venusinlibra

I understand what your saying. We were in a relationship (living together) when we went in. I helped him get free treatment, had my sober friend rally around him, etc. What I have noticed is yes he is sober, but the attitude, lack of financial responsibility, meanness, remains. I am beginning to realize this is how he does life. He blames others for his lack of maturity. He expects other people to take care of him, or clean up his mistakes.

I have told him several times, if you are not feeling it you should go. He really is a dry drunk right now. His sponsor has tried to get him to do the 4th step now for over two months. He goes to meetings only once a week and is having a serious problem with the "God" part of the relationship.

I have a great career, a wonderful son, and alot of positive things in my life. He wears me down and is a super bummer to be around. I have taken care of him for almost two years. I want to focus on me now. When I do...he becomes so mean and cruel. I don't want to be an ass and abandon him. At the same time, I don't want to be a fool either and miss out on a great relationship.

I am tired of being with a super selfish person. I grew up around selfish alcoholics...I am over it.

hbb

Thanks Glass for the info., it's just tough because like Venus we were already in one and not starting one after the fact, so to be pushed away is very hard to accept.

denny57

I think this is a time to look at the other person - the ABF who got into a relationship so early in his recovery.

hbb

((((((Venus))))))) i know how you feel, it's hard but i guess you have to look at it as though you did the best for that person that you could, you hope they do get better and maybe one day you will have a healthy relationship but only time will tell. I said the EXACT thing, "what if im missing out on a great person and relationship". I said it yesterday. Stay strong, everyone here has been wonderful for me.

sthrnraizd

It has been 2.5 months since my breakup with the xAbf. I went through hell, felt like I was dying.....I lived, I am moving on, my life is exploding with life!
I would say as much as this process may feel like your heart is breaking, and the emotions running everywhere. It is time to take care of you. He will do what he wil ldo and you must take care of you. We deserve the very best! And that is not caring for an addict. Life is short, we must live it not care for someones mess through it! Find your strength, find your self...you've found us.
(You can do this local girl!)

GlassPrisoner

There's your problem. Uhh, actually his problem. He's just going through the motions.That's not working a program.

I finished my steps within my first 120 days. I go to AA 6 times a week. I give my life and will over to God every morning. Not coincedentally, I'm sober and recovering.

hbb

I hear you Glass, my bf and I are not real religious people to begin with so i think that could be tough for some people that are not that way.

lostnfound1961

Here is it in blunt turms. You want something that he is not willing or can not give. You will never be happy in this relationship and need to cut your losses and move on. There are lots of good men out there and you are missing out by staying in this relationship and trying to make a silk purse out of a sows ear. He wants his life to be all about him and his recovory. OK, then let him go do that and start looking for someone who wants to be in a loving and caring relationship WITH YOU.

When you don't get what you need in a relationship all it leads to is sadness, anger and resentment. Only you can change that by getting out of a bad relationship and getting into a good one.

Make a list of the top ten things that are most important to you in a relationship. Do you get those needs consistanly met? Be honest. Do you?

Sorry if I seem cold about it, I don't mean to.
Take care
D

venusinlibra

We are going through this weird process of probably breaking up. He told me I am to codependent or needy. I asked him for a definition. I am independent, own my own home, work, have a great son, etc.

He says when you are gone for the day, you always let me know what time you are going to be home. If your plans change you always tell me. I told him that's not codependent that's being considerate. He thinks that's needy by "checking in."

His quacking just gets weirder and weirder. I told him he needs to be self supporting and he says "he's trying." He works freelance and does not get a regular gig.

I just don't know how to let go. I am trying so hard and my sponsor is helping me. I just think he is hiding behind his sobriety. He says his mean or sarcastic comments, are him just being "truthful" and having "emotional clarity." I think you can do that in a diplomatic way without putting a person down.

Anyhow, I am rambling. Thanks for the support. Tough day today.

denny57

I can answer that for me - that required change on my part.

venusinlibra

Yes I need to go to some meetings.

AskingWhy

OMG...are you sure you aren't married to my AW?? Sweet Jesus everything you've said Venus sounds IDENTICAL to my marriage/relationship, except AW hasn't ever sought recovery..she's still not hit bottom.

