AH stopped drinking - he's now a dry drunk
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
AH stopped drinking - he's now a dry drunk
AH has now stopped drinking - without help.
But things have not changed: emotionally, mood, coldness etc.
He has all the emotional abusive except no alcohol in his system.
Now what? He still will not go to AA or counseling. I have found myself walking on egg shells again.
He won't talk, said he's to old to make changes.
The lack of physical and verbal contact has my mind & body drained, aching. He's now mad at me, again, that I have not came home yet, I've tried staying at home for a few days but the lack of contact: physically and verbally, sends me running back to my apartment. (physical contact I don't mean sexual)
When I ask for a hug or kiss it's like hugging and kissing a friend, not even close to hugging and kissing a sibling or parent. He does not say he loves me unless I tell him first.
I was told he is now into a "Dry Drunk" and without counseling to change his behaviors he won't change from that - I believe he really doesn't know his own behaviors/feelings etc. Still:: when I do anything "I'm wrong", When I don't do something "I'm wrong". He's this way with our daughter, son-in-law and granddaughters. He's mad at people at work - because they "don't do something", "don't do anything right" on & on.
I have gone through two drunk periods of this man's life, supported him, cared for him: physically and emotionally. Do I now have to sit around waiting for him emotionally - What's next in our lives ?
I can see where spouses go out and have affairs - just for the physical & emotion connection to someone. Well after 38 years of marriage I about ready to do this. I'm about ready to screem my head off. I have tried to talk to him - received closed silence.
What is his problem? When does this all stop?
Thanks
But things have not changed: emotionally, mood, coldness etc.
He has all the emotional abusive except no alcohol in his system.
Now what? He still will not go to AA or counseling. I have found myself walking on egg shells again.
He won't talk, said he's to old to make changes.
The lack of physical and verbal contact has my mind & body drained, aching. He's now mad at me, again, that I have not came home yet, I've tried staying at home for a few days but the lack of contact: physically and verbally, sends me running back to my apartment. (physical contact I don't mean sexual)
When I ask for a hug or kiss it's like hugging and kissing a friend, not even close to hugging and kissing a sibling or parent. He does not say he loves me unless I tell him first.
I was told he is now into a "Dry Drunk" and without counseling to change his behaviors he won't change from that - I believe he really doesn't know his own behaviors/feelings etc. Still:: when I do anything "I'm wrong", When I don't do something "I'm wrong". He's this way with our daughter, son-in-law and granddaughters. He's mad at people at work - because they "don't do something", "don't do anything right" on & on.
I have gone through two drunk periods of this man's life, supported him, cared for him: physically and emotionally. Do I now have to sit around waiting for him emotionally - What's next in our lives ?
I can see where spouses go out and have affairs - just for the physical & emotion connection to someone. Well after 38 years of marriage I about ready to do this. I'm about ready to screem my head off. I have tried to talk to him - received closed silence.
What is his problem? When does this all stop?
Thanks
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
It stops when he is ready to stop it.
The steps that are used in AA help us see the whole picture of who we are and help us change in areas that we may not have know we needed change in.
I found the steps by reading the bible. AA has 12 steps that are neatly placed in a row and work when we work them. I came to an understanding of what the bible showed me of myself and the 12 steps run about the same...just more found in the bible. No matter where he finds the info that can help him find change...till he is ready and willing...he won't change.
Keep working your recovery and keep holding your boundries so your space stays at peace. He can catch up or he can remain making himself miserable.
It came a time that I was tired of living with myself when I started to change.
I was so miserable I didn't even want to live with me but had no choice.
The steps that are used in AA help us see the whole picture of who we are and help us change in areas that we may not have know we needed change in.
I found the steps by reading the bible. AA has 12 steps that are neatly placed in a row and work when we work them. I came to an understanding of what the bible showed me of myself and the 12 steps run about the same...just more found in the bible. No matter where he finds the info that can help him find change...till he is ready and willing...he won't change.
Keep working your recovery and keep holding your boundries so your space stays at peace. He can catch up or he can remain making himself miserable.
It came a time that I was tired of living with myself when I started to change.
