at a cross road, need support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: OR
Posts: 32
at a cross road, need support
I am currently at a cross road in my relationship with my A boyfriend. I know what my gut is telling me, and I guess I am posting to get a little positive feedback and to vent.
History:
I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 21 months. I don't think I realized he was alcoholic for the first 6 months, but then it became apparent that something was "off". After dealing for another 6 months, I finally decided his drinking was too much for me. I attended an Al-anon meeting, decided I was never going to be that depressed person who stays with an alcoholic for decades, and told him he could get sober now or I could leave now. He got sober...for a brief period. We now live together, and he has started drinking again.
Recent Past:
Last Sunday, I packed up my essentials and decided to stay with my mom. I told him if he attended an AA meeting we could talk about the possibility of our relationship. For a few days he drank alone, then he called and said he was ready for me to come home (which of course meant going to an AA meeting). He picked one out for today, he sounded excited and positive on the phone last night, I explained the importance and significance of him attending, etc. He wanted me to drive him and I agreed to meet him today.
Present:
He called this morning and said he wanted to pick a different meeting because he wasn't comfortable going to this meeting since he used to attend it and he felt like he failed. I said fine, but that we weren't going to talk about "us" until he went to a meeting. He claimed to have one picked out for this afternoon in a particular area. I know that there are none in that area this afternoon. So...he lied. He roped me in again, if only for 12 hours, and then lied...again.
The Vent:
I am so f***ing mad right now that I let myself believe, even if it was only for 12 hours, that he was serious about getting sober. I am sick of being the inspirational counselor...I WANT TO BE A GIRLFRIEND NOT A THERAPIST. If I wanted to be a therapist I would have majored in it. I can't count the number of times in the last year that he has claimed to want to get sober, promised to attend AA, and ultimately not taken it seriously. The reason I can't count the number is because I don't have enough fingers, toes, or other body parts to do so. It is so frustrating to see someone you care about ruin his life.
My Gut Feeling:
Where to go from here. My gut says to call him on his lie, tell him he can get sober on his own, and to call me in 6 months if he does. I don't know if I can take the jump of telling him to beat it because I still want to see him succeed. What to do?
History:
I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 21 months. I don't think I realized he was alcoholic for the first 6 months, but then it became apparent that something was "off". After dealing for another 6 months, I finally decided his drinking was too much for me. I attended an Al-anon meeting, decided I was never going to be that depressed person who stays with an alcoholic for decades, and told him he could get sober now or I could leave now. He got sober...for a brief period. We now live together, and he has started drinking again.
Recent Past:
Last Sunday, I packed up my essentials and decided to stay with my mom. I told him if he attended an AA meeting we could talk about the possibility of our relationship. For a few days he drank alone, then he called and said he was ready for me to come home (which of course meant going to an AA meeting). He picked one out for today, he sounded excited and positive on the phone last night, I explained the importance and significance of him attending, etc. He wanted me to drive him and I agreed to meet him today.
Present:
He called this morning and said he wanted to pick a different meeting because he wasn't comfortable going to this meeting since he used to attend it and he felt like he failed. I said fine, but that we weren't going to talk about "us" until he went to a meeting. He claimed to have one picked out for this afternoon in a particular area. I know that there are none in that area this afternoon. So...he lied. He roped me in again, if only for 12 hours, and then lied...again.
The Vent:
I am so f***ing mad right now that I let myself believe, even if it was only for 12 hours, that he was serious about getting sober. I am sick of being the inspirational counselor...I WANT TO BE A GIRLFRIEND NOT A THERAPIST. If I wanted to be a therapist I would have majored in it. I can't count the number of times in the last year that he has claimed to want to get sober, promised to attend AA, and ultimately not taken it seriously. The reason I can't count the number is because I don't have enough fingers, toes, or other body parts to do so. It is so frustrating to see someone you care about ruin his life.
My Gut Feeling:
Where to go from here. My gut says to call him on his lie, tell him he can get sober on his own, and to call me in 6 months if he does. I don't know if I can take the jump of telling him to beat it because I still want to see him succeed. What to do?
