We Teach People How To Treat Us
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We Teach People How To Treat Us
If you ever wonder why people treat you the way they do, see Life Law #3: People Do What Works. They do what they do because you have taught them, based on results, which behavior gets a payoff and which ones don’t. If they get what they want, they keep that behavior in their repertoire. If they don’t get the desired result, they drop that behavior and acquire a new one. Understand that here, as in all areas of your life, results, not intentions, influence the people with whom you interact. You may complain or cry or threaten to give them negative results, but if the bottom line is that you reward the behavior by providing a response that the other person values, then the person decides, “Hey, this works. I now know how to get what I want.”
If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, you’re going to want to figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit, or allow that treatment. If you’re involved in a relationship in which someone is constantly abusive, exploitative, or insensitive to you, find out what you’re doing to encourage that behavior, so that you can realign the relationship in a more healthy direction…..
……Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.
By requiring more from yourself and from your partner, you are, in essence, “changing the deal”. And make no mistake: Those with whom you are currently in relationships won’t like it. They will resist your changing the status quo. You taught them the rules, you’ve been rewarding their conduct, and they, like you, have gotten comfortable with the deal. If the price of poker is about to go up, it’s only fair that you warn them about the changes before you begin to respond to their behavior in a different way. If you have taught someone to go on green and stop on red, but not change the rules, he or she is entitled to know about the change.
When I say your partner will resist change in general, and in particular any change that requires more of him or her, do not underestimate the vigor of that resistance. The resistance may range from allegations that “you just don’t care any more”, all the way to emotional extortion. Emotional extortion may take the form of threats to leave if you don’t cave in on your new position, or may even involve agitated threats of suicide. You may well hear a speech similar to this one:
“I can’t believe you are doing this to me!....How long have you hated me?....I’ve tried to make you happy; I’ve given and given….You know how to hurt me and you are doing it…There’s someone else, isn’t there?...Those so-called friends of yours are jealous and filling your head with all this crap, can’t you see that?....What makes you so perfect?....You don’t have any room to talk; do you remember what you did last year?...I’d rather die than lose you.”
Let’s take a closer look at this speech. First of all, it is totally manipulative and self-serving: “I can’t believe you are doing this to me” is victim talk. It is full of attempts to put words in your mouth, in order to create guilt and put you on the defensive. It implies that you are being hurtful; that there is someone else; or that it’s your friends. It is also full of attacks: “You’re doing this”; “I’ve tried, but no….”; “You aren’t perfect”; “You just don’t care”. Finally, it contains the ultimate threat: “I’ll just kill myself”.
This speech may be followed by your partner’s pretending that nothing ever happened, and attempting just to resume “business as usual”; or by a flurry of short term “sweetness and light”. Your partner may also contact your friends and family members, to recruit them to dissuade you from this “craziness”. In any event, the primary thrust of this and almost any attack within a relationship will be based in guilt.
Guilt is a powerful and destructive weapon in relationships, and you must steel yourself against being manipulated by it. Guilt paralyses you and shuts you down. No progress sis made if you are whipping yourself with shame. The healthy alternative is to acknowledge problem behavior; figure out why the problem behavior happens; and make a plan for change. The universe rewards action; guilt is paralysis.
Stay the course. Do not be diverted from your resolve. If your partner threatens to leave or commit suicide, that’s a bluff you must call. If you think the threat to harm him or herself is genuine, your relationship and your partner were much more unstable than you thought. In any event, if you believe they are capable of hurting themselves, call the police or the county sheriff and let the professionals deal with it, but do not cave in. If you back off, you are teaching your partner that you can be “handled”
From “Life Strategies” by Dr Phil McGraw.
If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, you’re going to want to figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit, or allow that treatment. If you’re involved in a relationship in which someone is constantly abusive, exploitative, or insensitive to you, find out what you’re doing to encourage that behavior, so that you can realign the relationship in a more healthy direction…..
……Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.
By requiring more from yourself and from your partner, you are, in essence, “changing the deal”. And make no mistake: Those with whom you are currently in relationships won’t like it. They will resist your changing the status quo. You taught them the rules, you’ve been rewarding their conduct, and they, like you, have gotten comfortable with the deal. If the price of poker is about to go up, it’s only fair that you warn them about the changes before you begin to respond to their behavior in a different way. If you have taught someone to go on green and stop on red, but not change the rules, he or she is entitled to know about the change.
When I say your partner will resist change in general, and in particular any change that requires more of him or her, do not underestimate the vigor of that resistance. The resistance may range from allegations that “you just don’t care any more”, all the way to emotional extortion. Emotional extortion may take the form of threats to leave if you don’t cave in on your new position, or may even involve agitated threats of suicide. You may well hear a speech similar to this one:
“I can’t believe you are doing this to me!....How long have you hated me?....I’ve tried to make you happy; I’ve given and given….You know how to hurt me and you are doing it…There’s someone else, isn’t there?...Those so-called friends of yours are jealous and filling your head with all this crap, can’t you see that?....What makes you so perfect?....You don’t have any room to talk; do you remember what you did last year?...I’d rather die than lose you.”
