I need advice on how to keep myself motivated..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 14
I need advice on how to keep myself motivated..
My husband of 5 years is an alcoholic, he is aware of his problem, he is trying to deal with it and he is extreamly sorry for all the emotional pain he cause to our relationship.
However he wants to deal with this within our marriage so he does not get any proffessional help for his ilness.
I would like som advise on how I can cope with this stress. He drinks in periods, so he can be sober for two months, and then start drinking again for two weeks .....and this cycle continues....
During his drinking he becomes extreamly aggressive yelling at me, playing very loud music, kicking in doors, ruining expensive gifts from me, throwing things in the house etc. For the past two years I\ve become more and more depressed and tired... I have a stressful job with high reponsibility, and I have to do everything at home as he is mostly lying on the couch when at home. The responsibility is overwhelming and the anxiety his problems are causing is draining all my energy.....
If anyone could give me advice on how I can keep myself motivatet and keep his problems from draining me of happyness and energy I would be very greateful :-)
However he wants to deal with this within our marriage so he does not get any proffessional help for his ilness.
I would like som advise on how I can cope with this stress. He drinks in periods, so he can be sober for two months, and then start drinking again for two weeks .....and this cycle continues....
During his drinking he becomes extreamly aggressive yelling at me, playing very loud music, kicking in doors, ruining expensive gifts from me, throwing things in the house etc. For the past two years I\ve become more and more depressed and tired... I have a stressful job with high reponsibility, and I have to do everything at home as he is mostly lying on the couch when at home. The responsibility is overwhelming and the anxiety his problems are causing is draining all my energy.....
If anyone could give me advice on how I can keep myself motivatet and keep his problems from draining me of happyness and energy I would be very greateful :-)
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Mylamyyy, hello and welcome!
I too had a high stress job and was trying to run everything in the home while the alcoholic in my home was drinking. I can relate!
Things that helped me were a good therapist, focusing on taking care of things that were my responsibility first (my responsibilities at work, my health, my emotional needs, my laundry, my meals, etc) and not piling so much on my plate...its stressful living with an alcoholic.
Al-anon helped me too, there are many good books that helped me as well as this site.
I hope you stick around
I too had a high stress job and was trying to run everything in the home while the alcoholic in my home was drinking. I can relate!
Things that helped me were a good therapist, focusing on taking care of things that were my responsibility first (my responsibilities at work, my health, my emotional needs, my laundry, my meals, etc) and not piling so much on my plate...its stressful living with an alcoholic.
Al-anon helped me too, there are many good books that helped me as well as this site.
I hope you stick around
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Other will be along soon to give advice about staying within a relationship with an alcoholic. I can't help ya there. What I will say is there is much, much more to alcoholism that the need to drink....it is what creates the need and compulsion to drink despite negative consequence like failed relationships and careers etc that must be addressed. Your husband needs insight into why he drinks over and over and over again and why it is such a tremendous struggle to stop. Your marriage can't help him with that sort of insight. As wonderful a woman as you may be, you are not an alcoholic and likely have no idea why someone would need to get wasted time and time again. It is completely unfair of him to expect his marriage to provide answers he desperately needs to find. He is completely ignorant of what he is truly dealing with. If people could just up and quit...just like that...there wouldn't be alcoholism. The problem is not arrested and understanding is not obtained by simply dropping the bottle.
SR is a great place for you...as is an Al-anon meeting. He may refuse to understand his problems, but you shouldn't. Bless ya for reaching out for yourself.
SR is a great place for you...as is an Al-anon meeting. He may refuse to understand his problems, but you shouldn't. Bless ya for reaching out for yourself.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Welcome My,
I can relate to what you are saying! My AH and I have been married for 12 years and he has been drinking for 11 1/2 of them. He started out like your AH. Periodically. Then it just got to be more and more and more. I was so depressed and even suicidal. I made his drinking about me and made it my problem. Somehow I convinced myself that because I couldn't make him quit then I was a failure.
How I ever survived those early years is a miracle! I kept everything I could a secret until the secret was out. But then I went right back to pretending everything was okay.