I was so miserable I didn't even want to live with me but had no choice.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
he is sober....that is a beginning for him. with sobriety, things don't just all of a sudden become neat, tidy, and clean. it takes so much work on his part....and yours, too.
but, please don't worry bout his part.....work on your own recovery.
god bless
jeri
but, please don't worry bout his part.....work on your own recovery.
god bless
jeri
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think most of us just pray for the day they stop drinking. We don't have the time of energy to think beyond that. I have a feeling he is as defeated as you are. I'm wondering if it would be a better idea to get an appt with a medical doctor. Most people don't want to go to a councelor. They have less anxiety going to a medical doctor. He may have depression. I would make a very matter of fact approach by saying , "You've quit drinking, your body is making some chemical adjustments, Maybe you need some medication". I believe that may be true. If he needs an antidepressant, and gets one, maybe his attitude will change and he would be more receptive to counceling, especailly if he starts to feels better. I think it's easier to get a loved one to the doctor than it is to get them to a "shrink". They don't want to sit and here about what's wroing with them. They take it personally. Even though he is falling way short, it may be the best he can do right now. It is easier to face a fixable chemical imbalance than a walk through the cob webs of his mind.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Hi,bottles were only a symbol.Im thinking here .You and your man have been married for 38 years,making you and him one of the ole crowd.Not old crowd,ole....smile..ya aint old yet.}Way back when men,did not show affection.They were considered wassy,s,remember?Men did not cry,or if they did they certainally did not show another human being that they did cry,for the stigma that was attached,back then,was hard to bear.Todays men,do show affection.They have by societys,standards,been accepted,and encouraged, thats yes its ok to cry,its ok,to show affections,go for it.But that certainally was not like this 38 years ago.And some men show in actions that they care,not by hugs,kisses,although that would be nice.But they show it in other ways.
The man may never be all that you want.Can you accept him for who is,today?I know its hard when they point fingers at ya,telling you everything that you do or say is wrong,been there.But through my own recovery,my changed attitude helped to change the atmosphere.I dont take seriously today what a hurting inside person says to me.I know that it has to do with their side of the street,and not mine.
Healing takes time.Your recovery and healing is an inside job,as well as it is for me to.No matter what i want others to do,i know that i am powerless to change them.They must have that desire within themselves to change,and make changes.Until then,keep on keeping on with your recovery!!!No matter what.
My prayers are with you both,
God Bless.
The man may never be all that you want.Can you accept him for who is,today?I know its hard when they point fingers at ya,telling you everything that you do or say is wrong,been there.But through my own recovery,my changed attitude helped to change the atmosphere.I dont take seriously today what a hurting inside person says to me.I know that it has to do with their side of the street,and not mine.
Healing takes time.Your recovery and healing is an inside job,as well as it is for me to.No matter what i want others to do,i know that i am powerless to change them.They must have that desire within themselves to change,and make changes.Until then,keep on keeping on with your recovery!!!No matter what.
My prayers are with you both,
God Bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
Thank you for responding to my post
I took my AH to his medical doctor 2 months ago for a complete physical, he received antidepressants - started taking them the first day.
My AH & I have been through a lot in 38 (1969) years, in 1992 he stopped drinking and went to inpatient treatment for 6 weeks - voluntary. He did not follow up with AA or aftercare - we went on with our lives.
He is aware of his red flags & what he needed to do to avoid them, he knows what to do now - 12 steps. He has not made any attempt to look at any of his books. In 2004 he said he started drinking again after I had 3 mini strokes - said he did not know how to handle my stokes - how dare he. I left him 6-2005, he was so mad that I dared to pack up and move out - he still holds resentments. I’ve tried to explain to him that I just could not go through what I went through for the 1st 25 years of marriage. His response: “Bull S___”.
He has been sober now, maybe two + months. He has almost totally shut down with me. I’m at a loss on what to do - he is the type that won’t give if one has really made him mad. So my fear is still saying something wrong. There is a lot I want to say - noting negative just my feelings and fears but I can’t bring myself to say them to him.
This is all so different this time - maybe it’s the end for us. I have thought about this too, but he is all I know and I really do love him. He’s 56 and I’m 54, his great-grandparents and my great- grandparents,
his grandparents and my grandparents were best friends - he and I were the 1st to join the two families. So we do have a long history.
