAL man is all about - and striving for that - without me having to nag him to do so.

riverman

It dosen't matter why he isn't meeting your needs, focus on recovery what ever. My experience is to look to myself first. You could add up the pro's and cor ons of this relationship to see how it balances out. what ever, I'd say you need to keep the focus on your self.

riverman

venusinlibra, Thats bull crap, my first sponsor would never condoned that kind of toxic behavior if he new I was pulling that on my wife. Take care of your self. Go to alanon.

denny57

This is what you want and you have the right to go get it. If I keep "telling" someone over and over I don't like something, yet I continue to let them treat me like crap, why on earth would they make an effort. Alcoholics aren't the only ones who quack.

hbb

Hi, i'm going through a similar situation, granted we don't live together but my abf and i have been together 9 months, 3 drinking and 6 sober. He has now after 6 months sober pushed me away saying he needs to find himself. I thought about calling or emailing or showing up at his house to demand answers, but why? i'm not going to get them, let him live in the guilt of treating me badly. If you read my posts you'll see in a couple of weeks time how horrible i've felt and still do but realize that you can hand someone the world and get nothing in return and i even doubt it has to do completely with recovery. Hang in there, i know it's hard especially since you do live together but your doing the right thing in the long run, i was in the mindset that people like that change but it does go right back. They will wake up someday and hopefully it's too late.

venusinlibra

Yes, I can see where he is emotionally retreating and pulling away. I can it's difficult to stay sober. He has used that as an excuse not to be responsible by not paying bills, not helping around the house, etc. He doesn't really have anywhere else to go but a sober house and maybe that is where he needs to be.

I just don't understand why someone can be so mean...to someone who helped him through his darkest hour. At least you can be a friend, even if the relationship is over.

He keeps preaching I don't understand the program but I do. I go to Alanon. You are suppose to be self supporting. Give back to others. Take it to your sponsor and not your significant other.

This really sucks. How long did it take you guys to get past the hard part after the relationship ended.

denny57

(((venus))) I think it's different for everyone - everyone's circumstances are different, though the stories can sound so similar. In my case, after 18 years, I had in some ways already started to emotionally change. The final break was very hard, but since then (18 months) it's become easier. My hardest struggle has been in examining myself and figuring out what I want. My divorce should (god willing) be over next month; that has been a lot of work. I don't know exactly when it happened, but my emotional ties to AH are over - by that I mean I can't even imagine a life that included him. It may sound strange, but he's no longer my "type." LOL

And yes, going through the early days sucked. Big time.

GlassPrisoner

Check your expectations, was he ever like that ? My expectations constantly used to get me in trouble.

Actually, it sounds as if he's working a program, and that's actually a pretty good attitude for him to have.

If it sounds like I'm siding with him ,I'm not. Just pointing a couple of things out that I noticed.

hbb

That's interesting to me Glass, because my Abf is going through the program at 6 months sober and not budging on any concrete answers to questions i've asked just keeps saying he needs a break and that he needs to find himself. No yes or no responses, just vague answers, no promises or resolution. I often wondered if that was part of the sponsor and program......

parentrecovers

you have choices. hugs and support coming your way, k

LaTeeDa

Why is it we always think about this possibility, but never about the other side of the coin? What if he doesn't get better and you miss out on a great relationship because you are too busy caretaking someone who doesn't meet your needs?

L

denny57

Al-Anon is a great program.

GlassPrisoner

HBB, the focus of the program should be on sobriety. Everything else works itself out eventually, and only after a period of recovery.

Your BF really probably doesn't know those answers right now. Alcoholism is debilitating, and concepts such as relationships in early sobriety are as baffling as quantum physics for the alkie.

I'm almost at 9 months, and to be honest, I wouldn't even consider pursuing a relationship yet if the opportunity presented itself.