Let’s take a closer look at this speech. First of all, it is totally manipulative and self-serving: “I can’t believe you are doing this to me” is victim talk. It is full of attempts to put words in your mouth, in order to create guilt and put you on the defensive. It implies that you are being hurtful; that there is someone else; or that it’s your friends. It is also full of attacks: “You’re doing this”; “I’ve tried, but no….”; “You aren’t perfect”; “You just don’t care”. Finally, it contains the ultimate threat: “I’ll just kill myself”.
This speech may be followed by your partner’s pretending that nothing ever happened, and attempting just to resume “business as usual”; or by a flurry of short term “sweetness and light”. Your partner may also contact your friends and family members, to recruit them to dissuade you from this “craziness”. In any event, the primary thrust of this and almost any attack within a relationship will be based in guilt.
Guilt is a powerful and destructive weapon in relationships, and you must steel yourself against being manipulated by it. Guilt paralyses you and shuts you down. No progress sis made if you are whipping yourself with shame. The healthy alternative is to acknowledge problem behavior; figure out why the problem behavior happens; and make a plan for change. The universe rewards action; guilt is paralysis.
Stay the course. Do not be diverted from your resolve. If your partner threatens to leave or commit suicide, that’s a bluff you must call. If you think the threat to harm him or herself is genuine, your relationship and your partner were much more unstable than you thought. In any event, if you believe they are capable of hurting themselves, call the police or the county sheriff and let the professionals deal with it, but do not cave in. If you back off, you are teaching your partner that you can be “handled”
From “Life Strategies” by Dr Phil McGraw.
Acting not reacting
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VERY VERY NICE!!!!!!!!!! I Have this book and had moved it to the back of the stack as I was knee deep in others...its moving up!
Last edited by elizabeth1979; 03-23-2005 at 08:55 AM. Reason: mistakes
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We Teach People How To Treat Us
However (Okay I'm being a minx!!) how does this fit with powerlessness over others?
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I agree with this strongly...to a point. and then as Equus brings up, remember the serenity prayer for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change.
I have to say I read that in a relationship book by Dr Phil too and I got a false sense of reality of how much responsibility and power I had in and over the relationship.
I have to say I read that in a relationship book by Dr Phil too and I got a false sense of reality of how much responsibility and power I had in and over the relationship.
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Originally Posted by equus
However (Okay I'm being a minx!!) how does this fit with powerlessness over others?
(blimey, I'm not explaining myself very well. There's me trying to reply quickly again - I have to go home and unpack some boxes)
I do believe that I am powerless other other people, however I can have influence if, and only if, the other person is openminded and has asked me for advice. I cannot force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. If you like, I can lay information on the floor between us, but only the other person can decide whether or not to pick it up.
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In his book about relationships, he does make some exceptions and caveats regarding certain kinds of relationships, including those with addictions and or abuse. Frankly he says these situations are not amenable to becoming healthy through these approachs. But I still believe it is valuable information and can be helpful and constructive.
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remember the serenity prayer for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change.
I guess you can tell your partner what changes you'd like to see, but you cannot ultimately make him/her change or make the change for them.
make sense?
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There is a lot to learn from that article/book regardless if we're dealing with an A or not.
For me, I will tell you that my reaction was not a favorable one to AH's binges. He didn't get rewarded. What he did get was the confirmation that he could continue doing what he was doing and I'd still be there.
He just told me the other day how he always took the kid's and I for granted. He thought we'd always be there. But he's come to realize now that isn't the way it obviously is.
Took 15 1/2 years for me to finally put my foot down and say "ENOUGH!"
I also remember a marriage counseling session we attended about 10 years ago. The counselor asked my AH why he treated me the way that he did. AH's answer, "Because she let's me". I remember being floored and saying "What do you mean, I "let" you?" and he explained that I was still there, didn't leave, etc. Yep, I always got over it. I see NOW what he meant. Too bad I didn't get it then. Back then, I thought, "I can't control him. I don't "let" him do this to me." Well, now, I have to say that yes, I did let him.
Also had an episode with a friend. Same concept applies. After not speaking for 8 months, I told her why I was not talking to her, explained that I wouldn't be treated like that anymore, etc. Interesting enough, we have a better friendship now than we did then. I think she actually respects me more! And I have set personal boundaries.
So I'm in full agreeance with this topic.
For me, I will tell you that my reaction was not a favorable one to AH's binges. He didn't get rewarded. What he did get was the confirmation that he could continue doing what he was doing and I'd still be there.
He just told me the other day how he always took the kid's and I for granted. He thought we'd always be there. But he's come to realize now that isn't the way it obviously is.
Took 15 1/2 years for me to finally put my foot down and say "ENOUGH!"