I keep trying to find answers and solutions that he and I have to work on. But he is so use to my old ways, jumping & running for him & everyone else, that I don’t believe he’s able to deal with me now. Maybe there is just too much garbage to go through.
One more thing, I feel so guilty for not going to church today - I was just mad at GOD and AH. Maybe I’m just mad at myself for not standing up to AH and getting things off my chest - but the fear won out. Still co-dependent !!!!!!!!!
Again, Thanks for listen. I just needed to vent.
I took my AH to his medical doctor 2 months ago for a complete physical, he received antidepressants - started taking them the first day.
My AH & I have been through a lot in 38 (1969) years, in 1992 he stopped drinking and went to inpatient treatment for 6 weeks - voluntary. He did not follow up with AA or aftercare - we went on with our lives.
He is aware of his red flags & what he needed to do to avoid them, he knows what to do now - 12 steps. He has not made any attempt to look at any of his books. In 2004 he said he started drinking again after I had 3 mini strokes - said he did not know how to handle my stokes - how dare he. I left him 6-2005, he was so mad that I dared to pack up and move out - he still holds resentments. I’ve tried to explain to him that I just could not go through what I went through for the 1st 25 years of marriage. His response: “Bull S___”.
He has been sober now, maybe two + months. He has almost totally shut down with me. I’m at a loss on what to do - he is the type that won’t give if one has really made him mad. So my fear is still saying something wrong. There is a lot I want to say - noting negative just my feelings and fears but I can’t bring myself to say them to him.
This is all so different this time - maybe it’s the end for us. I have thought about this too, but he is all I know and I really do love him. He’s 56 and I’m 54, his great-grandparents and my great- grandparents,
his grandparents and my grandparents were best friends - he and I were the 1st to join the two families. So we do have a long history.
I keep trying to find answers and solutions that he and I have to work on. But he is so use to my old ways, jumping & running for him & everyone else, that I don’t believe he’s able to deal with me now. Maybe there is just too much garbage to go through.
One more thing, I feel so guilty for not going to church today - I was just mad at GOD and AH. Maybe I’m just mad at myself for not standing up to AH and getting things off my chest - but the fear won out. Still co-dependent !!!!!!!!!
Again, Thanks for listen. I just needed to vent.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
The man can't handle your mini strokes; he says ******** when you express your feelings; he doesn't give if someone has really made him mad; you fear speaking your truth around him. What is it you love about him?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Small Town USA
Posts: 2
“”What is it you love about him?””
That was crude, putting our thought process down is a way to make decisions. Getting positive feed back is another. I for one will be careful what I say now.
Long history, Long marriage. There had to many great times too and I for one could read the struggle you are going though.
Some decisions are more major than others, many many factors are involved .
Keep posting.
That was crude, putting our thought process down is a way to make decisions. Getting positive feed back is another. I for one will be careful what I say now.
Long history, Long marriage. There had to many great times too and I for one could read the struggle you are going though.
Some decisions are more major than others, many many factors are involved .
Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by MadeMyChoice
I for one will be careful what I say now.
It's a question I asked myself when I found myself saying over and over, but I love him. Of course there were good times, I was married myself for 15 years. One has nothing to do with the other.
Another thing I learned about myself is when I was tempted to reply to someone with a criticism I needed to take a good look at myself.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 28
I have to agree with Denny, here --- "what do you love about him?" is a valid question, and one worth answering.
Perhaps an honest answer to the question would help make the decision whether to stay or go....
Perhaps an honest answer to the question would help make the decision whether to stay or go....
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: mpl,mn
Posts: 43
My husband was a dry drunk for 18 yrs, refused all counseling, said he could do it himself. Seven yrs ago he started drinking again, last week paramedics took him to hospital he had a .3 something bac. he is now in treatment and then has to go to soberhouse for 6 months while there has to attend meetings several times a week. He wants a divorce, blames me for everything, I am now stuck with trying to figure out all the bills and save our house, I am glad he is getting help but I am overwhelmed. Please try to get your husband to get help, I thought mine would never drink again I was so so wrong,
womanlyartsgoddess
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
They're always such a victim!
Sherella,
Boy does this sound familiar. My guy seems to want to explain his behavior away by making it MY fault. It's as if he has to be a victim to avoid confronting the monster he's become. I guess it's easier to face his unacceptable behavior by having the attitude of a victim. This whole "you shouldn't push my buttons, it's your fault" attitude seems to be typical of our men.
