teke

i keep reading posts that talks about being insensitive to the newcomers and i'm beginning to feel afraid that i may say the wrong thing to someone and i am kind of confused as to what is considered insensitive and when is it ok to actually share what helped me if i feel that it may help someone else.

i've have a problem knowing when to share and when not to share. i know that i don't mean any harm to anyone. anybody experienced this, who maybe able to help me understand or am i the only one who feels this way.

hard truth if you don't mind, i'm still trying to learn.

CrushedbyCrack

Teke, I'm a fairly newcomer, and I always read your posts. I find them particularly helpful because my AH drug of choice is crack. I find I can relate more to people who have an AH who also abuses this drug. It is especially helpful to hear from you because I get both viewpoints (by that meaning that you are also a recovered addict).

I have never felt any of your posts to be insensitive. For me, the ones that are a little harsh are the ones that criticize the decisions I am currently making in my relationship with my AH and the effects it has on my children. But, even though they are "harsh", I also need to hear them, even if I don't like them. I have never felt any of yours were even remotely harsh. You seem to share your story and your feelings most of all, which I think is very helpful to everyone.

GwenMarie30

Teke,
Your words are always honest and sincere. Ive never personally taken anything personall from any member of this board. As far as I see it. If start a thread here "ASKING" for advice or opinions, then by all means, give it. Ive never not one time seen anyone say wake up and smell the trouble. Or any member blaming another for there own mess. Ive seen alot of support. Of course I dont get a chance to read every post. I think when some one ask for an opinion than it should be given. But also with some words of support and care. All your post Ive seen offer just that. The way you see things, what has worked for you and maybe something to help or give another solution.

Some just post to get their feeling out. If they dont ask, I dont give out an opinion. I give just hugs, prayers, and sincere compassion for what is troubling them. Please Teke, kepp posting. Ive told you once before how much your words mean to me and the wisdom and strength you have found through your own problems.

rayofsunshine

I always look forward to reading your posts and experiences. As a recovering
addict, you give hope to us who have addicted loved ones. As a wife to an
AH, we gain valuable insight as we go thru "our co-dependency recovery"
together. I'm so glad you are here and I've never been offended by your posts.

I try to always remember to "Take what I need and leave the rest."

Jewelz

teke, I'm sure you remember when I made a thread about the members bening sensitive when responding to a newcomer. I have read many of your replies, and threads I have never seened anything that sounded harsh, insensitive or uncaring. You provide for us your honesty about how you feel having a rah and how you feel as a RA yourself. You have had me learn so much through your replies. Please continue to respond with your heart... when you respond with your heart you cant go wrong. I believe sometimes some of the people may still be angry, or dealing with their own recovery and just maybe when they see a post it triggers them to react in a certain way because of their own issues they may be going through.
keep your responses the way they are you dont need to change a thing.

Hugs,
Jewel

teke

thanks you guys, i don't mean to seem like i continuously need to be reassured, but this is one of those issues that i allowed my rah to hammer me with all of these yrs. he told me things like if people knew me that they wouldn't like me, and that nobody wanted to hear anything that i had to say because it never made sense. he used to say that he could not stand to hear me talk, couldn't stand to hear my voice.

i know now that it was abuse, and he realizes that i don't believe anything that he says about me, so he don't use that anymore to manipulate me, but at times i still find myself being effected by it. i think that i'm getting better, but every now and then i ask, cause i'm afraid that i'll go back in to that silent shell that i've lived in for so long, especially if i think that i maybe hurting someone more than helping them.

MeggieStar

Teke...you are fine. You're posts have become stronger and stronger and better and better. They are some of the best posts out there. You are invaluable to this board.

I'm going to make a separate thread too, since this seems to be such big issue these days.

cmc

teke,
I admire that you are 'checking on' yourself- we all should do this to be sure how we affect others, but I don't ever see anything but good old experience, strength and hope coming from you! And what you share is always given with kindness and respect.
you are aok!
cmc

teke

thanks to all of you, i'm still trying to work through all of this insecurity

meggie, i responded to your thread before i read your response, and i feel better hearing this coming from you, now that i've read your post. thanks, i can quit crying now.LOL

laketime

Teke , Im A Newcomer To This Site But Not Addiciton. I Think Your Post Are Right On The Money With The 12 Steps. I Know What You Post Is Not Always What I "want To Hear" But It Is Surely What I Need To Hear. I Think All Uf Us Who Deal With Addiction Know 100% Of The Time What To Do From Meetings And Readings And Real Experience. It Just Becomes Harder To Do The Right Thing In Real Life With People You Love And Carfe About. I Love Your Posts Because When I Make A Decision Based On The Steps And It Feels Like Absoluely The Most Inhuman Thing To Do, You Tell It Like It Is, And That Makes Me Feel Human Again.
Take Care And Keep It Up
Laketime