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Northern NJ
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by golden4life 
\I don't know if I can take the jump of telling him to beat it because I still want to see him succeed.
JO
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome golden4life
You don't have to tell him to "beat it." You can tell him you'd love to have him in your life - sober. He could succeed at that, if he wants to.
Don't beat yourself up for believing the lies. I think the reading "Understanding Ourselves" in Al-Anon really sums that up - we want to believe, we need to believe in the sober periods and promises.
These decisions are tough and I applaud your clear thinking on not want to be one of the depressed ones for decades.
I never wanted to leave either, just in case he got better. So I stayed and he stayed sick - why change?
Glad you're here - look forward to getting to know you.
You don't have to tell him to "beat it." You can tell him you'd love to have him in your life - sober. He could succeed at that, if he wants to.
Don't beat yourself up for believing the lies. I think the reading "Understanding Ourselves" in Al-Anon really sums that up - we want to believe, we need to believe in the sober periods and promises.
These decisions are tough and I applaud your clear thinking on not want to be one of the depressed ones for decades.
I never wanted to leave either, just in case he got better. So I stayed and he stayed sick - why change?
Glad you're here - look forward to getting to know you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: OR
Posts: 32
I appreciate the feedback. I will certainly check out the book "Understanding Ourselves". I just spoke with my ABF on the phone, told him I didn't appreciate being lied to, that it affected my trust in him, to call me after a meeting, and to leave me alone until he goes to one.
I still feel angry about leaving the door open. If I was dating someone who lied to me I would tolerate it once, and then tell him to take a hike. But for some reason, because I know alcoholism is a disease, I have excused the lying. I feel like leaving him the option to call me after a meeting is excusing the lying, yet again. Any thoughts?
I still feel angry about leaving the door open. If I was dating someone who lied to me I would tolerate it once, and then tell him to take a hike. But for some reason, because I know alcoholism is a disease, I have excused the lying. I feel like leaving him the option to call me after a meeting is excusing the lying, yet again. Any thoughts?
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Golden, if you do tell him to get lost and call you if he gets sober, expect a lot of emotional blackmail.
In my experience he doesn't sound even slightly interested in recovery, just in keeping you around. It's hard to tell from way out here, but that's my gut feeling, just in case you wanted a second opinion.
Strength.
In my experience he doesn't sound even slightly interested in recovery, just in keeping you around. It's hard to tell from way out here, but that's my gut feeling, just in case you wanted a second opinion.
Strength.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by golden4life
I appreciate the feedback. I will certainly check out the book "Understanding Ourselves". I just spoke with my ABF on the phone, told him I didn't appreciate being lied to, that it affected my trust in him, to call me after a meeting, and to leave me alone until he goes to one.
I still feel angry about leaving the door open. If I was dating someone who lied to me I would tolerate it once, and then tell him to take a hike. But for some reason, because I know alcoholism is a disease, I have excused the lying. I feel like leaving him the option to call me after a meeting is excusing the lying, yet again. Any thoughts?
I still feel angry about leaving the door open. If I was dating someone who lied to me I would tolerate it once, and then tell him to take a hike. But for some reason, because I know alcoholism is a disease, I have excused the lying. I feel like leaving him the option to call me after a meeting is excusing the lying, yet again. Any thoughts?
Welcome to SR. Sorry you have to come here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome. We're glad you found us, even though your current circumstances aren't good. You will receive support here. Yep, they lie. Not only to themselves but to you and anybody who happens to get in the way of their addiction. I've heard more b.s. than I ever thought I could hear from any human being when my soon-to-be former AH opened his mouth. I told several of his addictions counselors that he was blowing smoke up their wazoos and I was right.
You can give him an ultimatum and he may accept it, but don't bet the farm on it. I told my AH I would come back if he agreed to work a program, get a sponsor, and maintain sobriety. However, I told him I would stay away for a year before I returned. He turned down my offer so all bets are off the table. The bottle usually wins out, particularly the farther they fall into the addiction.