The part about accusing you of checking up on them when you call to let them know what time you'll be home...or if you'll be late...or even asking them what time they might be home so you can get dinner ready...sounds sooooo very familiar.

The part where you get blamed for everything and their twisted rationale for their behavior or actions is supposed to make sense.

And now,I'm getting the lies and deceit which I never had before...or at least to my knowledge.

venusinlibra

He keeps using the excuse that he has only 6 months sobriety. He can't make promises, have responsibilities, etc. I told him I am in recovery as well at Alanon. That I can no longer do life the way we did before. I am changing and the relationship has to change as well to work. If we split up, he will have no one to blame but himself. I am not the punching bag anymore.

I need to continue and grow as well. Not accept ****** treatment, quit obsessing, etc. Change is hard...but at the same time feels good. Hang in there...AskingWhy.

hbb

I know what your saying Venus, i was actually earlier reading about the "pink cloud" and i think my abf is coming down from that "pink cloud" at the moment and that's why he's doing this ... but we do deserve better, as hard and painful as it may be and i'd still like to think he's not a bad person but a sick person in need of help....yet i also feel like i'm making excuses for a 34 year old man hang in there yourself Venus.

sthrnraizd

hbb - ""i'd still like to think he's not a bad person but a sick person in need of help....yet i also feel like i'm making excuses for a 34 year old man""


I feel ya! My mind sometimes just cannot wrap the idea the my xAbf a Boeing engineer! really isnt who portrays to others and is as sick as he realy is...It just doesnt make sense to me...but it is the reality of it...

venusinlibra

Yes, it's strange. Mine is 38 years old. Now that he sees he has completely broken me down, he is trying to make amends and be sweet. Almost like a child. He needs to know I still love him and care. It's a constant merry go around...but of course I am the "codie" the sick one. He has saw the light and sooooooooo sober. blah. blah. Although his sponsor does not know he is not self supporting.

hbb

I guess my question has always been these past 3 weeks is that i've given him his space that's hes asking for and that he wanted but haven't heard much if anything and certainly not missing me from his mouth first. I get the forwarded email on sat. including me, whats that a bone....please!!! I'm wicked sad, don't get me wrong and think things will change but who knows anymore. I'm thinking of you girls

prodigal

JMO, but I wouldn't live with someone who is financially irresponsible. I pretty much supported exAH between his many jobs and it ended up that what was his was his, and what was mine was his. Been there, done that, not going back there.

You don't have much of anything to say that's positive about this guy. Yet you stay because it's hard to leave. It may be hard to leave, but your reasons for staying are really hurting you. I guess living with a known evil is easier than living with an unknown evil.

Yes, he MAY get better, but as so many others have said here, why gamble on the unknown. Deal with WHAT IS not with WHAT IF. You owe it to yourself to get yourself together emotionally, get him out of your life, and then start attracting the type of nice, decent guy you deserve.

cagefree

Venus - you asked how long it took...

I don't know if I was grieving more in the relationship or out of it. The pain was different - more intense when everything was final in my mind...but a slow painful death almost while I was still with him. Rip that band-aid off, discover how much lighter you feel with recovery in Al-anon. When he was out of the picture my recovery from being a codie took off like an f-15 jet. It hurt, but it was like watching the most beautiful fireworks and being stung by a bee at the same time - sorry, but that's the best I can describe it. The sting went away and the wonder of finding my self-worth grew and is still growing.

Glass - thanks for your perspective. Your posts are really helping me to let go of my anger and hatred toward my X.

venusinlibra

It has been a roller coaster ride. Our last argument was that he could only focus on his sobriety and could not focus on the relationship. He wanted to stay in the relationship but wants me to be patient. His words...I can't give you that.

I said no problem. I am working my program and it is no longer acceptable to support you. I can't give you that.

He seemed stunned. He finally realized that everything I am giving him is going away. He needs to be self supporting.

He seems better. He has gone to three meetings in the last week. I have started to focus on myself. I feel better.

As my sponsor says, we get so sucked into the crazy world of an addict, we question ourself on what is normal. Basically we don't know our head from our ass.

My best friend said, What would you say if someone was doing this to me? I said DUMP HIM.

I am working on it.