vujade

I have come to understand that a big part of our problems as a couple centers around taking responsiblity for our actions. DH does not take responsibility for his own actions (or lack thereof) and I am far too willing to take responsibility for both of us in all areas.

When we argued about him not working on available jobs last week, he blamed his business partner ("I've just got to tell D that I need to work and he can't drag me all over town goofing off instead of working on our jobs")

When he comes home late and doesn't call, he blames his friends ("I said three times that I needed to leave, but I couldnt' because C kept talking to me")

When he was drinking, he blamed the beer, the friends, or me. Nothing is EVER just his own doing. I call it the pinball complex. He acts as if he has no control over where he randomly bounces next.

And as for me, I keep taking responsiblity for EVERYTHING. I have some pathetic, self-imposed martyr complex (or I guess we could call it the pinball-flipper complex, as if I feel this compulsion to make sure the ball is always in play and then failure if it goes down the gutter). I make sure he has called back potential customers and sent off estimate and invoices. I remind him every Wednesday that he needs to pick up our son early for soccer practice. If I'm not home, the house goes to heck...not because he doesn't think its HIS job so much as he just doesn't even THINK of dishes, laundry, cleaning at all. Why??? Because I always do it. I make it possible for him to never have to truly be responsible for anything (yes, I know, this is how we spell "enabler")

I KNOW I need to work on the "me" part of this and stop taking on all the responsiblity. But where do I start??? It seems that whatever I come up with inevitably seems too drastic (I can't talk myself into "letting go" on anything that will put me at risk financially or my children emotionally).

My best friend (also married to an A and still very much in denial) suggested not doing his laundry anymore as a start. It seemed like sort of a weak step, but maybe at this point a baby step is better than nothing.

I'm really looking for some straightforward input here. Tough love is welcome! *grin*

Cynay

Hey there SKW..... Love how you described that... Im the flipper too.

Straightforward huh.... Well Im guessing you just not done being a self-imposed martyr yet.... How did that go?? the pain stops when your sick and tired of being sick and tired...

I asked my ex-ah once during a sober moment why he did not help, why he did not take care of our daughter, why he did not pay the bills...etc. You know what his response was?

Because I dont have too .... you will.

and he was right...

Nuudawn

Good post. I'm a recovering drunk...and just yesterday I realized that I likely would have hit bottom at 38 (rather than 40) had a dear family member not "bailed me out" of the emotional jam I was in. His heart and intention was definitely in the right place...but in hindsight... I should have dealt with the rubble that was my life rather than accept the leg up that was provided to me. Truly loving is allowing others to suffer consequences. I have been bailed out over and over in my life by well meaning people. People have shut their mouths and looked away rather than speak up.

Your "helping" addiction is an obstacle to growth and recovery. We all NEED to do for ourselves. If we do not face pain and consequence..we simply do not learn.

hope2bhappy

I guess DH doesn't HAVE to take responsibility as long as you are around to do it for him.

Maybe if you each had your own list of duties, with the understanding that this list is "yours" and this list is "mine," it would be a good exercise in teaching him how to accept responsibility and teaching you how to let go of it.

un4gvn acts

I would set up some boundaries. Boundaries are not walls! Over time boundaries can be flexible!

I ask myself everyday "How far am i willing to go in this relationship"

Just let him be, let him do what he thinks he needs to do; allow him to live his own life.

Once you detach from his issues then you can start living yours.

Accept what you cannot change ....... Accept what you cannot change

vujade

Cynay - that literally made me LOL! You can't get more honest than that, huh?

Thanks for the input. It makes sense and although it wasn't the response I was anticipating, it was dead-on. I guess when I'm really ready to make the change, I'll know exactly where to start. And I will have to accept that until then, MY lack of action will most likely result in the same outcomes.

I have thought about turning over all invoicing and estimates. It will mean really taking the time to teach DH how to use QuickBooks instead of just threatening and talking about it. And again...it felt like a measly little step in the grand scheme of things. But, weaning myself from the need to control is going to be as hard for me as it will be for DH to use a mouse (yes...the man is horribly computer illiterate). Is it reasonable to start with baby steps? Or could it just as easily be a veiled excuse to keep enabling?

vujade

I often regret that I don't let my DH experience the joys of being a grown-up. Thanks for reinforcing that from your perspective. With pain and consequence comes self-empowerment and it's unfair for me to deny him that.

ICU

I think that's a great place to start.

You could look at it as an excuse to keep enabling....might be true to some degree or it might not. I prefer thinking about it in terms of baby steps. Try it out, see how it feels, maybe alter the next step a little bit if need be. It's definitely a learning process.

SaTiT

You can also cut through all the BS and accept your co-dependency.
If that's not painful enough than i don't know what to tell you.

Cynay

SaTiT - I think she has probably already figured that one out.

dollydo

Bounderies, Bounderies and more Bounderies, and the ability to stick to them.

Then, a decision to treat your hubby as an adult not a child...the longer you treat him as a child, the longer it will take him to grow up.

The question is: Do you want an equal partner in your life, or, do you want to raise another child? One that will never grow up, unless, you stop your behavior. This is your decision,not his.

