suckerpunch

that nobody understands how bad being lied to as a child screws your mind up or growing up in an alcoholic secretive family?

i was recently lied to by my best friend. i have repeatedly asked him to be honest, thats all i wanted but he was sneaking and lying again. it hurt so bad and he always says "why does it matter if i tell you, its none of your business" but he doesnt realize that because of growing up like that and being lied to i HAVE to know everything to feel ok.

GlassPrisoner

Sorry to hear that.

Alcoholics lie. That's what they do. Accept that, and be much happier.

Others will be along soon that know more than I do.

suckerpunch

the sad thing is that I don't think he is one though. im not sure what is going on

nogard

yeah being lied to is not good and addicts do that as part of their life, but do you have to know everything? For me I can't control anything and its none of my business what others say. Most important is to do the drill each day, that is, wake up talk to god, read just for today, eat, work, play and go to a meeting, thats it the rest is not my business its up to God, Allah, The divine, whatever we call our HP's.

Kevin

lilac

Alcoholics DO lie, but sober people lie too.......Don't be so hard on yourself.

(((Hugs)))

chero

Welcome, Sukerpunch. And by the way, love your name!

I was thinking about what you said about HAVING to know everything. Do you really HAVE to know?
I have a big problem with insecurity. I would feel like I HAD to know that you liked me and everything was okay and I was okay and I drove people crazy. Including myself. Then I realized I couldn't be ruled by feelings and sometimes you either HAVE to trust people or not. It's a choice.

lilac

I have driven myself crazy over the years "wanting to know everything".

I am trying to realize that I don't need to know everything, as much as I may want to. You are in control of yourself.......not anyone else.

marle

Having to know everything is a form of control. I understand where you are coming from because I grew up in an alcoholic home. I have a daughter that is an addict and of all the things she does, the lies hurt me the most. I have tried to figure out the whys of that and you have just given me something to think about. I know on an intellectual level that is what addicts do, but I have always felt that her lies were a direct attack on me and left me feeling so betrayed. Never connected it to the way I was raised until now. Kind of a lightbulb moment. Thanks, Marle

chero

I think you're right, Marle. Having to know is a form of control. Or at least an attempt at it.
I would want to know every single thing...where he is, what he's doing, who he's with, where'd he go...and for what? To be in control of the situation.

Now ask me if I've ever been in control of my AH? Don't I wish!

Sunflower

all people lie at one time or another--white lies to protect someone--but alcoholics are the worst--and growing up in an A family--remember the whole family is sick not just the A

MsGolightly

for me, i think having to know was a way to protect myself... something like hoping for the best but expecting the worst. but the lies with my ex had gotten way out of control, and for me, it just hurt that she felt the need to lie about everything... like she should have valued me and our relationship enough NOT to lie. if that makes sense.

ignorance is bliss, i suppose. there are things i wish i would have never known, but if i didn't know them, i would have wasted my time in a dead end relationship for years to come.

suckerpunch

thats how i am. i will want to know everything. ill find myself holding back sometimes because i know he gets mad at me asking but i still have to know. it usually happens after i found ive been lied to and then i think about "what if that was fake too"

i also have severe codependant issues with it

StandingStrong

Okay, you admit that you have severe codependant issues. There is your starting point - you work on yourself and those issues.

As for having someone in your life that lies to you (Whether they are an A or not) - well, it's like this in my book.
Some people lie. I have the choice to accept the lies, accept them for being liars - or I can decide to not have those people in my life.

Seems to me that you are rather enmeshed with this friends life if he feels the need to lie to you about things and then tells you that some things aren't your business. He's basically telling you how he feels and how he views the relationship the two of you have. It's up to you if you are willing to accept that kind of treatment (lying) from him and if the friendship is really worth the pain.

parentrecovers

it's nice to meet you, suckerpunch. you've found a great place - so keep posting! k

SaTiT

Maybe that explains it.
Maybe that's why I'm all f-up.
I fit into any of the A fellowships..the aa, na, al-anon, nar-anon, and acoa.
Alcoholism just makes me sick all over. Everybody....I mean everybody
that came into my life or cross path with me has this ism sheit.
I don't know if it's beucase i acttract it or there some great lessons in life i'm
suppose to learn.
And if there is a god...ha,ha.....thank you, joke over now.

I guess that's why it's call a dis-ease.
Alcoholism speads just like a disease and infects everything and everybody around it.
it muates into different forms...a guess you can all it co-dependency, if you like.

There is help, if i want help.There are ways out.

WantsOut

I've had the benefit of being both the kid and the parent. First thing I've learned is that we all expect perfection from our parents - to never lie, to never be unfair, or hypocrites, or steal, that sort of thing. Then we find out they AREN"T PERFECT and part of us hates them for it.

Then, in some cases, we become the parent looking for forgiveness because we're just people and we love our kids and we do the best we can by them but sometimes we fall short. No one knows guilt like a parent who knows they've done wrong by their kid. It's an agony like no other - hacks at your heart like a machete. Makes you want to puke it hurts so much.

Maybe you could revisit the childhood lies and see if you can understand why they happened with more of an adult perspective. Maybe I'm off base, but maybe there's something to what I'm saying.

Peace

Emimily

suckerpunch...

if you're a reader, maybe check out the book "Codependent No More". it's pretty rad.

i'm an alcoholic, so's my mom, and my dad, and loads of other folks i love so much, and the hardest thing for me is lying. i used to lie all day, every day, and now i work my tail off to not lie all day, every day. i also hate it when i'm lied to. now, if that's not hypocrisy, i don't know what is.

it gets better, though. at least you're recognizing something's off with you, and that's a big step. good luck!

Nuudawn

We teach people how to treat us. In essence, you are telling someone that your bottom line is honesty..that you won't be lied to. You've been lied to and you're sticking around to discuss it with him...trying to make this person see reason; explaining your bottom line..therefore it is not bottom line.

I've been there...allowing emotional injury and then sticking around to yell "ouch ouch ouch" in their ear whilst they kick me some more.

suckerpunch

he doesn't listen if I try to talk about it. He says im crazy or gets mad and says he is done talking about it

suckerpunch

he lies but does it on purpose until i catch him on it. then wonders why I am mad and asking questions. obvously you know it would happen because you felt you should lie but why can't he just be honest when i ask point blank