I'm starting to slip
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
I'm starting to slip
Hey guys, I feel like I'm starting to slip. I was doing pretty good for a while. Trying to detach and not enable. I was doing my best to not question him to death, etc...I even took some time for myself and went away for the weekend.
But when I got home he, of course, had himself a wild weekend and was a mess. And even though I knew he would it's like it totally undid everything I had gained.
Does that make sense? It's like I'm back at square one. I bet I've asked him a 100 times today if he's drinking?
What happened?? Why can't I get a grip??? What do I do now??
But when I got home he, of course, had himself a wild weekend and was a mess. And even though I knew he would it's like it totally undid everything I had gained.
Does that make sense? It's like I'm back at square one. I bet I've asked him a 100 times today if he's drinking?
What happened?? Why can't I get a grip??? What do I do now??
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
it takes time and practice, chero. we didn't get this way overnight, and it will just take time.
you know in AA and Al-ANON they say....one day at a time.
well, for several years, it was five minutes at a time for me trying to deal with it all. sometimes even less.
it took al-anon, reading the al-anon literature, calling my fellow al-anonians, going to meetings, and this forum to learn how to put the focus on myself instead of my xh.
it's very difficult. at least it was for me. i had a very hard time accepting that my husband was not going to follow my plan for sobriety and recovery....and i tell ya, i had one helluva good plan for him, too!
the jackass just wouldn't do what i wanted though.
so, i had to stop my own insanity, and work on myself.
you know in AA and Al-ANON they say....one day at a time.
well, for several years, it was five minutes at a time for me trying to deal with it all. sometimes even less.
it took al-anon, reading the al-anon literature, calling my fellow al-anonians, going to meetings, and this forum to learn how to put the focus on myself instead of my xh.
it's very difficult. at least it was for me. i had a very hard time accepting that my husband was not going to follow my plan for sobriety and recovery....and i tell ya, i had one helluva good plan for him, too!
the jackass just wouldn't do what i wanted though.
so, i had to stop my own insanity, and work on myself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hey Chero - What you're dealing with is really, really tough. It's no easy thing to do! But it sounds like you are making steps towards getting yourself in healthier place. Good for you for going away for the weekend! Were you able to relax and have some fun?
There is nothing you can do to control his drinking. If you choose to stay with him, you will have to learn to detach (completely) if you wish to keep your sanity. Is there any other choice?
Also - I think the whole notion of detachment is hard for a lot of people to really understand (like me!)...if it's bad enough to have to detach from it, then why stick around?
I know that everyone's situation is totally different. And, for some women, there may be abuse issues or other reasons that come into play.
I'm just wondering what is making you stay with a person whose behavior offends you so much.
There is nothing you can do to control his drinking. If you choose to stay with him, you will have to learn to detach (completely) if you wish to keep your sanity. Is there any other choice?
Also - I think the whole notion of detachment is hard for a lot of people to really understand (like me!)...if it's bad enough to have to detach from it, then why stick around?
I know that everyone's situation is totally different. And, for some women, there may be abuse issues or other reasons that come into play.
I'm just wondering what is making you stay with a person whose behavior offends you so much.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
I wish I knew why I stay.
I've asked myself that question a million times, lately. Sometimes I wish he'd just leave me so it would be done. I'm obviously not strong enough to go and barely strong enough to stay.
I wish he'd quit giving me moments of hope.
But do you know, for the first time in forever I did have some fun. I mean, genuine fun. I knew he'd do it but I had a good time anyway.
I can see little changes in me...like wanting to be away from home. That is so unlike me. But, it gives me peace and clarity and just a glimmer of who I'm supposed to be...or once was...?!?
I've asked myself that question a million times, lately. Sometimes I wish he'd just leave me so it would be done. I'm obviously not strong enough to go and barely strong enough to stay.
I wish he'd quit giving me moments of hope.
But do you know, for the first time in forever I did have some fun. I mean, genuine fun. I knew he'd do it but I had a good time anyway.
