Four months in...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Four months in...
Four months ago today I sobered up after a second neurotic, insane and fear driven breakup with my ex alcoholic/addict boyfriend. I started going to AA and knew instantly, that I belonged there. Although I was there to work on my sobriety, I was consumed and obsessed by still drinking/using ex. In AA I could really only tell half of my story. Rather than focusing on my own wreckage, I was consumed by the ever increasing wreckage of my ex. A friend told me about this site..and I am forever thankful.
One of the many but most compelling reason I sobered up was because I felt like a fraud. My relationship had been fake and surreal. We were just drunk all the time amidst his three children and buying/renovating a house. We were "playing house" ..not real or present whatsoever. I sobered up in hopes that my ex would too. Back then his sobering up would mean that he truly loved me..that I mattered. (Heck, his own children didn't matter...who did I think I was?)
He didn't sober up. I went back at one month sober and asked if he wanted to be with me...sober. Hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life. I stood before him vulnerable (an absolute first!)...my heart pounding, knees shaking and hands trembling. He did not choose to be with me.
My point is...I was rejected. I was rejected for an inauthentic life of drugs and alcohol. Rejection hurts. Most of my life I have avoided its possibility at all costs...hence my drinking. I know now that it has been my fear of rejection that has dictated the course of my life.
Today I realize how magically rejection has served me. I could scream from the rooftops "Hey World...I was REJECTED!!!!!"...and do a little happy dance. I learned more from soberly working through my worst fear than I've learned in 20 years of drinking. I am free. I am sober. I am real.
I could not have come this far without the wisdom and support I have so generously found here. Here I have found the answers through my darkest of emotions. Even with all my insight into my own alcoholism, another's rejection because of it, still hit me to my very core. I have so many answers into the why's of it all ...yet it still hurt like hell.
For those of you without the first hand knowledge of alcoholism and addiction, this must be incredibly hard and painful and confusing. I sooo admire your strength and courage.
Today I want to tell you...that my ex's rejection was the best thing that ever happened to me. It truly was. I have learned soooooooo much. And I'm all the stronger and wiser for it.
My ex's choice to remain whirling and spinning in drugs and alcohol does not mean I don't matter. It has nothing to do with my value...none whatsoever. It has to do with his fear...his paralyzing fear of rejection, abandonment and low self worth. He chose another path..and that is his right actually. I know today that this man is no more capable of love and maturity than I was when I was still drinking. Booze, fear and ferocious need dictated my life when drinking. Love had absolutely nothing to do with it. I had no idea what love was...for myself or anyone else. I learned what love was that day I showed vulnerablity and extended my hand to my ex. I did the hardest thing I have ever done...for both myself and another human being. Love takes courage. Alcoholics don't have any. Love takes respect. Alcoholics don't have any. I knew that I had to respect my ex's choice. I had never done that before either...respected the choice of another when it didn't serve me.
The memory of my ex is fading to dust...I am grateful for it but it no longer causes me pain. I don't use it to beat myself with any longer. My life is completely different now. I am free in every way. I think about him ..of course...and from time to time I do remember to pray for his recovery..but my life has now become very much about my life and my journey. One day I truly hope to be able to share my life and love with another. At 40 years old, I think I might actually be able to truly fall in love next time. I no longer fear rejection..therefore my fears won't manifest like they always do. I finally know that love is about extending myself; the real me...even and especially through fear.
I'm rambling. My impetus here was to thank you all and maybe shed some sort of insight. Not sure I have done that. I'm just glad I'm here..and that you are all here. I could not have come this far..this peacefully..without you all.
One of the many but most compelling reason I sobered up was because I felt like a fraud. My relationship had been fake and surreal. We were just drunk all the time amidst his three children and buying/renovating a house. We were "playing house" ..not real or present whatsoever. I sobered up in hopes that my ex would too. Back then his sobering up would mean that he truly loved me..that I mattered. (Heck, his own children didn't matter...who did I think I was?)
He didn't sober up. I went back at one month sober and asked if he wanted to be with me...sober. Hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life. I stood before him vulnerable (an absolute first!)...my heart pounding, knees shaking and hands trembling. He did not choose to be with me.
