So he hit me along side my head???
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Missy - He HIT you!!!!!!!!!!!
It doesn't matter to me if it were light, hard, or whatever - the FACT is that he HIT you!
Believe me, I know all about justifying it for the A, and I know how I felt that it must have been somehow my own fault, or that he really didn't mean too, or that maybe I really was making too big of a deal out of it, etc etc etc..........heck, I could justify it all and be as de-sensitized to it as the A is!!!!
As far as the hope thing................let me tell you what I've come to understand about "My Hope And The A". I can always hope that he's going to get better..........BUT......I WON'T live on that hope, I won't rely on that hope, and I sure as heck am not going to bank any of my life on that hope! Why? Because it's really just not a logical idea. And actions tell me that when I tend to want to forget.
There is a difference - I can HAVE hope. But that doesn't mean I'm going to live on hope.
I know you don't want to leave him, I can hear it in your post. It sounds to me too like you really don't even feel you need the restraining order. And ya know, I've been there too.
But he can't even remember doing it?
OR
maybe he's just not fessing up to it!!!
Alcoholics LIE!!!!
You know - no one can really tell you what to do. Even if someone did, it's always YOUR CHOICE as to what you do.
But I will tell you that everyone here is concerned for your safety, even if you aren't. Because we know that violence (as well as alcoholism) does progress.
I hope that you will really stop and think about what you see in this man that keeps you staying. Don't look at the past and "how good it used to be" and don't look at the "potential" or the "dreams we could have". Each of those represent the past and future -------- stop and look at the present. And tell me if this is the way you really want to spend the rest of your life - or if you want to stay and have it get worse? Will your hope then get you through the hard nights?
Believe me girl, I understand. I just want you to see it for how it is. It is abuse, even if you don't want to really admit that!!!!! And he's denying it happened!
(Ya know, most murders deny that they kill people, people lie about molesting children, theives lie about stealing - etc etc etc - some people LIE!)
TAKE CARE OF YOU
It doesn't matter to me if it were light, hard, or whatever - the FACT is that he HIT you!
Believe me, I know all about justifying it for the A, and I know how I felt that it must have been somehow my own fault, or that he really didn't mean too, or that maybe I really was making too big of a deal out of it, etc etc etc..........heck, I could justify it all and be as de-sensitized to it as the A is!!!!
As far as the hope thing................let me tell you what I've come to understand about "My Hope And The A". I can always hope that he's going to get better..........BUT......I WON'T live on that hope, I won't rely on that hope, and I sure as heck am not going to bank any of my life on that hope! Why? Because it's really just not a logical idea. And actions tell me that when I tend to want to forget.
There is a difference - I can HAVE hope. But that doesn't mean I'm going to live on hope.
I know you don't want to leave him, I can hear it in your post. It sounds to me too like you really don't even feel you need the restraining order. And ya know, I've been there too.
But he can't even remember doing it?
OR
maybe he's just not fessing up to it!!!
Alcoholics LIE!!!!
You know - no one can really tell you what to do. Even if someone did, it's always YOUR CHOICE as to what you do.
But I will tell you that everyone here is concerned for your safety, even if you aren't. Because we know that violence (as well as alcoholism) does progress.
I hope that you will really stop and think about what you see in this man that keeps you staying. Don't look at the past and "how good it used to be" and don't look at the "potential" or the "dreams we could have". Each of those represent the past and future -------- stop and look at the present. And tell me if this is the way you really want to spend the rest of your life - or if you want to stay and have it get worse? Will your hope then get you through the hard nights?
Believe me girl, I understand. I just want you to see it for how it is. It is abuse, even if you don't want to really admit that!!!!! And he's denying it happened!
(Ya know, most murders deny that they kill people, people lie about molesting children, theives lie about stealing - etc etc etc - some people LIE!)
TAKE CARE OF YOU
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Missy, I'm terribly sorry you're going thru this. I can't imagine how confused you must feel. We've gathered up the best posts on the subject into a sticky post here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Please take a minute to read over some of those posts. There's a lot of information in there that I think will help you get a better understanding of what's going on.