It is a tragedy, but one you can do nothing about. He has to sincerely want sobriety for himself.
You can give him an ultimatum and he may accept it, but don't bet the farm on it. I told my AH I would come back if he agreed to work a program, get a sponsor, and maintain sobriety. However, I told him I would stay away for a year before I returned. He turned down my offer so all bets are off the table. The bottle usually wins out, particularly the farther they fall into the addiction.
It is a tragedy, but one you can do nothing about. He has to sincerely want sobriety for himself.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: somewhere, some state
Posts: 48
golden, I'm in the same boat with you, in a way.
I also didn't realize my bf was an alcoholic until about 6 months of dating. We met at a party, partied through the summer, but when fall classes came, he just stopped going...then the downward slide began. He was a great guy, sweet, caring....so I find myself staying.
After the first year I went to a few counseling sessions...they helped some (as in I can't control or change him, etc). I've been with him 2 1/2 years...we were engaged until recently. I can completely understand about not wanting to be his therapist, and being fed up with the lies, and plain not knowing what to do.
I would say don't give ultimatums unless you're going to go through with it. I've given mine the same "get help, or I'm leaving" speeches, and well, neither of us would follow through.
Just act on your own...you said you've gone to al-anon, that's great, keep doing things for _you_. Don't wait for him to improve, just start on yourself. As some of the other posters have said, he will be the one to decide when he is serious about getting sober.
You want to offer him support, but you're afraid it will "leave the door open"...I can also understand that. It seems I've dropped friends for less than what I'm going through now. I think you can be a friend, and offer support and love, from a distance. Frankly, the distancing will also help. If you need any words of support, this board is great...it's already helping me a lot.
I also didn't realize my bf was an alcoholic until about 6 months of dating. We met at a party, partied through the summer, but when fall classes came, he just stopped going...then the downward slide began. He was a great guy, sweet, caring....so I find myself staying.
After the first year I went to a few counseling sessions...they helped some (as in I can't control or change him, etc). I've been with him 2 1/2 years...we were engaged until recently. I can completely understand about not wanting to be his therapist, and being fed up with the lies, and plain not knowing what to do.
I would say don't give ultimatums unless you're going to go through with it. I've given mine the same "get help, or I'm leaving" speeches, and well, neither of us would follow through.
Just act on your own...you said you've gone to al-anon, that's great, keep doing things for _you_. Don't wait for him to improve, just start on yourself. As some of the other posters have said, he will be the one to decide when he is serious about getting sober.
You want to offer him support, but you're afraid it will "leave the door open"...I can also understand that. It seems I've dropped friends for less than what I'm going through now. I think you can be a friend, and offer support and love, from a distance. Frankly, the distancing will also help. If you need any words of support, this board is great...it's already helping me a lot.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Originally Posted by golden4life
If I was dating someone who lied to me I would tolerate it once, and then tell him to take a hike. But for some reason, because I know alcoholism is a disease, I have excused the lying.
The big question you should be asking yourself is why do you tolerate a partner that lies to you, manipulates you, and loves alcohol more than you?
One Alanon meeting is not enough. You need more help and support than that. You may want to consider finding a meeting you like and attending it regularly.
Welcome to the forum.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
One AA meeting isn't going to change him. 6 months of sobriety or meetings isn't going to change him either. Alcoholism never ever goes away. His choices are be a drunk, a dry drunk, or in recovery. You don't want anything to do with the first two, believe me. Recovery, the only viable option for a mature adult relationship, takes months and years of effort on his part - not yours. Nothing you do will further his recovery, except to stay away until he's seriously working at it. That's the best support and love you can give him at this stage - keeping your distance. So long as you leave doors open for him, he'll keep using them! without holding up his end of the bargain.
Tell him he can call you after a year of sobriety. Not in a year, not after a year of meetings, but a full year of sobriety and recovery. Otherwise you're just going to be on the same merry go round as you're on now.
