guyinNC

I have received a couple of collection notices for my X wife. They do not know where she is, so they must be going through a data base and sending them out where ever she use to live.

She is with her parents, slowly getting sober. For how long, who knows.

But she has no money and no job. Her credit is probably already shot. But I hate to have her harrased by creditors. You can't get blood from a turnip! So I am considering paying them off anomonously(sp) and not even mentioning it to her.

Should I do this?? Should I find out first if she has been contacted by them too. Don't want to pay them twice but I do not want to set up a pattern with her or these companies. Maybe I should put it to the kids college fund.

I have no sympathy for the CC companies, but I do for her.

What do you think?

Astro

If she's your ex and it doesn't effect your credit, I'd say no. In my opinion it's enabling, plain and simple. The first thing my ex did when I went into recovery was to seperate our bank accounts and credit cards immediately. In some ways I think it put me in the position to become financially responsible again.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that you're sympathetic. Having a big heart is wonderful, but in this case putting it towards your kids education would be a much wiser choice, something you won't regret in the future.

parentrecovers

agree with astro on this one - don't pay unless it has negative consequences on your credit. if she's not paying her bills, there may be many others? don't sign up. protect yourself. i understand how difficult it is - blessings, k

denny57

If they're not your debts, let it be.

JMHO

Rella927

Yup I agree with the above too! My XAB had bills sent to my home-and then again notices came blah blah he made the bed-with his XWife no less (credit cards) the thought like you have was there but, it left pretty quickly! I look at it as if it was me in his position or the numerous bills he racked up of mine and did not pay them-and say Ummmmm ahhhhh NOPE!

Do not feel badly it will work itself out one way or another-she or a family member will help her clear that mess up-as long as your name is not on it then just chuck them in the garbage!

Good idea put the money towards the college fund!

care4uNJ

Although my situation isn't quite like yours, I do know how you feel. I was like that when I first separated from my ex. I felt sorry for him so I took on some of his debt. In hindsight, I wish I didn't because (A) he didn't appreciate it and (B) he try to screw me financially during divorce negotiations.

Its a nice gesture, but believe you are better off leaving it alone! Jo

Zoey

Sometimes there are scams also. I got a letter from a collection agency, first I called the company and they assured me that nothing was owed.
I called the collection agency and told them I owed nothing, never heard from them again.

Were any of these charges before the divorce was final? If so I would think those would be your resposibility. Otherwise I agree with the others, not your problem.
Hugs guy

Mr. Christian

You're kidding me right? I mean come on now..

elizabeth1979

What would be your motivation to pay it Guy?
When Im faced with a decision, I ask myself my motives.

rabye

I have these letters coming through my letter box everyday, my credit is **** and I am a newly recovering addict.

My dream would be that someone I love would pay them, not tell me and i think that all my problems dissapear.

Drugfs really made debt worse and debt makes you want more drugs to forget about those people who may be knocking on the door .

If you can afford it do it, you are mkaing someone's life that you love a little easier.

elizabeth1979

Give me a freakin break.
This is a very good example of how alcoholics and addicts manipulate others.

There are millions of people with bills that dont do drugs. I have some if you want to help someone out Guy, Ill send it to you..and no, looking at them doesn't make me want to do drugs to forget about them.

ICU

I'm in debt partially due to loans to my ex and partially due to my choices to be with him and repeatedly bail him out of his consequences.

I had thought about suing him for what he blatantly owes me but I don't want to risk contact of any kind.

I also had thought about filing for bankruptcy...but why put this burden on someone else?

I'll take my lumps and honor myself by paying it off completely. It WILL take me YEARS to do so, but, I'll do it.

And there 'ya have it...my consequences for being a 'codie'~

CE Girl

I'm sorry I've had a day, am I reading this right?!?!?!?

Yup, I made someone's life easier. I payed his damn bills. Although, I didn't do it "anonymously". I wanted him to KNOW i was paying his bill cause his sorry ass couldn't do it himself. You know what? the more I paid, the more he asked!! Ya think he loved me for paying them?!?!? I think he was LAUGHING all the way to the liquor store.

Sorry, if I seem a tad tainted

Peace

Mr. Christian

I get bills coming here all the time for my ex.
I just send them back return to sender.

Her dealing with them is part of her taking care of herself.

You dealing with them is you going back to square one.

HolyQow

Motives? Doing something anonymously does not have motives....

People donate to charities all of the time (without motives)....if this would help someone, and you can afford it, then do it. I would contact the companies first, as mentioned, unless you know these are legitimate. If it was old electric bills, or hospital bills, it would be easier for me to make that decision.....not sure if I could pay ex's credit card bill though...tough decision there.

If you decide not to pay them, you can always write her parent's address on the outside of the envelope and send it back....she can decide what to do with it then.

Confusing once the resentment is gone isn't it? You're doing well, no matter which way you decide on this matter.

Rella927

ICU Ditto babe! That is one of the best statements for owning our own responsibility! "And there 'ya have it....my consequences for being a 'codie'"

You are truly one of the inspirations around here!!

I too rather pay off some of the debt that was placed in my lap from the lack of responsibility from the XA but so true I stayed with him and so I will own up to the debt and take care of it if it means not having to deal with him!

rabye

I am not manipulating anyone, during addiction you may manipulate, but please watch what you say most people are recovering addicts trying to make it work, sometimes help from a loved one which they did not ask for but comes from the heart just keeps us going.

Support is not so easy, our fellowship lends an amazing support but sadly its not this way everywhere you go.

He is trying to do something postive so let him.

flwrchld

Speaking as if I had an "X" to worry about. I would put it to the kids college fund. Your kids future depends on your actions now. They deserve that much of a chance, don't you agree. Send the bills back to the C.C. companies and apply the money to the college fund. Your kids depend on you.

elizabeth1979

There were many times I did things anonymously and they had motives.
Such as..am I looking for a emotional codie fix..Im feeling bad today about something so doing something 'nice' for another person will make me feel better.

I also paid restitution anonymously for my ex, thinking that if that was one less thing he had to worry about, he..well, you can imagine where I went with that.

I find that most choices I make have some sort of motive behid them..motives dont have to be negative HQ. I pay my own bills bc Im motivated to not get behind or harm my credit. I go grocery shopping bc Im motivated to not starve.

Enabling and helping are not the same thing. Donating money to a non-profit charity and donating it to my ex is not the same. The alcoholics in recovery I know personally (not from forums) wouldnt want me to do that. Dealing with the wreckage of our past?

Guy, Im just wondering, how do you know she doesnt have a job?

LaTeeDa

I have to respectfully disagree with this. Even when I give to the Red Cross or a local charity, I have motives. They don't have to be negative, but they are there. Whether it's to feel good about myself, set an example for my children, get a tax deduction, those are all motives.

In this case, though, it is not the same as donating to charity. It is intervening in natural consequences of a particular person's actions. As a recovering codependent, I would have to be brutally honest with myself about what my motivation is to do such a thing. (I hate the part where I have to be brutally honest!)

L