Missy

AH couldnt find a shoe yesterday and hit me from behind along side my head.
Man that hurt. I was furious.

I left immediately, called him and said he is to "get out" . If I came home and he was there, I'd call the police.
Well needless to say he was out when I got home only to call later on begging and crying to come back. Said he has no friends and family is mad at him because of "ME' and what I do to make him drink. (go figure)

I told him he can come and sleep but will get no reaction from me and my decission sticks like glue and I'm as serious as a heart attack....

Now what do I do? we both went to work today... I havent heard from him all day and he usually calls about some crappy stuff every other day.

I need strength to stick to what I say and somehow keep him away from me.
Sober or not...
I'm at loss for what the next move is.. I dont want a divorce but I dont want to keep enabling him either.
I told him I wont live with the disease of alcholism any more....
I am afraid I will get weak and bla, bla,bla,bla

I know a lot of you were at this point and I need pointers before I go home from work......

missy xo

denny57

Why don't you want a divorce? What does him hitting you upside the head have to do with enabling? Why do you want to live with someone you want to "keep away from you?"

I apologize for the questions, but I'm not sure of the background.

Last August, you wrote this:

Have you determined that yet?

laurie6781

Missy, that is just not acceptable behavior and can escalate at the snap of your fingers.

There are shelters in Milwaukee that he can go to if he has also alienated his friends. There are I believe a minimum of 2 and possibly 3 rescue missions and the Salvation Army.

Maybe it's time he start paying the price (the consequences) for his actions.

I too am with Denny, why do you not want to divorce a man who has 'hit you upside the head'?

He will use and is probably using every manipulation trick he can to stay where it is nice and warm and he has you to blame, etc. Remember every time he opens his mouth, all he is doing is QUACKING. If need be, visualize a big white duck with an orange beak every time he speaks. This will help you stick to your boundaries.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

care4uNJ

Not want a divorce?? So.... I guess you need to ask yourself WHY??? What does he bring to the table that justifies that sort of bad behavior? And at what point is your limit when you will send him packing. Empathy and compassionate can be very dangerous things (especially for you)!!!

Jo

Missy

to be honest...... if we are not around each other, al-anon teaches never to give up hope... so in time if he does sober up, things just may work out.

he did just call me and says he didnt do anything to me...
he is lying or has had a horrible blackout.

I dont care... it just made me more angry and I will again today ask him to leave..
This is my 2nd AH and the first time I lost it all and left... I guess I dont want to be the one to leave. Just need to get him out and get that key from him

I'll have to work on that in the next few hours.
You guys are so right and if the tables were turned, I'd be going "da" myself..
missy xo

queenteree

(((Missy)))
Laurie and everyone else is right, it can escalate. I live in NY, and the way it works here is I would have two options 1) leave the house instead of him and stay with a friend or someone until you can 2) get an order of protection in family court against him. I think all states have similar deals, but if he hit you, I am sure you will get a temporary order of protection and the judge may order him to leave the home. It is worth a shot. You have to be strong (and you are strong since you are living with an A - we sometimes don't give ourselves enough credit) and not cave to his crying, begging and manipulating. As for his family being mad that you make him drink, is that what he's telling you? As we all know, A's have their own interpretations of things. He probably has no friends and his family doesn't want to be around him because of his drinking and their wise to his excuses. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions - he hit you, do what you must to protect you even if it's filing for an order of protection.

Live2Ride

I agree with Laurie and know first hand how it escalates. First a push, then a punch and right before Christmas, my addicted husband pulled a knife on me. Please take the advice and understand the danger you are potentially facing.

LaTeeDa

There is a big difference between never giving up hope, and living with someone who abuses you. You do not have to live in the same house to have hope.

Just my two cents,

L

Live2Ride

Missy:

Getting angry for me was the first step in getting better. Just hang in there and stick to your guns. It hurt so bad at first when I got a restraining order against my husband, and there were times that I wanted to drop it and let him come back home but now I am feeling really good about being alone (with the kids) and experiencing peace for the first time in a long time.

Missy

except he swears up and down he didnt do anything wrong.... how does that hold up with his word against mine????

I could just puke!!

HolyQow

That's all a restraining order is based on, your word against his.....it's a definate no if you don't file one. It's a 50/50 chance that he will be removed from the home if you do file one.

Waiting for his key? Here is the obvious answer, change the locks.

Stand up for yourself....

CatsTail

Missy, he is full of crap, he knows what he did and he'll do it again. And more the next time.

With me it started out with my ex calling me a B#$%h over nothing and then it was slowly escalating to verbally abusive outburts which was where I left.

Ask yourself why you still have hope it will get better, alcohol or no he will hit you again.

Cat

Missy

Does it cost for a restraining order. Where do you go for that...
that may be my solution for now.

elizabeth1979

They are free in most jurisdictions. Check with your county courts for the protocol.
http://www.county.milwaukee.gov/router.asp?docid=7714

In some states you have to request it from a judge if no charges have been brought yet against the abuser.
I would be getting one if I were you.
Ive been there. Its not any easier the next time around Missy...
Take care,

mallowcup

This may not be popular but...I would tell him he has a right to live in his own house, he des not have a right to put his hands on you. He can address his drinking or he can keep drinking. You will not even consider a life with him while he is drinking. If he ever puts a hand on you again or his drinking creates a problem for you, he will not only leave, he will sign all assets over to you and you will call the police and press charges. That's the line, take it or leave it. I would call an attorney to have that agreement drawn up. He can sign it or leave.

WantsOut

Miss, the guy hits you cause he can't find his effin shoe? This is a dangerous person, Miss. I know you think that's melodramatic and I "dont' really know him" but you need to get this one message: a man who hits is a man you must get away from.

What if you actually did something - what if you spent too much money or crashed the car? What would he do to you then? Want to wait and find out?

Mr. Christian

Now wait a tick...
Alanon teaches you not to give up on yourself. Not the drunk abuser.
Call the cops, file charges.

What do you need , someone to come up and hit you along side your head?!?

Oh wait,,,, that's right,,,, that already happened....

best

If I ever hit my wife...I would throw myself out to the curb so she wouldn't have to.

Physical abuse "Progresses"

How long will you remain lucky enough before you get seriously hurt or even killed?

ICU

Al-Anon is good for drinking issues, but in my opinion, can easily become confusing when dealing with domestic violence (dv) issues on top of that. (well, at least I found it to be confusing). It is dangerous to cling to hope that things will get better with DV issues. He crossed the line once already...it will become easier (for him) each time he decides to take that route. DV, like alcoholism, is also progressive.

I could never tell if my ex was lying or in a blackout when he attacked me. I spent so much time trying to figure that out. What a waste because it really didn't matter. What DID matter is that he assaulted me....period! That was what needed to be addressed.

Just my opinion based on my experiences.

denny57

I think he gave up the right to live in "his" house when he physically assaulted the other person living there.

Take care, Missy. Who cares if he denies it? You know what happened. That's the truth that matters.