For me, this site has been the best thing to happen to me! I will tell you, my AH's drinking was progressive. It may have started periodically but ended up being pretty much constant every day. The violence, too, has progressed. I'm sad to say that. Please be safe.
You said the responsibilty is overwhelming you. But it's not your responsibility! His drinking isn't your fault! It isn't about you! You didn't cause it! You can't make him stop it!
I feel like I want to talk and talk and ramble on. I know you will get some amazing advice on here! Please, though, take time to read the stickies at the top of the page. There is some wonderful advice in there! Keep posting and talking and asking questions!!
And welcome, again!! Look forward to getting to know you better
, Cheryl
I can relate to what you are saying! My AH and I have been married for 12 years and he has been drinking for 11 1/2 of them. He started out like your AH. Periodically. Then it just got to be more and more and more. I was so depressed and even suicidal. I made his drinking about me and made it my problem. Somehow I convinced myself that because I couldn't make him quit then I was a failure.
How I ever survived those early years is a miracle! I kept everything I could a secret until the secret was out. But then I went right back to pretending everything was okay.
For me, this site has been the best thing to happen to me! I will tell you, my AH's drinking was progressive. It may have started periodically but ended up being pretty much constant every day. The violence, too, has progressed. I'm sad to say that. Please be safe.
You said the responsibilty is overwhelming you. But it's not your responsibility! His drinking isn't your fault! It isn't about you! You didn't cause it! You can't make him stop it!
I feel like I want to talk and talk and ramble on. I know you will get some amazing advice on here! Please, though, take time to read the stickies at the top of the page. There is some wonderful advice in there! Keep posting and talking and asking questions!!
And welcome, again!! Look forward to getting to know you better
, Cheryl
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 14
Hi Elizabeth1979.... dont meen to pry, but you said had, does that mean that he is no longer drinking or are you not together any longer?
I`m struggeling with wanting to leave him one minute and wanting to stay with him forever the other.... I`ve read so much about alcoholics that suddenly starts drinking again after beeing sober for several years, and that tought is so scary to me....its like living on an edge wondering if and when we fall over :-(
And I\m gonna stick around....thanks :-)
I`m struggeling with wanting to leave him one minute and wanting to stay with him forever the other.... I`ve read so much about alcoholics that suddenly starts drinking again after beeing sober for several years, and that tought is so scary to me....its like living on an edge wondering if and when we fall over :-(
And I\m gonna stick around....thanks :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 14
Thanks to Nuudawn and Chero too! I`m really touched meeting so many supportive people, with so many interesting comments in so short time :-)
To keep my husbands problems secret Ive keept away from friends and family which in the end has made me quite lonely
I really appriciate it!
To keep my husbands problems secret Ive keept away from friends and family which in the end has made me quite lonely
I really appriciate it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
hi mylamyyy, welcome!
whenever i ever feel lonely, this is where i come to read and get support - it's a really fantastic community that i've come to love, and i hope to get to know you and your story better
i'm not sure i can give any advice on how you can deal with your husband's drinking, besides to keep busy and to try to detach yourself from the situation, slowly, if possible... i've learned to stay away from my A when she's drinking, i've learned not to press the issue, because it only ends up really hurting my feelings and she doesn't even remember any of it after the fact
i keep myself busy, or try to, by reading, watching movies, going out with my friends and family, etc, and when i'm still feeling lonely or depressed, i come here and talk about it with my new friends you'll find lots of support here!
whenever i ever feel lonely, this is where i come to read and get support - it's a really fantastic community that i've come to love, and i hope to get to know you and your story better
i'm not sure i can give any advice on how you can deal with your husband's drinking, besides to keep busy and to try to detach yourself from the situation, slowly, if possible... i've learned to stay away from my A when she's drinking, i've learned not to press the issue, because it only ends up really hurting my feelings and she doesn't even remember any of it after the fact
i keep myself busy, or try to, by reading, watching movies, going out with my friends and family, etc, and when i'm still feeling lonely or depressed, i come here and talk about it with my new friends
you'll find lots of support here!