All alcoholics lie. It's the disease. Dont' make excuses for him. He doesn't have to succumb to the disease if he truly doesn't want to. But so long as you leave doors open for him and make excuses for him, there's no reason for him to change.
My ex was supposedly attending meetings several times a week, as a condition of my staying, but he'd come home drunk. Then during one of his frequent disappearances, I called his sponsor trying to locate him, and his sponsor said my ex hadn't been to a meeting in months. And every time he disappeard and was picked up by emergency personnel, he'd swear to me it was the last time and he'd never ever do that to me again, he just could not put me through him killing himself - but he'd keep doing it. Up until I moved out on him, he hasn't pulled a suicide attempt or a disappearance since.
Tell him he can call you after a year of sobriety. Not in a year, not after a year of meetings, but a full year of sobriety and recovery. Otherwise you're just going to be on the same merry go round as you're on now.
All alcoholics lie. It's the disease. Dont' make excuses for him. He doesn't have to succumb to the disease if he truly doesn't want to. But so long as you leave doors open for him and make excuses for him, there's no reason for him to change.
My ex was supposedly attending meetings several times a week, as a condition of my staying, but he'd come home drunk. Then during one of his frequent disappearances, I called his sponsor trying to locate him, and his sponsor said my ex hadn't been to a meeting in months. And every time he disappeard and was picked up by emergency personnel, he'd swear to me it was the last time and he'd never ever do that to me again, he just could not put me through him killing himself - but he'd keep doing it. Up until I moved out on him, he hasn't pulled a suicide attempt or a disappearance since.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: OR
Posts: 32
Well, he called again wanting me to come home, said he was feeling really sick and couldn't go to AA today, but swears he'll go to AA tomorrow. I told him I would come over tomorrow after he goes to AA. He said it wasn't fair that I wouldn't come over when he clearly wants to go to AA, but can't because he's sick. I reminded him that he wasn't sick yesterday, or the day before, or the day before, etc. He could have gone then, but chose not to, and that our agreement was simple...AFTER he goes to a meeting, we can discuss our relationship.
Amazing how he can find the strength and time to go to the video store, fast food drive through, and quite possible the liquor store, but he is just way too sick to sit still in a meeting for 1 hour.
I'm really glad I found this forum. Its great just to get it all out in writing. When I read the various posts, including my own, it becomes crystal clear just how INSANE/WEIRD/UNREASONABLE it is to bend over backwards for an alcoholic who won't work at his sobriety.
Amazing how he can find the strength and time to go to the video store, fast food drive through, and quite possible the liquor store, but he is just way too sick to sit still in a meeting for 1 hour.
I'm really glad I found this forum. Its great just to get it all out in writing. When I read the various posts, including my own, it becomes crystal clear just how INSANE/WEIRD/UNREASONABLE it is to bend over backwards for an alcoholic who won't work at his sobriety.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Saying you would like him in your life sober doesn't mean you put yourself on ice in the meantime; you go out and live your life. Over time, I came to realize my needs changed, including the people I wanted in it. The important thing is doing what is comfortable for you; so if, as you said in your first post, you don't feel ready to say "beat it," say what you are ready to say and get busy seeking your own recovery.
It's so true - seeing the insanity in black and white helped me enormously.
Take care.
It's so true - seeing the insanity in black and white helped me enormously.
Take care.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by golden4life
I attended an Al-anon meeting, decided I was never going to be that depressed person who stays with an alcoholic for decades
See how easy it was to get sucked into this relationship? You say you knew at 6 months. Here it is at 21 months, and you're still hanging in there. You should try to re-evaluate the plans you have for YOUR life. Because before you know it, you will be that depressed person who stayed with an alcoholic for decades.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: OR
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Everyone on this forum has been great. I got the re-inforcement I needed to hear today. I'm going to bed, knowing I stuck to MY plan and I feel surprisingly content. Hope to continue communicating with you all tomorrow and in the future.
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