wiscgirl30

You guys must be so sick of me. Im pathetic. So freaking pathetic. Went for a Sunday "lunch" with my friend yesterday. No lunch happened. We just drank all night. From 2 p.m. till I guess I got home at 1:30, so my kids say. I was "beligerent" at the bar I guess and slammed my beer on the bar, hitting some girl in the face. THEN, my friend decides enough is enough and we go to her house, where my car is, and I become even more beligerent. Screaming at her and such. THEN, when she is not looking, I LEAVE, getting in my car WITHOUT my shoes or sweater, and decide to drive TWO MILES to where I live, but not without stopping at the GODDAMN BAR DOWN THE ROAD without SHOES. And I guess I was there from about 9:30 till 1:30 when some DUDE (my kids say!) walked me home and came in for 15 minutes. I have NO CLUE where any of that time went. I not remember a THING from 7 p.m. till 1:30 a.m., except for a few flashes. Im pathetic. Im a loser. I hate myself more than I can even explain. AND, once again my son stayed home cuz he says I kept him up all night. They said was dreaming and saying "HARDER, HARDER!" OMG I am freaking MORTIFIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! Please help me GOD.

Missymae737

HI,

You are not pathetic, a loser, and don't hate yourself. You are a person who struggles with addiction...

I was told this awhile back, and I didn't really want to hear it, but there is a lot of truth to it. When you get tired of the pain, when you admit you are truly powerless with addiction, you will fight with every ounce of energy to escape its' grip. A meeting may help, coming here, call a friend, these things helped me.

I will be thinking of you...Keep posting...

wiscgirl30

I just know that I keep saying and saying I need to quit, every time something like this happens. I cant believe I DROVE. UGH. I black out so bad. I cant believe I was in the bar without SHOES! What a LOSER! Seriously! And now I go walk the 2 blocks to get my car and the DAMN battery is DEAD! UGHHHHHH.... My life sucks, I suck, and I really do hate myself right now....

However, a small light at the end of the tunnel. I was walking to get my car. I live in Mid Wisconsin. It was BEAUTIFUL out. I was walking my beautiful, precious puppy that I love, love LOVE and for a brief moment, I thought "Life can be really great....if I let it."

RubyT

Welcome to Day One!

Your posts have always touched me, as I see alot of myself in your words. One thing I'd like you to remember is our children have an amazing way of forgiving. Forgiving ourselves is not so easy and I struggle with that daily.

Please continue to reach out, remember this feeling that exists today. I know there are alot of people that do care about you and want you to succeed. I count myself as one of them.

Latte

A lady writes a bood about her "Love Story" with alcohol. I have it in my car, but alas I suffer from short term memory loss. I'm sure someone else will come on here and tell you the exact title. She talks about this. She talks about losing large chunks of time.

I had to sit through an alcohol awareness course this last weekend and I can tell you what a blackout means, but I'm sure you know that, and if you don't I can get you the information. I find that as I get more educated, the better choices I make. Not always the right choices, but better ones. Better each and every time.

My thoughts are with you.

Missymae737

Yes, life can be great if we let go of the pain and let life happen. I know, it is not easy to do... but with letting go of the pain, comes strength...

Talluleh

wiscgirl, the frequency and length of time of my blackouts were a major contributor to me quitting. I stopped saying "I don't want to quit drinking" and started saying "I don't want to have another blackout ever again". The blackouts were even happening when I would drink less than usual. I got sick of being upset, worried and mortified, so I quit. For me it's truly one day at a time. It's still early on for me but everyday it gets better.

hjwlfamily

Oh gosh you are not a loser, you are an alcoholic, there is a big difference. Just pick yourself up and try again honey. I have had many nights like that and made a lot of folks angry and upset and those that love you will be there for you. Just keep trying. You can do it. I hope you are feeling okay today. You are not alone.

