confusedgf

I was just reading another post where a member asked if they should be making a big broo ha ha over her A's 10 days of sobriety. I read alot of the responses then clicked to "new thread" because that is almost exactly how I feel. Why the hell should I celebrate? He isn't in AA. He doesn't talk with anyone about his alcohol issues/addiction (except me, but usually only when he's craving alcohol and decides to change his mind "I'm not an alcoholic, if it wasn't for you controlling me, I could drink responsably but if I do you'll boot me out"). *gimme a freaking break*
I love this man. Sober he is the kindest person I know. Drinking he is somebody I wouldn't talk to, let alone live with and share my life with. The only time he's a jerk sober is every few months when he is wanting alcohol and decides, as I said above, that he is in fact NOT an alcoholic, he of course could drink if I wasn't such a "B" about it. Then he's a real jerk.
I have started not reacting. I told him next time he is on about drinking and waiting for me to pull him off the ledge, he may just find me walking to the liquor store and stocking up for a big night for him. Because if he DID just go ahead like he carries on about and drank, I know I WOULD throw him out and be finally once and for all done with him. He hasn't drank in over 8 months. We've had about 5 periods that I just explained. 2 of those times he walked out like he was goign drinking and leaving me. He comes back sober a short time later, of course I'm sobbing and he's all apologetic and expecting a red carpet for him to welcome him home out of my gratitude that he didn't drink and "chose his family over alcohol". God. No he didn't "choose us". He just "chose not to drink to save his own butt from being homeless".
As long as this crops up like this and he is so convinced he is successfully staying sober without outside support, these episodes will continue. I know this. I want it to stop. Either get right about getting sober or go get falling down drunk so I can find a way to continue my life without this B.S. That is how I feel. I've tried not to, but I do. I love him but I'm tired. I am always waiting for the sky to fall, always. Sometimes every day for months and when I convince myself to maybe relax a little, out of nowhere, it gets ugly again. It's exhausting and demorallizing for me.
I am tired of being his cheerleader when he's not drinking but also being the enemy when he wants to drink but also being his saviour pulling him off the ledge when he wants to drink then of course back round circle to when he loses his urge to drink I am supposed to play cheerleader again. Where the heck are MY cheerleaders? Because I am the one riding the roller coaster, he isn't. He is the one controlling the freaking ride!
GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just needed to vent!

Nuudawn

Great rant! Yep, sounds like the typical self centred, control freak dry drunk to me...all full of resentment and blame/responsibility all outside of himself. I feel for you...I truly do. You may get your wish...my humble prognosis for this fellow is not good. His sobriety is hanging by a thread...now wonder you're exhausted. He IS controlling the freaking ride.

MsPINKAcres

The A's may be the ones controlling the roller coaster, but my recovery gave me the strength to get off the ride - Shoot - some of us even get to leave the amusement park !!

Vent away, Confused - that's what this site is for - also to help us find a better way.

Hope that you will be able to find what helps you find that inner peace that you deserve,

Rita

chero

Hey Confused, I'm the wife of the A celebrating his 10 days of sobriety. WHATEVER!
It is like a vicious cycle. They drink, we cry, they apologize and wait for us to sing their praises for deciding to quit, they sober for a few days, we hold our breath, they drink....

GIVE ME A FREAKIN' BREAK!

The crazy part is I know that it is me that chooses to stay just like it is him that makes him drink. So, I guess me being here is my fault??????

Golfman

Way to go chero,

For those who don't know me I'm ed, and alcoholic. gotta be here every now and then to see what those idiots, drunks like i used to be, are conjuring up now. doesn't look like anything has changed. still the same sick bastards with no new thoughts, only tired old excuses and broken promises. Oh, evfery now and then they THINK they've come up with an original thought. "honey, i finally found a way that i can stay sober and still be an a55hole."

Confused, here's the deal. No celebration for 10 days...normal people do it all the time. what makes him so special. Oh, he's doing it for you? BS, he's doing it to prove he can do it. Well, doesn't matter whether he as 8 months or 8 years. Without dealing with the causes and conditions he just a dry drunk. I always say you take the drink away from the alcoholic and you're left with someone who's really pi55ed off. It's not about the drinking, it''s about the thinking!!!!! hell, it water could have done for me what alcohol did, I'd be a "waterholic". I like the effect produced by alcohol. I will go the ends of the earth to find it. It helps me forget my resonsibilities, my debts, my fears, my family obligations, virtually everything that a responsible person should be taking care of.