I can see little changes in me...like wanting to be away from home. That is so unlike me. But, it gives me peace and clarity and just a glimmer of who I'm supposed to be...or once was...?!?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
So good that you had some fun!
I'm so glad you're seeing changes in you...that's no small thing!
Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I know I'm always recommending it here, but it just helped me so much. I don't know if I would have ever found the clarity and strength to leave him if it weren't for the guidence of my therapist. Also, of course, coming to SR and reading and posting.
It didn't happen overnight for me either. It was slow and very painful. But I just couldn't live with the alternative. I knew that I didn't want my life to about being married to an alcoholic and all that comes with that.
I'm so glad you're seeing changes in you...that's no small thing!
Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I know I'm always recommending it here, but it just helped me so much. I don't know if I would have ever found the clarity and strength to leave him if it weren't for the guidence of my therapist. Also, of course, coming to SR and reading and posting.
It didn't happen overnight for me either. It was slow and very painful. But I just couldn't live with the alternative. I knew that I didn't want my life to about being married to an alcoholic and all that comes with that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
chero that used to happen to me--I thought if I got away I would feel better and think clearer--than you come home and its such a let down the same ole crap!!!! I am glad you took time for you for a change--do it more often...you are in a bad place and it all takes time...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
chero, i think you've been doing great! reread all of your old posts and you'll see how far you've come. we all make some progress and then go backwards, but really, any time you move forward really has helped you become that much farther along.
like you said, it's those moments of hope they give us. but the next time you have that moment of hope with him, i'd think, is this really going to last, or is it going to disappear like it always does? i think you know your answer.
like you said, it's those moments of hope they give us. but the next time you have that moment of hope with him, i'd think, is this really going to last, or is it going to disappear like it always does? i think you know your answer.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by chero 
Sometimes I wish he'd just leave me so it would be done. I'm obviously not strong enough to go and barely strong enough to stay.
I wish he'd quit giving me moments of hope.
I wish he'd quit giving me moments of hope.
As far as him leaving, I don't think I'd bet the farm on that happening. A's usually stick around, and around, and around .... until we throw them out or leave them. They don't seem to have much initiative unless it comes to figuring out how to get their next bottle.
I think you're stronger than you know. If you can put up with all this garbage, you DO have strength. However, you could put your strength to far better use by investing it in yourself. Honey, he'll wear you out long before he wears out. Unless he drinks himself to death, he'll outlast you in this battle, if he sets his mind to continuing to drink.
He'll be zoned out beyond Pluto and you will be in a shrink's office being treated for depression, anxiety, some sort of physical disorder(s) .... Yep, been there done that. I was ripping my hair out - literally, at times! - and AH was blissfully out in the Twilight Zone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 77
Counseling and read, read, read. Even if you slip, do something good that will help restore your health. The healthier you are, the healthier your responses will be.
No sense making yourself nuts and/or miserable, right? It's nothing personal against you - he's sick and he's going to behave in a sick way.
My dad used to say that when you try to mix sanity with insanity, all you get is insanity.
No sense making yourself nuts and/or miserable, right? It's nothing personal against you - he's sick and he's going to behave in a sick way.
My dad used to say that when you try to mix sanity with insanity, all you get is insanity.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Chero,
Detachment is hard to understand, and harder to put into practice IMO.
I initally though that I detached myself right out of a relationship. I too found that I had been happier when I was away from him so much so that towards the end, I thought I had been detaching wrong. See, my 'goal' was to detach from his behavior, but still have a loving relationship with him (I soooo have to laugh at that). But my HP had a different plan of detachment for me.....and that was to get out of the relationship. THAT was what 'I' needed to do. I bow to my HP's wisdom!!! Not everyone has to leave the relationship they are in, that was just my particular case.
I love, love, love this!!!!!!