My point is...I was rejected. I was rejected for an inauthentic life of drugs and alcohol. Rejection hurts. Most of my life I have avoided its possibility at all costs...hence my drinking. I know now that it has been my fear of rejection that has dictated the course of my life.
Today I realize how magically rejection has served me. I could scream from the rooftops "Hey World...I was REJECTED!!!!!"...and do a little happy dance. I learned more from soberly working through my worst fear than I've learned in 20 years of drinking. I am free. I am sober. I am real.
I could not have come this far without the wisdom and support I have so generously found here. Here I have found the answers through my darkest of emotions. Even with all my insight into my own alcoholism, another's rejection because of it, still hit me to my very core. I have so many answers into the why's of it all ...yet it still hurt like hell.
For those of you without the first hand knowledge of alcoholism and addiction, this must be incredibly hard and painful and confusing. I sooo admire your strength and courage.
Today I want to tell you...that my ex's rejection was the best thing that ever happened to me. It truly was. I have learned soooooooo much. And I'm all the stronger and wiser for it.
My ex's choice to remain whirling and spinning in drugs and alcohol does not mean I don't matter. It has nothing to do with my value...none whatsoever. It has to do with his fear...his paralyzing fear of rejection, abandonment and low self worth. He chose another path..and that is his right actually. I know today that this man is no more capable of love and maturity than I was when I was still drinking. Booze, fear and ferocious need dictated my life when drinking. Love had absolutely nothing to do with it. I had no idea what love was...for myself or anyone else. I learned what love was that day I showed vulnerablity and extended my hand to my ex. I did the hardest thing I have ever done...for both myself and another human being. Love takes courage. Alcoholics don't have any. Love takes respect. Alcoholics don't have any. I knew that I had to respect my ex's choice. I had never done that before either...respected the choice of another when it didn't serve me.
The memory of my ex is fading to dust...I am grateful for it but it no longer causes me pain. I don't use it to beat myself with any longer. My life is completely different now. I am free in every way. I think about him ..of course...and from time to time I do remember to pray for his recovery..but my life has now become very much about my life and my journey. One day I truly hope to be able to share my life and love with another. At 40 years old, I think I might actually be able to truly fall in love next time. I no longer fear rejection..therefore my fears won't manifest like they always do. I finally know that love is about extending myself; the real me...even and especially through fear.
I'm rambling. My impetus here was to thank you all and maybe shed some sort of insight. Not sure I have done that. I'm just glad I'm here..and that you are all here. I could not have come this far..this peacefully..without you all.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,061
You are so awesome, Nuudawn! I loved reading this post. It's been my pleasure to see someone like you in recovery who "gets it", and I hope we "trudge the road to happy destiny" for many years to come.
Many prayers and hugs to you, thanks for being an inspiration!
Many prayers and hugs to you, thanks for being an inspiration!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Your post is beautifully written and your life is beautifully lived.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and insights with us here.
I'm so happy for the life you have found. You have earned every bit of your serenity and I wish you all the goodness that life has to offer!
hugs,
cmc
Thank you so much for sharing your story and insights with us here.
I'm so happy for the life you have found. You have earned every bit of your serenity and I wish you all the goodness that life has to offer!
hugs,
cmc
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
well it is a 'nuu' dawn for you isnt is ? good for you ! its great to see how you have turned yourself around . w/ my ah and my kids and every day hectic running around life i live, i have always said that i would still rather be me then him, for i cannot imagine how it must be to live with demons everyday that hold you down and make you feel unworthy of life itself. its great to know that you have risen above ! May your HP Bless you and keep you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
(((((((((((((nudawn))))))))))))))))))
This was so very needed for those of us that want inside the heads of our loved ones who have left us.....and your post was very successful....good job...and thank you.
Janit
This was so very needed for those of us that want inside the heads of our loved ones who have left us.....and your post was very successful....good job...and thank you.
Janit
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing - for being here and allowing me to follow your journey!
You're well on your way! I believe that you have come so far already! And you're only going to keep on getting better!
Thank you for sharing - for being here and allowing me to follow your journey!
You're well on your way! I believe that you have come so far already! And you're only going to keep on getting better!
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