The alcoholic has no mental defense against the first drink. Sooner or later he/she will drink again if all is not right on the inside. it's as sure as the wrinkles on my butt.

would I leave? knowing what I know now about what I did to my family, damn right i'd leave. I would not torture myself with the games, the impassioned pleas, the heartache, the frustration. I would have left my butt long before I got sober. I'm just one of the very lucky ones whose wife didn't have the degree she needed to get a good job. But, she was going to school and she would have been gone in about six months. fortunately, God decided to take mercy on me and my family. He intervened in our lives and brought us out of the fire. He rose me up from the muck and placed my feet on solid ground.

I love you friends and families. you are stronger and braver than any of my alcoholic compatriates, including me. Your patience is is miracle, your love is unconditional, and your faith is God-like. But that is your downfall as well. Even in the face of complete disaster you will turn cheek after cheek, time after time, and be beaten to a pulp by this deadly disease who's desire it is to maim, kill, and destroy.

There is one who has all power...that one is God. I know for a fact that He does not want His children tortured. But He gave them a brain to think on their own. He intends you to use it. Separate it from the heart. Ask yourselves what advice you would give a dear friend after being emotionally raped. I know what the advice would be...so do you. All you have to do is take your own advice and give yourselves a chance. If you do that, God will do the rest.

Loving you with sobriety,
steady eddie

chero

Eddie, you hit the nail on the head with this one! That is what we do. Why I don't know. We are so strong and so resilient and yet the one thing that should be the easiest for us to do...leave...is the hardest.

I've sat here for some time trying to think of why we stay? I'll have to keep thinking!

But, thanks Eddie, I love hearing your point of view!
~Cheryl

Tally

If you're tired of being his cheerleader...stop doing it. It seems from reading your post that you've made your boundries quite clear to him..If he drinks again then he's gone from your life.
Stop being his saviour and cheerleader...and start concentrating on you..If he has a bad day, let him have a bad day, do something for you, don't get embroiled in his stuff. It's really hard to take a step back and not let their moods effect yours, but at the end of the day you really can't control him or it.
If he wants to drink he will...you playing cheerleader and saviour is just exhausting you and because you get involved in his stuff he has someone to project his bitterness and anger on to....It's not your job to be his saviour, he has to want it for himself.

SaTiT

mmm...do you all ever notice as chaotic as i gets , you might like it ?
okay, even if you didn't like it, these feelings during all of the chaos
are familar, almost deja vu, like you've been there before.
Maybe from a past life or maybe from earliy childhood.
That's why it's so confusing sometime cuz you get kind of like
double sets of emotions runing through you at the same time.
Sometimes you been so numb you don't even know what is it
There's just a big arss migrain or a throbbing in you're head.
A part of you wanna control it and I part of you is a scared little kid.
Its kind of hard to deal with so it's easier to just shift focus to
the other person.
Do you feel all of this madness, but you feel like your heart would
explode if the Alki would to just leave or god forbid get well.
It's not on your first thought but in the back of your mind somewhere.

I'm just asking.....

okay....you're at least took notice to other gay/gals ?

harleygirl92156

BRAVO.....People only treat us the way we teach them to treat us.

socalgal

I don't count the days I've been sober and I don't expect anybody else to. I chose sobriety a long time ago and am happier for it. I certainly didn't do it to get any applause or congratulations from anybody. I did it because I wanted to stay alive, because I wanted to have a life. At that point it really didn't matter whether anyone else noticed or not. I did it for me. No cheerleading required.

-K

laurie6781

Early in my sobriety the only ones who gave me "kudos" for my sober days were my new friends in AA. The world "out there" didn't give a rat's azz then nor does it now, roflmao.

I don't say that every alkie getting sober needs AA but I do believe that they need outside help of some kind, be it a therapist, or Smart Recovery, or something. There is no way, all those years ago I could have done it without HELP.

On this issue my AA side and my Alanon side are in total agreement, nope no recognition at this point.

Now, how are YOU doing Confused and Chero? You at this time are more important than them. How are you taking care of you?

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Sunflower

laurie I think the original posts you are talking about was from chero saying she was happy her AH had been sober for 10 days---I will celebrate anything that makes cheros life easier--lol....
Yes this is all a huge rollercoster ride isn't it??? You sound angry and you have every right to be.....sounds like its almost that you are about to completely let go--then he will do what he wants and you can take the controls from him...

chero

Hey guys! Yes, I'm happy he's sober but I'm not so happy I can celebrate for him. I'm so angry at him and I think, "Does he really deserve a celebration?"

Laurie asked a great question..."How are we taking care of us?"

Right now the only thing I can say I'm doing for myself is coming here. This place is my get-away...my retreat from it all. I really cannot imagine how I've been doing it all these years without you guys!!

, Much Love! Cheryl

Sunflower

chero I dont know what I would do without you as well--you are a good soul...