Nuudawn

Having a bad day SaTIT? I did not see any denial of responsibility or unawareness in SKW's post. Perhaps you should read it again. The woman is reaching out and seeking answers and input...which gets one a lot further than smug self righteousness.

chero

Hey SKW, When I was reading your post this is the one thing that kept jumping out at me....too drastic?? Maybe it's time for too drastic?? I don't know what you idea of too drastic is, but if we never take our hands-off our A's then why should they be hands-on in their own lives??

elizabeth1979

So true, this statement..I wish I would have heard it years ago.
My ex said on more than one occasion that he never wanted me to be in charge and responsible for every little thing..that was a role I had given myself. Oh, I begeed to differ, but in the end, he was right.
It was in my case, a power play or an attempt at control.

Im a big fan of logical consequences. Someone in my office doesnt get a job done during work hours bc they are messing around, they get to stay late to finish. When my ex didnt do his laundry, he walked around in dirty clothes.

I was forever trying to be the orchestrator of my ex's consequences.."If I am a raving lunatic, he will see that drinking is no good and make me mad and then he will stop bc the consequence of his drinking is my yelling.."..that was insanity...his actions produced his own consequences when I got out of the way...so to speak.

SaTiT

Having a great day ..Thank you

Please don't get me wrong . i didn't meant it to be hash or sarcastic.
I use the word BS beucase there's a list of thousands of wreackage
and i can go on until the end of eternity..which will drive me insane
or start a mind storm.
I've been there, all confused, in a fog, and sick and tired. i didn't
know where to begin, becuase it was f-up all the way around.

Acceptence cuts through the fog and confusion of denial.
And allow the grace of focus. The focus gose back on me.
Not whatever the hell is wrong my with GF or what she is doing.
It's now my co-dependency, my shortcomings...My responsiblities
to work on me. Look at my part in it. It takes two to tangle in
a co-dependency dance. Acceptence is a S.O.B.

Accepting that i'm powerless over people , places and things
and my life had became unmanageable.....
That hurts like heck....especailly if i was trying to control it and keep it together.

At the very least i started reading or reserching about co-dependency.
The character traits of a co-dependent. i can't repair something if I
don't know what it is.

I can have empathy for SKW and share her pain.
Never the less she needs to be awaken, so she can step out of confusion.

DesertEyes

Folks, please direct your posts to the original poster and to the subject of the thread. Talking _about_ other and diagnosing what you think they need is disrespectful and condescending.

Mike

socalgal

I was very ill for the past few weeks and was forced to stop doing everything, taking care of everything. I don't know what was harder, being as sick as I was or the guilt and anxiety I felt over not taking care of everything and everybody.

Guess what? My husband managed just fine. Of course, I had to "let things go", as in the condition of the house, etc. Yeah, it pretty much looked like a bomb went off when I was finally able to get up and have a look around. But, you know, the kids were fed and made it to and from school every day. The laundry got done...sort of. Basically, the world didn't stop spinning when I let go of control. Imagine that!

I think it actually was good for my husband, too. I do more than I need to . It really does deny people opportunities for their own growth and their own lives if we never give them the chance to do for themselves. I am partly saying this because it is something I need to hear.

Anyway, I am not sure about the baby steps and enabling, but I am a firm believer in trusting your gut. Also, nothing is written in stone, not even boundaries. Set them and if they don't feel right or aren't working, change them. Just changing something, however small, is a step forward. Nobody said you have to take flying leaps!

-K

HolyQow

Not much advice, and the standard reply is: My AH is EXACTLY the same! and it's true.

He is so bent on making the kids have some responsibility that he can't see that he has none. Then he whines that he works and shouldn't have to do dishes.....blah blah blah.

I am going to tell my New Year's resolution I made to myself this year. I haven't said a word to anyone because it seemed stupid or embarrassing. I decided that I was going to do ALL of the dishes every day no matter what. I would stop procrastinating with "I'll get them tomorrow". I also wanted a resolution that wouldn't be history in a week or so. I felt I could do this. And as of today: I have left dishes in the sink only twice in three months....once because I was sick, and once when my brother died. Why am I bothering to tell you this? Because I decided to take care of MY issues. This was an on-going issue for me, being lazy, and procrastinating. I always keep the house decent, but I knew it could be so much better. I believe in the "ripple effect".... once my kitchen was spotless every day, everyone else just started pitching in.....washing their own plate, putting it in the dishwasher...etc...

so my point....o I did have one somewhere.... o yeah, if you take care of your own stuff, then others will follow. Getting yourself better has a good effect on everyone else in the family.

PS: I don't think doing his laundry or dishes is enabling.....these are just roles that one person takes on in the family. Being part of a family requires give and take...and too bad one is always taking taking taking. If that's the way it's always been, then it might be very difficult to change that.

SaTiT

Sorry for being too straight forward.....

Educating myself on certain facts about co -dependency wasn't too
drastic. At the very least i wasn't totally confused anymore.
I didn't changed overnight, but i became more aware of them.
The more I catch myself doing them and is aware of them.
The more I got sick and tire of them. I became less obsessive
and stop trying to control verything. For some reason i had more
energy becuase I wasn't wasting my time wondering and worrying.
Those simple task or working wasn't overwhelming, i just put one
foot in front of the other. I actually forget about the woman from
time to time.

For some strange reason my GF hit bottom and decided to get clean
and sober. Maybe she needed to make that decision for herself and
not me telling her. Strange as it is, she works her program perfectly
fine without my asistence.