I also remember a marriage counseling session we attended about 10 years ago. The counselor asked my AH why he treated me the way that he did. AH's answer, "Because she let's me". I remember being floored and saying "What do you mean, I "let" you?" and he explained that I was still there, didn't leave, etc. Yep, I always got over it. I see NOW what he meant. Too bad I didn't get it then. Back then, I thought, "I can't control him. I don't "let" him do this to me." Well, now, I have to say that yes, I did let him.
Also had an episode with a friend. Same concept applies. After not speaking for 8 months, I told her why I was not talking to her, explained that I wouldn't be treated like that anymore, etc. Interesting enough, we have a better friendship now than we did then. I think she actually respects me more! And I have set personal boundaries.
So I'm in full agreeance with this topic.
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My take on this...
I LOVE Dr. Phil. He gets a great deal of money from spouting common sense about not being a victim and taking care of yourself.
I don't see the whole We Teach People How To Treat Us as NOT letting go. It IS letting go of the idea that we change other people. It IS letting of of the idea that we are NOT in control of ourselves.
I see this information from Dr. Phil as being a lesson in NOT banging your head against a wall anymore.
I totally used this approach with my children. I always always look to myself first and change what I am doing, and then I STAY changed for a long period of time. It is up to them to change their behavior. It can take a long time and it always works. I also think Nanny 911 is Dr. Phil for the toddler set. I LOVE her.
With my husband, I am making the choice right now to live in fear of the day he drinks again. I am fully aware that that is the WRONG course of action , yet I am very tired and can not seem to do it any other way...for today. What is GOOD about this, is I know it is a CHOICE, based on my deep seeded exhaustion NOT to do the work to stop. I have a realization and understanding of the action I need to take to make the changes in myself and I did not do it today.
Tomorrow I might.
I think that Dr. Phil tells us to stop whining, stop being a passive victim and to take action to change our OWN behavior. I will do that again when I can actually see past the minute to minute living I am doing right now.
Jenny
I LOVE Dr. Phil. He gets a great deal of money from spouting common sense about not being a victim and taking care of yourself.
I don't see the whole We Teach People How To Treat Us as NOT letting go. It IS letting go of the idea that we change other people. It IS letting of of the idea that we are NOT in control of ourselves.
I see this information from Dr. Phil as being a lesson in NOT banging your head against a wall anymore.
I totally used this approach with my children. I always always look to myself first and change what I am doing, and then I STAY changed for a long period of time. It is up to them to change their behavior. It can take a long time and it always works. I also think Nanny 911 is Dr. Phil for the toddler set. I LOVE her.
With my husband, I am making the choice right now to live in fear of the day he drinks again. I am fully aware that that is the WRONG course of action , yet I am very tired and can not seem to do it any other way...for today. What is GOOD about this, is I know it is a CHOICE, based on my deep seeded exhaustion NOT to do the work to stop. I have a realization and understanding of the action I need to take to make the changes in myself and I did not do it today.
Tomorrow I might.
I think that Dr. Phil tells us to stop whining, stop being a passive victim and to take action to change our OWN behavior. I will do that again when I can actually see past the minute to minute living I am doing right now.
Jenny
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Thank you Minnie. Interesting feelings as I read my previous post (posted 3/23/05 - shortly after ah had moved out). And how I've truly been struggling lately with my boundaries (as well as questioning my possible manipulation) at trying to get what I want and what I feel I need.
We teach people how to treat us. I think that is one of those things that I really needed to be reminded of. Thanks for the bump.
We teach people how to treat us. I think that is one of those things that I really needed to be reminded of. Thanks for the bump.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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This speaks to a lot of the "unspoken contracts" that develop between two people in a relationship. Kind of like I always cut the grass and you always do the laundry. This might not ever have been verbally agreed to but develops over time. In its original context as far as treatment towards each other it speaks volumes. All very true from my experience. This is a great reminder as far as what boundaries can do for us. Don't get it mixed up with letting go or detaching... not really written w/ an alcoholic/addict relationship in mind. More for the folks that frequently find themselves being taken advantage of in relationships.
IMO people are like water and electrons, they follow the path of least resistance. My experience is that folks with a chemical dependency take this to a whole new level! This is presenting resistance where there once was none. Hard to re-negotiate the "unspoken contracts" once they have been ingrained but awareness and communication, followed by a new set of unshakeable boundaries and it can go a long way in restoring harmony in a shaky relationship, or sending a clear message in an alcoholic/addict relationship.
IMO people are like water and electrons, they follow the path of least resistance. My experience is that folks with a chemical dependency take this to a whole new level! This is presenting resistance where there once was none. Hard to re-negotiate the "unspoken contracts" once they have been ingrained but awareness and communication, followed by a new set of unshakeable boundaries and it can go a long way in restoring harmony in a shaky relationship, or sending a clear message in an alcoholic/addict relationship.
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