Mike
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Please take a minute to read over some of those posts. There's a lot of information in there that I think will help you get a better understanding of what's going on.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Now he has hit you once the chances are he will do it again. Would he have hit a man his own size? No, self preservation would have stopped him no matter how angry he was about the damn shoe. A man hitting a woman is in-excusasble.
Remember that and get some anger in your belly.
Just my 2c as an ex-alkie (hopefully) and a man.
(((missy)))
Remember that and get some anger in your belly.
Just my 2c as an ex-alkie (hopefully) and a man.
(((missy)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
missy....i'm sorry you are going through this.
you have two issues with him....one is that he is an alcoholic, and the second is that he is abusive.
from reading your post, it has the flavor of downplaying when he hit you in the side of the head. living within an abusive relationship, i came to accept actions like this because it wasn't near as bad as it could have gotten.
and i think you will know exactly what i meant in that last paragraph that i wrote.
it progresses, missy. the abuse. you deserve so much better. love your self enough to take care of you, sweetie. no one deserves to be abused in any way.
once i wrapped my brain around this, it was amazing how huge my heart became for myself.
i hope you will take care of yourself and become to understand that this action of his was not acceptable. in my marriage i had to learn to understand that it was not acceptable for me to accept this behavior. so yes, he did the action.....but i had a part in it also. if i accepted this behavior, i was telling him it is ok to abuse me.
much love to you
jeri
you have two issues with him....one is that he is an alcoholic, and the second is that he is abusive.
from reading your post, it has the flavor of downplaying when he hit you in the side of the head. living within an abusive relationship, i came to accept actions like this because it wasn't near as bad as it could have gotten.
and i think you will know exactly what i meant in that last paragraph that i wrote.
it progresses, missy. the abuse. you deserve so much better. love your self enough to take care of you, sweetie. no one deserves to be abused in any way.
once i wrapped my brain around this, it was amazing how huge my heart became for myself.
i hope you will take care of yourself and become to understand that this action of his was not acceptable. in my marriage i had to learn to understand that it was not acceptable for me to accept this behavior. so yes, he did the action.....but i had a part in it also. if i accepted this behavior, i was telling him it is ok to abuse me.
much love to you
jeri
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
It just hit me how concerned my friends here are....
I again spendt some hours at my sis house last night... I went to Yoga and when I came home I was hungry, AH was home. I walked to Kitchen grabbed a cold piece of pizza, went to sit down...
he immediately came to me, slapped the pizza out of my hand and accused me of never going to Yoga...said he was there and didnt see me.
That is when I left for my sis house.
Not to make the week worse, it's been 3 years ago this week that my 18 year old son died of a stroke, so I believe that is why I'm fogging around.
so angry he doesnt realize what is going on here, never mentioned anything about my Chris and where we were 3 years ago.
thinking of Saturday when he is at work, to change locks on doors, pack him a suitcase and leave it outside.
I told him last night not to be surprised at anything that may come up. Not to think I didnt warn him.
Came home later in night, went to bed and saw an empty 1/2 pint vodka on floor.
Crazy that we feel more love from here than our loved one. How sad is that.?
Also realizing now that my house on the Lake is 'just a bldg'
I'll let you know what happens.
Missy xo
I again spendt some hours at my sis house last night... I went to Yoga and when I came home I was hungry, AH was home. I walked to Kitchen grabbed a cold piece of pizza, went to sit down...
he immediately came to me, slapped the pizza out of my hand and accused me of never going to Yoga...said he was there and didnt see me.
That is when I left for my sis house.
Not to make the week worse, it's been 3 years ago this week that my 18 year old son died of a stroke, so I believe that is why I'm fogging around.
so angry he doesnt realize what is going on here, never mentioned anything about my Chris and where we were 3 years ago.
thinking of Saturday when he is at work, to change locks on doors, pack him a suitcase and leave it outside.
I told him last night not to be surprised at anything that may come up. Not to think I didnt warn him.
Came home later in night, went to bed and saw an empty 1/2 pint vodka on floor.
Crazy that we feel more love from here than our loved one. How sad is that.?
Also realizing now that my house on the Lake is 'just a bldg'
I'll let you know what happens.