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
you said had, does that mean that he is no longer drinking or are you not together any longer?
I left the relationship after several years although he did not quit drinking until rather recently.
Its so lonely being in a relationship with an alcoholic when its a secret. Many people here can relate to that. My ex's disease was no secret to anyone, but it was isolating as I didnt go out alot (fear he would be sick from withdrawls or fear he would overdrink) and didnt ask friends over for the same reasons...its so very hard.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 14
So is life without him better?
I met my husband when I was 16, and I married him at 22 so I`m kind of thinking well this is life because I`ve not experienced living with anyone else, and in reality we do not know what goes on behind even the nicest facade....(Btw. Im huge on facade building and my biggest fear is that anyone will know what goes on behind ours...)
I met my husband when I was 16, and I married him at 22 so I`m kind of thinking well this is life because I`ve not experienced living with anyone else, and in reality we do not know what goes on behind even the nicest facade....(Btw. Im huge on facade building and my biggest fear is that anyone will know what goes on behind ours...)
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
My life is better now, absolutely. I am becoming who I was meant to be. Im learning about myself and loving myself.
A part of me may always care about him, it will just be from a distance.
Ive learned that there were just so many things that were dysfunctional about our relationship and the drinking was not the only issue. I had and still have many issues of my own, coming from a dysfunctional family- I had not clue how to be healthy and held my share of responsibility in the dysfunction junction that was my home with my ex.
The facade for me was admitting to myself-not anyone else, that my life was not perfect and that I had the right to be happy and being unhappy for the sake of appearance was not good for me.
Nobody's life is perfect, the people who look like they have it all together, sometimes dont. I try not to compare my insides to anothers outsides.
A part of me may always care about him, it will just be from a distance.
Ive learned that there were just so many things that were dysfunctional about our relationship and the drinking was not the only issue. I had and still have many issues of my own, coming from a dysfunctional family- I had not clue how to be healthy and held my share of responsibility in the dysfunction junction that was my home with my ex.
The facade for me was admitting to myself-not anyone else, that my life was not perfect and that I had the right to be happy and being unhappy for the sake of appearance was not good for me.
Nobody's life is perfect, the people who look like they have it all together, sometimes dont. I try not to compare my insides to anothers outsides.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 14
I feel I have a long process in front of me, finding back to myself, living for me not for him and what to do with my marriage... but I think this group is a good place to be while figuring it out....I guess you`ll see more of me ;-)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Wanted to add my welcome to the others.... I no longer have an alcoholic in my life but something you said really triggered me.
This is what my ex-ah use to want too, he did not want anyone to know there was a problem. Not that he thought he had a problem, but more that he did not want them knowing how unhappy I was. I stopped going out with friends and having a life outside of the marriage too.
That is exactally what he wanted, because then all my attention, needs, wants, desires, .... everything came from him. SO... if I complained to much he just with held the attention... It is very dangerous to build your entire life around one person. I was very controlled ... If I was what he defined as good then he would meet some of my needs..... If I complained or whatever, he would not meet any of them.... what ended up happening is that I compromised myself for the scraps of attention he gave me and I was really thankful and felt blessed for those scraps. Sick I know.
I ended up leaving him and in answer to your question is life better??? YES, but it would not have been much better if I had not put the work into my recovery.... That is what has made the biggest difference in my life is working on me.
Keep posting, I look forward to getting to know you.
o keep my husbands problems secret Ive keept away from friends and family which in the end has made me quite lonely
That is exactally what he wanted, because then all my attention, needs, wants, desires, .... everything came from him. SO... if I complained to much he just with held the attention... It is very dangerous to build your entire life around one person. I was very controlled ... If I was what he defined as good then he would meet some of my needs..... If I complained or whatever, he would not meet any of them.... what ended up happening is that I compromised myself for the scraps of attention he gave me and I was really thankful and felt blessed for those scraps. Sick I know.
I ended up leaving him and in answer to your question is life better??? YES, but it would not have been much better if I had not put the work into my recovery.... That is what has made the biggest difference in my life is working on me.