topetah

i dont think your a loser at all. i would say to myself thats the last time. im never going to do this again. but seems i sounded like a broken record because ive said that to myself so many times. on my last relaps i was driving home (sober) from dropping my son off to daycare. and i told myself im never gonna do this again. i started to cry so hard and told myself why why do you always say this. well its because we are addicted. there is something we try and forget (well atleast i do) so we get so trashed we think the pain will go away. but just to find there is more pain the next day. my problem is that i get lonely and i get drunk. but now i find things to do with my time like spend it with familly,my son,there are tons of things i could do but i just choose to drink. i have 7 days sober since my last and i truelly feel great. as long as your sober today dont worry what you did last nite. stick with it and dont beat yourself up. you will never win that fight. hope the best for you....jason

janeeyre

Wiscgirl--hang on to this, because it is TRUE. You can live sober. I've been reading your posts, and I really believe it.

Oh, I think the book Latte was talking about is "Drinking--A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. That book is priceless.

Take care,
Jane

WantsOut

wiscgirl, your post was a wierd read for me. I used to think and feel the exact same stuff. The same shame and the pain - the humiliation and the self-destruction. I haven't felt that way in like 9 years.

For me the key was learning how to remember that alcohol made me feel bad when I was under the delusion that it was going to make me feel good.

Bless you and good luck.

hector

Hey, wiscgirl. Hope you're feeling better now.

An alcoholic will only stop drinking when he (or she) is about to lose something they value more than the booze. It seems you have a lot. You have a home, a car, friends, kids, a puppy. A freaking PUPPY, for God's sake!

Your life can go into the toilet fast. You don't have to ride the garbage truck all the way to the dump. Just don't drink, no matter what. Do whatever you have to do. Detox, AA, rehab, AA, counselling, AA.... it relly works if you want it to. You've lost time, self-respect, probably health... Somewhere the hurting must stop. Get a grip. Quit drinking. I don't care how hard it is. I did it. Millions of others have. You can too. Just for today because today is the only day there is.

I need a kleenex. I hope you do too.

I've been sober over 18 years. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

hector

... forgot this... Who said "Somewhere the hurting must stop"?

Terry Fox. Lost a leg to cancer, then tried to run across Canada to raise money for cancer research. It's carved into his memorial, near Thunder Bay, Ontario. This is too, another quote of his...

"I believe in miracles. I have to..."

parentrecovers

hello wiscgirl - please be safe. the blackouts are scary. please be safe.

recovery is possible.

blessings, k

anewday2day

Hi there.. I relate alot with your post.. I do the post awful humilating things in blackouts and I too have relasped again and again.. it is hard not to feel like a loser but truth is we are sick suffering from a disease of alcholism. .... I feel your pain I really do! At least you didnt flash stangers.. I have been known to do that and worse in blackouts! uhhh Yeah I had a blackoutthis weeknd too.. A huge bruise on my leg today... I am going to a meeting and I hope you do do.
PS I fee l the same about my dog.. he keeps me going!

Sunflower

you will stop when you finally realize---you want to have some kind of a normal life-and that life is hard enough without making it worse---that you have children who love you---that you are important----just keep on trying

GlassPrisoner

When you're ready to do anything to quit.

wiscgirl30

Now it is 6 p.m. I guess I feel a little bit better, but still mortified. Ugh. I know so well that I do need to quit. Now can I go throw away the $20 of Vodka I bought last week? I dont know. Lately I miss work (or a few hours of it, or Im late or something) almost EVERY week because of drinking. I should realize that there is SOMETHING wrong with that picture. I let my son stay home from school for a second time this month because *I* kept him up all night with my moaning and crying and whatever else. Disgusting. Get with it, girl, and knock it the hell OFF....

wiscgirl30

Also, yes I have heard that book mentioned here a couple of times. Im going to go pick it up. All my "talk" about quitting has been just that TALK. I never quit, I never even come close. This time I just have to. It woiuldn't be the end of the world for me to be the sober one all the time. At least I wont have to feel like THIS ever again.

anewday2day

yeah and the drunks/blackouts can get alot worse...trust me.....