Missy xo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by Missy 
he immediately came to me, slapped the pizza out of my hand and accused me of never going to Yoga...said he was there and didnt see me.
You could look into filing a police report without pressing charges. That way it would be on record should you ever decide to go with a restraining order.
As Desert Eyes mentioned, please check out the Abuse stickies at the top of the boards here. Loads of good information. There are also contact numbers listed for domestic violence hotlines. It would be a good idea to get input from people trained in this area to learn how to stay safe. I strongly recommend this!
It took me a long time to get away from my ex. In some of those instances, he could have killed me (like when he choked me until I was unconscious comes to mind). Later, as his blackouts progressed, he would talk (to himself no less because I wasn't even in the room) about how he was going to kill me, my parents, etc. I still get chills thinking about it.
Oh, and my ex also followed me. He thought I was having an affair with my boss. Part of my job was to run some errands here or there, and if my car wasn't parked in the same spot in the afternoon as it was in the morning, I got an earful! He would even show up at my job, under the guise of bringing me lunch with "I love you" notes tucked inside. He wanted to make sure my boss knew about him!
Sorry, I've gotten off track. Learn how to protect yourself, and please, don't give him any advance warning of what you might be planning to do. One of the most dangerous times for a woman is when she is leaving or has already left a relationship! It messes with 'their control issues'!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
yep... he talks to himself and hollars at me when I'm not even there. He showed at my work a couple of times just to agrivate me.
He said he will kill all the men I'm sleeping with and their wives will have no one... on and on and on.
There has been more times than this. It just seems they are more frequent now since he relapsed since being away for 28 days in another state for treatment.
I was told if he relapses, it will be from when he left off an worse.. I guess that is correct.
So hear this if any of you are thinking of going through an intervention. Save your $$$. If the alcholic isnt ready, an intervention wont work. They finally told us that only 10% go to full recovery.
missy xo
He said he will kill all the men I'm sleeping with and their wives will have no one... on and on and on.
There has been more times than this. It just seems they are more frequent now since he relapsed since being away for 28 days in another state for treatment.
I was told if he relapses, it will be from when he left off an worse.. I guess that is correct.
So hear this if any of you are thinking of going through an intervention. Save your $$$. If the alcholic isnt ready, an intervention wont work. They finally told us that only 10% go to full recovery.
missy xo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Oh, Missy , I know how bad you are feeling ! I do!
I don't want to divorce my AH either, but really what is he bringing to the table ?
Alcohol and abuse are progressive.
I worry for your safety.
Much love to you .(((Hugs)))
I don't want to divorce my AH either, but really what is he bringing to the table ?
Alcohol and abuse are progressive.
I worry for your safety.
Much love to you .(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by lilac
I don't want to divorce my AH either, but really what is he bringing to the table ?
I had to ask myself why. Why did I keep sacrificing myself, emotionally, financially, and physically, in the hope that things would somehow magically get better? The answer that kept coming up was FAILURE. For me, divorce=failure. There must be something inherently wrong with me if I could not make this marriage work. If I just tried a little harder, waited a little longer, I knew I could avoid failure.
It took a really long time to come to terms with this. I had to learn to tell myself that I had tried everything I could possibly try. It was his turn. What was he willing to try? I had to give myself permission to let go. And tell those committee members in my head to shut up. I am not a failure. I am a survivor.
L
PS--I almost forgot to mention, I just filed my divorce yesterday.
Last edited by LaTeeDa; 02-22-2007 at 10:00 AM. Reason: to add the PS
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Blacksburg, VA
Posts: 191
when your actions match your words, you will have serenity and change.
until then, if you keep saying one thing, then giving in to him, well....the same crap will continue.
what kind of violence will it take till you change?
until then, if you keep saying one thing, then giving in to him, well....the same crap will continue.
what kind of violence will it take till you change?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
Just when you thing you've heard it all....
My sister in law called to ask me not to think of her being selfish but if I am deciding to take any action, can I at least wait until March 2nd or 3rd because she is taking my AH's parents who are 86, to florida and she doesnt want them to know of the stuff that is going on.
Ever hear this? (girls only): when Aunt Flow decides to visit, you are accused of having sex with another man or that wouldn't have happened when it did??