Keep posting, I look forward to getting to know you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 14
Thank you for welcoming me :-)
What you say feels like a kick in my stumack .... my whole life revolves around him, and I have become so controlled by him...even if i didnt notice it before now...than you for the enlightment....
However I must say in our relationship i am mainly resposible for the reclusion myself...it is not something he wants..and he encourages me to go out with friends when he is not drinking.
I see many of you advice me on keeping away from him when he is drinking, my problem is that he gets angry when I leave the house when he is drunk...which maks me fear he will tear down the house in a rage if i leave ... so insted i stay in the house and try not to bother him or let him see my hurt as that ofcourse might trigger another rage ....and all of this behaviour is draining me ...and Im now at a point were i cannot see to pull myself together to deal with my life.... How can I deal with this...should I just leave the house and leave him to his destructional behaviour?
What you say feels like a kick in my stumack .... my whole life revolves around him, and I have become so controlled by him...even if i didnt notice it before now...than you for the enlightment....
However I must say in our relationship i am mainly resposible for the reclusion myself...it is not something he wants..and he encourages me to go out with friends when he is not drinking.
I see many of you advice me on keeping away from him when he is drinking, my problem is that he gets angry when I leave the house when he is drunk...which maks me fear he will tear down the house in a rage if i leave ... so insted i stay in the house and try not to bother him or let him see my hurt as that ofcourse might trigger another rage ....and all of this behaviour is draining me ...and Im now at a point were i cannot see to pull myself together to deal with my life.... How can I deal with this...should I just leave the house and leave him to his destructional behaviour?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I have a question.
You worry SO much about his rage if ............ you leave......... or whatever.
What do you think he would do if he saw your rage.
You are entitled to anger hon.... you have the right to set your boundries, you are an individual and entitled to your feelings...
Just a thought.
You worry SO much about his rage if ............ you leave......... or whatever.
What do you think he would do if he saw your rage.
You are entitled to anger hon.... you have the right to set your boundries, you are an individual and entitled to your feelings...
Just a thought.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 14
Unfortunatley If I rage he gets completely out of control, like he tries to upstage my rage, so i try to keep calm to prevent the situation to get completely out of hand.
Or if he is sober he is just very sorry and says its never going to happend again...
Or if he is sober he is just very sorry and says its never going to happend again...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR Mylamyyy, glad to have you here with us.
As others have focused on the alcohol aspect, I would like to focus on another issue I see. This may or may not be something you are ready to address yet, and if it's not, just keep it in the back of your mind.
Mylamyyy, Do you realize that these are classic examples of how abuse starts?
Please view the stickies at the top on Abuse. Maybe he hasn't actually struck you or physically assaulted you in any way....yet! It's just something I recognize in what you've said here and I think it's important that you are 'aware' of what steps you should consider taking to keep yourself safe when he is raging.
Please keep coming back!
As others have focused on the alcohol aspect, I would like to focus on another issue I see. This may or may not be something you are ready to address yet, and if it's not, just keep it in the back of your mind.
Originally Posted by Mylamyyy 
....During his drinking he becomes extreamly aggressive yelling at me, playing very loud music, kicking in doors, ruining expensive gifts from me, throwing things in the house etc.
Originally Posted by Mylamyyy
....I see many of you advice me on keeping away from him when he is drinking, my problem is that he gets angry when I leave the house when he is drunk...which maks me fear he will tear down the house in a rage if i leave ... so insted i stay in the house and try not to bother him or let him see my hurt as that ofcourse might trigger another rage ....and all of this behaviour is draining me...Should I just leave the house and leave him to his destructional behaviour?
Originally Posted by Mylamyyy
....Unfortunatley If I rage he gets completely out of control, like he tries to upstage my rage, so i try to keep calm to prevent the situation to get completely out of hand.
Please view the stickies at the top on Abuse. Maybe he hasn't actually struck you or physically assaulted you in any way....yet! It's just something I recognize in what you've said here and I think it's important that you are 'aware' of what steps you should consider taking to keep yourself safe when he is raging.
Please keep coming back!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
