Wanted to add my welcome to the others.... I no longer have an alcoholic in my life but something you said really triggered me.
o keep my husbands problems secret Ive keept away from friends and family which in the end has made me quite lonely
This is what my ex-ah use to want too, he did not want anyone to know there was a problem. Not that he thought he had a problem, but more that he did not want them knowing how unhappy I was. I stopped going out with friends and having a life outside of the marriage too.
That is exactally what he wanted, because then all my attention, needs, wants, desires, .... everything came from him. SO... if I complained to much he just with held the attention... It is very dangerous to build your entire life around one person. I was very controlled ... If I was what he defined as good then he would meet some of my needs..... If I complained or whatever, he would not meet any of them.... what ended up happening is that I compromised myself for the scraps of attention he gave me and I was really thankful and felt blessed for those scraps. Sick I know.
I ended up leaving him and in answer to your question is life better??? YES, but it would not have been much better if I had not put the work into my recovery.... That is what has made the biggest difference in my life is working on me.
Keep posting, I look forward to getting to know you.