Noah812

Teke - I for one being drug into the last instance this was brought up am apprehensive about giving honest advice. Though I never directly tell someone how to live thier lives I do try and tell how I lived mine with my addcit and offer comfort. With recent events I feel I cant give my opinion, even when I AM being asked my opinion, without being scolded or scrutinized. I do hope I hav'nt hurt anyone here and that I have helped someone. It is easier to type "Everything will be fine, hang in there" and takes very little time compared to a page long post in reply to a thread. If people do not want or cant handle anothers opinion, they should not ask and sensitive people should ignore those threads so they don't get upset at everyone else. If people are limited to what they can post by how EVERYONE is to handle it, some info that i have that could help another may never get posted. In the last instance of this I just never replied back when engaged in an argument that would never end. Should everyone who is diffrent be silenced due to diffrent points of view? Should those people be encouraged to share, even if the truth hurts a few people who are unable to see that diffrent people have diffrent needs. If anyone sensitive is offended by this, i appologise again but maybe we all should encourage one another to stop throwing in the VICTIM flag everytime we read something that is not the same philosophy of life as thier own and instead, live and let live. I know I have helped people with my words because you have let me know, Im glad I could help.

rayofsunshine

Well said!

Alot of times, when I find myself getting defensive reading a thread, its because its not what I want to hear. As I've "grown up" a little in my recovery,, I find myself getting alot less defensive, and taking what I need and leaving the rest. It has helped me to know my options from reading the point of views of many people here, and knowing ultimately what I decide to do is MY choice.

Noah, I can't speak for everyone, but *I* always read your posts to see what you have shared.

Live2Ride

Noah - well said.

teke

i enjoy your post too noah, i for one don't always like what i read, but most of the time i find that what i don't want to hear might be what i need to hear. i'm so willing to get better, that i'd rather weed out what don't fit to me today, knowing that it may just fit tomorrow. so please if you guys don't mind, i NEED the hard truth, even if you have to pm me. i'm so hard headed at times, and i know that i am.................

lostparent

teke..I think you are very helpful to people on here !!!!!

itiswhatitis...

teke,

i am new to this forum and i've never seen you say anything offensive to anyone - ever...


in every forum i've ever participated in i've seen lots of people leave at some point - some people just take what they need and go quietly away and come back when they may need something again (that would be me) - others have to announce their departure because they want others to notice - i guess that's just the difference in people...

and that's the great part of the internet - it's brings so many different types of people together - if someone's opinion differs from my own i appreciate that - i just appreciate that someone would take the time to respond -

Ann

I think that it's always okay to share our own experience, strength and hope...and I am going to add our own downfalls too.

My sponsor was someone I called the She-Devil with a heart as big as Texas, because she was able to call me on any BS or "ducking the issues" but she did it with love and she also was a great mentor for watching how to share and reach the newcomer without scaring them half to death.

When I was a newcomer, I hated phrases like "Let Go" and "In God's Time" and "work through the pain, not around it." They were not the answers I wanted to hear but they were the answered I needed to hear if I was ever going to change and make progress.

In any group as large as we have here, there will always be some who touch our hearts with every word, and some who make our teeth hurt, and a few that just annoy us and many more who inspire us. The mix is good. If we were all the same and shared the same things, there would be no purpose in reading more than a couple of posts.

Teke, your posts never fail to inspire me. You do what my sponsor always encouraged me to do...you "expose" yourself. That means that you share the good stuff and the bad stuff, your successes and your struggles. That is good because recovery takes us to all those places, and when we share them the newcomer knows that they are not a failure because they hit a wall in their recovery, or they act out badly sometimes even when they know better. I've been in recovery for over 10 years and I still have days when I struggle, when I behave in a manner not becoming to my recovery.

What I am trying to say in far too many words is....Just be yourself, share who you are, where you came from, where you are going and how you get there. Trust the magic of this program and know that every day, something you post will touch a heart and make a difference. Because you do make a difference, to me and to everyone here.

Hugs

Cupicake

I had a feeling this was going to be an ongoing discussion because I've been feeling an overall difference in the atmosphere that is our forum....

But, Teke, I do thank you for bringing this up because I do feel a kind of "tip-toeing" around here on the sensitivity subject which I never felt was an issue when I first joined SR. Maybe we need to discuss it to get passed it.

**(Personally, I think it's because we don't have the smilies readily available anymore to effectively express how we feel since we can't see each others faces when we write....causing some to feel a little when reading some responses. - - What do you think?)

Okay...seriously...

I know I could not have come as far as I have if I didn't have both the sensitivity and the hard truth from my SR family. It's like receiving hugs...the love and understanding from people who really know what's what and getting the sense knocked into me at the same time. That is what I love about this place...you can speak the truth and be honest and open.

hope213

i have to agree with anns post..she said it in a nut shell. teke, let it go, you are doing good.this i think is your insecuritys. keep posting , with your heart, it is a good heart. hugs,hope

teke

god knows hope do i recognize all the insecurities that i have to work through, i think i'm doing better than i was when i first came here but i know that i still have a long long way to go, so i thank you all for helping me to know that i'm gonna be ok. i hope that i don't bother you all if i get scared again one day, i will try my best to talk myself out of the negative things that my head want to tell me about me but i'm glad you don't mind wopping me anytime you think i need it,