Earlier this week, my guy tried to committ suicide. I was so upset with a huge range of emotions from; thinking it was my fault and I drove him to it, to thinking this was his only way to cry for help, to thinking that he was doing this to be manipulative so I'd feel sorry for him after a horrible thing he'd done. This was immediately after I confronted him on some seriously unacceptable behavior he had done earlier and had shown no remorse for. He kicked me and my 23-month-old daughter (along with the carseat I took) out f his truck and left us at a minimall in which there was a dollar store. Not only that, he preceeded to throw he diaper bag and blanket into the store in a fit of rage. Then he circled back with his truck and threw the 2nd carseat onto the sidewalk in front of dozens of people. This is clearly a serious anger problem and infantile behavior!!!!! The thing that blew me away even moreso was that he didn't call me at all that day to see if we were ok and when he did the next day it was to complain about me "demonizing" him when I told my mother what he had done (maybe I shouldn't have, but how else was I going to get someone to drop what they were doing so that they knew I was having an emergency. And besides I was so upset at him, I really didn't care about covering up his childish and abusive behavior).
The crazy thing is that I've heard his parents blame me for his unhappiness. Yea, I wonder where he got this whole attitude that I'm responsible for his happiness even when he's making himself miserable!!! It's so unhealthy to blame someone for your own sickness. I mean don't get me wrong. I believe people in love have the ability to add to or detract from the other person's happiness. We should want to do nice things for our spouses and go out of our way to do hurtful things. But if you rely on the other person to fulfill your happiness, they are bound to fail because they're human.
It sounds like this guy of yours has been blaming you for his unhappiness because he has an unhealthy attitude that if he's not happy it's your fault. Seems like that's my guy's problem too. Now if we could just know what to do about all this.
Originally Posted by Sherella 
last week paramedics took him to hospital he had a .3 something bac. he is now in treatment and then has to go to soberhouse for 6 months while there has to attend meetings several times a week. He wants a divorce, blames me for everything.
Earlier this week, my guy tried to committ suicide. I was so upset with a huge range of emotions from; thinking it was my fault and I drove him to it, to thinking this was his only way to cry for help, to thinking that he was doing this to be manipulative so I'd feel sorry for him after a horrible thing he'd done. This was immediately after I confronted him on some seriously unacceptable behavior he had done earlier and had shown no remorse for. He kicked me and my 23-month-old daughter (along with the carseat I took) out f his truck and left us at a minimall in which there was a dollar store. Not only that, he preceeded to throw he diaper bag and blanket into the store in a fit of rage. Then he circled back with his truck and threw the 2nd carseat onto the sidewalk in front of dozens of people. This is clearly a serious anger problem and infantile behavior!!!!! The thing that blew me away even moreso was that he didn't call me at all that day to see if we were ok and when he did the next day it was to complain about me "demonizing" him when I told my mother what he had done (maybe I shouldn't have, but how else was I going to get someone to drop what they were doing so that they knew I was having an emergency. And besides I was so upset at him, I really didn't care about covering up his childish and abusive behavior).
The crazy thing is that I've heard his parents blame me for his unhappiness. Yea, I wonder where he got this whole attitude that I'm responsible for his happiness even when he's making himself miserable!!! It's so unhealthy to blame someone for your own sickness. I mean don't get me wrong. I believe people in love have the ability to add to or detract from the other person's happiness. We should want to do nice things for our spouses and go out of our way to do hurtful things. But if you rely on the other person to fulfill your happiness, they are bound to fail because they're human.
It sounds like this guy of yours has been blaming you for his unhappiness because he has an unhealthy attitude that if he's not happy it's your fault. Seems like that's my guy's problem too. Now if we could just know what to do about all this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Yup, I too am with Denny. I found it really, really easy to say those infamous words, "but I love him." When I stopped, I mean really stopped, to look at what exactly I had to love, I found it really wasn't very much at all. I could say that I loved him, but I didn't. I loved what I hoped and wished and prayed we were. But we weren't. Yes, maybe that seems harsh to hear, but I deceived myself long enough to know that I needed to be knocked into reality.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