Chero, I think you are just beginning to do this for yourself and that's great. But remember what they say about progress....sometimes it's 1 step forward, 2 steps back. And if we keep at it, eventually it will be 2 steps forward, 1 step back. It sometimes feels like we aren't making any progress when we slip back a little bit, but don't get down on yourself when (notice I said 'when' and not 'if') that happens!
You are learning....just like when you first learned to walk....you didn't go from a crawl to a run, right? First you had to learn to stand, then walk and sometimes you fell as you discovered what your legs could or could not do. Same thing here!
"What do you do now"? Exactly as you are doing....asking, learning, reaching out, trying new things, and most of all, not giving up....on yourself!!
Detachment is hard to understand, and harder to put into practice IMO.
I initally though that I detached myself right out of a relationship. I too found that I had been happier when I was away from him so much so that towards the end, I thought I had been detaching wrong. See, my 'goal' was to detach from his behavior, but still have a loving relationship with him (I soooo have to laugh at that). But my HP had a different plan of detachment for me.....and that was to get out of the relationship. THAT was what 'I' needed to do. I bow to my HP's wisdom!!! Not everyone has to leave the relationship they are in, that was just my particular case.
Originally Posted by prodigal
I think you're stronger than you know. If you can put up with all this garbage, you DO have strength.
However, you could put your strength to far better use by investing it in yourself.
However, you could put your strength to far better use by investing it in yourself.
Chero, I think you are just beginning to do this for yourself and that's great. But remember what they say about progress....sometimes it's 1 step forward, 2 steps back. And if we keep at it, eventually it will be 2 steps forward, 1 step back. It sometimes feels like we aren't making any progress when we slip back a little bit, but don't get down on yourself when (notice I said 'when' and not 'if') that happens!
You are learning....just like when you first learned to walk....you didn't go from a crawl to a run, right? First you had to learn to stand, then walk and sometimes you fell as you discovered what your legs could or could not do. Same thing here!
"What do you do now"? Exactly as you are doing....asking, learning, reaching out, trying new things, and most of all, not giving up....on yourself!!
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by ICU
I initally though that I detached myself right out of a relationship. I too found that I had been happier when I was away from him so much so that towards the end, I thought I had been detaching wrong. See, my 'goal' was to detach from his behavior, but still have a loving relationship with him (I soooo have to laugh at that).
I'm shocked! Shocked! Shocked! Shocked!
Unconditional love
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Mi
Posts: 84
Sounds like the beginning stages of detachment. It will get easier for you to detach as you learn to care for you.
You may then loose respect for him eventually, then he may basically just start to disgust you. Then you may slowly loose that loving relationship and everything that goes along with it. Its sad but detachment after a long period seems to have that effect on people.
You may then loose respect for him eventually, then he may basically just start to disgust you. Then you may slowly loose that loving relationship and everything that goes along with it. Its sad but detachment after a long period seems to have that effect on people.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by chero
OMG! ICU, This IS what I'm thinking. I can't believe it....I'm thinking wrong??
I hope I'm understanding what you are asking...
I can't say whether or not how you are thinking, or viewing your situation is right or wrong for you. But I do know that your situation doesn't necessarily have to turn out like mine! There were other issues in my relationship that made it necessary for me to leave in addition to his drinking (my ex was verbally and physically abusive).
Like I said before, some can detach and stay in the relationship while others who detach choose not to stay. It's up to each person's own set of circumstances that suggests which option is best for them. I would take my clues from how I felt while I was detaching....did I feel better, worse, the same? Then go from there.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Maybe I'm confused, ICU. I thought, like you said you did, that I would be detaching from his behavior and still end up with a loving relationship.
Okay, just typing that I can see how stupid it sounds. I did think that, though.
I don't know what I hope to accomplish by detaching. First some rest. I'm exhausted all the time. Then maybe...?? a life would be nice. Hmm..
Okay, just typing that I can see how stupid it sounds. I did think that, though.
I don't know what I hope to accomplish by detaching. First some rest. I'm exhausted all the time. Then maybe...?? a life would be nice. Hmm..
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