ICU: I think it was you who said write down events from the last few days...
I wrote down stuff from one week ago and started an anxiety attack on myself... crap!
missy xo
My sister in law called to ask me not to think of her being selfish but if I am deciding to take any action, can I at least wait until March 2nd or 3rd because she is taking my AH's parents who are 86, to florida and she doesnt want them to know of the stuff that is going on.
Ever hear this? (girls only): when Aunt Flow decides to visit, you are accused of having sex with another man or that wouldn't have happened when it did??
ICU: I think it was you who said write down events from the last few days...
I wrote down stuff from one week ago and started an anxiety attack on myself... crap!
missy xo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
Missy if you're having anxiety attacks just from seeing it all in black and white then I think you already know what you need to do to protect yourself. We can all say it til we're blue in the face but only YOU can fix this problem you're having. I know you love him, but he isn't showing you any love or respect and that isn't the way you deserve to live your life. Living in fear of "the next time" is no way to live. The man you fell in love with no longer exists. His addiction stole him from you and from himself. Do you want to lose yourself as well? Because if you aren't strong enough to make that choice for yourself he will make it for you and I'm afraid it won't have a happy ending!!
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Originally Posted by Missy
Just when you thing you've heard it all....
My sister in law called to ask me not to think of her being selfish but if I am deciding to take any action, can I at least wait until March 2nd or 3rd because she is taking my AH's parents who are 86, to florida and she doesnt want them to know of the stuff that is going on.
Ever hear this? (girls only): when Aunt Flow decides to visit, you are accused of having sex with another man or that wouldn't have happened when it did??
My sister in law called to ask me not to think of her being selfish but if I am deciding to take any action, can I at least wait until March 2nd or 3rd because she is taking my AH's parents who are 86, to florida and she doesnt want them to know of the stuff that is going on.
Ever hear this? (girls only): when Aunt Flow decides to visit, you are accused of having sex with another man or that wouldn't have happened when it did??
I don't understand the part about Aunt Flo ... unless it just means you were accused of something else that you didn't do. Been there...... many times.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Missy, there is a saying that says "We teach people how to treat us". He has tested the waters and is seeing that you are allowing and accepting this behavior. You are teaching him that he can treat you this way. And he will continue - only it will get worse.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Santa Rosa, CA
Posts: 34
Can I ask why you didn't call 911 when he hit you? It is clearly domestic violence that will in all likelyhood escalate until YOU stop making it acceptable by not calling the police.
There are laws that protect you from this kind of abuse. No excuse is worth getting hit by anybody (you hitting him, either).
In Calif. if you call 911 and then renege on the domestic violence charge, the DA will file a charge against him anyway. Maybe he needed the wakeup call and you didn't pick up the phone.
Please be careful and do what you need to do to protect yourself (and kids, if any)
Karen
There are laws that protect you from this kind of abuse. No excuse is worth getting hit by anybody (you hitting him, either).
In Calif. if you call 911 and then renege on the domestic violence charge, the DA will file a charge against him anyway. Maybe he needed the wakeup call and you didn't pick up the phone.
Please be careful and do what you need to do to protect yourself (and kids, if any)
Karen
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
Today I'm gonna read the stickey suggested to me. Thanks DessertEyes!
I'm starting to feel sucked in again. I need "TODAY" to bet my serenity back and turn this over to God.
I have this urge to give this guy a call that AH was assigned to when he returned from Hazelden Treatment Center. They were in contact for about a month, the AH started drinking again and didn't continue his aftercare with this guy.
I guess for my own sanity and permission to move on, I want to call him.
I know what you guys are gonna tell me... yikes! but I guess I need to see it in black and white "again"
missy xo
I'm starting to feel sucked in again. I need "TODAY" to bet my serenity back and turn this over to God.
I have this urge to give this guy a call that AH was assigned to when he returned from Hazelden Treatment Center. They were in contact for about a month, the AH started drinking again and didn't continue his aftercare with this guy.
I guess for my own sanity and permission to move on, I want to call him.
I know what you guys are gonna tell me... yikes! but I guess I need to see it in black and white "again"
missy xo
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